Stormybay's Thread a bit of comfort in a hard world

AnW'sMum

Hi Everyone

Hope you all managed to get through Christmas with some smiles as well as the tears along the way.

We took some flowers for Ian on Christmas morning, it all looked lovely and the cemetery was very busy with people visiting loved ones. I had a major wobble just after we arrived at Mum and Dad's and just felt for a few minutes that it is harder than ever rather than easier. But it did pass and we all had a good day. I was thinking that this is the third Christmas without Ian, it is William's 6th Christmas and his first was spent in hospital. It was hard knowing that already William has had more 'proper' Christmases without Daddy than with him.

sarymclary wrote: »

Stormy, you mentioned John's headstone looking good, but we have still yet to get one for my DH. In fact my sons aren't keen to get one, because they like the fact that only they know where their dad is buried. I am respecting their wishes, but hope it doesn't make it look like he's being 'neglected'. If they change their minds I'll order one.

I haven;t organised a headstone yet either, partly because there are so many choices to make that it is mind boggling. Partly because I need to find space mentally to sit and think exactly what we want, but I am hoping to sort it this year and have a loose deadline of Ian's 3rd anniversary in mind.

Wonderful news about another baby on the way Stormy life does go on and the best bit is that baby's always bring a smile (even if tinged with sadness) to everyone's face.

Love and hugs to you all for the New Year. xxx

Different_Corner

Just wanted to check in, see how we are all faring as the doom and gloom of January cones to an end.
I personally am quite happy not to see the news or read a newspaper ever again until all this crash and burn economic stuff is over. The reality of it all is harsh, but I don't have to be blasted with it all the time.

I'm feeling a little more confident about the way ahead, as a well looked after woman for the past 20 years I was truly scared at the amount of 'stuff' I now had to deal with. Never stood on my own two feet really, I'm growing into it.

I'm still in self protect mode, but have been having some very good days recently, laughter is a great therapy isn't it. The sadness is still there, I know it always will be, a feeling of being robbed.

Someone has a great sig quote on here 'let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.' I guess I'm just coming to terms with that thought.

Hope you are all ok.

Stormybay

Hi Everyone,
Well, here we are again, another year arriving, and we've managed the dreaded Christmas. Like you AnWsMum, this was the third Christmas without John, although the first was only 3 days after he died, but I can hardly believe that it is 3!!
Rosie and I have been to book our holiday to Florida, a sort of present from her Dad, and we are excited about it, although things are tight at the moment, I had saved for the holiday, so I don't need to worry about that, and if there is any redundancy scares on the horizon for me, I've decided that I'm not going to worry about it, because, I've survived worse, as we all have.
I've been decorating in the past few weeks, I've done Rosie's room and the spare bedroom, and yesterday I started on the lounge, I've ordered a carpet and suite (cheap!!!), but it's going to look lovely. Then last night, after finally sorting all Rosie's stuff into the bedroom, I had a wobble, cos I thought that if John came back (???!!!) he wouldn't recognise the place, especially as he was a joiner, and he did everything here. We had everything fitted, because there was 7 of us, me and John bringing up 5 children in a small terraced house, everything was custom built to fit. Now there is only 3 of us left, me, Rosie and DS1, it was best to pull out all the fitted stuff and get some normal furniture. I was sad pulling down a custom made castle which the boys slept in, but at 18 and 22, I guess they are a little too old to be looking through turrets etc, so I guess John will understand.
I've moved jobs again, I'm still doing the same thing but in a different area, but it's nice to have a different perspective. Time is moving on, and I guess I really am used to this life now, I've even had a date or two...........Gosh, that's a whole other story, so different from being married with children to suddenly panicing on what to wear, what to say, the guilt etc, etc. But it's ok, I just feel very different now.
Right, I'd better go and undercoat the skirting boards in the lounge and go from there, Rosie is swimming with friends and wont be back till 8pm, so a good hour to get stuff done.
Love and hugs to all
Stormy
xxxxx

nursemolly

hi everyone,
just thought i would pop and say hello. i can`t its almost 2 years since i lost my pete. i found everyone on here so supportive especially as a lot of you were going through a similar thing.
so pleased to read that the pieces do eventually get picked up and that time is definitely a brilliant healer. but the memories are still as strong as ever.
i too, like stormybay, have had a few dates. but at times i find i am comparing them to pete. so i am probably not ready for a serious commitment.
the kids are all doing well.
take care and big (((hugs))) to anyone who has lost someone dear to them recently. please read this thread as it will give comfort and inspiration to you..
love
molly
xxxxxxxxxxxx

sarymclary

Hello Molly, and everyone:hello:

Well, now a couple of us have mentioned dating! Who would have thought a couple or so years ago, that would have been a topic for this thread?

