Stormybay's Thread a bit of comfort in a hard world

Different_Corner

Good morning
I'm just checking in to say Hi.
My boys are okay, I think they are just looking forward to having six weeks of just being. No front, just being able to relax. I must admit although I haven't got the entire 6 weeks off I am looking forward to an easing of all the constant school meetings activities etc that seem to be enless during June and July. Feeling a little selfish.

At nearly 2 months I feel like I'm just waiting for something, I don't know what.

DC

Stormybay

Hello DC,
Lovely to hear from you, that you are surviving as are the boys. That is so strange, as that is exactly how I felt for a very lomg time, I was waiting! For what, I don't really know, whether it was for John to come back, or for things to change, or waiting to cry, or for things to get better, I really don't know what. To be honest, after 19 months almost, those feeling are only now, a little less strong.
I felt these feelings when my mother was very ill for a long time, the difference was, that I was waiting for her to die, and when dhe did, the waiting was over, but, as you said, when you loose someone more unexpectedly, the waiting comes afterwards, but no one knows what the wait is for. I used to think it was waiting to get better, but know I know you don't 'get' better, you just learn to live with the situation.
I have 2 weeks off during the summer holidays, and have no idea what on earth I'm going to do with Rosie after that time. But, on the plus side, me and Rosie are off to Turkey on monday, and we are really looking forward to it. I'll worry about childcare after that!!!
Oh DC, I know you are just putting a brave face on, and it must be so hard for you, are you anywhere near the North West, or North Wales, if so, please, if you need to chat, cry, talk, please get in touch, maybe we could meet up over the holidays..........that goes for anyone else too, pm me and lets do it!!!
Take care, lots of hugs to all
Stormy

Different_Corner

Stormy
That post about waiting conveyed it exactly, thank you. And your offer - which I know is genuine - is much appreciated. I'm in the south near the sea, went to the beach last night for Year 6 leavers beach party and got through it. Kids had a great time.

I've just read Wellers thread and really feel for her right now.

DC

cornish_lady

Just managed to catch up with this thread as I have been away...again...

Sorry to hear your news DC. Big hugs to you. As Stormy says we are here for you whenever you want to vent.

The things you say ring so true. The cooking thing (I used to be always cooking and now as you say it's anything for easiness) It's a good job my son is at home or I probably wouldn't bother. In fact yesterday (he was at work) I didn't!! I forgot about breakfast, bought a bag of mis-shape chocs and ate the lot, then forgot lunch. Next time I ate was burger and oven chips at 7pm (done for son)

You said about weight Stormy, I lost a stone when Phil died but have put that on plus another (and I wasn't little to begin with) and it doesn't seem to bear much relation to what I eating.(I don't eat chocs every day-honest)

The waiting thing is so true, I said that to one of my daughters a while ago that it was as if I was waiting for him to come back, even though I knew he wasn't.

There are still people who come up to me in the street and say things like oh Phil was such a larger than life guy, the house must be so quiet, he will be a big miss. I KNOW!!!!! I feel like shouting at them but of couse I dont and I know they only mean to be kind. I don't work, and yes the house is very empty, some weeks (if son is away)the only person I see is the postman and I know it's up to me to get out there and do something but it's not that easy.

The weekend was good the girls and I gathered together (4 daughters who are normally spread around the country) and we did the Race for Life. The sun shone, but still the grass was very wet by the time we had finished!

As for the sorting out of stuff, after 9 months (which seems like days one minute and years the next) I have got as far as putting Phil's stuff away into cupboards, so don't worry DC, it doesn't matter when you do things, there are no rules (I wish there were sometimes)

Love and hugs for all that need them.

Different_Corner

cornish_lady wrote: »

There are still people who come up to me in the street and say things like oh Phil was such a larger than life guy, the house must be so quiet, he will be a big miss. I KNOW!!!!! I feel like shouting at them but of couse I dont and I know they only mean to be kind.

Cornish
Congrats on the Race for Life.
I work with the older generation and I am asked 20 - 30 times a day-'how are you?' 'how are the children?' If I told the truth I'd bring them down so I find myself protecting their feelings. He always made people feel at ease in his company, and I'd hate to make people feel bad.

As for his things, I find comfort in them. I still charge his mobile. I'm using his shampoo (because in true MSE style he bulk bought yellow stickered stuff !) so I can still smell something.

In first few days I had a heavy headed dizzy feeling, immiediatly convinced it was life threatening. A few wise words from my wonderful Mother turned out to be anxiety, panic attacks. It stopped.

Food wise I tend to eat little and often, we were always a dinner round the table family and I don't want to stop that, I won't deny it's hard with the glaring empty space.

