Where do we stand

Gigervamp

abacus73 wrote: »

I cant imagine anything worse than having my dad at the birth of my baby. Seems rather an odd choice.

Same here. As much as I loved my dad, I wouldn't have wanted him to see me naked.

I was 19 and single when I had my 1st baby and my dad was pacing around outside the delivery room. Mum was in there with me. If my mum hadn't been able to be there, I'd have had my best friend with me instead.

clearingout

why the assumption the young man concerned might not be the father? we have a young girl who's been daft - and she knows it, even if at some level she's pleased with what has happened. She's probably terrified, she'll have her dad telling her that life will never be the same, her friends will be doing the same, the one person she thought she could trust suggested she should have an abortion which will have upset her (even if it was a sensible suggestion which she will also know, deep down). She wants 'the best' for her baby - what mother doesn't? - even if she's being unrealistic about costs and how much maintenance she can expect to receive. There's pressure from the boyfriend and his family about how often he should see the baby, when, how, if....and all she wants is to make a nice nursery and to have the money to do that with and no one seems to be listening. So she's switched off. Decided to look after herself and her baby because she knows, deep down, that the chances of the relationship lasting are pretty slim so if she's going to be on her own, she might as well get used to the idea.

And then you ask for a DNA test? Wrong response!

peachyprice

Wow, sorry, but that a whole heap more assumptions you've just made there. Unless you know her of course?

January20

clearingout wrote: »

why the assumption the young man concerned might not be the father?

Why not? her behaviour has been rather appalling even for a young girl who is hormonal. As soon as she couldn't get any money, she started playing games. Why not then suppose that she could have got pregnant to somebody else, who perhaps had no money, no interest, whatever. She wouldn't be the first one!

clearingout wrote: »

we have a young girl who's been daft - and she knows it, even if at some level she's pleased with what has happened. She's probably terrified, she'll have her dad telling her that life will never be the same, her friends will be doing the same, the one person she thought she could trust suggested she should have an abortion which will have upset her (even if it was a sensible suggestion which she will also know, deep down).

She could just be a silly little girl who wanted to bleed as much money as possible from the OP and now realises that she cannot get all the cash she wants, so now she is terrified! Because she must now realise that the OP is not going to be the cash machine she expected her to be!

clearingout wrote: »

She wants 'the best' for her baby - what mother doesn't? - even if she's being unrealistic about costs and how much maintenance she can expect to receive.

Really? Are these the actions of somebody who wants the best for their baby? By using him/ her as a bargaining tool? By demanding £100 a week. Surely she knows the OP's son doesn't earn that much in a week, so she is expecting the OP to cough up. I bet she is not the scared little girl that a lot of people on this thread think she is! She sounds very spoilt and very calculating!

clearingout wrote: »

There's pressure from the boyfriend and his family about how often he should see the baby, when, how, if....and all she wants is to make a nice nursery and to have the money to do that with and no one seems to be listening. So she's switched off. Decided to look after herself and her baby because she knows, deep down, that the chances of the relationship lasting are pretty slim so if she's going to be on her own, she might as well get used to the idea.

And then you ask for a DNA test? Wrong response!

The chances of the relationship lasting are pretty slim because of her actions. And even if the relationship didn't last - because they are so young anyway it has little chance with or without baby - with an attitude like hers they have little chance of even remaining friends.

I agree with the people who doubt the pregnancy (why want everything before she is 4 months?), I would recommend a DNA test as well (better be sure before signing up to 18 years of maintenance), and to not put the son's name on the birth certificate until it is proven that he is indeed the father, and then to go to the CSA regarding maintenance because I think the little Madam needs to realise that if there is no money, you can't have it and I don't think she will accept the word of anybody on the matter apart from an organisation like the CSA.

It's weird that she wants her father at the birth. I think very disturbingly weird to be honest!

Plans_all_plans

Not giving the child his surname on the birth certificate isn't a big deal AT ALL.

I didn't give my daughter her dad's surname because we weren't married and I didn't want to have a different surname to my child.

I took the view that if he was that bothered about it, he could marry me (we have since married) and we have reregistered our daughter's birth with his surname.

If there is a future between them then she is likely to reregister the birth with his surname. Don't make a big deal out of this aspect of it.

Your son needs to make it totally clear to her that he wants to be a part of this child's life whatever happens.

Best of luck.

oldtractor

A similar thing happened to my son. the child has his name and they have a good relationship. We love our grandchild very much. my son pays maintenance and has visitation rights. Your son will need to pay maintenance, it is a % of income, I think 15% but you need to check, with a £5 per week minimum if he is on JSA. Citizens Advise is a good starting point as is families need fathers as already mentioned in a previous post.
If there is any doubt about paternity then get a DNA test done. At our local nursery a young unmarried mothers children were found to be fathered by her own dad, and her boyfrind had been paying maintenance for some 3 years.There was a prosecution of course and the mother and children moved away from the area. Another case I know of is where a brother got his sister pregnant,that child is now 40 ish. All sorts of things happen.

make_me_wise

Mrs._Doubtfire wrote: »

She mailed me and asked if we would give her some money to buy some more items for the baby but I didn't respond to her. I would give her what she wanted but thought my son could have the money to go out with her and buy the items together rather than give it to her for her and her dad to buy the things. She was not happy about this and has now turned around to my son and said that she cannot handle any stress of seeing him at the moment and has broken off their relationship. She barely talks to him and said she will see him once the baby has been born. She also mentioned that she expects to get £100 a week for the baby but my son is still in college and only has a part time job earning £50 per week.

