Stormybay's Thread a bit of comfort in a hard world

AnW'sMum

I think lots of us can relate directly to your feelings. I presume Phil worked shifts, Ian did and I think it made it harder to accept that he was gone in the early days as I could kid myself that he was at work.

Well done for joining the craft clubs, I hope you are getting some enjoyment from them and making new friends.

Keep doing what you are doing and things will get better gradually

sarymclary

cornish lady I'm pleased you were able to find a way to get through the festivities, and had loved ones around you who could help to distract you, and enable you to find enjoyment in the days. Keeping busy has to have been a fail-safe we've all used a considerable amount. You've been doing exactly the right things by joining some clubs, because you never know where those new connections may lead you, and finding new friends, especially those who can relate to your situation are a godsend.

I totally relate to what AnW'smum said about kidding yourself that your OH was at work, or just away. Mine used to work shifts, and then work away, sometimes for months at a time, so that is exactly the tactic I used for the first couple of years or more. In fact I don't think it really hit me until more than 4 years had passed that he was never coming home, and I had to begin to face the reality.

There is never a day when you don't think of your loved one, sometimes it's a sadness, and other times it's a fond memory, but I find that enduring love a comfort to have, and know that they may be gone for now, but they're never forgotten, and somehow I keep them going on within me, if that makes sense.

New Year has never been an occasion I've enjoyed. From childhood I've had an unerring feeling that NYE has meant saying goodbye, and with yet another New Year I'll move further away in time from those I've lost. My youngest is 3 times as old as he was when his dad died, and my 2nd youngest mentioned recently that he's now had more years without his dad than he had with him. It's sad enough for me to keep those unwelcome milestones inside, but to know that they're thinking about them too is hard. My best friend, and sons' godmother visited yesterday, and she said yesterday how losing my DH robbed me of my happy ever afters, and that it had only occurred to her on the drive down to see me, and that her 4 y/o is older than my son was when he lost his dad, and that I have had to raise my 4 boys without him. It will be 7 years since we lost him in the spring, and whilst life has gone on, as it does and will continue to do, the gap in our lives will always be there, but we've learnt to live with it more easily.

I wish you all a peaceful New Year, and send my best wishes to you all.

Stormybay

Good morning everyone.
It's good to see that, even though we are up and down, we continue to talk to each other, be there for each other and can be positive during the 'silly season'!
For me, as you know, another year anniversary has passed, 4 years since that awful night and 5 Christmas's.
I felt really bad that I coldn't get to the cemetary on the anniversary (22nd Dec), I wanted to take flowers and have my usual chat and moan at the graveside. I felt really guilty, but due to the snow, I couldn't even get out of my road.
A couple of days later, I was talking to my daughter who said, don't worry Mum, he wont mind, he'll still be there tomorrow you know, and he's probably been to see you anyhow. She's right, he's always there in my mind, around me, and in our children.
I see Rosie becoming more and more like her Dad every day, he traits become even more like him, I find that comforting and odd all at the same time. He's not here for her to copy, so they must be in built and that makes me smile, that he lives on in the children
This has been a particularly difficult year for me, my older children have has VERY a very hard year and that's effected me more this I thought. My son sort of lost his direction and became involved in unsavory things, resulting in losing his home, his friends and almost his freedom! He's had to live at home now, and I'm finding that difficult and I can't condone his actions, yet he's my son, and this has torn me apart.
Both my daughters' relationships with their partners have broken down, and they are now both lone parents (like me!). This is also difficult, and I feel a lot of guilt in the way there situations have turned out. One of them, my middle daughter, has also had a lot of health problems which has resulted in her having to stay in hospital, and loosing her job!
She still is having tests for 'abnormal' cells and it's a very worrying time. Due to all the ups and downs of the children, this has resulted in me helping all of them out financially and getting myself into debt because of this.
No matter how hard I try to ask John, what I should do to help them all, or to stop the guilty feelings, he's not been answering me for a while!!! I guess it's time to get tough with the children, and leave them to sort out their own problems, but it's so hard when you know they are suffering, and of course, they miss their dad too.
On top of all that, this year, I actually started a relationship with a man (of course........lol). Gosh, don't even go there with the guilt of that!!!
Anyhow, he's a really lovely man, so kind and generous, also a windower, so understanding too. He would do anything for me, and I mean anything! Eventually, after months and month of being 'looked after', pampered, bought gifts, etc, I started to feel rather claustraphobic! I am a very independent person, I have my own friends, decent job, interests etc, but I began to realise that the only interest he had was ME!!
He was constantly asking me to marry him, move in, accept gifts of cars, holidays and expensive jewellery, and I know I may be selfish, but that isn't what I wanted. I felt I was being bought, and that he wasn't happy with my independent lifestyle (which only means my girl friends and work!).
So I ended the relationship, and it's been absolutely awful. I've been stalked, constant phone calls, gifts arriving, threats of suicide, calls and visits to my, my children, my work! That's just the tip of the iceberg!
Well, I know I'm rambling on, but I'm sort of trying to say in my own way, that this has been a hard year, and will continue, I've no doubt, into 2011, but I've decided that this is the year to be STRONG. That John is NOT coming back to help me, and I have to show the the children tough love, that I have to be hard on the ex and phone the police if there are any more threats and stand up and be counted in my own right!
On the plus side, the youngest, Rosie, is doing ok. Still loving her football and Karate, and has signed up, in school for the World Challenge, and is currently fund raising for her month long trip to South Africa in the summer. They are going to climb part of Mount Kilimanjaro, and stop off at villages on the way, to help the children there, and to paint some buildings, dig out toilet facilities etc, so that will be fantastic. She is part of the way there of raising the £2000 needed to fund the trip, not to mention all the kit she will need!!!! Yikes.
Right, I'd better make the effort and get up and start my day!!!
Thank you all once again for listening, I could type away on here for days about all the issues in my head, and constantly wonder if I would have to face all these if John were here, and, apart from the ex, yes, I probably would!!
All of those who are missing their special people, you are in my thoughts, and wishing all of you a peaceful (as much as it can be) new year, and the best possible start for 2011
Lots of love
Stormy xxx

