Advice on my GF

January20

biscuits123 wrote: »

CH27 i want our lives to continue together and for us to make a real go of things. we have been together for 2.5 years and get on really well except for the money thing.

I just want her to stop wasting money and get things sorted so we can sort our lives out. its really hurtful tht she doesnt care about the stress this is putting me under and the effect this is having on my relationship with the family member. do people ever change???

I think you need to think carefully about this because I have read many threads here where people have got in big trouble financially because their partner was rubbish with money. I've read many threads too where one partner is hiding a debt problem.

From personal experience, I can tell you that attitude to money is a deal breaker. I really understand the stress you are experiencing because I found myself in this situation of having married someone who really didn't have any financial sense at all. Remember that when you live together, her money problems will become your money problems too because they will be affecting the two of you ie if she doesn't have the money to pay her half of the rents and bills, or if she ends up with bailiffs at the door. You may not be liable for bills in her name but they will still have an impact on you. And you'll probably end up just being a cash machine.

CH27

biscuits123 wrote: »

CH27 i want our lives to continue together and for us to make a real go of things. we have been together for 2.5 years and get on really well except for the money thing.

I just want her to stop wasting money and get things sorted so we can sort our lives out. its really hurtful tht she doesnt care about the stress this is putting me under and the effect this is having on my relationship with the family member. do people ever change???

I don't think she will.
Money issues can break a relationship & my advice is to think long & hard before financially associating yourself with your GF.

NeverAgain_2

Money, usually too little of it, must be one of the most common causes of tension in a relationship.

Like it or not, money is very important to most of us, so it's something you really do need to see eye to eye on with your partner.

The pair of you don't, so call her bluff and finish it.

She may never come back again, but you might be pleasantly surprised by the reaction.

And if she doesn't come back, you will know you've made the right decision for the long term.

Anglea

Hi biscuit,

Could she have an addiction to drink? You mentioned that instead of paying you back after her recent wages she spent it on drink and socialising.

As an outsider reading the story it sounds as though you believe she is 'the one' and won't break up with her. In that case you have to accept that she is likely never to return the money.

If at a future date she asks you for money and you refuse, it's possible she could try and get money from friends, even loan sharks who could then be pounding at your door to get it back.

Could you deal with that?

[Deleted User]

She doesn't care about you or your family...so don't kid yourself just because you are afraid of being alone.

Trajal

I think that people should limit their advice to discussing the trustworthyness or not about the debt and measures to avoid further indebtedness by his partner rather than making a judgement on that partner without having a clue about the context...

I can only imagine what would happen if she came and read this stuff, but I bet it would make things worse. Strongly recommend people remember that they are talking about, and passing judgement on someone's actual real life relationship without knowing the other side of the story.

NeverAgain_2

Trajal wrote: »

I think that people should limit their advice to discussing the trustworthyness or not about the debt and measures to avoid further indebtedness by his partner rather than making a judgement on that partner without having a clue about the context...

I can only imagine what would happen if she came and read this stuff, but I bet it would make things worse. Strongly recommend people remember that they are talking about, and passing judgement on someone's actual real life relationship without knowing the other side of the story.

I don't think we need 'limits'.

I do think we should credit the OP with enough common sense to weigh-up the replies.

SimIsOnTheUp

biscuits123 wrote: »

Hi All,

I am looking for some advise on my GF's situation. In the past she has taken out debts etc and not paid anything back so her credit rating is shot.

I have lent her some money in the region of £600 and one of my family members has lent her over £1000 and am not seeing any of it being repaid. She has been out of work for approx 6 weeks recently, and yesterday was the 3rd pay day (paid weekly) since getting another job. Nothing has been repaid since she started working again, yet she is happy to go out and spend money on getting drunk and having a good time.

I have tried both tacks, taking her cards off her and giving her a weekly allowance, and letting her manage this herself but neither is working. I am at my wits end as this is causing so many arguements between us. She went out last night even though the break pads on her car are going and so has no money to pay for that so will no doubt come to me begging for more money.

I don't know if I am being unrealistic in expecting this to be paid back - I don't think I am. I have worked hard to get myself in the position I am in now with money where I can actually budget for a whole month and this is bringing me back to square one. Even this week, the day before I got paid she asked me for money, so I gave her the last of the money I had so she could play in her weekly sports team. I then found out on Friday, that she had borrowed more money of her Mom and then withdrawn another £80 after 12 o clock when she had been paid.

Reading this I know I am being a complete idiot I just can't stand the guilt trip I get. I had saved £700 for us to move out and have had to lend it to her so we are back to square one. Her parents have lent her money in the past which is always paid straight back - yet paying me and my family back doesn't seem to matter and we are always last on the list. This is causing me issues with my family now as they want the money back

I just don't know what to do If anyone has been in a similar situation or can offer any advice, please share x

Hiya,

Sorry to read about the grief that your Girlfriend has, and is putting you through.

1 / Look after yourself.

2 / If you're not happy with the relationship, then walk away.

3 / You're enabling her behaviour, by keeping things as they are.

4 / She can't love you or respect you, if she's behaving in this way.

Sorry to be blunt.

I'm speaking as a recovering drunk, who has taken the p*ss with other people too many times.

Good Luck with sorting this out, and make sure you look after Number 1.

Sim :cool:

OberonSH

It sounds like you're having a real tough time. It's so hard for an outsider to offer advice, as only you really know the ins and outs of the relationship, but it sounds like she hasn't got a clue. But yes, put the brakes on the lending. And make sure she knows this - no more bail outs until the balance has been paid. If she walks and you don't see the money at least it won't get any worse. And next time she nags you about being obsessed with money, tell her that your attention to your bank account is the reason you can afford to bail her out all the time; imagine what she'd do if you didn't have your financial head screwed on!

Taking her cards etc isn't really helping - it's relieving her of the responsibility. Is there any way of splitting the finances without putting your home at risk? Unfortunately until someone has the Lightbulb moment when they realise they can't keep on this way, as yet scientists haven't found the cure for spenditis.

I really hope you sort things ut, at least you know you can hold your head up and say you tryied
x

Tixy

If you want to stay with this girl then set boundaries.
Stop lending her anymore money. Not for anything. Not for brake pads that have gone or petrol to get to work the day before payday. Not so you can go on a night out together or so she can go to her sports game. Be absolutely resolute that she is not getting any more money from you or your family for any reason. Anytime she asks you for money for anything just say no, and perhaps mention the outstanding family loan (I wouldn't mention that you are paying it back yourself to your relative). Try not to make it sound like nagging or arguing about money all the time.

I would say stop discussing money with her and certainly don't try taking control of her cards and issuing her with weekly spending money.

I would try to take your relationship back a level - to a point where you just go out or stay in together and have fun but don't discuss money or living together etc. I'd also make sure she pays her way on dates out etc.

If she gets the message and stops asking you for money and then starts trying to pay you or your family member back then maybe you can decide she is grown up enough to consider a longer term future again. If she doesn't and makes no effort to pay the debts back then maybe you'll decide its time to move on.

(I don't think she'll change but you won't know for certain unless you give her an incentive to change and whilst ever you bail her out she doesn't need to even try.)