Stormybay's Thread a bit of comfort in a hard world

Different_Corner

Mandymoo
Hugs, how you are feeling is so normal. Putting the mask on every morning for the outside world is exactly what what I did/still do. Good days and bad days. Go with it, whatever you are feeling....

People say how well I'm doing, but they really don't know what else to say. 'New life' is a term I've heard. 'New' is something that's shiny and you want and are excited about, I don't want this.

I can honestly say the good days are starting to outweigh the bad, only because I have some feeling that he's sitting on my shoulder looking out for me. Had to turn things round.

Please keep coming on here and let us know how you are doing. I'm not very eloquent or articulate at this stuff, but 8 months is still a raw time and the firsts are never easy.

Newbie, B & Q. Yep get that feeling too. Get that feeling everytime I cut the lawn -his pride and joy - my nemisis !

Wishing you both some peace.

sarymclary

Newbie, thank you for your kind thoughts. We've got through J's birthday, and later this month marks the 6th anniversary of his death. The time has gone by so fast, and I realise that most of it is much of a blur to me. I can't really remember a great deal of the first year without him. I think I just went through the motions. I had plenty to distract me at the time, coping with many other matters that were a knock-on effect. As for B&Q, that's a steep learning curve, but I find asking staff for help is the best way. I also go into an independent paint supplier to ask for advice there, and they've been fantastic. I had no one I knew that was a competent DIY-er, so it really sucks if you need help.

Mandymoo, OMG I hear you, and totally understand. I think you're expecting too much of yourself to not feel like you are now. How about not always putting on that brave face, and let those around you know you aren't coping at times. There is this awful responsibility that you get lumbered with when you are bereaved, that you feel everyone else just needs you to keep functioning as normal, to not cave in and give up. The problem is that most of the time, that is exactly what you wish you could do! It's such early days, and I'd be lying to you if I told you it won't take a good while longer yet, until you start to feel much different, but there will come a time when you'll realise you've turned a corner. It is a gradual thing, but don't expect too much too soon. You need to have time to grieve, to feel sad, angry, frustrated, lonely, helpless, hopeless and desperate. Once I began to get back into life again, I'd feel guilty for laughing and sharing a funny moment, but on reflection, my DH would never have wanted me to be miserable and sad forever, and he had a great sense of humour, so would want me to have the odd chuckle.

I think it took me several years, and I'm still at a point of accepting still, that my life could never be the same again. I could never go back, and the door had closed on that part of my life, without any warning, and without my choosing. I hated it. Time, as the old addage says, is the greatest healer. It puts a more comfortable bandage over the wounds of losing our loved ones. I still find it hard to accept the way my life has gone, but I think you have to reach a point when you begin to think about the future in a more positive way. That, for me, was when I started to live again. I think my life was on hold for about 3 years though before that, but I'm sure my family and most friends would have all said I was coping brilliantly, and had been getting on with life anyway, even though inside I hadn't, but slowly, over that time I'd been moving forward.

DC - I think you put it perfectly, so no problems with being articulate there. I guess I have to be grateful for the fact that my DH was a lazy bum, and hated doing the garden (or anything else around the home really), so I've always cut the grass.

Wishing you all well this Easter, and thinking of you all.

Take care
S xx

Different_Corner

sarymclary wrote: »

I think my life was on hold for about 3 years though before that, but I'm sure my family and most friends would have all said I was coping brilliantly, and had been getting on with life anyway, even though inside I hadn't, but slowly, over that time I'd been moving forward.

Take care
S xx

That's exactly where I'm at Sary, and what I wanted to convey. There isn't a pinpoint moment that you can say, 'I'm alright now'. It is a growing process. It's like you are waiting for something, (think I've said that before) but you don't know what.

Wish you a gentle and calm month with your anniversaries approaching.

sarymclary

Well the day is here, 6 years today life changed forever in my family. Funnily enough, although I always know the date, it was my 12 y/o who remembered last night what today's date would signify. I was surprised by that, and reminded that despite their young age, they do have the capacity to remember, and need to have the chance to share how they're feeling. So also has my 12 y/o reached that milestone of half his life has been spent without his dad now. For my youngest that came 3 years ago.

