Nice people thread part 4 - sugar and spice and all things

michaels

Elona did you get your kitchen sorted? - we are living 'with the builders' and I know how disruptive it is

GDB2222

PasturesNew wrote: »

Old isn't choosing/deciding anything at all though .... and temporary choices aren't an option any more. They take weeks of discovering/exploring/viewing/considering .... and then the old doesn't like them. So there has to come a point when you realise they won't ever want any of the choices/options available to them, so you have to leave them be until they actually engage in the process. Old thinks that they can just keep moving the goalposts, just to keep me here .... well, no .... they just ran out of options.

There's you to protect, PN, but I have sympathy with your mum, too. She's been recently bereaved, very recently. You can't expect any human being to function normally in these circumstances, least of all an elderly somewhat senile person. I don't think it's realistic to keep asking her to make choices so soon after the bereavement. That doesn't mean that you should have to look after her, but you shouldn't be surprised or upset that she's not firing on all four cylinders.

So, what you see as a sort of conspiracy to keep you there, may just be mum totally unable to make any decisions. I think that you should stop blaming her for that, but at the same time you do have to make your own position very clear.

I'm not surprised, also, that mum wants to be back within her own four walls. That's the one security she has, now that dad's gone. She needs time to grieve and come to terms with the death. How long were they married? She probably can hardly remember life pre-Dad.

It's not a bad idea that you are moving out, but you should stop blaming mum, and you need to find some way of keeping an eye on her without getting sucked into the position of carer.

PasturesNew

The old's just declared .... they can't be alone ... at night.... scared. So I had to be harsh and say "it's out of the question to get somebody in just in case you wake up and want a natter, so forget it".

Out ... of the .... question. Thousands manage - you'll have to learn to. Goodnight.

Old scuttled off, gripping the corner of their flimsy nightdress.....

silvercar

PasturesNew wrote: »

The old's just declared .... they can't be alone ... at night.... scared. So I had to be harsh and say "it's out of the question to get somebody in just in case you wake up and want a natter, so forget it".

Out ... of the .... question. Thousands manage - you'll have to learn to. Goodnight.

Old scuttled off, gripping the corner of their flimsy nightdress.....

Sounds like old doesn't want to be on their own, so is hoping you will change your mind and stay. You are caught, if you stay now, they will always believe that a bit of pressure will change your mind. Go and they really will be on their own and may not cope.

misskool

hrms...writing work emails at 11pm.

I think it must be time to have a holiday.

LydiaJ

Just say, "Of course you don't have to be on your own. If that's the way you feel about it, of course you can go back to <old people's home they've recently come back from>. But I can't stay here indefinitely, so if you want to stay in this house, then you'll be on your own here. It's entirely up to you. When you're ready to make a decision about it, let us know."

Thinking about it, I suspect what is upsetting Old is that she can't understand why you want to move away. It's not as though you only arrived to help after the departed Old got ill. You were already living there for some time before that. So she is probably thinking something along the lines of...

"It's not fair. Pastures was perfectly happy living here when Departed was still here. The three of us were all so happy here. It's our family home and it's where we all belong. I don't understand why she suddenly wants to move away now that Departed isn't here any more. Why can't the two of us just carry on being family together at home? It's so unfair that I've lost him and now she wants to go too. Why doesn't she love me enough to want to be together? It's not as though she's got a husband and children of her own, or a job miles away or anything. She's just moving out to be selfish, and I'm so upset."

She will have edited her memories of life together just before the Departed Old got ill, and will remember those times as much happier than they really were. She will have no recollection of your frustration and unhappiness and desire to move out, even if she noticed them at the time, which she probably didn't. She is not ready to accept that she's not fit to look after herself, or that living with just her would impose a much much bigger burden of care on you than living with the pair of them did. She has never wanted to live alone, and doesn't value solitude, so she won't have any concept of why you need that.

You will need to let go of your (understandable) desire for her to understand and approve of your need to live your own life rather than giving up every waking moment to keep an eye on here. It's not going to happen. You have control over your own choices and your own actions, and you need to keep control of those things and continue standing strong against the manipulation (whether deliberate or sub-conscious). You are not in control of her feelings, actions or attitudes, but then you're not responsible for her feelings etc either.

Enjoy your new place.

Davesnave

PasturesNew wrote: »

But my old starts off incompetent and unable ... the gone old did everything. The old can't even be relied on to not drop their plate/dinner ... already done it 2x that I've been around to discover (clean up and sort out).

So unable.... at everything.

The old won't accept 'aids' of any sort either, so I have to let them struggle on, knowing it'll cause accidents.

It's true Dad was bereaved when still competent in looking after himself, but he didn't stay that way. There would be tell tale signs, like a burn mark on a work surface, a chip pan lying behind a bush in the garden, or a black eye. Then the falls got worse, the confusion & incontinence increased.....we won't go there!!!

It was impossible for me to prevent accidents happening, just as it will be impossible for you. You do your best and you hope that being at the other end of a quick dial phone will be enough....but there's no certainty.

As you say, elderly parents aren't kids and can't be treated in the same way, so there will be an element of risk. If the professionals have assessed Mum as 'competent' then that's what she is, until experience shows otherwise.

Maybe a gradual withdrawal of your 'services' would be best, so long as it is a planned phasing-out, not procrastinating. (I'm afraid I don't know how far away your new place is. I was 10 difficult miles from Dad, which was a real pain.)

GDB2222

misskool wrote: »

hrms...writing work emails at 11pm.

I think it must be time to have a holiday.

Finished a work telephone call 90 mins ago, so you are not alone.

GDB2222

silvercar wrote: »

Go and they really will be on their own and may not cope.

Ay, there's the rub.

vivatifosi

Morning all. Pastures, did you have any luck with the advocacy service?