MSE Parent Club

Becles

I'm not coping well at the moment and wondered how the other working mothers manage.

My daily routine is:

get up and feed everyone and get them dressed. If it's a school day, the boys need packed lunches and I check their school bags to make sure they've got PE kit/library books/homework/footy kit etc! They go off to school.

If I'm working either Mam collects Charlotte or I drop her off at Mam's depending on where I'm going! I then either collect her on my way back, or Mam feeds her and drops her off on her way to work (Mam works afternoons).

If I'm not working, I do a mix of housework and playing with Charlotte, and then feed her at lunctime.

Charlotte goes to bed for a long nap after her lunch, so I have some lunch and get on with uni study. I do two short study sessions and walk the dog in the middle. I find that more effective than one long session.

Charlotte gets up between 3.30pm-4pm and the boys are back then. I have a mix of play and supervising homework, listening to reading books, discussing stuff they've done at school and other issues - both boys love the word "why?" :rolleyes:

Charlotte has her tea around 5pm, and then I start cooking ours. We eat that and I get cleared away. Charlotte has a story, then a bath, milk feed and into bed by 7.30pm-8pm. The boys have their bath after Charlotte then read until their bedtimes.

From about 8pm till my bedtime, I'm doing a mix of entering up reports and stuff if I have been working, sorting out stuff that came in the post/email and sorting out stuff for tomorrow to make the morning easier.

And basically I'm knackered!

The house is generally tidy (well as tidy as you can keep it with three children and a dog!), and I can keep on top of regular hoovering, dusting, cleaning the bathroom etc. I never get time to do the "less often" jobs like cleaning the windows, or raking clutter out of cupboards, or washing down the paintwork etc. It's hard finding time to fit in general household repairs and stuff. The toilet has been making a foghorn noise for weeks and it'll not take long to replace the valves, but I've never had time to do it. As the weather gets better, soon I'll have more jobs like cutting the grass and weeding the garden and I don't know how I'm going to fit them in.

Husband doesn't do any housework apart from occasionally cooking an evening meal and washing up afterwards. He never does anything with the baby unless I'm not in and he has to change her nappy or feed her. I didn't mind when I was on maternity leave and home all day, but it's hard now I'm back at work as I can't fit everything in and I'm tired all the time.

Sorry for ranting on, but some other stuff is going wrong at the moment and I'm struggling with everything. I would love just some time to do nothing so I could watch a film or read a book or something, but I never have time. I'm very jealous of my husband as he gets loads of time to lay around watching TV and playing on the net etc, but he says he's entitled to that because he's got a full time job and I haven't.

daphne_descends

Becles, could your husband to the boys' lunches and school bags the night before?

I think you need to ask him to do some housework Or a bit more cooking, or Charlotte's bath - when exactly is your free time?

You have got a full time job - it's called 3 children - it makes me a bit angry actually that some men think their job has a finish time - it doesn't - it's called being a parent, you're on-call 24/7 and that's that. My partner went through a phase of being a bit fed up to be handed Elliot the second he got in from work - he said he felt like he had no break - going to work IS a flipping break! Imagine being able to eat your lunch in peace, or read the paper, or just enjoy a bit of peace.

I don't understand why one person can have time to watch TV but the other cannot.

Sarahsaver

Ahem! You have a full time job you are a Mum!

I notice in your daily routine you do not mention your OH, where does he fit in to all this? Maybe he doesnt realise how you feel? Going back to work after a baby is hard I have done it 3 times and felt guilty each time. I had to do it because ex OH spent our money on the wrong sort of thing...but he is gone now, thankfully;)

Make sure you do not ask him to 'help' you because the implication in that phrase would be that it is 'your' job.

maybe cook more basic food or stop washing his clothes, tell him he needs to cook one night a week. surely he has at least one day off a week.
If there is something he is particular about then stop doing it, or if ther eis something he does make sure you tell him 'thanks for doing X you are better at it than me'
Do what you need to for yourself and the kids. He is an adult he needs to look after himself!
if your budget can stretch maybe get someone in to do odd jobs. that would relieve the pressure on you and dent his male ego a bit. when I told my ex OH i was looking for a cleaner to come round he got the house spotless himself
Are your boys old enough to do a little more for themselves? My kids are 6, 8 (just) and 10, they all bath themselves, get school clothes ready, and I do not remind them to pick up theior lunch as we leave the house.
My OH leaves the house at 7.15 and comes back at 5.30 and we all have tea together as I used to do the kids earlier but I didnt see why i should do two lots. i just give him things to do i dont ask, and 'will you' rather than 'can you' makes a difference. he has taken the boys to the library so I have a bit of a rest. The house IS IMHO a tip right now but thats cos I am 3 months PG and still feeling sick. He does do quite a bit, I have a job which is 18 hrs a week plus lots of appointments for DS who has behavioural/developmental difficulties.

