How to deal with 13 yo daughter ....

DVardysShadow

Nicki wrote: »

I'd second what others have said about talking to her adult to young adult, rather than trying to crack down parent to child. I think you probably need to negotiate a new relationship and new boundaries at this point, but if you can keep lines of communication open there is more chance of her adhering to your standards. Key thing though is not to assume the worst of her and to give her the benefit of the doubt if you can. Her boyfriend may be a bad lad but it doesn't sound like you have raised her to be a bad girl.

You are so right.

3v3

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Well, please yourself. If you are an employee, and you walk in late, then you have to accept the consequences. Your daughter will have to accept the consequences form you too.

I did expect your reaction. It seems that your first response to your daughter not doing what is required is to punish. Well, that might work if she is 8 years old and if it does not entirely work out, then at that age, you can get by.

But wake up, lady, there is more at stake in this case than the kind of problem you might get with an 8 year old - and you have a young lady who is outgrowing your capability to get your way by punishing her.

Now she is 13 and with this new bf, as you are fully aware there is a whole lot more at stake. And it sounds like this lad and your daughter's new mates are well up in the way of things. So your daughter is going to learn enough to run rings round you dozens of times over if you are going to be pig headed enough to think that you should respond to transgressions with punishment.

Currently, your logic is this:

• Daughter has transgressed
• Transgressors must be punished
• Therefore I must punish my daughter

But really the logic should be this:

• Daughter is at risk
• Daughter's behaviour must be altered to keep her from harm
• I must use the most appropriate measures to encourage daughter to keep herself safe

Punishment is unlikely to cut it for much longer. Punishment is about an external person imposing their will. Face it, your will is going to be rejected real soon now. Your only hope is for your daughter to learn to set her own boundaries and you have to help her. Punishment right now is going to put her in the position where she will refuse to relate to you enough for you to put across the things you need to convey to her.

Punishment will cease to have an effect in a very few weeks from now. You need new strategies urgently.

I wholeheartedly agree with your sentiment
I disagree with how you've delivered it
The OP asked for advice; she didn't asked to be patronised
Your advice is sound; your manner, less so.

Poppy9

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Well, please yourself. If you are an employee, and you walk in late, then you have to accept the consequences. Your daughter will have to accept the consequences form you too.

I did expect your reaction. It seems that your first response to your daughter not doing what is required is to punish. Well, that might work if she is 8 years old and if it does not entirely work out, then at that age, you can get by.

But wake up, lady, there is more at stake in this case than the kind of problem you might get with an 8 year old - and you have a young lady who is outgrowing your capability to get your way by punishing her.

Now she is 13 and with this new bf, as you are fully aware there is a whole lot more at stake. And it sounds like this lad and your daughter's new mates are well up in the way of things. So your daughter is going to learn enough to run rings round you dozens of times over if you are going to be pig headed enough to think that you should respond to transgressions with punishment.

Currently, your logic is this:

• Daughter has transgressed
• Transgressors must be punished
• Therefore I must punish my daughter

But really the logic should be this:

• Daughter is at risk
• Daughter's behaviour must be altered to keep her from harm
• I must use the most appropriate measures to encourage daughter to keep herself safe

Punishment is unlikely to cut it for much longer. Punishment is about an external person imposing their will. Face it, your will is going to be rejected real soon now. Your only hope is for your daughter to learn to set her own boundaries and you have to help her. Punishment right now is going to put her in the position where she will refuse to relate to you enough for you to put across the things you need to convey to her.

Punishment will cease to have an effect in a very few weeks from now. You need new strategies urgently.

I understand what you are saying but don't be too harsh in your judgement on the OP. It's a learning curve for all parents raising teenagers. Sometimes we get it wrong.

Her DD needs to know their are consequences to her actions and she must understand why her parents want to keep her safe, which includes knowing where she is and with who and what time she is expected home. Flagrant disregard for this common courtesy should result in the withdrawl of something.