sarymclary

Goodness me Stormy, you've had a stormy year haven't you? Thank you for sharing your news with us, and I'm really sorry it's been so turbulent for so many of you.

I have to say I'll come and join you in the stormy corner too... it's been practically my worst year ever, since my DH died too. I also have a son who has caused a great deal of heartache and trouble (not all legal either ), who has left home (before taking his GCSE's), came back after a lot of intervention from his school on my behalf. Left again (after the GCSE's), and came back again. He's here.... for now, but there's more trouble brewing for the forseeable future from what I can tell. I've tried to guide him, to offer words of wisdom, and to treat him like the adult he thinks he is, but he behaves in a very selfish, immature way. He very near broke my heart when he left the 1st time, because there had been no cross words, or reason to go, and I had no idea where he was for a week. The NSPCC were wonderful giving me advice on the phone at a very late hour, and I also know that there's very little else I could do as a parent, it's just the way he is, and I have to accept that he chooses to pick the difficult path in life most of the time. He has great opportunities in life, but seems to take them for granted or abuse them. That's human nature, not human nurture.

It's is hard though Stormy to do tough love, but we know that deep down it's the only way lessons in life are going to be learned. Eventually you can almost end up colluding with them in their wrong-doings, or enabling them to not take responsibility. I hate to feel I've had the wool pulled over my eyes, but it was only after a 3rd party told my BF that my son knew he had the power to split us up, that I realised I was being well and truly played by this difficult, selfish boy of mine. I hope against hope that he grows up out of it, takes control of his life and becomes the man I want to be proud of, but he's a long way off of doing that yet. I'm now taking the tough love stance, and it does seem to be having at least some effect; he knows I'm not going to back down, and that he has to stick to my rules or bear the consequences now.... no more manipulating. Sigh, it was so much easier when they were younger, really it was.

Getting 'back out there' is a daunting thing. It's hard sometimes for the new person in your life to understand your grieving, and of course you have the usual difficulties where they aren't the father of your children, so haven't got that unconditional love thing going on.

Stormy, my youngest, who barely remembers his dad at all, is the absolute spit of his dad. His mannerisms and expressions are so like him it is unnerving sometimes. It's just within him, he cannot have learnt them at all. My troublesome lad is just like his dad though, but why he had to pick up all his bad habits I'll never know My 12 y/o seems to be my shining star of this year, managing to pass the 12+ and move secondary schools successfully, and happily (another trauma I worried endlessly about; moving him from one happy school to a new one, in favour of a grammar education and more potential opportunities). He's turning into a delightful young lad, and shows no real desire to want to shrug off having his mum around, in fact far from it, he seems to be wanting to find more reasons for us to have time together, which has been delightful. There's always a positive side to every situation I guess....

