Where do we stand

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Ok, me personally:

I would double check the baby is his. The minute the baby is born I would ring CSA to arrange payments, Then I'd be straight down a solicitors for access. I wouldnt trust such a young girl to behave like an adult.

My child has my surname, even though me and her dad had been together for 7 years, The one im pregnant with will have my surname - The reason is that I have an unusual surname and want to keep it going, BUT dads name is on the birth certificate.

Mrs._Doubtfire

I don't have doubts that the child is my sons. They were together every spare minute and when they were apart, they were texting continually. It is so sad because they were such a lovely well suited young couple. My only hope is that this is just a blip whilst she is pregnant and that they can survive this and for the sake of the baby, rebuild their relationship. It might survive or it might not but at the end of the day, all that matters is this little baby who needs BOTH sides of the family.

Padstow

Am I reading correctly that none of you has seen the girl in the past three months? Surely it would be easy enough to find out if she's still pregnant or not. Your son must know yay or nay from their circle of friends.
I'd be rather concerned that she wanted everything before 4 months were up, not too late for an abortion. I would also ask for a paternity test.
I hope all my concerns are wrong and she turns out to be a caring mum who shares the child with your son.

January20

clearingout wrote: »

doesn't this suggest she's 'deliberately got pregnant' (and I have my views on that as well!) rather than slept with half the class?

It's very difficult. I am far older with a lot of life experience behind me and my now ex husband has done some dreadful things since leaving me. The one that has done the most harm to our relationship is him to question the paternity of our third child (conceived the same week he walked out on me - sex without contraception so he knows exactly what happened!). He had no right whatsoever to cast doubt on my integrity when he'd been having an affair for years! I hate that people who were formerly good friends of ours now think I'm a sl*t and that there is nothing at all that I can do to disprove that. Somehow, he made himself into a 'hero' when I'd been a loyal and faithful wife who had kept a decent home and supported him in his business. I lost an awful lot. It's not fair that people can play with your life in that way. If someone had done that to me at 17 well, it wouldn't have been easy to live with.

It is for these reasons that I say take care when demanding a DNA test. A young girl who is already showing clear signs of being able to 'use' a child as a weapon doesn't need any more ammunition, does she? Unless there is real doubt as to paternity, it is an area I'd leave well alone.

I really, really feel for you clearing out. I have had a slightly similar experience, not as bad as yours though, and it's absolutely awful to see people, who you thought you meant something to, take sides and reject you and doubt you integrity. All I can say is cherish the remaining friends you have, that you will make other friends and then this pain will fade. Make sure you have a great life without him, it's the best way to get some sort of ethical revenge (IYSWIM)

Mind you, I so hate to be wronged that I would have been the one ordering the DNA test, got copies of the result and sent it to all his friends and family. But I'm not always the most sensible of people...

Mupette

advise as soon as the edd start putting x amount of money to one side, every week without fail, if the baby is his then when questioned about money its already there.... if not his use the money for a well earned holiday

RAS

Yes I think there may well be a need for a DNA test, so that the young man has evidence to obtain parental rights, not to disprove the fact that the child is his. If madam refuses to allow contact, then he needs to go down that route and it may be the only way to get the DNA test is to refuse the CSA.

clearingout

RAS wrote: »

Yes I think there may well be a need for a DNA test, so that the young man has evidence to obtain parental rights, not to disprove the fact that the child is his. If madam refuses to allow contact, then he needs to go down that route and it may be the only way to get the DNA test is to refuse the CSA.

I agree with that. It's very unfortunate. The only other way is to approach the courts directly but even then he'd have to stand in front of a judge and say he believed the child not to be his and it is this which worries me. It forever stigmatizes the mother as someone who sleeps around and can be used against her in that respect, particularly as the child gets older and realises the (possible) implications of asking for a test. There is no 'nice' way of calling someone a sl*t, is there?!

OP - my own experience is by the time our third child was born, I'd have done anything at all to have his dad want to be at the birth and acknowledge him as his own. I was lucky in that as I was still married, he didn't have to be there to be put on the birth certificate - this is very much a sticking point in the situation you are describing. Hopefully mum will prefer going to the Registry Office with dad alongside, rather than on her own and having to register as 'father unknown'. In the meantime, give her the space she's asked for but make it clear you are on the end of the phone or she's welcome to call round at any time. If there is no real contact after the child is born, your son can look at taking the legal route into having the child's rights recognised in relation to his/her relationship with their father. There really is nothing else to be done.