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Advice on my GF

Hi All,

I am looking for some advise on my GF's situation. In the past she has taken out debts etc and not paid anything back so her credit rating is shot.

I have lent her some money in the region of £600 and one of my family members has lent her over £1000 and am not seeing any of it being repaid. She has been out of work for approx 6 weeks recently, and yesterday was the 3rd pay day (paid weekly) since getting another job. Nothing has been repaid since she started working again, yet she is happy to go out and spend money on getting drunk and having a good time.

I have tried both tacks, taking her cards off her and giving her a weekly allowance, and letting her manage this herself but neither is working. I am at my wits end as this is causing so many arguements between us. She went out last night even though the break pads on her car are going and so has no money to pay for that so will no doubt come to me begging for more money.

I don't know if I am being unrealistic in expecting this to be paid back - I don't think I am. I have worked hard to get myself in the position I am in now with money where I can actually budget for a whole month and this is bringing me back to square one. Even this week, the day before I got paid she asked me for money, so I gave her the last of the money I had so she could play in her weekly sports team. I then found out on Friday, that she had borrowed more money of her Mom and then withdrawn another £80 after 12 o clock when she had been paid.

Reading this I know I am being a complete idiot I just can't stand the guilt trip I get. I had saved £700 for us to move out and have had to lend it to her so we are back to square one. Her parents have lent her money in the past which is always paid straight back - yet paying me and my family back doesn't seem to matter and we are always last on the list. This is causing me issues with my family now as they want the money back

I just don't know what to do :( If anyone has been in a similar situation or can offer any advice, please share x
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Comments

  • MyLastFiver
    MyLastFiver Posts: 853 Forumite
    I think you know the answer to your question. Does this woman sound like the type of person who is going to make you happy in the long term?
    My Debt Free Diary I owe:
    July 16 £19700 Nov 16 £18002
    Aug 16 £19519 Dec 16 £17708
    Sep 16 £18780 Jan 17 £17082
    Oct 16 £17873
  • elsiepac
    elsiepac Posts: 2,631 Ambassador
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Hiya biscuits

    I'm sorry to hear of this awkward situation. I've been in similar situation myself with an ex-boyfriend, a lot of my debt was run up because of him never having money and never budgeting, so always expecting me to pay for things and putting the guilt trip on. He once sold his Audi at Carcraft and got a Jag on finance that he couldn't afford but got talked into. When we got back home he said I'd have to lend him the money for tax as he had no money. I did so and said that this time he really would have to pay me back as it was all of my food money for the month. When his payday came around I duly asked it back and he refused and put a massive guilt trip on (he was a tad abusive as well especially with drink which didn't help as it made it even more offputting to ask for money back as he could snap or worse wait until a few days later when he was drunk and then bring it up and go completely mental - my neighbours called the police on him more than a couple of times!) saying that he wouldn't have any money left and where was he supposed to get it from and I'd only have to give him money throughout the month anyway as he wouldn't have any left, how could I take it from him etc etc... I came out of the relationship owing thousands due to him and instances like that unfortunately, and I'd hate to see you in a similar position.

    Sorry for the ramble, was trying to say, I know how you feel. It's hideous seeing your money being p***ed up the wall basically!

    How are things in your relationship apart from the money? I mean, are you in a position where you can sit down with her and have a proper talk about it all and how it's making you feel... and even worse not just you but your family. To me that's the worse part of your situation, it's incredibly embarassing if nothing else. Ideally you need to sit down with her and have a proper chat and say look, now you've been back in work for a couple of weeks, I know you've been enjoying yourself as it's nice to have money in your pocket again, BUT I really need you to start paying my money back.

    she'll probably resent you for it a bit, but in a way it's kind of a good test of how strong your relationship is in general. Harsh but true. If you give her a figure, like 10% of her income should go straight into your bank each week, then you can take charge of paying back yourself and your relative out of this money, how would that sound? If you give her a figure and make her do a proper budget, and also make sure to include in it a fund to start putting money away for her brakes so she at least has some of it when they go (offer to hold the money for her so she can't spend it).

    Finally the most important thing is not to lend OR GIVE her any more money. She needs to learn the hard way because at the moment she knows that you're going to bail her out so of course she's going out and spending her money on fun, when she knows you'll pay for her living costs! Do sit down and TELL HER you won't give her any more money though - in the same chat about paying you back, because otherwise she'll resent you for not telling her and possibly blame you for her not having any money as she wasn't expecting to be "cut off" as such.

    Sorry for the ma-hoo-sive post!

    Good luck in sorting it all out and let us know how you get on.

