parents gifted money but now want it back

navydiver_2

theartfullodger wrote: »

Which will be most painful to lose...


- The money ...
- Any contact and involvement with your parents...


Depending on your answer you'll know what you have to do..


Is there something else you ain't telling us??

Actually its not the money it is the house, the annexe is completely self contained and the have there own front and back door, the main reason that appears to be why they now want to move is because my wife does not go round to see them every day, and they have stated they are not happy with this, she has to work just as i do and they are obviously retired, what of course we did not realise when they gave us the money was that there were strings attached

DVardysShadow

girleight@ wrote: »

Could you offer to pay them back £5 a week or something?

Not really a useful approach. Such an act would tend to provide evidence of the gift being loan, which is best avoided.

navydiver_2

pararct wrote: »

Would you describe the scenario under oath as you have above? If the circumstances are as you have outlined them, then probably not.
Is there not some way you can negotiate with your parents? Try and work out why all of a sudden they want to move? Has there been some other rift, possibly a birthday or anniversary forgotten?

I most certainly would as would my wife and 2 daughters who also live with us, it really has come like a bolt out of the blue, it was my wifes fathers 87th birthday 2 weeks ago and we threw and paid for a huge party with lots of family and friends to celebrate it at home

navydiver_2

On a seperate not there is only one other family memebr a brother who lives in Thailand and only contacts them when he needs money, maybe thats the reason and they dont want to say.

duchy

navydiver wrote: »

Actually its not the money it is the house, the annexe is completely self contained and the have there own front and back door, the main reason that appears to be why they now want to move is because my wife does not go round to see them every day, and they have stated they are not happy with this, she has to work just as i do and they are obviously retired, what of course we did not realise when they gave us the money was that there were strings attached

Hmmm
OK so from their point of view they helped you move into a bigger property than you could have otherwise afforded and they feel you are not properly appreciative and don't even care enough to stick your head around the door once a day to say hello. Do you ever invite them in for meals ? Take them for days out ? Take an interest in what they'd like to do ? Involve them in your lives ? Are they free to just drop in or do they feel they need to make an "appointment" ? (I'm not saying they should-just trying to get you to see it from their perspective -especially as they are transplanted to a new area with no existing social circle of friends to occupy them) Sounds like they feel neglected.

I'm not unsympathetic -I lived with my Mum for a bit when she was in her seventies and there were times I wanted my own space and didn't want to hear her chat or stop for a cup of tea with her as I was busy with my work and my family ......... but it's just one of the things you do when you live with other people who are whether you like it or not emotionally dependent on you.

tyllwyd

Its a real nightmare situation - and must be very upsetting for your wife and the children.

I think they would really struggle to prove that the money wasn't a gift, and if the value of the hosue has dropped, there might not be that much to give them back anyway. But equally, I'm sure you don't want to leave your in-laws high and dry.

If you did give them back the money, would it be enough for them to buy a new home outright? Do they want to move away completely, back to where they lived originally? Would they be able to cope if they did that? If they did move out, would there be any way you could rent out their annexe, so that you could give them that money and they could rent elsewhere?

Fingers crossed this is their way of asking for more attention, and that you can all find a compromise and get through this.

poppysarah

If you are all still talking then you should go and see them and have a proper listen to what they're saying.

Ask what their plans are. Ask why they feel how they do. Ask what you can do to rectify the situation. Ask what solutions they think you are.

After you've done a lot of listening you can point out the finances of the situation mean they are stuck with you if you want.

Errata

1) You need to discuss this with a solicitor
2) You need to be assured that either, or both, parents have mental capacity to act in this matter

The reason I mention capacity is that their behaviour seems quite erratic and the reasons they give for it quite bizarre. 1 in 5 of those over the age of 85 have a degree of dementia and dementia affects people's ability to accurately judge a situation and understand the implications and consequences of their actions.

poppysarah

Errata wrote: »

dementia and dementia affects people's ability to accurately judge a situation and understand the implications and consequences of their actions.

Throwing dementia accusations at them would be like throwing petrol - but some quiet research into possible other erratic behaviour.

It might be just that they expected roses round the door and have found that they may as well live miles away with their own friends... Or they've got wonderlust and want to see the world in their twilight years.

jungle_jane

OP would it not be best to sit down and try and resolve with them? Perhaps discuss expectations so that you all know what each other's needs are?

My parents live with my sister in a similar set up and it's been 5 years of hell for them simply because there are no boundaries in place. its a bit different to your situation though - my parents live in the larger accommodation and my sister keeps dropping in on them all day long. my parents are both pretty miserable but feel quite trapped - they don't feel like they can simply up and sell because that would be placing my sister in an impossible situation.

It would all be so much simpler if they had it out with her - sat her down, told her what they are prepared to put up with and then listened to her and what her expectations are. from there they could negotiate and comprimise and in future if anyone oversteps (or understeps) the line then it can be dealt with.

Feel very sorry for you OP - i've seen first hand how difficult these arrangements can be.