Stormybay's Thread a bit of comfort in a hard world

Dustykitten

Just wanted to pop in to say my thoughts are with you all. Mandymoo I'm especially sending coping vibes to you sweetie and wishing you and your children as much peace as is possible.

There will be things that are hard for everybody here, whoever they are missing, for us it is our first Christmas without Grandma. I'm lucky she was 89 so most of the memories are fond and funny ones for her time had surely come.

As so many of us know it is the oddest things, putting up the lights, a decoration with a memory, a family tradition, a name on a card that sting so much and sneak up right when you think you were doing well.

I hope others find comfort in the true friendship we find amongst the contributors on MSE.

With love Dusty xx

Different_Corner

Mandymoo, wish I had some wise and gentle words for you as you approach this time of year. Last year is still a blur for me, but one thing my SIL said to me was 'Go With The Flow'. She was right, but I didn't know that at the time.

Stormy, will be thinking of you.

Reflections on last year. People are full of well meaning advice out there and (this will sound really bad ) sometimes I just wanted them all to shut up ! I know that everything was meant with kindness, and the gentle, sympathetic looks, hands on shoulders and lovely words were all for my well being. People really do care. But there were times when I honestly could have just screamed ! When asked how I was, how the boys were etc. I started saying 'We just are..' Because I couldn't keep trying to put a brave face on it just to make others feel ok. That sounds really ungrateful but I on another forum I was glad to hear it was normal. Part of the anger stage I guess.

Yesterday I had an unbelieveably low moment come out of nowhere. Like the grief monster had been saving it all up for a few months, presented himself to me at 10am yesterday morning and just knocked me for 6. Throw in a little Christmas stress, PMT and bang ! These moments have lessened in frequency, but still take the stuffing out of me.

I wish you all a relaxed Christmas. I know we'll all have our moments. But I still feel he is sitting on my shoulder, getting me through this. Hope yours are too.

sarymclary

DC - wise words there, and I'm right there with you on the anger/frustration front. I felt like screaming and shouting for all manner of reasons, but mainly because I didn't want to be big and brave, I didn't want to be dealing with this, especially because I felt I was too young, but most of all I was scared to face a future of uncertainty, but it seemed up to me to have to be capable of doing so, and I felt a pressure to 'cope'.

Christmas is that time of year to throw up emotions I think. Perhaps it's because it is a yearly routine, and time for traditions, and reminds almost forcibly of the years gone by? I know one of my boys is missing his dad at the moment. He's having a tricky time staying on the straight and narrow at school, seems to be constantly grounded at home, and I know he had a strong affinity and connection with his dad, so misses that a lot. He had a friend here yesterday and wanted to show her pictures of him as a baby, and of course in amongst those were lots of his dad holding him, kissing him, playing with him, etc. I think the most telling thing my son said was 'I look so much like him', and it's true, but I reminded him that he is also himself too, but has elements of his dad there, which is good. I don't want him to burden himself with wanting to 'be' his dad. I'll be keeping a close eye on things there, but on the whole the children seem OK. My youngest, after seeing the pictures said he didn't really know his daddy, and wanted to know if he spent much time with him, and if he did know him. They're the questions that floor you sometimes, and make it challenging to find the positive. I try to always find a reassuring anecdote, or fact that they can tuck in their hearts, so that they know they were loved by him, and that he didn't want to leave them behind. I think for my boys they felt abandoned by him when he died.

Christmas here is focussed squarely on the children. They are starting to get very excited about it, and with only 1 week of school left, I'd better get those presents wrapped pretty quick!

Take care all.

Newbie2saving

Wow, what a wonderful thread in terms of advice and support, but just so sorry you have all had to go through this. I want to post a note, not with a question, more to say thank you for being so open and sharing your stories here. I lost my DH in June this yr in a RTA, I was 37wks pg and I'm still in shock. My DS has enabled me to get through the darkest times so far. I wish I had found this thread earlier. So much advice, most of which I found by researching myself, I still cannot believe the lack of advice out there. So I'm a young single mum recently widowed on the run up to Christmas. I feel very alone and jealous of my friends and their families and the special time they are enjoying. It should have been a special family Christmas for us too. I have never had time to wallow in my grief or focus on myself as my unborn baby needed me and then my newborn needed me more. Sorry this is just a vent, but thank you once again for the advice shared in this thread...

sarymclary

Newbie2 - I'm so sorry for your loss. Every loss is tragic in it's own way, but it sounds like you've been like so many who have contributed here, and have dug deep within yourself, and somehow found the strength to carry on for those who need us. You will look back in years to come and realise that it was your saving grace that you had them to focus on. My youngest was very young when his daddy died, and when I say he has been my constant ray of sunshine, and a daily reminder of why I need to carry on, it's no overstatement.

So Newbie2, now you have found us, feel free to vent, dispair, rant, wonder, and feel free to share the lows and the highs, the dead ends, and the turning points. We've invariably all been there, one way or another, and know that we all have to grieve in our own way, but also know how helpful it can be to tell it how it really is, when we can't do the same with our friends and families.

Take care, and I hope you manage to get through this first Christmas as best as can be expected. I won't lie to you and tell you it won't be tough, but it will be yet another first you'll have got through.

S xx

Newbie2saving

Thanks for the welcoming post sarymclary, appreciate it. Sure I will pop by to share in this journey with you all. Also hope you all manage to have as peaceful a Christmas as possible through difficult times...x.

Different_Corner

Newbie, I don't know what to say. You have lost tragically and yet had to get up and and on with it, your emotions must be ragged. As Sary says get it all out here if you need to.

The jealousy - oh yes - identify with that. For me it's the freshly retired 60 plus couples that have each other, that walk in a contented silence together, sitting eating lunch in a restaurant or whatever. Maybe they are happy maybe they are not, but at least they have each other. I know thats on the other ens of the scale to your current situation.


Not wanting to make light of this experience but I became an expert at 'duvet diving' you know the real racking sobs that start somewhere way down in your heart and stomach and it hurts to breathe, but they need to get out.

I'm sure your DS will be your world and I truly wish you a peaceful Christmas. Sary is right, not going to be easy, but don't expect too much of yourself.

All here for you so please don't feel alone.

mandymoo

Stormybay, my thoughts are with you and yours today.

With love
Mandymoo xxxxx

sarymclary

Thinking of you and the family today Stormy. My the time seems to have gone so quickly.

Love
S xxx

AnW'sMum

Hi everyone

I hope you are all holding up in the run up to Christmas, not an easy time for any of us but we will get through it because that is the type of people we are. Newbie I am so sorry that you are going through this as well but I hope you make some lovely new memories for you and your son. Remember your DH will be watching over you both. The firsts are so difficult but you will get through them.

We are fetching flowers for Ian today and will take them to him tomorrow, Alice chose a posy of Christmassy colours and yellows, Ian's favourite colour

Stormy you have been in my thoughts recently, I hope the sparkle of Christmas is returning for you all with the presence of young children in the family again, John will be so proud of all you have achieved.

DC I know exactly what you mean about wanting to tell people to shut up, I have been so tempted myself at times. And duvet diving, oh yes been there as well. One of the most difficult things this year was marking the date when William had lived as long with Ian as without him and he's not even 7 Nobody else was aware (and why would they be) but that was a tough few days. The other was my birthday (an '0' one!), everyone else wanted to make a big deal out of it, fortunately it was just our usual family birthday tea with a couple of extra friends.

I had better get organised pr else I will still be sat here in pj's in an hour's time!

Wishing you all a peaceful and happy Christmas with smiles at the memories of times past and for the memories we make this year.

xx