    Remember, these are your key points:
    1. MAKE her do a proper SOA
    2. ASK her to pay you back - possibly 10% or so of weekly income
    3. EXPLAIN to her you won't be lending her any more money and the embarassment it has caused/is causing with your relative.

    LC x
    I’m a Forum Ambassador and I support the Forum Team on the Old Style, Crafting and Techie Stuff boards.If you need any help on these boards, do let me know. Please note that Ambassadors are not moderators. Any posts you spot in breach of the Forum Rules should be reported via the report button, or by emailing forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com.All views are my own and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.
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  • NeverAgain_2
    NeverAgain_2 Posts: 1,796 Forumite
    This young lady sounds at best to be immature and financially irresponsible.

    While your relationship is bound to impact on your thinking, at least don't allow her to drag you back into financial difficulties.

    At worst, she is simply playing you along while you have money to give her.

    Easy for an outsider to say 'dump her', but if you lurve this girl, that won't be easy.

    At some point she will have to learn to live within her means.

    Whether you want to be the one to teach her that lesson is up to you.
  • tallyhoh
    tallyhoh Posts: 2,307 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts
    best of luck mate, I got a partner like that & he hasnt paid a loan back in 45 years. DONT loan her any more money & tell your family not to.

    Forget getting your money back, its highly unlikely.

    Get a new girlfriend.
    Tallyhoh! Stopped Smoking October 2000. Saved £29382.50 so far!
  • I'm sorry you're in this situation but you really need to be able to sit down & discuss this as adults, what's the point in having a relationship where you can't have honest discussions???? I think its lucky you haven't got the money to move out. you need to sort the foundations of your relationship before you start thinking of committing seriously & financially
    DF as at 30/12/16
    Wombling 2025: £65.43
    NSD Feb 6/18 YTD: 19
    Grocery spend challenge Feb £101.58/£250 £0/£35 Eating out
    GC annual £301.53/£4500
    Extra cash earned 2025: £195
  • Thanks for your responses guys.

    It's a really difficult situation cause I want her to just grow up and be sensible with money. But then she says that I am always on this site and my internet banking and am obsessed with money! It's a vicious circle!

    I don't want a life where I have to think about money all the time, I want to be able to pay for nice things and have my own place. Its just so hard to say no :(

    The worst bit of the whole thing is the money that is owed to my family. Its a regular nagging point to me (which is fair enough) so I am now having to pay this back.
  • MyLastFiver
    MyLastFiver Posts: 853 Forumite
    NeverAgain wrote: »
    Easy for an outsider to say 'dump her', but if you lurve this girl, that won't be easy.

    You can't "lurve" someone you don't trust or respect. You can be "grateful to have found someone to have sex with" (a very British condition) but this is a million miles away from love.

    Most people don't have a problem weeding out of their lives people who lie to them, steal from them or take advantage of them. A new partner borrows money from you and your family, then doesn't pay it back? How much of a warning sign does the OPer need?

    OPer, you probably won't see your money again, and neither will your relative. As per the advice above, tell her you need the money back and ask her to commit to a repayment plan. If she considers this unreasonable, cut your losses and D U M P her, or she'll keep coming back for more. You can do better.
    My Debt Free Diary I owe:
    July 16 £19700 Nov 16 £18002
    Aug 16 £19519 Dec 16 £17708
    Sep 16 £18780 Jan 17 £17082
    Oct 16 £17873
  • Thanks for the honest replies.
    I have sat down with her and discussed it before, it doesn't seem to make any difference but always worth another go I suppose
  • kefalos10
    kefalos10 Posts: 44 Forumite
    Say no a couple of times and you'll find out if she's with you for yourself or your money. Hope you work things out
  • Trajal
    Trajal Posts: 550 Forumite
    Debt-free and Proud!
    My experiences of this are basically similiar to others.

    That money has gone, never loan money to her again and make sure you pay your family back, given that the only reason they lent it to her was because of the relationship that you and she have.

    If you choose to gift her money, that's something entirely different, but given her prediliction for nonpayment of bills, loans will not work.

    If you wish to continue in the relationship, knowing that she will cost you money, that is very much your decision and if you can cope with it then fine.

    Before I got married, I paid for 18 months of living with my then girlfriend (now my wife) understanding that a) she couldn't work and b) all money given to her was a pure gift, not a loan. It was fine for me, I understood the situation. If things had been different though, I wouldn't be fine with it and nor should you.

    Consider your options before things get out of hand and you're nursing either a broken heart or a broken credit record. (Or most likely both!)
    Debt free, moved, got new stuff for the new flat - got everything I wanted and need - now just saving.
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