Stormybay's Thread a bit of comfort in a hard world

sarymclary

Samantha,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is an odd thing to deal with, and it's surprising how badly some people deal with it. I had a negative experience from my in-laws too, to the extent where they tried to bury my husband in a secret funeral, without me or my 4 children being present, and then when i discovered, by accident it was planned, they then told me to 'f' off, do what ever the 'f' I wanted to with his 'effing body, and they then made random threats to kill my sister's children, and blamed my 2 youngest children (aged 5 & 3) for their father's death!! To say this was completely unexpected at the time was an understatement, they'd been doting grandparents, 'love you to the moon and back forever' was their usual signatory on cards, and since the day their dad died, not a word from them. They didn't attend their son's funeral, despite me sending a card to advise the dates, and inviting all the extended family & friends from that side of the family. None of whom were allowed to attend by my in-laws, so you can imagine the service was a rather sorry affair.

It would seem that anger comes to the forefront with some people when a loved one dies, and it can be completely irrational. I'm sure you and I had absolutely nothing to do with our husband's deaths, but somehow, in their warped minds, they can make us the bad guy, because they simply need someone to blame. I've come to feel nothing now but pity for my in-laws. They not only lost their son, but their grandchildren too, which was completely unnecessary. All I would say in your case is that maybe, after a few weeks reflection, your in-laws started to see the error of their ways? Nonetheless, they should have apologised, or at the very least acknowledged they'd not reacted rationally after your husband's death, and asked to move forward, put it all behind you, etc. This depends upon how comfortable a person is with making an apology, or admitting a mistake.

I don't know how much you valued the relationship between your in-laws and your children, or even yourself, prior to your husband's death, but in the future you may benefit from them having a continued relationship with your children, and maybe benefit the children to have the contact with their father's family. I would take each day at a time, and don't expect too much from yourself. You were let down at a time when you needed his family the most, and I can totally understand you struggling to forgive them. Give them the opportunity to now make things up to you by their action now, even if they cannot find the courage to say the words. If you don't feel the contact is appropriate, then take necessary steps at that time.

I would not want to create anymore upset and conflict in your life at this moment in time, while still trying to come to terms with your husband's loss.

I pretended my DH was away on business for about 2 years after his death. Even now, almost 7 years later, I still struggle to comprehend that I will never see him again, and that he won't have an impact on my children's lives anymore.

As for the children, they are incredibly resilient, and mine didn't really seem to grieve for as long as I had anticipated, and school's regular routine seemed to be their saving grace. I have to say I was grateful for that, as I don't know how I would have coped trying to help them through a desperate episode of bereavement, whilst struggling to convince them I was coping in the aftermath. That's not to say that in the years ahead, at certain milestones, they won't be sad and regret their dad not being there. Give them time, and let them just 'be', is all I would advise. My eldest didn't cry for a long time after his dad died, and then one day, out of nowhere (during registration in school) he suddenly broke down inconsolable, and unable to stop crying. It was like the flood gates had suddenly unlocked, and all the grief held in burst out. He was about 13/14 at the time (he was just turned 12 when his dad died).

If you find it helps to post here, just to get how you're feeling out in the open, then please do. If you're read back through the posts, you will see how everyone has supported each other through difficulties over the past few years.

Take care of yourself, and whilst I can't promise things will be easier by Christmas, you will slowly learn to live with the grief, and find a new kind of 'normal' to live by. I see grief as having to swallow a big jagged pill whole, that sticks painfully inside you, but over time, the jagged edges slowly melt, and become smoother, and more easy to bear, so the pain lessens. Don't expect too much from yourself too soon. Keeping busy was my failsafe, I started reading lots of books at bedtime to keep my mind occupied, until I fell asleep with a book on my face. Weekends were definitely the hardest time, but I would organise playdates for the kids, or arrange a trip to the swimming pool, walks in the woods, anything to keep us occupied.

Newbie2saving

togo wrote: »

Hope you have happy distractions to carry you into 2011. I have gone through my 2011 diary and marked the times that will be very hard and written "Go Away Somewhere Different As A Distraction". Children are strong and sometimes very sensible and helpful. Take care of yourself and try to counter the negative memories as they try to creep in with positive happy memories and stay strong. God Bless, togo

Thanks Togo, you're right, my DS is great at keeping my mind and body busy! He is so funny right now, so into wheels and so much like his Daddy. My DH would have been super proud of his little fella, so cruel he never even got to meet him. This is what hurts the most, not one minute with his Dad, not even a photo. Too cruel.