i would recommend a bnook called 'time management for manic mums' I did an audit of my time use and there was a lot of 'wasted time' in the day. You could make some time for yourself I am sure. Think positively and hang on in there!

Sarahsaver

BTW men and women often have differing 'standards' when it comes to housework as I have discovered - i think the house is a tip whereas oh thinks it is 'ok' LOL

cha97michelle

becles i think honestly, a few of us don't have spotless houses. I did all the downstairs windows a couple of weeks ago when it was half term and i was off work - though i did have DS at nursery all week while i did it.

I have found going back to work extremely hard - especially getting everything done while being pregnant again. Part time hours of a minimum of 28 hours a week at work plus all the extras i do, has been a killer, and i am reducing by another 8 hours a week when i go back again.

My DH has recently become excellent at doing stuff round the house without me asking as he knows i am knackered. I physically do what i can when i can, and if it isn't done, then it is tough.

I hate living as we are now, but the kids will not be small forever. And it is so much more important to have some time out so you don't get ill.


i can also recommend the book sarahsaver recommended. I bought it last time i saw her recommend it and i found it some use in making me prioritise. I think i will re-read it when first off on maternity leave, and see what happens.

izzywizzy cats and babies - what can i say. Charlie is always far too friendly with one of ours, and he has never suffered from it. If your baby was going to be ill from the poop he would be already. And they will come across far worse than that i am sure. Charlie used to pull himself up using the toilet seat, which i tried to stop as he would then put his mouth around the seat. Grim - but it never affected him. :rolleyes: It is our sense of what is horrid that they need to learn isn't it.

sarah congratulations on your pregnancy.

Michelle, x

izzywizzy66

thanks for all your replies im a natural worrywort i too am just back to work 3 kids and its hard to fit it all in also hard to prioritize the fact that the hoovering isnt the most important thing trying to balance the work and life thing isnt easy hence the cat poo incident anyway have a good weekend im clearing up the middle ones sick she was due to go to 3 parties so tears as well but this bug is on its way round and i dont want to add to it projectile vomiting beans from the high bed at 2am aint no fun xxxx

Dormouse

Becles :grouphug:

I'm not sure what to suggest (TBH my first thought was "Oh no" :eek: - my mat leave finishes next month and I'm dreading all those late nights inputting the reports!)

I agree with Sarah and Fac, I think you should discuss this with your DH and get him to do things too. How about more cooking - did you mention he used to be a chef (or am I imagining that)? And he's got to realise that you do do a full-time job being a mum, as well as your other job, and uni study.

You know him best so you'll know whatever approach you need to make him realise this. With my DH, I sometimes need to say it straight, and sometimes indirectly (if the pile of ironing hasn't been touched for weeks and he's run out of things to wear, he knows he should do some )

TBH I think being self-employed and working from home doesn't help. People think it's great and the best of both worlds and all that, but it's really hard work as you have to fit in the paperwork in betwen the housework and looking after the kids etc. I hate it sometimes and do wish I had a 9-5 job - as Fac said, I'd at least get a chance to have my lunch in peace. :rolleyes:

But all in all, you are doing such a great job - honestly, 3 kids, SE work, uni, moneysaving . And remember, nobody else is perfect, we all struggle sometimes. Just give your DH a kick up the backside and get him to do more stuff. :cool: (easier said than done, I know)

Good luck hun

JoJoArmani

Becles - Get him told!

He wouldn't last 2 mins with me - but I'm a cow! PMSL!

My oh works 30 hrs a week (so not exactly full time) but it is manual work. He cooks all the the teas every night (friday off for a take away) and washes up most evenings. He feeds and changes the babies nappies regularly, takes our elder to bed and makes me a brew - sometimes even washes the bottles.

