How to deal with 13 yo daughter ....

meritaten

3v3 wrote: »

Your children go to school on a Sunday?

?????????????????

property.advert

If you have the stomach, you can simply have this lad frightened off. I don't mean a telling off where he will let everyone know and it will get back to your daughter but a real frightener where he truly will forever remember to cross the road should he see your daughter again.

I don't really believe this lad is any good. You don't get chucked out of school and have such an attitude if you have been brought up property so clearly he has not been. Those sort of kids are just trouble, the sort who turn to crime and drugs and though some will escape, I wouldn't let my daughter get dragged down by him.

If you don't frighten him off, you need to get her to drop him. How you coax her into doing that I do not know. I might bring him round and get her to see how poorly he copes with a decent family situation. Talk about the future, how he aspires to be just what ? a burglar ? drug dealer ? DSS scrounger ?

As for the sex thing, you need to cover that as you have been putting it off hoping that it would never come.

star-X_2

Shy-but-needs-help, be very very careful, thats the attitude i took, but at the moment we are going through hell. The only good thing is that shes told me that her friend has had an abortion and that shes the only person that could go to her mum in that same situation. You have to have discipline, too late here, ive completely lost control and its heartbreaking. Ive tried rewarding, punishing, praising, money, everything, she still steals, lies, truants, smokes cannabis. We have locks everywhere. Ive been told shes not even going to make college because her attitude and lack of work, shes clever enough, but has gone the complete wrong way. Ive read the comments on here and i think that now a talk and a complete rewrite of "expectations etc" is due. Somehow somewhere i have to try and trust her again, ands as someone said on here, i need to trust that somehow somewhere the foundations i built are still there, we can hope, thats all, i certainly cant trust...yet! x

star-X_2

and property.advert, that was so judgemental its not fair atall for anyone

3v3

property.advert wrote: »

If you have the stomach, you can simply have this lad frightened off. I don't mean a telling off where he will let everyone know and it will get back to your daughter but a real frightener where he truly will forever remember to cross the road should he see your daughter again.

I don't really believe this lad is any good. You don't get chucked out of school and have such an attitude if you have been brought up property so clearly he has not been. Those sort of kids are just trouble, the sort who turn to crime and drugs and though some will escape, I wouldn't let my daughter get dragged down by him.

If you don't frighten him off, you need to get her to drop him. How you coax her into doing that I do not know. I might bring him round and get her to see how poorly he copes with a decent family situation. Talk about the future, how he aspires to be just what ? a burglar ? drug dealer ? DSS scrounger ?

As for the sex thing, you need to cover that as you have been putting it off hoping that it would never come.

Really!!????? This lad is Yr 10!!! He is also a "child" and if he hasn't been brought up "properly", that is not his fault! Nor does it mean he is beyond redemption :mad: Yes, with attitudes such as your own, he may indeed simply turn to drugs/crime - no wonder! Who cares???? If no one cares, then what is his alternative?

Gosh you make me feel soooooo cross with your flippant, throw away attitude towards a 14-15yo! :mad: Who knows *why* he is the way he is? Clearly it isn't because he is from a loving, devote, socially "functional" background - or maybe it's because he is? We don't know!!!!!

Just for the record: the decisions you make at 14-15yo DO NOT DEFINE you for the rest of your life! (Not if you have someone who actually *cares*).

Get off your high horse and stop judging people by a 3rd party account of one sentence! Even murderers get a longer hearing than that before they are condemned!

Unbelievable!

gravitytolls

meritaten wrote: »

Yes, but the game needs to have very FAIR rules cos teens smell hypocrisy or unfairness miles away! and to teens...grown ups make up their own rules dont they? does dad ground mum for being late back? does mum ground dad for anything? teens do notice things like that! when it becomes one rule for parents and another for kids and the 'kids' start to complain -its time to realise the kids are growing up and the rules need to be reviewed! As adults we transgress the rules but usually rationalise they dont apply! we did 35 miles an hour this morning in a 30 zone cos we were late taking the kids to school! teens notice these things and will USE THEM AGAINST YOU!

Mum doesn't ground dad, cos mum isn't responsible for dad's welfare, he is expected to know how to behave responsibly, teens are still learning the ropes. Your analogy is daft.

Histrionics? I have met my children with tears streaming, it may not have stopped them transgressing again, but they knew it was for real, it sank in, and they remind their younger siblings of the anxiety parents suffer now.

Of course we all err, nothing wrong with admitting that, the point remains that we take responsibility for our actions ~ you're caught speeding, you cop the points and a fine, you come home late, you're grounded. Them's the rules, if you're prepared to risk it, you better be prepared to pay the price. teens notice this as well.