DC

sarymclary

Hello All, and a special hello to DC,

Well, father's day is out the way, but now it's the summer holidays! I'm a bit further down the road than some of you ladies on here, so I've become more adept at living my different life, so I have the moments like Stormy mentioned with her 5 mins in the garden, but I also have far more angry moments, especially when I'm faced with financial issues, or when I'm dealing with obstinate, stroppy teenage boys, who could really do with their dad here to remind them of his mantra that he said to them everyday 'be good boys, and remember, Mummy's No.1'. My younger 2 boys are starting to show signs that their brief memories of their daddy are fading too, so they ask questions about him that I thought they knew, like the other day my youngest saw a man giving his child a shoulder carry, and he wanted to know if his daddy had ever done that with him.

Without realising it, you're continue to deal with the fall-out of losing a loved one every day, it's just that the nature of the fall-out changes from paperwork, death certificates, bank account closures, etc., and become more intricate, emotional maybe?

So, my own way of dealing with the loss is to attempt to keep the memory of my boys' father alive for them. I will remark at dinner about something having been their dad's favourite, or most hated food, or if I spot one of them showing one of his mannerisms (my 2nd eldest in particular almost creeps me out with them) I tell them so. I also tell them how their dad would have felt about them when they behave really well, achieve something, or if they are misbehaving. I think they need to have a balanced idea.

My marriage had lots of ups and downs because of DH's problems, so remembering some of the not so nice times still takes me by surprise, and I dont' always know how to deal with the negative feelings.

Anyway, over 4 years have passed now, so my life is moving forward, and I do have another person to share the good times with, who loves me, and has been very understanding about how I have had to cope with it all.

There's hope for us all, we just need to keep breathing in and out, in and out......

Take care all, and HUGS to everyone who's needs a bit of TLC right now,

S xxxxx

Stormybay

Hi DC, Cornish and Sara, (and all),
Well done everyone, we've almost survived 17/07/08, yet another acheivement for everyone.
I'm really tired today, I went out last night on a bit of a work thing (a rare occassion), and had a really good laugh, but drank far too much and have felt rubbish all day. I came to bed really early, realising that I'd stripped the bed this morning and forgot to make it up. So I've done that, had a cuppa, and now feel wide awake.......again!!!!
I am beginning to wonder if I will EVER get back to normal sleep, whatever that is?
I don't know if you guys remember, or have read this time last years' posts? But I took me and 11 kids on holiday to Turkey, including my children, grandson, son in law and 4 of my boys' mates. I didn't want to go, soon after John, as it was a holiday we booked together, and I had to 'name change' his ticket. But with all the family with me, I actually coped well. Anyhow, that time has come for me again, and, on Monday, we're back off to Turkey. Well, I say we, Me and Rosie. How different is that from last year? John's daughter (my step daughter, Rosie's sister), is coming with us too. She's only a few years younger than me, and we get on really well. I am really honoured that she wants to come with me, after all, I'm only her sort of step mum and she could go anywhere with anyone, I am so pleased, I can't tell you. Especially as her and Rosie are the most like John than any of our combined children (of which there are 9!!!). So I am really looking forward to it, as the last holiday John and I went on was with all our 5 and John's other older daughter (the one who's coming with me this time's sister), so it is lovely to spend time with the 'step children', and the fact that they want to spend time with me is quite emotive to me. Gosh, if you all followed that, you need a medal!!
Anyhow, the last day in work tomorrow for 2 weeks and 2 days, and I think I really need this holiday.
So everyone, keep up the good work on here, DC, I know everyone will support you in any way possible, and I know it's quite sad, but I will log on quickly whilst I'm away to see if you are all ok.......Oh and of course, to check my bank balance so I don't over spend on all the 'designer goods' over there.
Take care everyone, and DC, keep up with the little and often eating, and breathing in and out, take one minute at a time, you are doing so, so well.
Hugs
Stormy

AnW'sMum

Hi everyone

Lovely to read all the posts on here. I just don't know where time is running away to, Alice and William break up form school on Wednesday and we are off on hols down to the south coast with our caravan next weekend for 2 weeks and 2 days, so snap (almost!) Stormy It will be our second outing with the caravan since Ian died and whilst the prospect of it is still a little daunting we are all looking forward to going. Mum and Dad are coming down with us for a couple of days to make sure we are all set up with the awning etc. They are going to B&B and then come back home.

I know we are all at different stages on this 'journey' but I think each and everyone of us is doing so well. I have sat here nodding at so many of the comments about eating, people asking after us and sharing memories with the children thinking yep that's me as well. You are right sary about giving a balanced view of those we lost. I too tell Alice and William how pleased/saddened Ian would be with their various behaviours. I also tell them how cheeky Daddy would be as well! I swear I had 3 kids and not 2 lol.