Had him trained well... to being with I worked and he didn't so we are still in the same routine of him making the tea etc. He fully understands how tiring it is looking after the babies as he has them on a Monday when I go into work.

Tell your OH you need a bit of time out and it's not fair to expect you to do everything. Leave him with the kids on his own for a bit so he has no choice but to pull his finger out.

I know this is all easy for me to say as my oh is very easy going and will do anything for me (within reason). But unless he knows how bad you are feeling he will not change - he might not change at all but you really need to get him to sit up and listen.

Write him a letter - tell him what you told us - if he is the lovely man you chose all those years ago - he will listen....

Lots of love being sent >>>>>>

Becles

I never get much free time. I pop on here now and again during the day, but that's about it. I think of it more as a "tea break" as I don't have any colleagues or do the school run anymore (boys big enough to walk alone), so if I didn't chat on here I'd have no adult conversation during the day.

I've tried asking him to do more stuff but he's always too busy or too tired. There's loads of things I keep asking him to do, like the fix the toilet, or pick the fence up. It blew over in December and it's damaging the plants/grass underneath it. It's too heavy for me to lift up, as I've still got a bit of SPD niggling on.

Sometimes it's obvious things need doing. We have wood floors downstairs and the dog hair tends to collect in balls in the corners, so you can see when it needs hoovering. I've got those collapsable crates for clean laundry which stand on the bench in the utility room till I get round to sorting them out. He'll rummage through looking for socks or something but he never thinks to spend time emptying the box. Sometimes I just don't understand why he does things - like he's just made his lunch and left crumbs and food packaging scattered over the bench, which I had to clean up before I made something for the boys and me.

He works as a postman so he gets Sundays off, then a rolling day off during the week (Monday one week, Tuesday the next week and so on). He was a chef and he does cook on Sundays and his day off but that's all. He likes a long lie in on his day off and Sundays, which I'm jealous of too as I never get a lie in as I'm up at 7am-ish every morning when baby starts yelling for her breakfast!

I can't afford a cleaner. Money is another huge issue. He moved into my home and wanted me to keep doing all the finances as he's useless with money which is fair enough. He gives me some of his income each week. My income is made up of wages, child benefit/tax credits and child maintenance from ex husband. Basically he's got a big proportion of his income to play with. He pays for Sky and runs his car and mobile, but has plenty left over to spend on himself. He's a heavy smoker and drinker which is where a lot of it goes. As I'm responsible for finances, I pay the mortgage, utility bills, insurances, groceries, home repairs, childrens costs like clothes and afterschool clubs, etc. I also have a car and mobile. By the time I pay for all of that, there's never anything left for spending on me. I get jealous that he can afford to spend a lot more on himself than I can and it doesn't seem fair. I hope I don't sound selfish, but I'd just like a few new clothes and stuff as I'm bored with wearing the same tatty stuff week in, week out, but I can never afford to buy anything decent.

I've been tearful a lot this week. Some other stuff going on like my older dog died recently and that is still hurting me a lot, the baby is teething and has been a bit grotty, my Gran keeps going walkabout (she has dementia) which is worrying. Just lost all confidence in myself, and somedays it's just hard to get out the front door to walk the dog, never mind anything else. I'm have a routine appointment with the practice nurse on Wednesday, so I'm going to have a word with her to see if there is anything to give me a boost.

Dormouse

Becles wrote: »

Sometimes it's obvious things need doing.
.......

Sometimes I just don't understand why he does things - like he's just made his lunch and left crumbs and food packaging scattered over the bench, which I had to clean up before I made something for the boys and me.

Oh yeah, that sounds familiar. :rolleyes: I think all men are like that - selective blindness to go with the selective hearing. :rotfl:

What's obvious to us, is really not obvious to them. I have little things like that, and they do annoy me, but most of the time I try and ignore them. Well, either ignore it, or tell him time and time again until it gets through (and isn't it annoying how they say women nag - well that's because we have to! :rolleyes: )

Whenever the washing machine finishes its cycle, DH never switches it off, never. Let alone actually take the stuff out and peg it out outside or take it upstairs :rolleyes:. It's always me that has to do that - he'll walk past the washing machine a million times, but will never empty it. It's like it's invisible to him. :rolleyes:

I do love him really :rotfl: but can you see what I mean - men! :rolleyes: