Narcisism!

lostinrates

Vicky123 wrote: »

Is someone shouting you down? .

I'm oing to answer this by editing in some quotes.

Eit...actually, I'm not. I was wrong to think to. Having gone back and seen Mse team have done editing then I think it would be wrong to not let this go.

poet123

LIR, obviously I am not privy to the detail or depth of whatever it is that causes you angst. However, I believe that the introspection you display would preclude you from falling prey to the most severe forms of what you fear. You seem very in touch with how your own actions and reactions could be viewed. So, I think that whilst it is right that you are on your guard against going down the same path as those you mention, it is certainly not a given, nor even that likely.

missprice

lostinrates wrote: »

If I decide to get treatment it will be privately. As I do for some of my physical health. Funding is a huge issue for huge swathes of the country, but a lot of us could get help privately by prioritising. A lot of people do already get counselling or other health help privately. Where that's not possible, I think if I had a child I'd be doing everything I could.

I have at times walked away from the diffucult people in my life. One I remain out of contact with. For all the hurt and damage that person caused I have to admit I still miss them a times with a searing pain. The other one I am in touch with. I have very conflicting emotions of tremendous love, desperate regret, deep sadness and frustration, anger, even resentment towards them and situations. The rewriting of history they indulge in in particular I find difficult but I have for d ways to deal with it, helped tremendously by my husband whose even temper is remarkable. I don't want to cut them out of my life. I feel a 'responsibility' to them tha I wish I didn't but I do. And I also see them as human victims ( both of them) not pure evil people put to get me, just that I was there IYSWIM.

What I do know is that I on't want those traits to further develop in me. If there is a two in three chance they have or will then what the dickens does one do?

Lots of people at the best of times have no way of funding private care , especially now with a recession etc. But fair enough if you mean for a child then you find the money or fight for care

Here I blush and say I thought you were male
The re writing if history I wonder about as previously I have had odd conversations with my kids and we all 3 remember a different version of the same event. Its not so much a re write as a completely different story that puts the NPD in a brave/wonderful/glamorous light.

Not sure how old you are but if you haven't got the hang of how to be N by now for fun then your probably safe from developing it.

lostinrates

poet123 wrote: »

LIR, obviously I am not privy to the detail or depth of whatever it is that causes you angst. However, I believe that the introspection you display would preclude you from falling prey to the most severe forms of what you fear. You seem very in touch with how your own actions and reactions could be viewed. So, I think that whilst it is right that you are on your guard against going down the same path as those you mention, it is certainly not a given, nor even that likely.

thanks poet.

I like to think I am quite self aware. But I also suspect most narcissists would say the same! :rotfl: I have worked and recreation end in areas where frank appraisal of one's strengths and weaknesses was pretty essential for any significant success or sanity. But who knows whether one remains sane after all.

I certainly don't think I view people as tools as in some of the stuff I have been reading but I do have to work hard at empathy. I find I have to get there often by relating an experience of my own, which I know a lot of people HATE, but its how I think through my emotions and try and relive them to empathise with what that person feels NOW IYSWIM. There is sometimes no immediate yep, felt it can empathise, I often have to work at it. Where as I am known for being naturally empathetic with animals in my past work :rotfl:

Some one I know, an older person, worked in a very old 'insane asylum' and one of the inmates there used to say 'I'm not mad, its these others'. On hearing that it had the message to me the person who told it meant it to I think. I am always aware that its probably me who is the oddball, and its just that it looks normal from where I stand. I'd rather look for the faults in me first as a way to cope, because its me who I can most effect change in. (I hope).

nyway, what you said was kind, thank you.

lostinrates

missprice wrote: »

Lots of people at the best of times have no way of funding private care , especially now with a recession etc. But fair enough if you mean for a child then you find the money or fight for care

Here I blush and say I thought you were male
The re writing if history I wonder about as previously I have had odd conversations with my kids and we all 3 remember a different version of the same event. Its not so much a re write as a completely different story that puts the NPD in a brave/wonderful/glamorous light.

