Stormybay's Thread a bit of comfort in a hard world

Stormybay

Hello everyone, and Hugs to Cornish Lady, Shelanne and Smokey, as An&w'sMum says, the first year is very very difficult. As it happened, Rosie was away at a football tournament all day on Sunday, and I thought this was an excellent way to spend the day, as John would heve been there if here were here, so to speak!!!
Well, Rosie's team won the tournament, and she only went and scored a hat trick, so all was ok, although bitter sweet.
We actually didn't go to the cemetary on the day, as he'd had lots of visitors, my other children, and his other children, so we have decided to go this weekend instead, just me and Rosie, and spend a few minutes chatting and reflecting. AnW's Mum, how fantastic filling the trophy with kisses. I can just see it now.
Well, I'm up in the loft this week, trying to sort out Johns stamp stuff, so I'm sure that will be quite a difficult time too.
Rosie and I have been delivering Pizzas at the weekend, so we can save up some holiday spends, that's been quite fun, although I am so tired after working all week.....................Ah well, needs must I guess.
Love and hugs to all
Stormy
xxxxxx

sarymclary

Hello All,

Big hugs to all who need it. I've been thinking of you all, and like Stormy, unable to get online much of the time due to the kids taking over the PC. All 4 of them are addicted to various online chats, forums, or games online. I keep trying to point them in the direction of MSE, but will they listen? Anyway, I have overcome the problem by purchasing a new laptop for me (I sold my motorbike to raise some much needed cash) and somehow managing to create a network at home to go wireless! This is quite an achievement for me because my DH was the computer expert, and always sorted everything out for us. Since he died I have effectively killed 3 PC's, and had to claim on the insurance for 1. Not only this, but I've got a Facebook membership, and got a whole bunch of MSE chums on there now too - if you have a chance go to MSE Spikey's thread to find out more.

Now I have just got back into the habit of logging onto MSE each day, and have become quite ensconced in The Arms for a bit of light hearted banter. I've been feeling quite overwhelmed recently with financial stuff, and am trying to figure out how I can logistically get back out to work to improve our financial problems. I am unsure how to do it all, especially as the boys school is 10 miles away with no bus service. Hey, I've been challenged with worse, as we all have, so I know it will all get worked out eventually.

Anyway, I just wanted to check in with everyone to say hi to you all, and to say I'm thinking of Shelanne, Stormy, AnW, Cornish, Smokey, Dusty et all, even if I haven't managed to get on as regularly.

Much love
S xxx

Stormybay

Hello Everyone,
Just thought I'd pop in and give an update on....................well.............me I suppose.
It's been a really strange sort of month since my birthday. My 2 eldest girls had fallen out BIG time, which really upset me, the eldest was so upset, she ignored my birthday!!! My son was away at his girlfriends, and Ben forgot completely. I stayed in an mopped about all evening, just thankful that it was all over. Although Jade and Rosie bought me cards and presents.
Eventually, after worrying about 2 eldest daughters, and panicing incase one came round and then the other turned up, I though, for god's sake what are you doing woman, you are a big girl, stop being dictated by your children!!!
So, when one turned up, when the other was here, I just let her in, and let the confrontation begin. DD1 came in front door, DD2 plus 2 grandchildren went out the back!!!!!!!!!!
After what seemed like an eternity, I got rid of both of them, told them both to leave me alone, and bl**dy well grow up. I told them that I'd spent 35 years being dictated to and trying to please my own mother, and I'm not going to spend the next 35 years doing the same to those 2. DD2 wasn't letting me see the grandsons in case I took them to see DD1.........Nightmare.
Anyhow, it's amazing how things change when you actaully loose your temper and tell people EXACTLY how you feel (DD1 had also said to me - Mum, if you ever meet anyone else, they are never seeing the children (my grandchildren), because Dad can't see them, so why should anyone else!). Well, I just went mad about the whole situation, walked away and didn't contact either of them for days and days. Even though it was breaking my heart, not seeing the daughters or my grandchildren, I did not give in. I didn't answer texts or phone calls, even though they tried to trick me by ringing DS1 and Rosie.
Anyhow, eventually, after a few days, DD1 and DD2 must have decided between them that the only way to contact me, was to talk to each other. (They had not spoken for months). So that is exactly what they did, and now, they are talking to each other and me. It's strange, I've been so soft with everyone since John died, I think it's because I couldn't bear to loose anyone else. But, I decided I wasn't going to be walked all over either, so.........at the moment, that situation seems to have sorted itself out.
Last weekend, I decided to sort out the loft. I had already sorted out all John's stamps and these have been picked up by a dealer friend of his for valuation. I have decided that if I have enough money from these, the first thing I will do is buy the headstone (does any one have any idea how much these cost??) then put some towards a holiday to Florida for just me and Rosie (as a present from her dad), and the rest towards the British Heart Foundation. So, with that sorted, I had to clear out 22 years of other 'junk' from the loft. There is one person in the world who is close enough to me, that can say NO, you have to get rid, NO, throw it away............so, I called up my sis in law (my first husbands sister, we've been friends for 25 years and she's just mad!) So sil turned up holding a bottle of wine and 100 bin bags, 2 o'clock last saturday and up we went. She, thank goodness, was relentless and ruthless, many journeys to the skip, 2 bottles of wine and 10 hours later....................the loft was 8 tenths empty, all rubbish had gone to the skip, and 15 boxes for the boot sale were in my front room......phew. Oh, and I was very drunk too.
.....................................oooops, hold on, DD2 and DGS1&2 are here, I will continue with the stepdaughter 2 and stepson 2 scenario later..............hold that thought.

