Where do we stand

Mrs._Doubtfire

My son is having problems with his girlfriend and I could do with a bit of advice if any of you have been through similar.

He got his girlfriend pregnant (baby due in September). At the beginning, he suggested that they have an abortion as they were still at school and were not ready for a baby. She wanted to keep the baby, so they both embraced the fact that they were going to be parents. When they told us, we were shocked, upset - all the usual emotions you would expect when finding out your child is going to be a parent at such a young age but we accepted it after a couple of days and tried to be as supportive as we could be. The girlfriend wanted everything buying before she was 4 months pregnant and although we didn't think this was right, agreed that we would purchase the pram and car seat. She also wanted to go on a spending spree to buy baby essentials which we did too. She has kept all of these at her house.

We have been buying bits and pieces for when the baby arrives but these are all stored at our house for the time being. Since she was around 4 months pregnant, she went distant towards my son which we thought was strange as they had been very close but thought she might be being hormonal. I know that she is being heavily influenced by her family. She mailed me and asked if we would give her some money to buy some more items for the baby but I didn't respond to her. I would give her what she wanted but thought my son could have the money to go out with her and buy the items together rather than give it to her for her and her dad to buy the things. She was not happy about this and has now turned around to my son and said that she cannot handle any stress of seeing him at the moment and has broken off their relationship. She barely talks to him and said she will see him once the baby has been born. She also mentioned that she expects to get £100 a week for the baby but my son is still in college and only has a part time job earning £50 per week.

She has said that she is deciding what the baby will be called and it will be having her surname, so my son is being cut out of this. He is not going to be at the birth of his child but she is taking her dad in with her instead (mum died a few years ago), which has broken his heart alongside them not being a couple at the moment.

If she is not allowing him anything to do with the baby at this stage, does he have to have his name on the birth certificate. It just seems very unfair that he is being cut out of everything and then expected to pay for it. She has told him that he can go and visit the child when she says but that could change like everything else seems to be doing.

Before anyone says anything about him should be paying, he wants to be part of this childs life, is accepting his responsibilities and wants to be a good dad. Where do we stand?

Any

Where do you stand?

I think she is just being hormonal and has no idea how real life works. I suppose she is having quite a hard time from it all, especially if she was brought up a bit of a princess (as it seems). Things might change, so you need to tread carefully to not jeopardise possibility of them getting back together when she calms down.

She is only entitled child support that he either has to pay by rules (check out CSA) or what he wants to give her if it is more, what they agree on.

He also has every right to see the child, either they agree on something or he can take her to court for regular given visits.

I suggest you look at CSA and present her with facts and tell her that either she starts being reasonable, or you will do it by the book only, because to be honest the maintenance measured by CSA is not much (10% or 20% of earnings or something??).

Elle7

I don't think it matters if his name on the birth certificate with regards to maintenance. If he doesn't go to put on the birth certificate, when she starts a claim with the CSA I believe he can dispute it and try to 'prove' via DNA that the child isn't his. I think if he refuses this, they will continue with her claim, and if has a DNA test and is the father, he'll have to cover the cost of the test. If he isn't the father, the CSA will pay for the test.

So I don't think with-holding from the birth certificate so that he doesn't have to pay is the way to go, and you would need to look into what rights he would be giving up by not being named on the certificate.

Edited to add: At the end of the day, they are young, and she is probably battling with hormones and the knowledge that her life will never be the same again. Yes, she'll have a lovely baby, but she'll be giving up on things she hasn't even experienced yet - she'll never be as carefree as other girls her age, even if she's got the best babysitters in the World.

You'd be better off trying to get her on side and repair relations between them, rather then trying to fight her, as she holds all the cards at this minute in time - court access can take some time, and your son will be missing out on his babies life while you wait. Also, if she breastfeeds exclusively, you might not get much access at all.

mirrorimage0

if i was him i would go straight tot he citizens advice people to see where he stands, they will have all the information he needs or where he can get it from.

as far as i know he will have parental responsability as he is the dad but im sure someone will be along with more info.

he should pay your right but he should contribute what he can afford on his income which will obviously get bigger as he completes his courses and gets full time work. even if she goes through the csa she would get no where near the amount she is asking for, more like £5 a week on what he gets.

it is a very emotional time being pregnant , hormones and all as you would know but it is unfair of her to treat him this way if everything was fine between them, maybe they should look into having a meeting with an impartial 3rd party to get things out in the open and talk over where they go from here.


i hope everyhting turns out ok.

BugglyB

I really feel for you. Do you have any contact or relationship with her parents?

She is lucky that your son is so responsible and wants to have something to do the child.

I'm afraid it may come down to the fact that the best thing you can do for your son is to support him emotionally.

emsywoo123

mirrorimage0 wrote: »

as far as i know he will have parental responsability as he is the dad but im sure someone will be along with more info.

If they are not married at the time of the baby's birth and/or he is not named on the birth certificate, then no, he will not have PR.

gonzo127

above information is good, try and speak to her and come to a amicable arrangement as getting argumentative will not help anyone, but then again same as bending over backwards to accomodate her demands would be the wrong thing to do as well

also CSA would (going on £50 a week earnings) be £5 a week maintenance

Gillyx

As much as she's hormonal etc, I'm pregnant and wouldn't be demanding my OH's parents buy us prams, car seats etc at the moment. This is the problem with young parents (not all may I add) they don't have the maturity to understand the priorities with parenting. Preparing a caring, loving environment for a child, organising what your routine will be once the baby is here = necessary, owning a pram and car seat before 4 months = not necessary.

As others have suggested I would try and organise a meeting between both, to try and discuss what time they will both have with the child. The way it comes across is she's reacted in such a way because you wouldn't give her more money? That needs to be nipped in the bud and you were right to try and include your son in the buying or baby things.

Mrs._Doubtfire

I am not getting argumentative over this, we have stood back and let things proceed at her pace for the sake of their (and in future our) relationship with the girl. Just wanting to find out what my son is entitled to do and not do. Just seems unfair that although he did not want to keep the baby in the beginning but it was her decision to keep it, she is now making all the decisions and not including my son but he is supposed to pay for it without any of the nice benefits of being a parent. It is breaking my heart to see how upset he is over this. She won't speak with us or answer any of our emails when we ask how she is.

Friends have said that they think she has done this deliberately to get a baby and to get us as a family to pay for it. I would have said no, that they were blissfully happy and it was just one of those things but how she has changed when we wouldn't give her money is making us wonder if this is true.

puddy

it wasnt her sole decision to have a baby though was it, presumably your son didnt use a condom to ensure that he would not create a child?

j.e.j.

how old are they both, if you don't mind me asking? (I know you said they were school-age when she got pregnant.)