Advice on my GF

boredofbeingathome

OberonSH wrote: »

It sounds like you're having a real tough time. It's so hard for an outsider to offer advice, as only you really know the ins and outs of the relationship, but it sounds like she hasn't got a clue. But yes, put the brakes on the lending. And make sure she knows this - no more bail outs until the balance has been paid. If she walks and you don't see the money at least it won't get any worse. And next time she nags you about being obsessed with money, tell her that your attention to your bank account is the reason you can afford to bail her out all the time; imagine what she'd do if you didn't have your financial head screwed on!

Taking her cards etc isn't really helping - it's relieving her of the responsibility. Is there any way of splitting the finances without putting your home at risk? Unfortunately until someone has the Lightbulb moment when they realise they can't keep on this way, as yet scientists haven't found the cure for spenditis.

I really hope you sort things ut, at least you know you can hold your head up and say you tryied
x

OMG i spotted an Oberon post- how are you missus?

*zippy*

Is she quite young biscuits? What happened when you took her cards off her? How does her family feel about giving her money all the time, do you know?

People can change and learn from their mistakes, hey a lot of us here have done that or are trying to The problem is it doesn't sound like she wants to change at the moment, if you have tried talking to her and helping her then I can't think what you can do other than refuse to lend her any more money and let her get on with it as it will all catch up with her eventually. Meanwhile don't link yourself to her financially in any way or pay for meals, nights out etc, let her pay her half, it might help turn a lightbulb on when she can't afford to do things.

Good luck to you whatever you decide regarding the relationship, you sound like a nice guy who should be appreciated more than you are.

skintandscared_2

Hate to say it, but you and your family are enabling her.

She does it once ... her bad
She does it twice .... YOUR bad!

STOP letter her do this! Agree a weekly/monthly repayment to you and your family and let her party with what's left.

(Wish I'd met someone like you when I was single!!!! You'd have saved me a lot of repayments.....)

cte1111

biscuits123 wrote: »

CH27 i want our lives to continue together and for us to make a real go of things. we have been together for 2.5 years and get on really well except for the money thing.

I just want her to stop wasting money and get things sorted so we can sort our lives out. its really hurtful tht she doesnt care about the stress this is putting me under and the effect this is having on my relationship with the family member. do people ever change???

The problem is that 'the money thing' isn't just about money, it's about trust, respect and consideration for you - her partner.

It's very hard when you think that your relationship is great apart from money - I've been there. You feel like breaking up with someone about money would be really awful and make you seem shallow and more interested in cash than relationships. However this really isn't the case.

My ex endlessly 'borrowed' money from me, his Mum and anyone else he could. This led to lies, as you have found, e.g. I will pay you / them back. Also abuse, e.g. You are just tight etc.

So it's not just about money. Your partner is lying to you, abusing your trust and being incredibly selfish.

Will she change? Only if she wants to. At the minute it doesn't look like she want to. Given that you and she have such differing attitudes, is there really a long term future in this relationship?

psychopathbabble

The thing is, do you want to move in with someone that won't pay their way? You will end up paying for all the bills, her bills, joint bills and end up resenting her for not having any money of your own as you are paying her way all the time.

People do change, but sometimes it takes a big shock to face up to things. I'm very lucky in that my boyfriend pays for us to do things together, but he can see I'm trying to pay off my debt and I generally don't go out very often so I'm clearly not taking the p**s out of him.

You say you get on well together except the money thing, but it is a very big thing to disagree about especially when you want to move in together. I would carry on saving money, but don't rush into the moving thing and start saying no to her. Tell her you can't afford it as you are saving for your deposit to move out.

debtmonster

If she hasn't got any respect for you, then at least have some respect for yourself - ditch the b1tch !!!

rdchick

I feel for you biscuits, it's very easy to say run away when you're with someone but only you can make that sort of decision.

Personally I would go with what someone else said and call her bluff, say you want a break from it all, you have had enough of bailing her out and it's about time she faced up to her financial situation. Also, bit strange to get money from your OH parents, personally I could never accept that, especially not as a loan, too weird for me but anyway!! If she wants you for you then she'll come back and agree to pay back what she owes because otherwise she loses you, if she doesn't you'll save yourself a few quid and know that she is a golddigger as they say.

Like I said, only you can choose and I don't envy you on that decision. Good luck xx

MoneySaverForever

I really feel for you OP and I'm sorry to hear of your situation

You sound so mature and decent compared to your girlfriend, she seems very immature and childish and I think you would probably be better off without her, find someone with the same sort of goals as you have and a woman that will appreciate you and not try to take advantage. I know it's probably something a lot of people say but there are plenty more "fish in the sea" and you don't HAVE to stay with this woman if you don't want to. Sometimes, as I've learned myself, you just have to cut your losses and move on. I don't believe she will ever pay you back the money you've given her, best to just forget it and take what you've learned here and know not to make the same mistake twice. I read over your messages and she sounds horrible, think you can do much better.

Hope you're OK now xxx

sp1987

You like her, but not how she deals with money.

How she deals with money is her. Unless she changes for herself she is as she is now.

You need to decide if you want to live with that or you want to be on your own.

Knowing your choice will allow you to either realise that her view of money and the losses to you are tiny in the scheme of how great your relationship is (if it is?) or that you really cannot tolerate it and you want someone who can understand money properly because it is something that interests you.

Two people good with money will get on and so will two people awful with money. It is if you get people at either end of the spectrum that the problems can arise, unless the good with money one handles the money and the bad with money one is entirely happy with that set up!

The_Rizler

This isn't a good combination and it will eat at you until you get to the point where you'll say enough's enough. She isn't in the same place as you regarding the relationship, she may never have the realisation that you've got to live within your means otherwise the consequences are plain stressful.
OP this is tough, but if you don't want to be paying the debt for your girlfriend for years in the future, it's time to have your lightbulb moment regarding her. At the moment the debt amount is small and you can pay your family back, but if you leave it - it WILL go to thousands and could potentially impact your credit rating.
Don't do it, if someone loves you they want the best for you. It's you that's posted on here not her, you love her but sadly, I fear, she does not feel the same way about you, otherwise she'd be getting our advice about how to pay you back.

Riz