The time has passed so quickly, but then I think children occupy so much of your time that it tends to do that. I immersed myself in that, and projects in the home to keep myself busy. Today has been a quieter day, with time to reflect. It's hard to even get it into my head as a fact still, that he's no longer here. It sometimes feels like that part of my life with him was a dream. I can relate it to if you were able to wrap a part of your life up, and put it in a small boat, and watch it slowly but surely drift further, and further away from you, so that it becomes hard to even see properly.

Mandy & Newbie, how are you doing? Remember we're always here if you need us.

Sending healing hugs to anyone who needs them, thinking of you all often.

S xxx

Stormybay

Hi Sary, Mandy, Newbie, DC, Anw's Mum and all,
Sary, gosh 6 years, doesn't time go so fast in this 'different' (rather than new) life? I hope most of your reflection today was happy reflection rather than bad. In one way, I'm almost lucky, as I'm not good with dates and sometimes remember the event after it's happened (but then the guilt sets in).
Someone asked me the other day when my wedding anniversary was (from my first sham of a marriage, not me and J), and I could honestly say that I couldn't remember, sometime in June I think!!! how bad is that, although I will NEVER forget 22nd December 2006.
It's been almost 3 and half years for me now, and I can relate to you all that are in different stages of your loss and how difficult it is.
I don't know how other people feel, but for me, I can go for weeks and weeks plodding along, work, children, work, children, holiday, work children, then, for no apparent reason at all, I can be driving along and start to cry. I can't think of any particular trigger for it, it's almost like my body needs to let out a bit of grief, and then I can happily get on my way.
Our daughter is getting so much like her dad now, she's 14 and was 11 when he died, and it's strange, as she's almost a mini him, and it's lovely to see. Once upon a time, it was sad for me to see and hear her being her dad, but now it makes me laugh and smile away to myself, it brings good memories, rather than those ones in the car that night!
I don't know when the good outweighed the bad, it seems to have just crept up on me when I wasn't looking, and even when I have the crying moments, they end up with me smiling, not looking like something out of the living dead.
I know that the phrase that 'time is a healer' is a horrible stupid one, and I doubt we ever heal, but I think I have started to get used to this alternative future and look upon the past as something that has made me what I am (A bit loopy if you ask my friends).
I miss John more than words can say, but not with an ache in my heart, but with good memories. I do feel so sad that he's not here to share our childrens' and grandchildrens' futures, but I tell him all about it in my mind, I also am cross with him sometimes, as I want him here to help with the cr*p that goes on too.
I know, I ramble, but I just want you all to know that I'm thinking of you, and as summer comes, for me it's even harder, as we are all supposed to be in a happy, sunny mood, and that's not always possible.
Sary, I'm happy that you have found someone to love you, and to love. How has the moving in together gone?
I have also met someone, but am not easy with the situation, I still have a lot of guilt going on, and at the moment, can't get past that, but am working on it.
Thanks for reading my ramblings as always, what a family we are???
Hugs and love to all of you, all of the time xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

AnW'sMum

Evening all

Just a quick post to send love and hugs to you all but especially to sary today. The passing of time marked by how long the children live without Daddy is one of the most difficult things in all of this. No one else is aware of these dates but they hurt just as much.

Life seems to carry on here and day to day things are not too bad around here. Just today I was clearing out the cloakroom cupboard, I knew it would be difficult as Ian's shoes were amongst the the bags and coats. How ridiculous that old worn out trainers can cause someone to cry! They were only there for knocking about the house and garden in, but are now awaiting transfer up to the loft.

Stormy I love the loopy reference! I reckon I am like that too lol I always say normal is overrated

Mandy I think we can all relate to how you feel and even now almost 4 years later I still want my old life back. I had a mini meltdown over the winter when everything seemed to be conspiring against me and the final straw was the heating packing up. Dad came round to try and help and I just blurted out 'I hate my life' poor bloke didn't know what to do or say as the one thing that would fix it he can't do. But the heating got sorted and so did the other irksome things and life carried on again. Alice and William make all the difference for me and seeing them grow and wonder at life is the best tonic

Right I had better go before I turn (even more) into a blubbering wreck.