My DD is 16 and I'm quite laid back re home time, drinking etc. to some of her friends parents but I always know where she is, who she is with and she knows there will be consequences if she goes "too far". I would consider coming home an hour late without any call/text "too far". I wouldn't ground for 2 weeks though, only a week and she would know why I was unhappy.

I would have grounded DD last winter for a week but it was half term and I couldn't stand the thought of her moping around the house all week under my feet so she had a 7pm curfew. She accepted it as she knew she had let us and herself down and was quite open about her "punishment" to friends who also said "fair enough". I know many parents would have thought I was too soft but we were all comfortable with it and more importantly talked about what had gone wrong!

puddy

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Well, please yourself. If you are an employee, and you walk in late, then you have to accept the consequences. Your daughter will have to accept the consequences form you too.

I did expect your reaction. It seems that your first response to your daughter not doing what is required is to punish. Well, that might work if she is 8 years old and if it does not entirely work out, then at that age, you can get by.

But wake up, lady, there is more at stake in this case than the kind of problem you might get with an 8 year old - and you have a young lady who is outgrowing your capability to get your way by punishing her.

Now she is 13 and with this new bf, as you are fully aware there is a whole lot more at stake. And it sounds like this lad and your daughter's new mates are well up in the way of things. So your daughter is going to learn enough to run rings round you dozens of times over if you are going to be pig headed enough to think that you should respond to transgressions with punishment.

Currently, your logic is this:

• Daughter has transgressed
• Transgressors must be punished
• Therefore I must punish my daughter

But really the logic should be this:

• Daughter is at risk
• Daughter's behaviour must be altered to keep her from harm
• I must use the most appropriate measures to encourage daughter to keep herself safe

Punishment is unlikely to cut it for much longer. Punishment is about an external person imposing their will. Face it, your will is going to be rejected real soon now. Your only hope is for your daughter to learn to set her own boundaries and you have to help her. Punishment right now is going to put her in the position where she will refuse to relate to you enough for you to put across the things you need to convey to her.

Punishment will cease to have an effect in a very few weeks from now. You need new strategies urgently.

harsh but true, but OP needs to bear in mind to keep to the middle ground, at the end of the day OP is the adult and the child lives in her household, there will be rules and expectations

so as i say, engage her, use rewards (much more effective) and get her to design her own sanctions

the terminology may sound crass but OP needs to woo her daughter better than the boyfriend will

peardrops_2

DVardysShadow wrote: »

But wake up, lady,

I beg your pardon - who on earth do you think you are talking to? I'm happy to listen to other people's points of view, that why I asked for people's opinions on here but I do not expect to be spoken to in that way....

Poppy9

ali-t wrote: »

I would be tempted to raise the slag thing with her and you could do it by saying you were in a local shop and the girls infront of you in the queue were talking about a girl in school who is known as a slag and you were horrified to hear it was your daughter.

See this really annoys me that parents still accept the double standards.

Boys who get around girls are proud of their "manslag" status, girls are tarred by these very boys!

I wouldn't ever say to my DD that she was a slag or had that reputation. She is all too aware from the school playground who is and isn't classed a slag and why.

I talk to her about not feeling under pressure, having respect for herself and how she feels about herself.

Just because a girl gives into her hormonal driven physical desires that she is not sure how to deal with at a young age does not make her a slag.