Not sure how old you are but if you haven't got the hang of how to be N by now for fun then your probably safe from developing it.

I could be male and have a husband. . Some of my good friends are.

But I am not.

Thanks, like poet for the vote of confidence, but the fact is, neither of you know me in real life. You are not even sure what sex or age I am! I could be brutalising poor DH for all anyone knows, :rotfl:.. This is sort of what I mean about my concerns really. Is this not exactly the sort of validation one one narcistic would seek as validation? (I should probably follow that up with we have both met several Mse people now and I think peoe would vouch for the fact he's not brutalised, )

poet123

You see LIR, I think that unless you can construct and keep up an online persona ( and I accept there are those who can) then your character does come through in your posts. I find your posts empathatic in the extreme on many and varied subjects. I also find them thought provoking and insightful. All of which leads me to believe that you are as you portray...and that your fears re NPD or traits thereof, are understandable (given the snippets of your background you have shared) but groundless.

Now, go and let your poor DH out of his shackles in the attic!!!

missprice

lostinrates wrote: »

I could be male and have a husband. . Some of my good friends are.

But I am not.

Thanks, like poet for the vote of confidence, but the fact is, neither of you know me in real life. You are not even sure what sex or age I am! I could be brutalising poor DH for all anyone knows, :rotfl:.. This is sort of what I mean about my concerns really. Is this not exactly the sort of validation one one narcistic would seek as validation? (I should probably follow that up with we have both met several Mse people now and I think peoe would vouch for the fact he's not brutalised, )

Just how blinkered am I never even thought you could be gay. Oops
Half the point of the last few pages of threads is that we are on the net and we cannot be sure whether to label or not label, and if your hubby is brutalised or you were a narcissist what could we on this forum do anyway.

lostinrates

missprice wrote: »

Just how blinkered am I never even thought you could be gay. Oops
Half the point of the last few pages of threads is that we are on the net and we cannot be sure whether to label or not label, and if your hubby is brutalised or you were a narcissist what could we on this forum do anyway.

I think the best thing really is to do as you say, to not be sure. . As you see, we never really know ...not blinkered...just never a whole story...in and media, but this one is maybe especially hard to get sometimes?

So accept everyone here could be dealing with narcissists while concurrently bearing in mind they could be mistaken, or also potentially be a problem or most likely part of one themselves. I think whatever the background looking forward on life is vital. Past whatever it is, what one does next is always more important than what someone did to one yesterday. The today is the day that makes the difference between those two maybe?

I think the mixed reading about what help there is is not helpful. In the midst of this discussion is someone who has a real life now problem where a child is involved. What should she do?

I don't know, I was replying to keep her subject up so that those of you with more definite opinion might respond, .....I think that would be helpful.

lostinrates

poet123 wrote: »

You see LIR, I think that unless you can construct and keep up an online persona ( and I accept there are those who can) then your character does come through in your posts. I find your posts empathatic in the extreme on many and varied subjects. I also find them thought provoking and insightful. All of which leads me to believe that you are as you portray...and that your fears re NPD or traits thereof, are understandable (given the snippets of your background you have shared) but groundless.

Now, go and let your poor DH out of his shackles in the attic!!![:rotfl: that would make a change.

:rotfl:

Again poet, thank you. I'm very touched. I've certainly gabbed a lot here over the years. :rotfl:


Re empathy and counselling, when I first became I'll a few friends said 'you should be a counsellor ' or 'life coach' DH and I both had to lay on the ground laughing at first. We both know that I appear a lot more patient than I am. I think I'd be able to bite my tongue for about two sessions before wanting to shake or shout most people into sorting themselves out into moving forward.

lostinrates

determined_new_ms wrote: »

Sorry only read the first page as had to post. A narcissist is a personality disorder - Narcissistic Personality Disorder and there are currently 12. I believe my dd has a borderline personality disorder. But she will not get treatment and nobody will listen to me.

