Where do we stand

euronorris

Mrs._Doubtfire wrote: »

Friends have said that they think she has done this deliberately to get a baby and to get us as a family to pay for it. I would have said no, that they were blissfully happy and it was just one of those things but how she has changed when we wouldn't give her money is making us wonder if this is true.

Puddy - Is this what you are referring to? If so, it is friend's who have said that, and the recent behaviour of the girl which has led to the OP wondering if they're right.

I don't think that is the case with the girl, but I can see how easy it would be to come to that conclusion. There isn't enough communication going on at present and both sides need to try and put themselves in the other's shoes a bit, I think.

puddy

yes, i can understand the OP's concern about her son's feelings but it was the presentation that the girl had got herself pregnant on purpose to get money out of the family!

he contributed to the birth and now he does have to contribute to the child, it read to me as if OP was trying to get out of that, so if i have misinterpreted that, im sorry but i cannot stand this inference that somehow these situations get cooked up by the women alone while some gormless blameless bloke stumbles out of the situation.

it may be true, but the fact is there will be a baby here to support regardless of the new parent's relationships with each other

Mrs._Doubtfire

No blame is to be had by either of them - it took both of them to make this baby and both of them need to stand by it and give it the best chance in life with the most love. On the dads side, there is a young man who wants to make a go of being the best dad that he can possibly be. There are 2 loving grandparents who want to be there for the child, to love and help support it, it will have loving uncles and plenty of extended family who are more than happy to play a large part in its life. Unfortunately the mother is the one blocking this.

I didn't say that I thought she had planned this to get a baby. I said that friends had said they thought she had done this deliberately.

gonzo127

puddy wrote: »

yes, i can understand the OP's concern about her son's feelings but it was the presentation that the girl had got herself pregnant on purpose to get money out of the family!

he contributed to the birth and now he does have to contribute to the child, it read to me as if OP was trying to get out of that, so if i have misinterpreted that, im sorry but i cannot stand this inference that somehow these situations get cooked up by the women alone while some gormless blameless bloke stumbles out of the situation.

it may be true, but the fact is there will be a baby here to support regardless of the new parent's relationships with each other

totally see what you are getting at however my reading of this thread was that although the OP's son didnt want it to get this far he has 'manned up' and is trying to accept responsibility however is being blocked by the girl and so the OP is trying to find out what rights and responsibilitys their son has so that they can be part of this childs life.

so far i think the main worry is that at the first instances of them not having given in to the girls demands (not giving her a handful of cash) she has resorted to using this (unborn) child as a weapon against the son

Mrs._Doubtfire

puddy wrote: »

he contributed to the birth and now he does have to contribute to the child, it read to me as if OP was trying to get out of that, so if i have misinterpreted that, im sorry but i cannot stand this inference that somehow these situations get cooked up by the women alone while some gormless blameless bloke stumbles out of the situation.

Can you tell me which post exactly that points to the fact that my son is trying to get out of this?

Yes, he didn't want to continue with the pregnancy in the beginning (before they told us) but once they had talked things through, decided that they were keeping it. I was also in the same mind that they were far too young to have a baby and asked if they had considered a termination. The outcome was both their decision and ultimately the mothers choice as it is her body but it doesn't make it just her baby.

RAS

Mrs._Doubtfire wrote: »

The girlfriend wanted everything buying before she was 4 months pregnant and although we didn't think this was right, agreed that we would purchase the pram and car seat.

Mrs._Doubtfire wrote: »

She also wanted to go on a spending spree to buy baby essentials which we did too. She has kept all of these at her house.?

So you are a money bucket? Before 4 months, there is no guarantee the pregancny will survive even.

Mrs._Doubtfire wrote: »

We have been buying bits and pieces for when the baby arrives but these are all stored at our house for the time being.

Fine to me.

Mrs._Doubtfire wrote: »

Since she was around 4 months pregnant, she went distant towards my son which we thought was strange as they had been very close but thought she might be being hormonal.

Mrs._Doubtfire wrote: »

She mailed me and asked if we would give her some money to buy some more items for the baby but I didn't respond to her. I would give her what she wanted but thought my son could have the money to go out with her and buy the items together rather than give it to her for her and her dad to buy the things. ?

I can see you point but if she does not want to be around him, she may see that as manipulative.