DVardysShadow

3v3 wrote: »

I wholeheartedly agree with your sentiment
I disagree with how you've delivered it
The OP asked for advice; she didn't asked to be patronised
Your advice is sound; your manner, less so.

Which would you prefer? That I get the manner right or the sentiment? In the main, I am happier to have got the sentiment across than to be perceived as having the right manner!

Poppy9 wrote: »

I understand what you are saying but don't be too harsh in your judgement on the OP. It's a learning curve for all parents raising teenagers. Sometimes we get it wrong.

Her DD needs to know their are consequences to her actions and she must understand why her parents want to keep her safe, which includes knowing where she is and with who and what time she is expected home. Flagrant disregard for this common courtesy should result in the withdrawl of something.

My DD is 16 and I'm quite laid back re home time, drinking etc. to some of her friends parents but I always know where she is, who she is with and she knows there will be consequences if she goes "too far". I would consider coming home an hour late without any call/text "too far". I wouldn't ground for 2 weeks though, only a week and she would know why I was unhappy.

I would have grounded DD last winter for a week but it was half term and I couldn't stand the thought of her moping around the house all week under my feet so she had a 7pm curfew. She accepted it as she knew she had let us and herself down and was quite open about her "punishment" to friends who also said "fair enough". I know many parents would have thought I was too soft but we were all comfortable with it and more importantly talked about what had gone wrong!

Yeah, I don't feel too harsh to the OP. Looks to me that you are on track to have an adult to adult relationship with your daughter.

puddy wrote: »

harsh but true, ...
the terminology may sound crass but OP needs to woo her daughter better than the boyfriend will

peardrops wrote: »

I beg your pardon - who on earth do you think you are talking to? I'm happy to listen to other people's points of view, that why I asked for people's opinions on here but I do not expect to be spoken to in that way....

I am addressing this to you! I am not your child!!!! So take being spoken to like that as equals being straight with each other. I don't want to just give you the correct message but leave it so bland that you forget it! You are only weeks - or even days - away from punishment being effective any longer. Punishment is only ever a shortcut. You need to get her thinking for her own wellbeing.

squashy

property.advert wrote: »

If you have the stomach, you can simply have this lad frightened off. I don't mean a telling off where he will let everyone know and it will get back to your daughter but a real frightener where he truly will forever remember to cross the road should he see your daughter again.

I don't really believe this lad is any good. You don't get chucked out of school and have such an attitude if you have been brought up property so clearly he has not been. Those sort of kids are just trouble, the sort who turn to crime and drugs and though some will escape, I wouldn't let my daughter get dragged down by him.

If you don't frighten him off, you need to get her to drop him. How you coax her into doing that I do not know. I might bring him round and get her to see how poorly he copes with a decent family situation. Talk about the future, how he aspires to be just what ? a burglar ? drug dealer ? DSS scrounger ?

As for the sex thing, you need to cover that as you have been putting it off hoping that it would never come.

What is this? The Krays?!

meritaten

why are people giving so much advice about sex? as far as I remember they have had two dates in the daytime with other people around! unless they are very much into public performance its unlikely they had have sex! so I think its a bit premature to assume that they are and must be scaring the pants off the OP! also condemning this young lad on what the OP has heard about him - bad reps are not always deserved and to talk about putting the frighteners on him is absolutely reprehensible! he has had a couple of dates with this girl and left alone might drop her (or her him) in a week or two. Just dont force them into a Romeo and Juliet scenario as teens love the drama of it all!

KiKi

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Currently, your logic is this:

• Daughter has transgressed
• Transgressors must be punished
• Therefore I must punish my daughter

But really the logic should be this:

• Daughter is at risk
• Daughter's behaviour must be altered to keep her from harm
• I must use the most appropriate measures to encourage daughter to keep herself safe

Actually, I think both apply.

Daughter is at risk, and appropriate measures should be used to support her.

However, she has also broken a rule - and rules don't only apply to children under the age of 10. If she thinks there are no consequences or boundaries, that also contributes to her risk. She has to have some rules, otherwise chaos reigns! (If a parent posted on here saying that her 13 year old daughter was never punished for constantly staying out late, everyone would be commenting that the parent should exercise discipline and authority.)

OP, I agree you were right to impose consequences your daughter for disobeying you. However, I think two weeks was far too long a punishment for a one hour lateness. I'd confiscate her phone for two days or something like that instead.

At the same time, you have to reinforce the positive and help her protect herself be having those conversations about sex, relationships and safety. But protecting her doesn't mean no consequences for her behaviour, either. Just make sure that the consequences are for her *behaviour* and not because you don't like her boyfriend...they have to be proportionate. Teenagers will usually accept consequences that are fair; they will rebel against those that they feel are unfair.

HTH
KiKi