How to deal with 13 yo daughter ....

Nicki

I don't yet have a 13 year old girl, but was a bit of a wild child myself, and liked older boys at that age. My parents were also big on"grounding" if I was late home and that made me rebel all the more.

I don't know if this helps but despite going out with some bad boys of whom my parents heartily disapproved, I did not lose my virginity until I was 18 and then to the man I married. My parents almost certainly though worried themselves sick for 5 years. They didn't have either the sex or the contraception talk with me ever and it might have set their minds at ease if they had

I'd second what others have said about talking to her adult to young adult, rather than trying to crack down parent to child. I think you probably need to negotiate a new relationship and new boundaries at this point, but if you can keep lines of communication open there is more chance of her adhering to your standards. Key thing though is not to assume the worst of her and to give her the benefit of the doubt if you can. Her boyfriend may be a bad lad but it doesn't sound like you have raised her to be a bad girl.

puddy

meritaten wrote: »

Please dont make the mistake of banning her from seeing this boy! try some reverse psychology and encourage her to bring him for you to meet. she obviously sees something in him - or it could be his bad boy image which she likes. tell her that you like to make your own mind up about people and want to meet him - if she goes to his dads then its fair for you to meet the lad isnt it? be rational, reasonable and be prepared to give him a chance.

also, when seen against her own family sometimes these bad boys just come to look rough and uncouth - not tall dark and attractive!

please be open minded though - he may be a genuinely nice boy underneath - his rep for fighting and swearing may have come about from being bullied early and fighting his way out of it - talk to the lad and make your own mind up!

yes, i think that would be my approach, try and get him round for dinner, try to arrange family times out that would really appeal to her, like bowling, tgi friday meal, skating or something that she almost cant resist to go to, so that you dont lose her engagement and she continues to value time with you, you could (if you have the money i suppose) invite him too, any funny business like swearing, cockiness or whatever as he gets more relaxed with the family, you nip in the bud. hopefully she will get fed up with him as he wont seem 'exotic and wild' and she may even be a bit embarrased if he is rude to you.

she may have a reputation at school simply for going out with him for all you know, other girls may be jealous or something, dont be too concerned about that at the moment, do the ground work with talks about sex, relationship and get her and him involved in the family

Dave101t

just tell her if she gets pregnant she is going to social services.

Poppy9

Did she inform you she was late at the time? i.e. if my DD is going to be late home I expect her to text me to tell me "she's on her way". They all have mobiles so no excuse for not keeping parents upto date.

Does she have reasonable "be home times"?

DD is Y11 and has to be in by 11pm on weekends, 10pm school nights, but she's rarely out school nights due to school work. She is sometimes late but she texts me and tells me who she is walking with. One of her friends, same age, has only just managed to get her mother to agree to 9.30pm as it was always 8.30pm which made her look a bit stupid with her friends.

3v3

peardrops wrote: »

I wondered if anyone who'd gone through the 13 year old girl stage could think back and give me any advice if they went through any similars feelings I'm having please.

My daughter is 13 years old (14 in October) and is getting a bit too worldly wise I think. She's had a couple of very innocent boyfriends and I was OK with this, however she has a new boyfriend and I'm very uncomfortable with him.

He's Year 10 (she's Year 8) and he's what can only be described as a "bad lad"! He's been expelled from school for fighting and swearing at and abusing the teachers. He's very tall and almost manly looking for his age and I'm sure that just kissing and cuddling won't satisfy his "needs" for long.

She's been out on two dates with him in the day time and with other friends around - the second one resulted in her being nearly an hour late home and has been grounded for 2 weeks as a punishment. She was encouraged by him and the others to "stay a bit longer" for which she is now paying the price.

She's just changed her BB picture and it is him and her posing for a photo. I've just enlarged the picture and it is taken with them sitting on a double bed in someone's bedroom. I've asked her where it was taken and she said "his dad's house - we stopped there for a drink". So why in the bedroom I ask .... no answer to that

How on earth do I manage this situation - I don't let her roam the streets or come and go as she pleases, she only really goes out to the town centre on a Saturday with her mates but I feel that this could go disastrously wrong.

Another very upsetting part to this is that her brother has let slip that she's known as a slag in school . I really hope she isn't. We aren't a rough family and I haven't encouraged any "loose" behaviour but I can't be with her 100% of the time. What on earth do I do?

The more *you* rebel against *him* ... the more you encourage the relationship (fickle things, teens )

My first thought though is ... why is he a "bad boy"? Is it so he believes that it makes him "manly"? Is he attention seeking? Lacking in genuine self esteem? Sounds to me like he has insecurity issues perhaps based on his upbringing? Who knows? The point is: you *don't* know .. and the only way you will get to know is to get to know him

You may not like him; but, your daughter (for now) does
The more you make him "forbidden fruit", the more she will want to be with him.