Sorry you've had such a bad experience with your brother. People certainly react in different ways and adding this onto your stressful life - may have tipped me into a real rage! Hope you've managed to sort things out now.

Well must dash, have to get some sleep before I'm awoken in the early hrs!

Hope you are all doing ok through this difficult and testing time. Still can't quite believe I'm on this rocky road....

Nite all x.

Dustykitten

Just popping on to let AnW'sMum know that I'm thinking about you and wishing you strength for tomorrow xx

Hope that all of the other posters on this thread are well and finding some strength and fond memories on their journeys.

Love to all of you Dusty x

sarymclary

Thinking of you AnW'sMum. Hoping you and the children get through tomorrow OK. I've got my anniversaries all out the way now. Last month was the wedding anniversary (oh and the engagement proposal one).

Hi Dusty, I hope you're doing OK. My boys are all getting so big now. My youngest was 3 when his dad died, and he turns 11 in a couple of months, then goes up to secondary school. He hadn't even had his 1st day at school when his dad passed away. It seems amazing that so much time, and all those milestones have passed already. The older boys have gone through primary, taken exams, gone to college, or even started work now. They were in primary/grammar school when their dad died. It seems like a lifetime ago. I wonder all the time what he'd make of these young men now. Strange how so much time has gone by, but it still seems like only yesterday to me that he died sometimes.

Love to you all xx

AnW'sMum

Hi everyone

Thanks Dusty and Sary I can't believe it's 5 yearrs since Ian died the time has just slipped through our hands. For some totally unexplained reason I have found today particularly difficult, more so than the past couple of anniversarys. I have deliberately kept busy so that I have not had much time to think today.

I have had some lovely texts, chats and PM's from good friends and family which whilst making me cry has been great as well. But as per usual I have had no contact from any of Ian's family. I always wonder if I should be the one to contact them but it always feels like it is one way. My sister asked if they had contacted me and was disgusted when I said no but TBH I expect no contact, would be nice to be acknowledged though. Like they say you can choose you friends but not your family.

Anyway enough of that, overall it has been a reasonable year one in which I am now physically older than Ian, that was a very odd day. Alice is going up to secondary school this September and William is well Just William :rotfl: he is such an entertainer and has so many of Ian's characterisitcs and mannerisms it's scary.

We have had a week away in the caravan in Durham which we all enjoyed. Whilst there we went to a rail museum and on one of the carriages in large numbers was Ian's collar number! I clear sign that to me that he was there with us Alice and William got to stand on the footplate of the real Hogwarts Express which Ian would have loved as he was a huge Harry Potter fan.

Just wanted to thank everyone on here for all the support given to us and everyone else in a similr situation.

Take care all xx

unoriginal_uk

Hi all - I stumbled across this thread this morning at work whilst doing my usual daily flick through the forums...and 13 hours later I have JUST finished reading all 75 pages. I feel like I know your lives inside out now and MY GOSH I have so much awe forhow you have all coped with these lowest times in your lives, especially Stormy and AnW'sMum who have stood out throughout the thread.

I havent' lost anyone close, but almost a year ago today my little brother tried to commit suicide, (THANKFULLY) failed, and is still here today, but only after a month in intensive care with various people trying to save his life/ability to walk, etc, and then another few months in hospital with operation after operation. It has torn our family apart and we go through periods of time where we are all close, and then other periods where we seem to all hate each other, and him for what he has put us through. We have a really small family, it's just me (I'm 26) my two little brothers and my mum.

After reading this thread, and crying at almost every single page, I feel so lucky to still have my closest 3 people in my life, and I just felt I needed to type this and to say reading this and all of your experiences today has genuinely changed my life. It's taught me to make the most of the time you have with the people you love, not waste your days being bitter about things that have happened, or mistakes they have made in the past. Every day is still a struggle for our family, for various reasons I won't depress you with, but I am determined after reading this thread to pull myself together and stop taking my loved ones for granted because you never know how long they will be here for.

