Mad with ex husband

hermoine_2

Oh dear what a mixed bunch we are.

For all of you who think i am a rubbish parent I have 4 children who think I am actually quite a good mum!

She had an awful time with her Dad she called me everyday in tears actually sobbing, but I did not really want advice about this, I just wanted you to know that he was not feeding her correctly and that he only had her for four days! I also am cross with him hence the title of the thread, he has all these health issues and still insists on feeding his only daughter in this way.

DD3 came home and put the dress on herself, i did not force her into doing so and would have advised against it if she had asked me. I would have suggested that she wait a couple of weeks. She was worried she would not fit into the dress. Getting another is not an option, her sister is the bride and the dresses have been bought and there are no more the same. They were store purchases and not really able to be altered much, if at all.

I suppose I hoped for some sympathy and maybe a magic wand to help with my daughters distress but I confused this forum with friends. I did not expect criticism of myself or my ex - I can criticise him all by myself I do not need you guys to do it.

I am grateful for the supportive replies and have taken some of the suggestions on board. We have very little in the way of snacks but I will give smaller portions out - it will do us all good and leftovers will be a novelty. My husband has joined the gym with DD3 and it will be lovely for them to do something together so maybe some good will come out of it.

I would suggest that no one posts anything on here when they are at a low ebb as the replies could tip them over to suicide, some of you are just plain nasty and some want a joke at the OP expense and some of you are just so nice that it makes you cry anyway.

H

Sambucus_Nigra

hermoine wrote: »

I would suggest that no one posts anything on here when they are at a low ebb as the replies could tip them over to suicide, some of you are just plain nasty and some want a joke at the OP expense and some of you are just so nice that it makes you cry anyway.

If you'd have said 'my DD was at her dads and had a spiffing time eating junk food and put x pounds on in y days so I've decided I don't give a hoot about her weight and I'm going to change my family's menu to match' - they would have got on the exact same bandwagon but opposite.

rachelhen

Hermoine you sound like a very level headed parent to me congratulations on not rising to the silly bait that bored people put on here. hope all goes well for your daughters and the wedding. x

kathy206

hermoine wrote: »

Oh dear what a mixed bunch we are.

For all of you who think i am a rubbish parent I have 4 children who think I am actually quite a good mum!

She had an awful time with her Dad she called me everyday in tears actually sobbing, but I did not really want advice about this, I just wanted you to know that he was not feeding her correctly and that he only had her for four days! I also am cross with him hence the title of the thread, he has all these health issues and still insists on feeding his only daughter in this way.

DD3 came home and put the dress on herself, i did not force her into doing so and would have advised against it if she had asked me. I would have suggested that she wait a couple of weeks. She was worried she would not fit into the dress. Getting another is not an option, her sister is the bride and the dresses have been bought and there are no more the same. They were store purchases and not really able to be altered much, if at all.

I suppose I hoped for some sympathy and maybe a magic wand to help with my daughters distress but I confused this forum with friends. I did not expect criticism of myself or my ex - I can criticise him all by myself I do not need you guys to do it.

I am grateful for the supportive replies and have taken some of the suggestions on board. We have very little in the way of snacks but I will give smaller portions out - it will do us all good and leftovers will be a novelty. My husband has joined the gym with DD3 and it will be lovely for them to do something together so maybe some good will come out of it.

I would suggest that no one posts anything on here when they are at a low ebb as the replies could tip them over to suicide, some of you are just plain nasty and some want a joke at the OP expense and some of you are just so nice that it makes you cry anyway.

H

Well Op this is an open forum. You have received some blunt, and constructive criticism here, so playing the "woe is me card" when you don't get the answers you want is a bit much. No one has called you a bad mum. YOU put the emphasis on DD's weight and how much junk she ate at her dad's.
Having gone through my whole life being told I "would look lovely if I just lost the weight" and when shopping for my wedding dress advised by my mum to order it in 2 sizes to small so I could "slim into it" and being made to feel inadequate (not on purpose you'll understand) because I am still very overweight, I KNOW the potential issues your DD may have in the future if too much emphasis is put on weight and the way she looks.
If she has a healthy diet and plenty of exercise, if the dress fitted her properly in the first place, ie pre visit to dad's she will soon be in it again.
I'm bowing out now. Good luck to all of you:)


eta if your husband wants to have quality time with DD3, why join a gym? why not take her rollerskating, out for bike rides, walking in the country with an eye spy nature book..... There are far more fun activities to do as a family than sweating it out in a room full of Arnie wannabes

3v3

hermoine wrote: »

...
I would suggest that no one posts anything on here when they are at a low ebb as the replies could tip them over to suicide, some of you are just plain nasty and some want a joke at the OP expense and some of you are just so nice that it makes you cry anyway.

While I do get your point (and why you felt compelled to write it), *I* would suggest that anyone who is at such a low ebb whereby the opinions of others could "tip them over to suicide" avoid posting on the internet full stop!

If they are at such a low ebb, surely the opinions of loved ones and dear friends would have the greatest value; or, as a last resort, the Samaritans (a long established and well respected charity) would be a more suitable route (if no critisism could be tolerated)?

Regarding your ex and dd's visits: he has as much right to "parent" in his way as you have - even if you do not like how he does it (unless, of course, she would be put in immediate danger). It does sound like he has eating related health issues, but those are for him to address; as your ex, it is no longer any concern of yours.