I think it's doubly hard to start dating again, when the person you want to be with isn't here anymore. If they leave when you're still in love with them, it's unthinkable, in the shorter term, to imagine sharing life with anyone else. There's the added factor of 'what will other people think?', how will members of your family react, or cope with that? As the remaining parent, we feel a need to protect other family members, and we also feel an obligation to keep the status quo continuing, despite being a cruicial member of the partnership adrift!

Then finally it feels like it's time. What's so wrong with wanting someone to hug you, make you feel special, to be there to talk about your day with, etc? There's nothing wrong with it, of course, but finding someone who fits the bill can be tricky. They'll be trying to fill a rather large pair of shoes in most of our cases. Comparing them to your lost loved one is impossible not to do. I found it really tricky, and in the end I had to accept that my husband's love was a very unique kind of love. We shared a different part of my life, and I have memories of it to treasure. To give myself a chance of loving fully again, I had to try to close the chapter on my past life, accepting it as important, but not stifling. It did, at times, threaten to overwhelm new relationships, because I was comparing everthing! My DH was very romantic, made big gestures, wrote love letters, wrote me poems, bought me flowers every month, etc., etc.

My BF now has never bought me flowers, has written the occasional funny rhyme, but isn't one for big demonstrations of love. I found that hard to cope with, for quite a while. What I had to realise was that my BF didn't love me any less because he wasn't overtly romantic, he just loved me in a different way. His way. The positives of being with him are immeasurable. I feel cared for, and loved deeply again, and I am able to be me 100%. What he has also done, is to take on the role of being a step-father to my 4 children, which is an even taller order.

Choosing a new partner in life is tricky, at any time in your life. When the time is right, you'll know.

AnW'sMum

Hi everyone

Hope you are all well and looking forward to the spring. Ian's daffs are about to burst into life any time now which always brings a smile to my face.

I have been thinking about you Shelanne as I know it is just a year since your DH died. You have made it though and I hope things start to get a little easier for you now.

On the whole we have been ok although yesterday was particularly hard as it was 1 year since Ian's inquest. I knew it was coming up but did not expect it to hit me quite so hard. It wasn't really a good sign when I desolved into tears at work merely by changing the date stamp! I stayed until well into the afternoon but then had to escape. I spent a couple of hours with very good friends who just let me have that bit of space to totally relax.

When I got home my face was back to it's usual colour! Alice and William are obvilious to the date so that was a good thing. They are both doing well at school and also enjoy beavers and cubs. Time is far flashing by in the whirl of their social lives!!!

I do think of you all often and hope that you are all well. Stormy when is the baby due, everyone must be getting excited now. Well done too on meeting new people, I'm too much of a scardy cat (and not ready) for all that just yet. Great to hear sary that you have found someone else who is special to you

Big hugs to you all xx

sarymclary

Hello All,

AnW'smum I'm glad you found the space, and friends to spend another challenging day with. You cannot predict for how you're going to deal with things, and how it will affect you. Sometimes you deal with it better than others.

Today was J's birthday. He would have been 42. Next month will mark the 5th anniversary of his death, and I can't begin to see how it can have been that long. The time has gone so fast, and it makes me realise how little the children were when he went.

I decided that rather than buying some flowers I cut all the spring daffs that have sprung into life in our garden this week. There were loads of them - in fact so many that it looks like the spring fairy has visited his grave and had a massive party! I thought it was suitably understated to suit him! No other flowers were there, which means his family still haven't visited. I'm not sure they ever have. I had a bit of a chat with him, told him off for being there, and not here, and for missing out on the boys. Wished him a happy birthday, and left. I didn't feel up to spending too long there, but I felt better for visiting alone this time.