Take him in! Invite him round, make an effort to get to know him (but without 'getting in his face'). And ... trust your daughter! You've brought her up so far, (and we can only bring them up so far) and now you have to trust that the solid base you gave her is enough for her to make certain choices. Although, I do agree that you should have a chat on a more personal level about life choices, consequences and ... prevention! Sex isn't the worst thing that can happen these days; nor is pregnancy - chlamydia is reaching almost epidemic proportions these days (and that's just one end of the STD spectrum!). But, somehow, I doubt it will get that far if you talk to her about contraception and welcome the lad into your home.

Your home, your rules! By that I mean no swearing or disrespectful behaviour Make it a place where they want to be; that way, you have some idea of what is going on You may be uncomfortable with him ... make him comfortable around you

Next month ... may all change

puddy

peardrops wrote: »

I disagree I'm afraid. She was nearly an hour late and should be punished for this. She knows the price of being late and has to pay the price. You don't expect to walk into work an hour late and just expect your employers to accept it - you have to pay the price whether that is having to stay late to make your hours up or to lose an hours pay.

i completely agree with you, you need to keep the rules and boundaries, the only thing i would say is consider whether the punishment really fits the crime, is 2 weeks really reasonable for 1 transgression, or was it your fear about this boy making you kill 2 birds with one stone, if she is grounded she gets punished and away from this boy for longer?

if she starts to interpret your rules and authority as excessive, she wont respect it for much longer, leaving her to start to disengage, that is why i emphasise keep her engaged. you could use it as a way to say to her that now she is nearly 14, you would like her to think about her own sanctions, could you and her sit down and write a list of what types of sanction she thinks are appropriate for typical transgressions (late homework, being late, untidy room, rudeness, poor school work etc)
children will give themselves quite hard rules when asked!!!

Poppy9

Is your son being truthful about her reputation is or is he just being a bit nasty getting her in trouble!! He may be jealous that boys like her, especially if he has no luck with girls.

ali-t

I would be tempted to raise the slag thing with her and you could do it by saying you were in a local shop and the girls infront of you in the queue were talking about a girl in school who is known as a slag and you were horrified to hear it was your daughter. This will get it into her consciousness without dropping her wee brother or anybody else into the issue.

As for the boyfriend, I would second what others are saying. As difficult as it may be for you, you should befriend the boy, get him on side and he will be bad boy no more as there should be a respectful trusting relationship between you all. That sounds all very easy in theory but definitely worth giving a go.

The alternative is to keep her grounded until she is 16, risk being lied to for the rest of her youth, have no trust or relationship with her or possibly have her running away from home to be with her.

Poppy9

I think a bigger punishment to teenagers is no facebook or mobile phone in the evening than being grounded. Grounded they just spend their timing whinging about it on facebook or by text:D

DVardysShadow

peardrops wrote: »

I disagree I'm afraid. She was nearly an hour late and should be punished for this. She knows the price of being late and has to pay the price. You don't expect to walk into work an hour late and just expect your employers to accept it - you have to pay the price whether that is having to stay late to make your hours up or to lose an hours pay.

Well, please yourself. If you are an employee, and you walk in late, then you have to accept the consequences. Your daughter will have to accept the consequences form you too.

I did expect your reaction. It seems that your first response to your daughter not doing what is required is to punish. Well, that might work if she is 8 years old and if it does not entirely work out, then at that age, you can get by.

But wake up, lady, there is more at stake in this case than the kind of problem you might get with an 8 year old - and you have a young lady who is outgrowing your capability to get your way by punishing her.

Now she is 13 and with this new bf, as you are fully aware there is a whole lot more at stake. And it sounds like this lad and your daughter's new mates are well up in the way of things. So your daughter is going to learn enough to run rings round you dozens of times over if you are going to be pig headed enough to think that you should respond to transgressions with punishment.

Currently, your logic is this:

• Daughter has transgressed
• Transgressors must be punished
• Therefore I must punish my daughter

But really the logic should be this:

• Daughter is at risk
• Daughter's behaviour must be altered to keep her from harm
• I must use the most appropriate measures to encourage daughter to keep herself safe

Punishment is unlikely to cut it for much longer. Punishment is about an external person imposing their will. Face it, your will is going to be rejected real soon now. Your only hope is for your daughter to learn to set her own boundaries and you have to help her. Punishment right now is going to put her in the position where she will refuse to relate to you enough for you to put across the things you need to convey to her.

Punishment will cease to have an effect in a very few weeks from now. You need new strategies urgently.