Keep safe, strong and well everyone xx

Newbie2saving

Evening all,

I just want to say how good it is to hear your updates. We all seem to be at different points along this rocky road and I wish none of us were on it at all and our lives had taken a different path, but as we are here, it is of comfort to hear how you all are coping. I have reached the 10month mark. I am dreading Father's day, it should have been my DH's first one, life can be too cruel. Also the first anniversary in June which happens to be my birthday weekend, which I obviously will never celebrate the same again no matter when it had been, but it's so hard now.

My LO keeps me busy, he is nearly 10months old, just learnt to crawl and the new word in our house is "No"!

Sarymclary - it sounds as though you had a lot to deal with in terms of dates, you are like me in terms of working out how long things have been (like most of us I suppose). My latest one was my DH has been gone longer than I was pregnant for and that we knew we were going from a couple to a family, that never happened.

I am struggling with the bright days and sunshine as it reminds me of the fateful day and the days, weeks and months last year, dreadful. It also brings out all the smiling happy families and couples, gosh I still am so envious. What would life have been like....? How good life was... sigh....

Well I must head off now, I just popped in this thread on the off chance tonight some of you had posted and it cheered me up as I mentioned to know I'm not alone (if that makes sense?!).

Bye for now and I hope you are all doing as well as possible....x.

Different_Corner

Oh Newbie, Fathers Day. That was 3 weeks after my DH passed away. Just big hugs to you, do something for the two of you, something silly.
And sunny days, yes there's always that reminder.

You are not alone, because he's with you. I find myself telling him off when I can't find something, laughing at something I know would have tickled him, and hearing his laugh in return. It's all a part of healing. Helping me cope.

I'n careering towards my 2nd 'sadiversary' and never ever thought I would get to this calmer, peaceful state of mind. Dates are funny things. I have just unearthed all our old video tapes of Xmas's b'days, silly days and about to get them transferred to DVD. There will be things I don't remember, so old memories rediscovered.

You sound good Newbie, I know the next couple of months won't be easy, but it really is one day at a time.

AnW'sMum

Morning all

Newbie you are doing so well, you are almost through all the firsts. The first year is the toughest year and even more bittersweet given that you have a new baby. You are a strong wife and mother (I hate the word widow, always have. I am still a wife and I believe you are too). I can't believe that it is almost 4 years since Ian died, it seems there are a few of us with June anniversarys. Fathers Day was just a couple of weeks after Ian died and I totally ignored it but now we take flowers and cards to Daddy and the other year we bought a 'Top Dad' Champions cup which is on his grave. Each time we go we dill it up with kisses so that he can help himself when we are not there. We take the top off and let them float up to him.

Stormy, sary, DC, mandy you are all in my thoughts and I hope we can all find time to enjoy the spring and remember our lost ones with happy memories.

Take care all xx

sarymclary

Another one of those tricky anniversaries today for many of us.

Thinking of all of you who have lost dads, husbands and dads to our children. Hard to cope with today especially I feel.
I hope you've all managed to find the strength to endure Fathers' Day. My boys seem to cope well with it, although I know a couple of them still struggle a bit.

I'm not sure if I should be concerned or not, but my 12 y/o is convinced he saw his dad at the foot of his bed a couple of nights ago. I told him it was probably a dream, but he's determined that he'd not yet fallen asleep. He wasn't that bothered by it it seems. The eerie thing is that he described almost perfectly what his dad was wearing when he was buried.... I never told the children any of those details, as they were a bit too young at the time, and it's not something you go into afterwards. He seemed to be under the illusion his dad was actually in a football shirt, so in describing a certain colour formal shirt he couldn't have known.

Time seems to move on at such a pace still. Both my eldest leave school this month, and will be heading off to college. My DH didn't even see see the younger of the 2 go to secondary school.... probably just as well, because it's been a blimming struggle with him ever since! Ah, the joys of parenting.

Thinking of you all. I hope you're all doing OK.