Mrs._Doubtfire wrote: »

She was not happy about this and has now turned around to my son and said that she cannot handle any stress of seeing him at the moment and has broken off their relationship. She barely talks to him and said she will see him once the baby has been born.

Not a lot you can do about this. And pursuing her is probably the wrong idea.

Mrs._Doubtfire wrote: »

She also mentioned that she expects to get £100 a week for the baby but my son is still in college and only has a part time job earning £50 per week.

She really is a princess, is she not? A payment of this level assumes that your son's take home pay is £34,000 per year.

He will be expected to pay 15% of his net income in child support until the baby leaves school.

Mrs._Doubtfire wrote: »

She has said that she is deciding what the baby will be called and it will be having her surname, so my son is being cut out of this. He is not going to be at the birth of his child but she is taking her dad in with her instead (mum died a few years ago), which has broken his heart alongside them not being a couple at the moment.

Not a lot you can do about this; she is entitled to choose her birth partner.

Mrs._Doubtfire wrote: »

If she is not allowing him anything to do with the baby at this stage, does he have to have his name on the birth certificate. It just seems very unfair that he is being cut out of everything and then expected to pay for it. She has told him that he can go and visit the child when she says but that could change like everything else seems to be doing.

OK, well you can do something about this. He can apply for parental responsibility. If she refuses, then he can ask for a DNA test. You will need to learn a lot and maybe he needs to speak to families need fathers? He can go to court without a solicitor and win.

If he does not get PR, then he might be entitled to use that to refuse CSA until she has a DNA test.

With a positive DNA test, he can get PR and contact but will have to pay his CSA.

Mrs._Doubtfire wrote: »

Before anyone says anything about him should be paying, he wants to be part of this childs life, is accepting his responsibilities and wants to be a good dad. Where do we stand?

She is running rings round you all at the moment, based on some sort of fantasy.

If she is breast feeding then generally, contact should be little and often, say an hour at a time.

if she bottle feeds, then two or three hours would be acceptable.

Once the child is weaned, your son should aim for one day a week and one other contact session a week, perhaps after school?

gonzo127

i think we need to be careful not to let this thread get derailed by a 'he said she said' arguement.

ok so the basics i think is try and get an appointment with someone like the CAB just so you know exactly what your Son's minimum rights and responsibilities are as set out in current law - i personally wouldnt be stating this to the girl just yet as this could get her defensive from the start, but it would be good to know.

write her a letter (recorded delivery - emails can be unexpectly end up in junk box etc as excuses as to why she has not responded and signed for recorded delivery letter gives you proof that she/her dad has received it) asking her to meet you and your son (with her dad aswell) so that you can talk over the situation and try and come to an agreement on what is going to be best for the baby, and for both the girl and your son. Suggest a public place so that no one has got the 'home field' advantage and so that any arguements are kept more civilised (having strangers around does tend to make people more reasonable)

the main thing to me at the moment appears to be to get the lines of communication back up so that things can be sorted in the proper way

Elle7

Thinking outside the box, he has lost his wife, and his eldest child is a single parent. He probably saw her go through a lot of hurt, and is trying to protect his second child from going through that - that's not to say that your son won't step up too the mark as a father, but that realistically, most 17-year-old couples don't make it, and she will be hurt if they break up.

I think he'd be shooting himself in the foot to not register himself on the birth certificate. As others have said, the CSA will require a small amount of his pay each month, but not nearly as much as she is expecting. Don't push her on him being present at the birth - is she allowing him to be at the hospital? While married couples are frequently birth partners, the same can't be said for young couples, especially those who have broken up. For the babies safety, it is best that she is calm, and if her Dad is who she wants, that's who she will have. Don't make missing out on this a big thing for him - he'll get to see his newborn asap, and he'll be there for the rest of the highlights.

Just keep trying to show that you care, and that you'll be there for the baby. When her hormones stop going crazy, I'm sure she'll be happy to have a supportive partner, and your extended family.

Gigervamp

Just wondering....has the girls dad bought anything for the baby, or has it been expected that you and your son pay for all the baby items?

freda

Since she was around 4 months pregnant, she went distant towards my son which we thought was strange as they had been very close but thought she might be being hormonal.

Have you seen her since 4 months pregnant? Why did she want everything bought before 4 months? I do hope I'm wrong, but you are sure she's really pregnant, are you?