Mad with ex husband

**Patty**

shy-but-need-help wrote: »

Our local gyms (council ran) do have a youth membership from age 14 upwards as part of the scheme to try and get more children active, however I know they have alot of monitoring & restrictions (weight limits they're allowed to lift, no free weights, time limits on certain machines etc.)

Fair comment......as far as i'm aware in my area, they don't.....but i'm not that blinkered to think that in other areas of the country they do.:D

shy-but-need-help

**Patty** wrote: »

Fair comment......as far as i'm aware in my area, they don't.....but i'm not that blinkered to think that in other areas of the country they do.:D

Very true, I'm sure there are more than enough dodgy ones out there letting in under 16s without proper monitoring or restrictions- just fortunate enough to be in an area that has a youth scheme, shame it can't be rolled out more nationally as it does give kids something productive to do but I that would need more council gyms and I don't think anyone can see that happening with the budget cuts.

Molly41

Im sorry your experience of MEND was so poor. Mine was very well run and we all learnt a lot from it.

make_me_wise

hermoine wrote: »

she will not fit into her bridesmaid dress which she needs to wear in 5 weeks!! I asked her what she had been eating and a sample of one day was:

Breakfast - Sausages
Lunch - Chinese from a restaurant
Tea - Big mac and chips meal deal go large

Snacks - chocolate, toast and sweets.

Now I have told her that in order to lose the weight to get into her dress she will have to cut down on food intake a little and def no sweets or junk and a bike ride after tea each night would not go amiss but I am worried that she:

a) will not fit into the dress
b) will think that I am bullying her
c) will go off on some sort of rebellion eating binge

Anyone got any ideas how to handle this, anyone had a similar problem.

BTW her dad is morbidly obese and has sleep apnea, type 2 diabetes, gout, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and asthma. You would think he would know better. His new wife and his son are normal size.

H

Good god your poor child. This whole thread leaves me completely cold to be honest OP.

I think you have your priorities all wrong. It comes across really loud and clear that your main concern is whether this young girl will fit into a bridesmaids dress. Why else would you have mentioned exactly this point 3 times in your first post (as I have highlighted above)

You are projecting weight problems onto your child. Not once in your first post did you mention to us about talking through with your daughter how this kind of diet could affect her heallth. That would be what a caring, responsible parent would do.

I get the feeling no matter how many people raise this point it will fall on deaf ears. Considering you were anorexic and bulimic you must be aware of how easy it is to feel pressure about your appearance and take drastic, dangerous action.

If I were you I would stop mentioning the bloody bridesmaids dress and try listening to your daughter and find out how she really feels. Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe this kid is desperately unhappy and could be comfort eating? Living in a household where a dress is more important than a person it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if this is exactly what is happening.

duchy

hermoine wrote: »

I was anorexic as a teen and bulimic as a twenty something so I am not likely to project weight problems on to her.

H

Maybe you are-as you don't have normal memories of your own youth and weight? (Not meant in a nasty way-just a fact your experience was not a "normal" one. I think you're sounding a little too concerned about weight and I really hope your daughter booked the gym for HER and not just to please YOU.

mountainofdebt

hermoine wrote: »

On her own this evening my DD3 has contacted our local gym and booked herself a session with a trainer tomorrow at half three, no suggestion of that from me so she must want to do it and she says she is looking forward to it.

anything to get the nagging mum off her back perhaps?

hermoine wrote: »

I was anorexic as a teen and bulimic as a twenty something so I am not likely to project weight problems on to her.

Hate to say this but I think this is exactly what you are doing.

abacus73

**Patty** wrote: »

Am i the only person concerned that the image you are projecting for your daughter is that in order to meet with your approval she MUST fit in this dress in 5 weeks and to do so she MUST lose weight????

Do you not think that's a recipe for disaster with a 14 yr old?


IF she wants to fit in that dress.....she will. But she should do it for herself and not for you, me or anyone.

Well said and no you are not the only one to think this.

rachbc

Oh my goodness - since when has being size 10/12 over weight?? Your poor daughter - you have shown no concern for her well being - emotional or physical - only whether she will fit into the blinkin dress.

I can't imagine how suffering from eating disorders would mean you are less likely to project weight issues/ food issues on to your daughter - common sense suggest that you didn't/ don't have a normal relationship with food and your own body image and that this could very easily be transfered to you daughter.

marywooyeah

is it the summer holidays yet? (it is a long time since i was at school!). if so, could you see if there are any summer camps or activity days which are active events - eg dont send her to a fat camp which will make her feel fat, but something like a day of rounders or hockey or something so she is interacting with other kids her age, getting good exercise without it feeling like exercise and in turn will help her lose weight.

for what its worth i have been overweight my whole life, and my step mum hammered into me about being overweight and the need to lose weight, but all it did was mean that when i had the chance to eat rubbish i ate loads cos i never knew when I would get another chance to - if that makes sense? maybe this is what your daughter did when at her dads - although he should have been more accountable.
something I do know is "just have half" - if I want a chocolate bar, I buy freddos - half the size of a normal bar, anything i want I cut it in half and eat that, so the rest of my diet is good and I go to the gym, but the small treat lets me feel like I've had a treat without ruining my hard work. maybe your daughter could try this? how about going for family walks in the evening to burn off dinner, and that way she doesn't feel singled out.

Caroline_a

I coach athletes of all ages, including 14 year olds. In my experience gyms do not help children of this ages - they need either structured, coach-led exercise or, for children who aren't particularly sporty, as someone has suggested, family activities, such as walks (with or without dogs), cycling, swimming, etc.

20 years ago nobody would have suggested that a child went to a gym - does your daughter walk/cycle to school, does she walk to see her friends or is she taken everywhere? Every 20m walk is exercise, look at the overall picture, not at an instant fix - because it won't be. She will become bored with the gym, or she will do, as I have seen, virtually nothing using machines that aren't adjusted to be progressive unless you know what you are doing.