Cornish well done of the race for life. I know exactly where you are coming from on the eating front. Ian and I shared the cooking but there are times when I forget to eat, usually when Alice and William are out or at school. When I do remember I am ravenous and want something NOW! So I end up snacking on toast, yoghurts and of course chocolate

Been busy at work (well as busy as you can get working 2 days!!!). Another manager wanted to poach me from my branch (I was working on relief for the day) as someone is leaving their branch. Told him no way Jose, I have had enough to deal with this last 2 years, I don't want to have upheaval at work as well. Said I would not recommend my shoes to walk in, think it did the trick.

Alice and William are doing well, had great school reports. They both have swimming lessons they enjoy and Alice is in the cubs and went to cub camp last week and had a whale of a time. They have certainly kept me sane in this crazy world all this time.

I don't know if it's just me either but I seem to have a never ending list of tasks that need doing, as soon as one gets done there are another 4 or 5 on the list. Seems like an upward climb at times. I guess it was easier with two of us to get everything done. But I am determined not to stress over it, what gets done great, what doesn't will be there tomorrow. I am trying not to become a social phobic but it is not easy at times. I keep in regular contact with a few very good friends.

Blimey I did not mean to ramble quite so much! I will look in before we go away next week. And if people would like to get together then count me us in

Take care and hugs to each and everyone xx

Different_Corner

So glad it's Sunday. Had a hard week, yesterday was bad. Ended up shouting at the children, getting cross with myself for losing it with them, then total meltdown throw yourself on the bed angry tears because he should be here.


I've read about the angry phase, but hadn't experienced it.

Hearing and smelling the BBQ's, and people just doing stuff last night didn't help.

I have a hundred little things that need doing, but I'm not going to to them today. Going to be easy on all three of us.

I need to get budgeting, I was a very looked after woman, although we both worked, he did all the utility bills council tax, water rates etc, at the moment things are flying out of my bank account left right and centre. Spent a fortune at supermarket yesterday because these ever hungry kids can empty a fridge in hours during the holidays.

I think I may wander over to the OS board. Just to instill some sort of organisation.

DC

sarymclary

Morning DC,

Well, as you might have gathered from some of my recent offerings, I've been going through the angry phase (on and off), and I'd say I'm still in it, although, it's mixed in with loss and sadness, and a little regret too. So many feelings, but the one that shows itself that I don't care too much for is the angry one, but I also know that it's human, and I do have a right to feel that way.

I am there with you girls on the huge list of things to do. I hardly have time to sit my bum down because I'm moving things, fixing things, decorating, mowing, tidying, shopping, sorting, paying, etc.

Like you DC I was very much a 'well looked after' woman. I didn't have to work (I have 4 kids), and although I did try to go back to work once I was alone, it was so hard, my youngest was only 2 and nursery fees crippled me, despite the help I got with them. I got made redundant, and haven't been able to find anything since. I was also very worried that the children might do better if I stayed home to be with them, to support them and just 'be' there. I think it did the trick, and a friend of mine did comment last week that they have done really well, and appear to be well adjusted and not very affected by the loss. The younger two have really kept me going. Their sense of fun, and waking each day with a smile on their faces means everything to me. It's also compensated for the older 2 becoming teenagers (and all that brings)!!

It has taken me a long time to try to readjust my spending, not spend so much at the supermarket, not just buy things on a whim, but to try to justify whether I actually need it, not want it. It's difficult, and the odd £3 tshirt does fall in the trolley in Sainsburys still.

OS board will definitely help, and I bought a breadmaker last year, which has saved me £'s already. I stock up the freezer with offers, and go to Farmfoods for that too. I try to meal plan, but I'm still not an expert. I also try to plan in advance what I need to buy in the supermarket - I do a list but tend to leave it on the kitchen worktop. I go to different supermarkets to see what deals are in each, and try to ensure I know how much items cost, so I can compare, or don't get caught out when prices get hiked up (like when Sainsburys added 30p to a packet of bread flour one week - I get it for 50p from Tesco or Aldi).

It takes a while to get properly organised, get a full list of all your outgoings so that you know what your monthly budget is, and then do your best to stick to it. I got myself into a right pickle before I had to sell my house, and it was definitely me in denial about my finances. I was fortunate that I had some money out of the house sale to pay it off (even if I didn't have a home anymore)!

Keep posting, keep doing the best you can, and give yourself a breather too. Have a nice easy day, enjoy the warm weather, give you and the kids a break, and you can get on with everything another day.

S xxx