parents gifted money but now want it back

Geenie

The parents are 87 & 84 years old.

They have invested what I am assuming could be a good proportion of their life savings into helping their daughter and family have a decent home. In kind they want a bit of attention and thanks for doing this.

We often have to bite our tongue and put up, but I can't think of anything that would make me put money before my parents.

Oldernotwiser

Is it because of your wife's difficult relationship with her parents that she doesn' pop in to see them every day? Do you or the children do this?

I can't understand how you could have 2 such elderly parents living (literally) in your back garden and have so little contact with them. I have to say, I'm not surprise they're peed off with you.

alfiesmum

Sorry to be a thicko here, but how much money was gifted/loaned? I see someone is quoting 30K, but that's the amount you said in the first post you've spent improving the house. Just wondered. (Now I know I'll re-read, and find it in here somewhere!).

iwb100

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Is it because of your wife's difficult relationship with her parents that she doesn' pop in to see them every day? Do you or the children do this?

I can't understand how you could have 2 such elderly parents living (literally) in your back garden and have so little contact with them. I have to say, I'm not surprise they're peed off with you.

I'm not being funny but if they see them every weekend then that is a lot more than most elderly parents see their kids.

And I'm sure they see them during the week sometimes as well.

It is a bit selfish for them to expect someone with a busy life and a job that is necessary to support their family to just "drop in" every day.

poppysarah

iwb100 wrote: »

It is a bit selfish for them to expect someone with a busy life and a job that is necessary to support their family to just "drop in" every day.

Selfish it may seem - but if thats what it takes to resolve the issues then it might be worth the effort.

Maybe they want to have meal times together. Maybe the oldies would feel obliged to cook tea whilst the younguns are out working.

I think the OP said they work 12 hour shifts didn't they? Which makes for any sort of social life hard work BUT maybe the oldies need to see this.

Have them round every day - they will be SICK of it after a few days.

Hoof_Hearted

I don't think you can give something and then take it back.

Thinking like a lawyer, the fact that the money has been sunk into a house shows that it was not easily returnable and much more likely to be a gift than a loan.

Do not even think about offering to pay anything back at all, ever. This would clearly demonstrate that it was a loan not a gift.

Many elderly parents would jump at this situation, having family close by to keep an eye on them (even more so when one of them pops his/her clogs). They are being very selfish IMHO. They were not pressed into this -- it was their choice and they have to live with it.

margaretclare

Hoof_Hearted wrote: »

I don't think you can give something and then take it back.

Thinking like a lawyer, the fact that the money has been sunk into a house shows that it was not easily returnable and much more likely to be a gift than a loan.

Do not even think about offering to pay anything back at all, ever. This would clearly demonstrate that it was a loan not a gift.

Many elderly parents would jump at this situation, having family close by to keep an eye on them (even more so when one of them pops his/her clogs). They are being very selfish IMHO. They were not pressed into this -- it was their choice and they have to live with it.

I am afraid that, elderly or not, everyone who makes a major decision has to live with it. The parents say it was not a gift, it was an investment. Well, if it had been an investment, there would have been some paperwork to show it - a contract note, perhaps. They didn't want to be involved with any of the legal stuff at the beginning - easy for them to just opt-out of! and now say they've 'been to a solicitor'.

I think they may have had rosy visions of what life might be like, daughter and family a few steps away, being looked after as they got more frail, neighbourhood changes in the north of England maybe that they didn't like, other people moving in so they thought that moving away would solve their problem.

Money and 'happy families' just do not mix, I'm afraid.

duchy

firsttimetom wrote: »

I don't want to turn this in to a 'House prices' thread.

Well it would be a bit pointless as it has nothing to do with houseprices.

The issue is expectation.

The parents moved down expecting a nice cosy set up-cups of tea with their daughter and seeing the grandkids daily and their children expected to really see them a couple of times a week -certainly not every day.

There appears to be a history of a "difficult relationship" between the wife and her parents so really why expectations weren't discussed before going ahead with the sale is a bit of a mystery.

I don't think the grandparents are selfish -they appear to have lived with the situation for over a year -and they do come from a generation where women worked around the family not 12 hour shifts so even though they know the wife works -in their head they probably don't think she should/have forgotten how hard it is to juggle work and family.

I was a bit sad to see the OP not really acknowledge that their feelings might be hurt or say he'd try and find some compromise though-which makes me wonder if he's actually bothered about them and just in it for the money ....or if he's just so worried about the financial implications that he can't see anything else.

This issue started due to poor communication -and it's starting to look like it might end the same way-with no-one communicating except the lawyers

Lance

OP purchased a house with an annex because parents wanted to live there. I assume this was more expensive than his original smaller house so why sgould he get a big mortgage and have the hassle of renting out the annex to help with costs because the aged couple are sad they are not visited daily. The grandparents are willing to leave daughter and her family in financial straits and !!!!!! off because they are not prioritised. Age is no excuse for this selfish behaviour unless mental deteriation has set in. They won't like spending money with a lawyer. Let them make the first moves rather than throwing good money after bad.

margaretclare

I don't think the grandparents are selfish -they appear to have lived with the situation for over a year -and they do come from a generation where women worked around the family not 12 hour shifts so even though they know the wife works - in their head they probably don't think she should/have forgotten how hard it is to juggle work and family.

Oh come on. It's a myth that 'women used not to work outside the home'.

I agree with Lance. They are being completely selfish and totally unrealistic. At the most basic level, just HOW is the OP meant to release this money to pay them back? Houses with an annexe, I am reliably informed, are not that easy to sell - it's a specialist market, most people wouldn't want a house that big or be able to get that size of mortgage.

To me, they're being a bit like toddlers throwing their teddies out because it hasn't all quite worked out the way they wanted/imagined. And yes, some older people do behave exactly like toddlers.