AnW being with someone else is scary, but it also is a means of healing, and I believe my boys have really benefitted from having the guidance of a man, after being alone with me for a while. It takes a special kind of person to deal with someone who's lost their OH, but so long as there's no expectation to step into another person's shoes, it should work out. My best piece of advice would be to tell them if you're having a wobbly time. I don't talk too much about my husband to my BF, because I don't feel he needs to be undermined by it. I share anecdotes and stories, naturally, but I talk about the deeper stuff more with my best friends. It's hard for a new partner to cope with you still loving someone else, it's not like after a relationship split, when you've decided to move on. We were forced into moving on.

I hope the sun shines on you this weekend, and I hope Ian's daffodils are a wonderful display.

Thinking of you all, especially with Mother's Day just a week or so away, which will be a challenge for some.

Love to you all xxxx

Stormybay

Hi there everyone, I'm so happy that people seem to be coping ok, I really don't think we ever heal after loosing someone close, I think we just get used to them not being here in life, just here in memory.
AS the spring comes, I think of John a lot, he loved the spring and we would now be planning something for the summer, day's out etc, and here I am planning my trip to Florida with Rosie. We go 4 weeks today, she is so excited and I'm in a panic, as I've never been before, so I'm trying to do some sort of itinerary.............
I've been hiding away at the weekends lately, and I'm not really sure why, maybe it's been too cold and rainy and I haven't wanted to leave the house, I'm not sure, but I've been hibernating with books. Well, not today, I'm off out to Cheshire Oaks to see if I can find some holiday clothes and a cabin bag for the flight, then I'm going to tea with some friends, so that should be nice.
Rosie is still playing football and has recently taken up karate, and has just passed her yellow belt and had a extra badge for being the best in her group! Is there no end to her talents??? haha.
Jody's baby is due on the 6th july, so that will make 3 grandchildren, I can't believe Ryan is 3 already and Rhys will be one in May.
AnW's Mum, I'm glad you survived another milestone, I think my mind is still confused, as I don'tknow what the date is from one day to the next.
My son has his driving test on Wednesday, so good luch to him with that one, I find it quite strange sometimes, that life just goes on regardless.
I hope all of you are ok on mothers day, I know I will miss my own mum on this day, as well as John sortingout something for Rosie to do for me.
Have a lovely weekend everyone,
Thinking of you always
Stormy
xxxxx

sarymclary

:easter:
I just thought I'd pop my head round the door of this thread to say hello to everyone.

I think Stormy will have flown off to Florida with Rosie today. I hope you have a wonderful time, and think you're very adventurous too.

I am in the middle of moving house at the moment, and have taken the plunge and am moving in with my BF. It makes perfect sense for so many reasons, for me, him and the children, and it is working out very well, thankfully. The only downside to it is that I am having to face all the boxes of memories I avoided in my last house move. This time around I have to sort through things, and it also feels somewhat odd moving J's possessions into my BF's house... I need to really focus on what I need to keep for the children, and what I was hanging onto for myself, or rather my emotional needs. I could keep clinging on to his old clothing for years to come, but for what really? No one else wants them, and keeping them won't bring him back, and shows I'm not properly letting go. I will be strong, sensible and firm with myself, and that way the things I do hang on to this time will really mean something.

My soon to be 16 y/o son asked am I going to do an easter egg hunt this year?! I thought maybe they were getting too old, but apparently not!

I hope you and your's are all well, and that any anniversaries are borne without too much difficulty.

Take care everyone

S xxx

Stormybay

Hi Sary,
Oh how exciting for you, have you moved yet and how is it going?
I've just come back from Florida yesterday and am extrememly jet lagged and have to go to work in a few minutes, so this is a quick pop in!
Orlando was great, me and Rosie had a ball, although there were a couple of wobbly moments when I looked at Rosie and got rather tearful, as I wished that her dad could have seen her having such fun.
Since I last wrote on here, my son did pass his driving test and so did DD2, so that's great, although now I just worry when they are out!
Right, I'd better get to work, the plumber is coming in to see me, as my bl**dy boiler broke down when I was away, nightmare!!
Take care all, thinking of you as always
Stormy
xxxxx