It's funny because when it happened last year during the first couple of days whilst my brother was in surgery and they were trying to save his life, I spent every second saying to everyone who would listen that I would never ever get angry at my family again, I would tell them I love them every second, I'd never argue with my brothers again, almost saying anything to try and bargain my brothers life back for him. And now he is still with us it seems to have fallen by the wayside - I still get annoyed with him, we still argue, we all still have silly arguments. I guess it showed me that it was never going to be always perfect like I promised myself it was, but it doesnt need to, you just have to make the most of the moments you have with the people you love.

Argh, oops, I've rambled on and I promised myself I wouldn't. And now I'm bawling my eyes out which is rather odd because I've rarely cried since it happened. It's just this thread has really struck a chord with me. I SO SO hope you are all coping ok, and trying to live life to the fullest in your own ways and with your families x

sarymclary

Hi Unoriginal, welcome to our thread.

I'm glad your brother's attempt was unsuccessful for all your sakes. I hope he is in a much better place mentally, and now able to cope with life, and all that it throws at us.

I think it's probably been only natural that your family has been thrown into disarray, after such a worrying and emotional time. I think most of us who've contributed here can relate to the making bargains with God. It's certainly something I tried to do... unsuccessfully

I think your last paragraph says what most of us have come to realise; that life is never straight-forward and easy, and in fact, when you think it's been chaotic and difficult enough, it seems to have a habit of adding more chaos and difficulties. Families can be difficult things to manage. The hardest thing can be to remain neutral when there are disagreements and hard feelings between others. I hope you have managed to find a balance there somehow.

Oh, and as for rambling, it's kind of been a compulsory trait of each of us here at one point or another, so you're in good company.

unoriginal_uk

Sarymclary...thanks so much for your kind words. Unfortunately no, he's not in a better place now really, and thats why the past year has been so stressful. He's in as bad a place, if not worse, as he was when he did what he did but the only difference now is I don't think he would try to do it again because he sees now what it's put all of us through. On top of this my other little brother has schizophrenia and it is a daily struggle with him. I currently have everything sharp in our house locked under my bed. We live in constant fear of either/both of them doing something stupid. My mum has just been told she is being made redundant next month and so I will be the sole earner in our household and will have to support everyone (My brother's don't have jobs, they just sit at home all day every day doing nothing, they're in their early 20's).

Thanks for making me feel better about rambling. It's funny isn't it, you listen to what other's have been through and you think my god I'll never moan about my problems ever again. But once that intial feeling starts to fade, you realise your own problems are just as real and hard to cope with as ever. Yes...my three family members are still alive and breathing...but sometimes things get so hard that I find myself wishing I didn't have them around to have to worry about - how awful do I sound saying that? God now I'm bawling again. I just get so angry at my brother for not using this as a chance to get the help he needs and take a hold of his life...but he seems to just be as complacent as ever. I get so angry at him for what he put us through and even after that still causing us so many problems on a daily basis (just an example - the recent thing is now he won't eat. He refuses to eat anything. you would think he was 8 years old throwing temper tantrums...not 22 years old).

I just feel that life is so unfair and then it makes me angry at myself because I should be bloody grateful that at least those I love are still here and alive.

AnW'sMum

Hi everyone

It's been a tough day today, Alice had her last day at primary school. I knew all us Mums would be there with tissues in hand! We were all at the leavers assembly where a lot of the class won awards for various achievements. Alice has just completed 4 years without a day off, she (and I) are very proud of that, she has done very well in her SATS too. She has had the same class teacher for the last 2 years who has worked tirelessly with them all and encouraged them to achieve all their potential. There was a powerpoint presentation which had pictures from their time at that school which prompted memories, very happy ones, of the day Ian and I took her to that school for the first time. I was holding it together quite well until another mum glanced across at me after the assembly! I came home and had a coffee and a chance to pull myself together before I went into work.

It doesn't seem 2 minutes since she was a tiny tot starting nursery and now she is about to start a new chapter in her life.

You might be able to tell that I am quite proud of her and I certainly know Ian would be

Both she and William have had a good year at school and are now looking forward to the treats that they have been promised for working hard at school. I can't believe (as ever) how fast time is passing, I know this 6 weeks will flash by but we are going to have a good time.

unoriginal I am glad that you feel you can share with us and I admire all that you are coping with. As you are know life is tough and getting on with it is all that any of us can do. None of us would want the circumstances that we find ourselves in but the support here is great. As sary said the rambling is almost a pre requsite of being part of the thread

George_hein

I am so sorry. I really sad at this incident.