Stormybay's Thread a bit of comfort in a hard world

Stormybay

Hi All,
Thanks Sary for posting and sending your thoughts, as always, they are comforting and amusing. I'm glad your son wasn't worried about 'seeing' his Dad in his dream, or awakended state. I do so wish I could see my Dad, John or my Mum in my dreams, but now even 3 and a half years later, I have never dreamt about John, I'm sure if I did, it would be lovely. I do occasionally hear my Mum's voice in my head, normally when I think I've done something she wouldn't approve of, I can hear her say my name quite sternly!!!
Rosie and I didn't go to the cematery today, Rosie asked if she could go tomorrow, we had only been last week as it was the 4th anniversary of my Dad's passing, and she had to play football, and she said her Dad would have approved, and she was right. We are going tomorrow, which John would also like, as he hated any type of conforming, so he would really approve of us going on the 'wrong' day.
I hope everyone has tried to enjoy their private thoughts today, I know I have, and you never know, I may dream of those loved and lost when I sleep tonight
Sweet dreams everyone, and I'll let you know if I hear from anyone tonight, fingers crossed, what I would give just to say goodbye, and, I love you, one more time to My Mum, Dad and John..............................

togo

Thank you people for posting thoughts on the loss of someone you loved. It is helping me too. My husband of 35.9 years died suddenly recently (65 yrs old, just). My children are all grown and living away. His will was "made" by one of those "dollies" who "grab you as you come out of the supermarket, tired, in the evening" and tell you how important it is as you could drop dead anytime. "AND they will make your will for you FREE OF CHARGE". Then they visit you at home at the most inconvenient moment, make you a "back to back" will that involves all the children as trustees and even if you object your husband says it is better to have one than not, so, you sign. And then it costs you £250 to "store", even if you tell your husband it is not necessary. Now it backfires. I don't want to keep the three of them from recieving their part, that would break the family. I am still quite capable of enjoying my life and don't want to be a parcel with the three of them as "my Trustees". The will was supposed to be for the surviving partner if they were old and decrepit. I may have misunderstood, I hope so. I could do without all this now when I'm feeling so sad anyway. Even some blasted prat has chosen now to clone my Cahoot debit card, which was a lifeline, because the joint credit card account closure letter seems to have got lost somewhere in Barclay's in/out trays. How long does it take to get through this terrible muddle stage? I know Jemma will call me stupid again.

Stormybay

Oh Togo,
I do hope you are ok. Muddled is normal, as is all sorts of strange thoughts and emotions, so please don't worry about how you are feeling. I'm so sorry you've lost your husband, it's just awful.
Wills are strange things aren't they, I'm sure you can see a solicitor and make changes to your own if need be. I have a feeling that November is free will making month, and if you search on here, you will find information about that, and which solicitors participate in the scheme.
My OH never made a will at all, and that caused no end of issues really, but tbh, there wasn't much there to worry about.
My Mum made a will, didn't tell anyone, and one turned up via the bank, 4 months after she was cremated. The first words on the will were - I wish my body to be buried!
My Dad had a will, and a small folder with all his affairs all in order. This was a god send at the time, and I have done the same for my children when it's needed.
Oh, Togo, please keep posting your thoughts and rants on here, there are so many lovely helpful people, I know it has certainly made my journey a lot easier.
I hope you've contacted cahoot with regards to the cloning, I'm sure they can sort it out
Much hugs
Stormy
xxxxxx

Dustykitten

Togo sending you my deepest condolences and a huge hug.

Wills can be varied. I don't know all the ins and outs but I think it is within 2 years of a death. You will need a solicitor and I don't know what the rules are but we did vary Dad's will for Mum at the time for inheritance tax purposes. The rules have since changed with the couple allowance so what we did no longer is required but please if you can seek some advise.

With much love at such a sad time Dusty x

Stormybay

Hi All,
I just wanted to say, thinking of you all at this bittersweet time of year
Stormy xx

cornish_lady

Hi Stormy

Thanks for the good wishes. I would like to say it gets easier, but for me personally it hasn't really.
I miss the cuddles and hugs. I miss holding hands in the street, someone to tell everything to, I just miss him....
Most of the the time I cope, I should get an Oscar sometimes. I think I'm pretending I'm ok for me too, hoping that one day it will be so.
It's just over 3 years now, and it feels like 20 years and 5 minutes all at the same time, if that makes sense.
I will carry on, I will cook Christmas dinner and pretend everything is ok and maybe one day it will be...

sarymclary

I was thinking of you yesterday Stormy (altho' not near the PC to say so). I hope you and the family were able to remember John without too much pain, although the sorrow will always remain. I was discussing the same thing with my 17 y/o son earlier today, after he was telling me about a good friend of his who's dad has died suddenly in the last couple of weeks, and that he had a chat with this other lad, to reassure him that time will eventually make things feel better, and that life does return to a sort of new 'normal'. I likened grief to having a large square lump put inside your body. It's sharp and painful to bear initially, but over time, the edges get rounded off and smoothed, so that the pain becomes more bearable.

Cornish Lady - I'm so sorry you aren't feeling your pain lessen as the years pass by. 3 years is still a fairly short time, especially when you have lost the love of your life. We all cope with our grief in our own way, and invariably just do the best we can from day to day. I would say that if you've not had some grief counselling already, that you may benefit from some at some point. I found I bottled things up with most of my friends and family, trying to be strong for everyone else (mostly because I thought it was expected of me), but if it hadn't been for one of my friends, who knew that underneath I was struggling at times, and actually broached the subject with me, asking how I was coping, and really just allowing me the space and time to talk about my DH, I don't think I'd have been able to move forward as I have.
Do you have family that you'll be spending Christmas with, and do they know how much you are still struggling to deal with your loss?

For all of those who have lost a loved one, whether recently or in times gone by, I hope you all find peace and love in your hearts, and remember the happier times and fond memories with your loved and lost this Christmas.

Wishing you all a well this Christmas, and New Year.

S xxx

Dustykitten

Sending love to all of you missing someone special. I hope you can find space in the days ahead to have a few moments to remember the good times and why you loved that special person so much. Don't expect too much of yourself, be kind to yourself, with love Dusty x

AnW'sMum

I hope you have all had a peaceful Christmas and managed to smile at the memories of those you have all lost.

Cornish Lady I know exactly what you mean, I can't believe it's the 5th Christmas without Ian. But we have managed to smile and have a good time. Ian sent me £90 via a lottery win just before my birthday so I know he is there somewhere. The sad thing for me though is that this next year I will pass him in terms of age and I think that will be a difficult day. One that no one else will even be aware of it though.

Sending positive thoughts to each and everyone of you as we progress into a new year.

cornish_lady

Sorry to have posted such a down message before Christmas. It just gets me that way sometimes, especially Christmas and my Birthday. he always made so much of those occasions. I hope I didn't upset anyone.

All in all, I had a good one, one daughter came over on Christmas day with partner and grandson and another on Boxing day with her 2 sons. I was kept so busy I didn't have time to think too much.

I have made a big effort this year to go out more, and have joined a couple of craft clubs. I know that Phil would approve as he was always telling me off for not seeing friends more often.

The next tricky one for me is New Year. I have always found this an emotional time anyway as when he was in the forces he was away and I was sad, when he was in the police he was often on duty and I was sad, and when he was actually there I would cry as I was happy he was there!! I shall probably just go to bed early and try to forget it is happening(not so easy now so many people let off fireworks to celebrate)

I am sure you are right that things will get easier with time, it just catches up with me and the last couple of months have been very hard.

Good wishes to all, and hope for a good year ahead. J xx