It is really hard work, she dominates my thoughts. Everything is hard work. No matter what I do it is never enough. She wasn't well 2 weeks ago so I brought her and my 4 month old dgd home so I could look after them both. For 2 days I had the baby completely, looking after her whn I got home from work, getting up in the night and first thing in the morning until I needed to get ready for work. On the 3rd night when she was feeling better (not completely but better) I said she needed to wake up in the night with the baby as I was tired and needed rest. This sparked the anger. Anything can spark the anger and I walk on egg shells but often she pushes me too far, I become resentful because I do so much for her and think about her continually but it's never enough & never appreciated.

Yesterday I took her and dgd swimming with a friend of mine and her baby. After swimming I took them to lunch but we walked into the town (4 mins walk) and it was raining. This was the first problem, she didn't want to walk and wanted me to drive. We got to a cafe. Wrong decision. I "knew this was somewhere she would hate" and she refused to order anything, even though there were loads of things available I knew she would like. She made the atmosphere increasingly uncomfortable until I said I would no longer give her a lift home and gave her the bus fare, which she threw at me. I told my friend I was only to leave, said goodbye to her and left. As I was walking off she started following me and screaming my name. I ran off. When I went to my car she was there and I gave her a lift home. She is very low and was crying, she has spent all her money has no food in the flat. I dropped her off and went home. I then received numerous very unpleasant messages from her. Very hurtful things are said to me. I sent my partner round with some food for her as I can't see her not eat, but even that got thrown back in my face, it wasn't enough, good enough, just shows how I don't care about her etc

today I had originally said she could come over for lunch today but now I cannot face it and need a break from the mind field being around her can be. I love her more than anything but am just exhausted with always thinking about her, navigating her moods, worrying about my granddaughter and her. It's exhausting and there's no answer and no end

Sorry very negative post

determined_new_ms wrote: »

Thank you for your comment. Actually has made me feel quite emotional. In the main yes, but sometimes no. Sometimes she is very hard/cold to her when her mood is low. I have witnessed her shouting at her a couple of times. Every time afterwards she is full of remorse but she is a slave to her emotions. Yesterday her behaviour in the cafe was really unacceptable and there is a real possibility my friend will call SS and tell them what happened. Maybe they will take someone else seriously.

I have tried speaking to her social worker but when they meet with her she tells them everything is fine and they believe it. I have suggested several times I think she has a bpd but they think I am the one who is unwell and I should get my MH assessed (have actually said that to my dd). My dd went to the gp on Friday to tell them about being depressed and not coping. I am thinking of making an appt with the gp to tell them about my concerns, her history, what makes me believe what I do. Maybe they will refer her to the mental health team and she can start to get some help.

I believe if she can get the right help she will be ok.

determined_new_ms wrote: »

Thanks lostinrates

Yes she is very dependent on me. One of the many reasons why I believe she has bpd, she wants to be a child, takes no responsibility for her own actions and consequences. Today I am to blame for her not having any food (although she does, staples that I gave her yesterday. Not a banquet by any means but enough for several meals) because I don't want her to come to lunch today as I need a break from it all. Conveniently she has forgotten the £40 she wasted on Friday.

She is about to turn 20 and no there is no partner. She has been very troubled since going through puberty at 11. Things were extremely difficult (even extremely is an understatement) when she was a teenager and we went through hell for years, continuous and unrelenting behaviour for years which included drinking, reckless behaviour, refusing to go to school, domestic violence, & so much more. I was always told it was rebellious teenage behaviour and it would improve. It was only in the last year when you put it all together it has built a pattern of something more when it still continues. A lot of the stuff (earlier on) you could put down to teenage rebellion but when all put together it spells a different story. Particularly as some of it is still there and when you can see the damage this behaviour is having on her life - the uncontrollable emotions, the destructive behaviour and seeing her so remorseful for why she does these things but can't stop herself.

And then she has this other side which is lovely and funny, vivacious and cute

Just bumping for those so might miss this.