Crikey! It's not exactly the life we'd all envisaged for ourselves is it? Hah! I just thought I'd reassure Stormy that it's not just her who's struggling with being a single parent, boyfriend or no boyfriend on the scene, that's effectively what you are. I'm lucky that I do have a lovely man in my life now too, who supports me as much as he can, and endures my children with all their foibles (and father's nasty habits!). It would just help if either of us could find a job, as he lost his a year ago, after the company he worked for went into administration. It's not exactly awash with work out there, unfortunately, and potential opportunities seem to have gone up in smoke too. Life does like to keep us on our toes doesn't it?

Take care everyone, and let's hope we all survive 2011.

Much love
S xxx

Stormybay

Aw Sary, I wish neither of us were in the 'Stormy corner', but I'm so glad I'm not here alone, it's lovely to be in good company...........
Feel free if anyone else needs to join us.
Stormy
xxxx

Newbie2saving

Well it's New Years Eve and I just wanted to pop in and wish you ladies a peaceful 2011. Life is not what we planned, but we are all here coping in our own ways and I just want to thank you for your support when I popped by here last year and you were all so optomistic and supportive, when I say optomistic, I may mean realistic, but I couldn't see a future then through my grief haze. I'm still suffering, but my 17month old is getting cheekier by the day and life is becoming easier in some respects. I'm sorry that you both - Sarymclary and Stormybay - have had issues with children, I'm sure it's tough and you question what your OH would have done, I'm sure I have all this to come! I ask my DH what decisions to make over the daftest things, never mind anything tough! Thanks for your honest and informative posts, good to know I'm not alone when I feel the world is against me.

I have had counselling, still can't get over what has happened and my DH isn't here to enjoy our DS's life. I am still bitter and find friends this yr (only 2nd Christmas) have sent joyful Christmas wishes and NY wishes whereas last yr they were sensitive, it's as though they are thinking, well it's been 18months, either that or they have just forgotten too quickly. Grief is hard when you're on the wrong side of it.

Anyway enough of me wittering on! Thanks for all your posts and hope you are having as nice a new year as possible. Night x.

Stormybay

Aw Newbie, hugs to you and your little one, and swwet dreams for tonight, I'm sure our lost loved ones are out there somewhere helping us through to 2011...........................

Thinking of you all, and those we've lost.......

togo

Stormybay wrote: »

Oh Togo,
I do hope you are ok. Muddled is normal, as is all sorts of strange thoughts and emotions, so please don't worry about how you are feeling. I'm so sorry you've lost your husband, it's just awful.
Wills are strange things aren't they, I'm sure you can see a solicitor and make changes to your own if need be. I have a feeling that November is free will making month, and if you search on here, you will find information about that, and which solicitors participate in the scheme.
My OH never made a will at all, and that caused no end of issues really, but tbh, there wasn't much there to worry about.
My Mum made a will, didn't tell anyone, and one turned up via the bank, 4 months after she was cremated. The first words on the will were - I wish my body to be buried!
My Dad had a will, and a small folder with all his affairs all in order. This was a god send at the time, and I have done the same for my children when it's needed.
Oh, Togo, please keep posting your thoughts and rants on here, there are so many lovely helpful people, I know it has certainly made my journey a lot easier.
I hope you've contacted cahoot with regards to the cloning, I'm sure they can sort it out
Much hugs
Stormy
xxxxxx