She has said that she is deciding what the baby will be called and it will be having her surname, so my son is being cut out of this. He is not going to be at the birth of his child but she is taking her dad in with her instead (mum died a few years ago), which has broken his heart alongside them not being a couple at the moment.

Clearingout these are not the actions of a young woman who wants 'the best' for her baby. She is behaving like a child having a tantrum about sharing a doll. A baby needs both its parents. Cutting the OPs son out of the pregnancy and birth and stating that she alone will decide what the baby will be called is going to be very detrimental to how he bonds with his child.

Okay so initially he wanted the pregnancy terminated and this no doubt upset her. They then sorted things out and decided to be parents together. It does seem that as soon as her boyfriends parents stopped jumping to the beat of her drum she has started using this unborn child as a weapon.

I also have my doubts as to whether the OPs son is this babys father. I think it would be extremely naive just to take her word for it.

As for her father being at the birth I find that quite disturbing to be honest. I realise her mother died but she surely has other female relations or friends who could support her. Its just my view but I think the only male who should be at a birth is the babys father.

clearingout

make_me_wise wrote: »

Clearingout these are not the actions of a young woman who wants 'the best' for her baby. She is behaving like a child having a tantrum about sharing a doll. A baby needs both its parents. Cutting the OPs son out of the pregnancy and birth and stating that she alone will decide what the baby will be called is going to be very detrimental to how he bonds with his child.

As for her father being at the birth I find that quite disturbing to be honest. I realise her mother died but she surely has other female relations or friends who could support her. Its just my view but I think the only male who should be at a birth is the babys father.

What is this young girl doing that isn't seen every day across the country in people of all ages when relationships break down? People under stress say and do things they shouldn't. People under stress take paths that with the benefit of hindsight they probably shouldn't have taken. You have the added issue here of age, naiviety, and hormones.

We see threads on here and on the child support forum daily from people who should know better demanding money from an ex, denying access to children, using children as weapons etc. etc. etc. It doesn't make it right, I agree. But is is all 'normal'. Most people wake up pretty quickly and work things out in their children's best interests. Hell, I received a 4 page work of fiction from my ex's solicitor yesterday and he's an educated, 40 year old man who frankly knows better and we've been separated over 2 1/2 years - some people, sadly, will never get their priorities right. But being young and female doesn't automatically make this girl a gold digging sl*t who has been sleeping with half of her college class.

I maintain that demanding a DNA test is the wrong thing to do. Posters here have suggested it is necessary but the OP hasn't, I don't think, suggested there are doubts over the child's paternity. Ultimately, the Law is on the side of the child - tests can be ordered if necessary, names can be ordered on/off birth certificates, PR granted and the court system will order access with both parents. Dad may need to be patient to get it all sorted (and in the process miss out on some of the child's first year, I do realise) but it will get sorted and that's what's important. He now needs to stand well back, make his position reasonable and very clear and not be seen to upset a pregnant woman. The rest can be dealt with when the child is born.

I agree, odd that she wants dad at the birth but if mum has been gone a long time, she is an only child and their relationship is a strong one, why not?

make_me_wise

clearingout wrote: »

But being young and female doesn't automatically make this girl a gold digging sl*t who has been sleeping with half of her college class.

I maintain that demanding a DNA test is the wrong thing to do. Posters here have suggested it is necessary but the OP hasn't, I don't think, suggested there are doubts over the child's paternity.

In one of the OPs posts doubts were raised, look back at post 9. I dont like to label young adults as gold digging slutty types. This girls actions are pretty full on and the whole situation just leaves me feeling unseasy about the truth of the situation. Its easy to say dont ask for a dna test, when its not you that is looking at paying maintenance for the next 18 years, and being at the mercy of a girl who sounds controlling and manipulative to say the least.

Of course whatever happens next is up to the OPs son. I dont think the OP would have come onto an open forum and asked for opinions on this if she didn't have some doubts though.

clearingout

Mrs._Doubtfire wrote: »

I am not getting argumentative over this, we have stood back and let things proceed at her pace for the sake of their (and in future our) relationship with the girl. Just wanting to find out what my son is entitled to do and not do. Just seems unfair that although he did not want to keep the baby in the beginning but it was her decision to keep it, she is now making all the decisions and not including my son but he is supposed to pay for it without any of the nice benefits of being a parent. It is breaking my heart to see how upset he is over this. She won't speak with us or answer any of our emails when we ask how she is.

Friends have said that they think she has done this deliberately to get a baby and to get us as a family to pay for it. I would have said no, that they were blissfully happy and it was just one of those things but how she has changed when we wouldn't give her money is making us wonder if this is true.

doesn't this suggest she's 'deliberately got pregnant' (and I have my views on that as well!) rather than slept with half the class?

It's very difficult. I am far older with a lot of life experience behind me and my now ex husband has done some dreadful things since leaving me. The one that has done the most harm to our relationship is him to question the paternity of our third child (conceived the same week he walked out on me - sex without contraception so he knows exactly what happened!). He had no right whatsoever to cast doubt on my integrity when he'd been having an affair for years! I hate that people who were formerly good friends of ours now think I'm a sl*t and that there is nothing at all that I can do to disprove that. Somehow, he made himself into a 'hero' when I'd been a loyal and faithful wife who had kept a decent home and supported him in his business. I lost an awful lot. It's not fair that people can play with your life in that way. If someone had done that to me at 17 well, it wouldn't have been easy to live with.

It is for these reasons that I say take care when demanding a DNA test. A young girl who is already showing clear signs of being able to 'use' a child as a weapon doesn't need any more ammunition, does she? Unless there is real doubt as to paternity, it is an area I'd leave well alone.