Mad with ex husband

hermoine_2

My 14 year old daughter has just returned from a visit with her Dad. She is my DD3 and her dad lives abroad. We have been divorced for 8 years and apart for 10. She is a chubby child and not very tall, has yet to hit puberty and struggles with her weight. We do what we can to
keep her active and hope that when she hits puberty that her weight will sort itself out - this is what happened with her sisters and her brother.

However she went to see her Dad last Thursday for 4 days. I collected her on Tuesday and could not believe how much weight she has put on. she will not fit into her bridesmaid dress which she needs to wear in 5 weeks!! I asked her what she had been eating and a sample of one day was:

Breakfast - Sausages
Lunch - Chinese from a restaurant
Tea - Big mac and chips meal deal go large

Snacks - chocolate, toast and sweets.

Now I have told her that in order to lose the weight to get into her dress she will have to cut down on food intake a little and def no sweets or junk and a bike ride after tea each night would not go amiss but I am worried that she:

a) will not fit into the dress
b) will think that I am bullying her
c) will go off on some sort of rebellion eating binge

Anyone got any ideas how to handle this, anyone had a similar problem.

BTW her dad is morbidly obese and has sleep apnea, type 2 diabetes, gout, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and asthma. You would think he would know better. His new wife and his son are normal size.

H

pigpen

She probably doesn't need to cut down food intake but change the food she is eating... And she is quite capable of saying to her dad I don't want to eat that so it isn't entirely his fault she has eaten such rubbish.

Sit her down and plan what she will eat.. that way she has some control over what she is eating.. could she be involved in making herself some snacks... salads, smoothies, even jellies with fruit and juice would be nice.

She may be due her period.. I always gain about 10lb when mine is due... she can't have gained THAT much in fat in just 4 days though.

balletshoes

can the dress be let out to fit her?

i was a bridesmaid for my cousin when i was 18, overweight and with not much confidence. my cousin is tall and thin, always has been. her mum and dad went on a diet before the wedding, and every time we all met to discuss the wedding plans, dresses etc they talked about their diet and tried to get me to join them. there was talk from my aunt that the dresses cost a lot of money and she didn't want to have to have lots of fittings if i put on any weight. Made me feel great, as you can imagine (not). She wasn't being malicious, I guess it was just something she wanted to control as much as possible, wedding stress etc getting to her. I didn't enjoy my part in the wedding (and I hadn't put on any weight).

by all means encourage your daughter to exercise (say it'll make her look toned in her dress) before the wedding and eat the way you usually do in your home. But if you can have the dress altered so it fits her, you'll all be a lot happier.

Gigglepig

I do understand why you are mad, it doesn't sound like a great diet. However, the most important is what she has on most days. If your daughter already had a weight problem and mainly lives with you, then frankly I wouldn't be pointing fingers at he dad.

It isn't important in the grand scheme of things whether she fits into the dress, but it may be good to sort out any health problems. If she had a normal relationship to food, how could she possibly put on lots and lots of weight in just 4 days, even on junk food?

Also, if the event is in 5 weeks she might have outgrown the dress anyway, from a growth spurt? There should be plenty of time to have it re-fitted.

mynameisclare

I would focus on how important it is to have a healthy diet & lifestyle in general, for all the family, rather than get too obsessed over one particular dress.

hermoine_2

No periods, No puberty yet. She is doing what all my kids did which is to get quite chubby in the mid teens before puberty hit and they lost it when they grew once the hormones kick in. She is only 4 foot 10 inches which is quite short and so any extra weight (she is 8 and half stone, or was a week ago, now 8 stone 13) show quite quickly. We do eat a very healthy diet at home although we do eat quite a lot! My point is that she ate out at least twice a day in high fat, high salt, and low nutrient places for 4 days - not one piece of fruit or home cooked meal. She could not say that she would not eat it - you do not know my ex, not a nice man, a real bully. We left for a place of safety in 2000.

I honestly do not want anyone to rubbish her Dad I just wanted you to realise that she had been in a situation that I could not control and that I am anxious for a quick fix really - probably unrealistic.

I am not sure about the letting out of the dress but I will look into it. It is a size 10/12 but I am not sure if the seams with allow much letting.

Thank you for your comment mynameisclaire, you are very nice and not judgemental. Unlike Gigglepig who is making assumptions about the way I feed my child when I had already said that I expected the puppyfat to go with the onset of puberty.

H

Kira000

Is the dress a zip back? If so, maybe you could have it converted to a corset back (with modesty panel)? When it comes to wedding and bridesmaids dresses etc, that little trick has proven to be a total lifesaver on many occassions!

Molly41

For the future I cant recommend the MEND programme highly enough. Regarding the wedding the most important thing is that your DD feels like a princess for the day. I know with my DD prom we went all out with hair, nails etc. She looked gorgeous and she is on the generous side but I wanted her to feel wonderful. Focus on making it a really special occasion and take the emphasis off the dress. If need be it can be altered.

meer53

As long as your daughter has enjoyed her time with her Dad, thats all that matters really. If she's not with him for the majority of the time i wouldn't worry too much about what she eats when she's there. I understand you're worried about the dress but 5 weeks is a long time, she could easily lose up to 10lbs in that time. If she knows you're worrying about it, it might rub off on her and make her miserable.

savingmummy

I would be so angry with him!! Thats not an ideal diet at all albeit on holiday or short stay.
He should know better especially having all those health issues himself.

Thats a lot of weight to put on in such a short space of time it could be retained fluid or she maybe starting her periods.

Has she tried the dress on? Maybe that could be a starter point in mentioning she needs to lose a bit of weight so it fits correctly, maybe arrange for you both to do some kind of activity ie, swimming or walking together.

**Patty**

Am i the only person concerned that the image you are projecting for your daughter is that in order to meet with your approval she MUST fit in this dress in 5 weeks and to do so she MUST lose weight????

Do you not think that's a recipe for disaster with a 14 yr old?


IF she wants to fit in that dress.....she will. But she should do it for herself and not for you, me or anyone.