I do feel fairly confident in saying that your dd's 4 day stint at her father's house, although far from ideal in terms of eating healthily, will not have a long term, detrimental effect on her health *if* she is eating healthily the rest of the time.

Having returned back to her usual food regime at your house, she will certainly have returned to her pre-visit weight in the next week or so. So your concerns should be rectified, naturally

As for any "magic wand" for your dd's "distress" - you know her far better than a shed-load of faceless, unknown, internet posters: you are adult enough to know also that there are never any *magic answers* simply because, we are all unique, all have our own way of doing things. Even though you have taken offense at some of the comments applied in this thread, the fact is, the posters firmly believe their principles; you disagree because they do not suit your way of doing things, because you have your own way

I'm in total support of kathy206 regarding the gym (membership fees? Yuk, so not MSE ) vs ordinary childhood activities, which are also bonding moments and memory makers.

Try not to completely dismiss comments you did not like; sometimes, because we are so wrapped up in our own issues, we can't see the wood for the trees. While I do agree some are very blunt (my own included) it doesn't mean they are not without worth - to an open mind

Craftyscholar

hermoine wrote: »

However she went to see her Dad last Thursday for 4 days. I collected her on Tuesday and could not believe how much weight she has put on. she will not fit into her bridesmaid dress which she needs to wear in 5 weeks!!

Now I have told her that in order to lose the weight to get into her dress she will have to cut down on food intake a little and def no sweets or junk and a bike ride after tea each night would not go amiss but I am worried that she:

a) will not fit into the dress
b) will think that I am bullying her
c) will go off on some sort of rebellion eating binge

H

hermoine wrote: »

She had an awful time with her Dad she called me everyday in tears actually sobbing,
DD3 came home and put the dress on herself, i did not force her into doing so and would have advised against it if she had asked me. I would have suggested that she wait a couple of weeks. She was worried she would not fit into the dress. Getting another is not an option, her sister is the bride and the dresses have been bought and there are no more the same. They were store purchases and not really able to be altered much, if at all.

H

I think if you had originally posted the second account rather than the first you might not have had some of the negative responses.

pigpen

If she was so distressed just being there.. I would look at the reasons you left him in the first place.. and ask her if she actually wants to go again. She is plenty old enough to make that decision.. I'd have gone and got her if she was on the phone crying.. Poor girl.. she must be so mixed up.

How did she get on at the gym? They have junior memberships here too which are actually quite good for youngsters..

hermoine_2

Someone did call me an unfit parent but seems to have removed the post so maybe they changed their mind! A couple of folk called me a bully and one nagging, none of it founded.

However, DD3 did enjoy the gym and as many suggested her weight has gone back to where it was! So panic over nothing. I really was concerned but it has been good in a way. I have looked at our food and we are eating better and feeling better - even in a short time.

I asked her today if she wanted another trip to see Dad and she said not this year - i have not pushed it although he may. I have not asked her for details of what went wrong but she has talked to her sister.

Thanks again for the constructive advice.

H

Fire_Fox

I have twenty years experience working in healthcare, presently physical activity and am also qualified to do nutrition consultations. You should not see any fitness professional who does not have specific qualifications in instructing children, these must be recognised by REPS (the register of exercise professionals) or they are worthless. They also need personal liability insurance covering your daughters age group and would ideally be a member of REPS, they will not be insured for anything they are not qualified to do. Few PTs have these qualifications as they are expensive for the number of potential clients, there are far more group exercise instructors who do so you should easily be able to find an exercise class to suit. If you are not sure about any certification PM me or, if the PT is a member of REPS, you can confirm their qualifications online. Council run gyms are usually safest, they tend to pay for their staff to do a wide range of courses so they can work with everyone - older adults, the disabled and youngsters. Gyms attached to colleges or universities or YMCA are very good at checking certifications and insurances.

A girl of 14 should not be on any weight management programme that is not being supervised by your family doctor or another medical professional. There is no such thing as puppy fat, she is either overweight or she is not. By all means work on your daughter meeting the official recommendations of one to two hours of physical activity per day, five to nine portions of fruit and veg a day, three portions of dairy a day, three portions of oily fish a week, not more than 10% of calories as high sugar/ high fat junk.

Fire_Fox

3v3 wrote: »

While I do get your point (and why you felt compelled to write it), *I* would suggest that anyone who is at such a low ebb whereby the opinions of others could "tip them over to suicide" avoid posting on the internet full stop!

If they are at such a low ebb, surely the opinions of loved ones and dear friends would have the greatest value; or, as a last resort, the Samaritans (a long established and well respected charity) would be a more suitable route (if no critisism could be tolerated)?

Try not to completely dismiss comments you did not like; sometimes, because we are so wrapped up in our own issues, we can't see the wood for the trees. While I do agree some are very blunt (my own included) it doesn't mean they are not without worth - to an open mind

Try not to completely dismiss everyone with moderate to severe depression from the entire internet, hardly open minded!

You clearly know very little about clinical depression, the links with a wide range of chronic health conditions, lack of mobility from aging or disability, the links with social exclusion, the links with serious financial difficulties. Quite often online 'friends' and support networks are all someone with chronic depression has. Quite often they find it extremely difficult to communicate face-to-face or on the telephone.