Quick hug to all xxx

nearlyrich

Nice to hear from you Stormy and glad that you got the family mini feud sorted, these things can fester big time if not nipped in the bud so well done for your courage in getting it all out in the open.

Since we last "spoke" I have lost my mum and my father in law within a matter of days and I am still in a bit of a state, particularly about my mum who I really didn't expect to die at 77.

Gemmzie

Well done for standing up for yourself Stormy and I'm glad you have a friend to help you through the tough bits.

*hugs* for nearlyrich

Stormybay

Oh nearly rich, I'm so so sorry about your Mum and FiL, it doesn't matter how old we are, loosing a parent is still devastating, I'm so sorry. I'm sending you loads of hugs and love. It's nearly my Mum's birthday, and she died 9 years ago, and I still pick up the phone to ring her!!!
I hope you are ok, thinking of you.
And thank you Nearly rich and Gemmzie, so hard to be hard on your kids, I think I suffer more then them when I'm not speaking to them. They're probably thankful for the break!!!!!
Rosie and I have just made a medievil castle for her homework, I'm quite proud of myself!!!
Love to all, thinking of you all
Stormy

Different_Corner

Hi
I've been registered on this site since April 2006 - under a different username. I'd be far too easily identifiable by friends and family if I posted this under that name.

I lost my husband unexpectedly in early May this year, this thread has kept me sane, Stormy's experiences the anger denial and deep sadness. AnW, Smokey Shelanne, Cornish and all those I've forgotten by name but not your words.

I have two children that are my reason for actually getting getting out of bed, otherwise I don't think I'd bother.

People tell me every week how strong I am, strong has nothing to do with it, I don't have a choice.

I've found an international widows forum - Young Widow - which is an outlet for venting and being with those in a similar situation, but this thread has been closer to home and I've always felt at home on this board.

I still have considerable debts and the stress and emotion of this last two months has made me look and feel 10 years older.

I don't mean to bring anyone down or feel sad on this wet Monday morning, just to thank you for your past posts and know I've taken some comfort from your wise and kind words to those who've travelled on this road before.

DC

Stormybay

Hi Different Corner,
It's so awful that you have to join this thread, but also, well done for having the courage to write down in words, what must be so difficult for you.
The pain and confusion must be so raw for you, so please, please use here as your outlet, as you can see, it had been my lifeline.
Many, many people said to me in those early days, just breathe in and out, and occasionally eat! At the time, I thought...........how silly.........but those lovely people were right, I had to remember to breathe in and out, and now, I do it automatically, without thinking.
This morning, only about 20 minutes ago, I stood in my garden (smoking.....I know, I know!!!) and I thought about John for about 5 minutes, I said 'Hi' in my head and smiled at an old memory. It didn't hurt and I didn't feel sick, I think this was the first time that I felt serene and calm when I thought of him. I smiled at the memory and sad when I thold him about our new grandson, but...............it was a nice 5 minutes.
Please, please use this thread to rant, cry , scream, feel sorry for yourself, or feel free to pm me.
I have to go to work now, but I will be thinking of you concentrating on breathing...........IN and OUT
Take care and cry if you want to
Much love and hugs
Stormy

Love to all today
xxx

Different_Corner

Thank you Stormy.

Eating and cooking is a chore. I used to love cooking and feeding my family, now it is something I have to do. We used to chat while preparing the evening meal, you know the offloading thing about your day, the silly things.

The 'children', both boys 11 and 14, are fine young men, I'm very proud of them. We got through Father's Day in some sort of fog, but kept it together.

I am asked 20 to 30 times a day 'how are you?' Well the truth be told I feel lost, empty and deeply sad, my heart is broken. I can't say that to the well wishers, even though they care, I can't bring them down. It's like you are protecting them from the awful truth that this brings.

I'm back at work, and feel 'safe' there, I returned about three weeks after the event as putting it off seemed worse than the actual doing.

I'm still wading through the paperwork, sick of seeing his name as the 'late' Mr ******. I can't move the toothbrush, the razor, the shoes. It's all where he left it.

I've read through sarymclary's posts and they are so helpful, clear and concise. Thank you.

I have a circle of caring friends, asking me to come round for coffee and the like but to be honest I don't want to, I don't feel like being in anyones company. Aside from that all these little jobs that we shared between us from hanging out the washing to walking the dogs exhausts me.

In short I'm holding it together, I have support when I need it. I'll never get over this, just learn to live a different life.

Thanks for listening.

DC

Stormybay

Hello DC,
Well done for making it through another day. I know how you feel about cooking, I hate it now, I just do anything quick, and often just 'forget' to eat. It's a good job Rosie is here, or I wouldn't cook at all. Mind you, I never liked cooking anyhow, with 5 children to bring up, I jut got sick of it, so for the last 12 years, John did it all. I've just chucked some potatoes in a pan, fried some onions and open a tin of beans. I'm going to put the beans in a casserole dish, top it with mash, onions and cheese, and that will be out tea..................it'll probably be ok. I'm putting on weight like nobodies business and no idea why.
I hope your boys are doing ok, it's truly amazing how children cope, mine never cease to amaze me every day.
Sara is an absolute star, she is wonderful with her advice and wisdom, I just tend to plod along and get used to this 'aftermath' of a life.
Keep your chin up and scream if you need to..............we are all here for you
Stormy