Thank you so much. I have done such a lot of unfamiliar house running and finance sorting and now five months on have lost it!! My 2 brother-in-laws drove up to stay for one night, "to see how I was getting on". One was always the emotional kind, all heart and no self control. In short he must have snuck outside and drunk gallons of alcohol when "slipping out for a cigarette". I had put him in my son's room. I knew he was too fond of alcohol so had not offered him much to drink. In short he woke in the night, lost control of his bowels, rampaged like a total stranger messily through three rooms before the other brother forced him into the shower and a fresh bed. The rest of us scrubbed walls and floors through the night. We were all in shock. He gave a cursory "So sorry", when we got up and then watched TV. When I pointed out the devastated bedding and the fact that the bathroom carpet was in the garden along with my son's bedside lamp, noticeboard and other fouled items, all he said was, "Did I do that?" He tried to swear his brother to secrecy and pretended it hadn't happened but I am afraid I have phoned his wife and she has asked him to send a cheque to cover the carpet and cleaners and replacements... I'm still waiting for it. As soon as I was on my own again I came out of my shell shock and scrubbed and painted and tore up still smelly carpets until my fingers bled. Then I was just exhausted. I got a kind of panic attack at every turn and nearly killed myself according to my Dr who has changed my high blood pressure medication. Apparently six months after a death is a sort of "danger period" when you are at your most physically low. If it hadn't been for my animals, that I could hear were getting restless, I would not have taken so many tablets that at least brought my BP down far enough to drive to the Dr for help. I have to blog this here. I found, we all found, that we couldn't talk about the episode to friends because we felt so dirty and defiled. I have to blog it here as a warning to everybody, DON'T LET ALCOHOL GET A GRIP ON YOU. I'm okay but still on tablets to prevent further stress attacks at the moment. The trouble and cost of clearing up will be about £300!!! So I will insist he pays even if he doesn't remember doing it!!!

togo

Newbie2saving wrote: »

Well it's New Years Eve and I just wanted to pop in and wish you ladies a peaceful 2011. Life is not what we planned, but we are all here coping in our own ways and I just want to thank you for your support when I popped by here last year and you were all so optomistic and supportive, when I say optomistic, I may mean realistic, but I couldn't see a future then through my grief haze. I'm still suffering, but my 17month old is getting cheekier by the day and life is becoming easier in some respects. I'm sorry that you both - Sarymclary and Stormybay - have had issues with children, I'm sure it's tough and you question what your OH would have done, I'm sure I have all this to come! I ask my DH what decisions to make over the daftest things, never mind anything tough! Thanks for your honest and informative posts, good to know I'm not alone when I feel the world is against me.

I have had counselling, still can't get over what has happened and my DH isn't here to enjoy our DS's life. I am still bitter and find friends this yr (only 2nd Christmas) have sent joyful Christmas wishes and NY wishes whereas last yr they were sensitive, it's as though they are thinking, well it's been 18months, either that or they have just forgotten too quickly. Grief is hard when you're on the wrong side of it.

Anyway enough of me wittering on! Thanks for all your posts and hope you are having as nice a new year as possible. Night x.

Hope you have happy distractions to carry you into 2011. I have gone through my 2011 diary and marked the times that will be very hard and written "Go Away Somewhere Different As A Distraction". Children are strong and sometimes very sensible and helpful. Take care of yourself and try to counter the negative memories as they try to creep in with positive happy memories and stay strong. God Bless, togo

samantha625

From what I have read, we have been in a similar situation I lost my darling just turned 43 yr old husband in September 2010 through an unexpected heart attack, leaving me just turned 40 a few days before with 2 children 10 and 12. His Mum wanted nothing to do with the funeral she gave me money to pay for it and left me to it, I was to contact her with the date. Afterwards his Mum made her feelings clear as the funeral did not go how she had wanted it to. She made no contact, she tried to contact the kids through their mobiles but they never had them switched on so they never got the messages she would never phone the house, eventually I had to after 5wks, my family stay down south Im in Scotland his sister contacted me at Xmas, they are both now speaking as if nothing has happened although I am still deeply hurt by what they did and wouldnt trust them as far as I could throw them, the mother in law only started coming in through the front door about a month ago, the sister last week. To be honest I feel if it wasnt for the kids there would be no contact from his side of the family. Even now I although I have accepted he is not coming home I still expect him to come walking through the door as if nothing has happened. Will things get any easier Xmas was !!!!! used to spend it with his family, had it with mine but it wasnt the same dreading next year. Will it get any easier? the kids seem to have got on with school, glowing reports carrying on as if things are what my eldest said was normal, its just me that has to drag myself out of bed in the morning to send them to school, go to work just went back part-time, renovating the house as there is a possibility of redundancies very soon, so want to do as much as i can whilst I have got the extra money coming in. Work keeps me going it gets me out of the house for a while each day looks like another rotten year coming up!!!!!!!!!!!