meritaten

peardrops - you make the analogy that if she went into work an hour late - she would pay the price which is fair enough. but if I had been an hour late for work - either I would be docked an hour or would have to work on an hour. grounding for a fortnight wouldnt be an option!
your daughter is becoming a woman - and is thinking about her own boundaries - if you impose rules she feels are unreasonable she will rebel - and her friends will certainly encourage her to! that is what peer groups do!
but, whats done is done and its time to review procedures! as others have said you could say that you overheard a conversation about this girl and was shocked to realise they were talking about her. dont be judgmental, be sympathetic and ask how this could come about!
try talking to her as if she were an adult - I get the feeling from what you post you still see her as a child (which she is - but she is now feeling more like an adult and I can tell you from experience that being treated as a child will result in rebellion big time!).
If you are clever now, then you may well get through her teen years relatively unscathed!
I had done the teen rebellion thing - and my teens never did - all three of them! we had teen escapades of course we did - sometimes I wanted to marmelise them! was even called to the police station once or twice on really minor matters. But, the kids knew that I wouldnt judge them, I listened to them and we NEGOTIATED rules! We had rows but, the kids always knew that I was prepared to compromise and be reasonable. to be too strict is as bad as being too lenient - the key is finding the balance that everyone is, if not happy with, then prepared to settle for!
by the time they were sixteen the only rule left was 'THOU MUST LET MUM KNOW IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE LATE!'
it was about Trust - and they repaid me by being considerate, by growing up and being responsible people with families of their own.

gravitytolls

Poppy9 wrote: »

If she has a "reputation" it will probably be based on how she is with boys in school, not out of school. Some girls just get into boys at a younger age than others but unfortunately being young are afraid to say no. Some are just flirts.

You need to have a very open and frank conversation with her. She might not like her reputation but doesn't know what to do about. You have to tell her that how far she goes is her choice and the risks etc. but that she should not feel pressure.

Re being in his bedroom. This seems the norm now but it doesn't have to mean anything, they get upto worse in the park!!

They are much more casual about sexual activity now, not a good thing IMO but that is how it is.

You just have to talk freely with both your son and daughter about the issues teenagers face.

It isn't her choice, she's 13, she lives under your roof, you do not condone sexual activity, end of story. by all means remind her that unplanned pregnancy is a common side effect of sexual intercourse, as are sexually transmitted diseases, of which there are plenty to choose from. She should know that the only way to prevent any of the above is to abstain or use condoms to ensure minimal risk.

However, it is important that you set out the ground rules. I know there are many that will tell you you can't stop 'em doing whatever they want, so make sure they do it safely. IMO, if you tell 'em where to get their contraception, or even supply it, you are basically giving them the green light, you are telling them that's what you expect from them, it merely reinforces the assumption perpetrated by the media, sex ed etc. that all teens are promiscuous.

Good advice about having him round, get to know him, let him get to know you, be nice to him, ensure they both follow the rules in your home, no alone time upstairs, home at pre agreed times or not going etc. You smell alcohol, she seems stoned, big bother, and so on.

puddy

Poppy9 wrote: »

See this really annoys me that parents still accept the double standards.

Boys who get around girls are proud of their "manslag" status, girls are tarred by these very boys!

I wouldn't ever say to my DD that she was a slag or had that reputation. She is all too aware from the school playground who is and isn't classed a slag and why.

I talk to her about not feeling under pressure, having respect for herself and how she feels about herself.

Just because a girl gives into her hormonal driven physical desires that she is not sure how to deal with at a young age does not make her a slag.

yes, i wasnt sure about that suggestion, i wonder whether if it was raised it would seem like mum was questioning whether daughter was a 'slag' whereas if i were to raise it at all, it would be in the context of what dreadful girls these were to be talking about someone like that

puddy

gravitytolls wrote: »

It isn't her choice, she's 13, she lives under your roof, you do not condone sexual activity, end of story. by all means remind her that unplanned pregnancy is a common side effect of sexual intercourse, as are sexually transmitted diseases, of which there are plenty to choose from. She should know that the only way to prevent any of the above is to abstain or use condoms to ensure minimal risk.

However, it is important that you set out the ground rules. I know there are many that will tell you you can't stop 'em doing whatever they want, so make sure they do it safely. IMO, if you tell 'em where to get their contraception, or even supply it, you are basically giving them the green light, you are telling them that's what you expect from them, it merely reinforces the assumption perpetrated by the media, sex ed etc. that all teens are promiscuous.

Good advice about having him round, get to know him, let him get to know you, be nice to him, ensure they both follow the rules in your home, no alone time upstairs, home at pre agreed times or not going etc. You smell alcohol, she seems stoned, big bother, and so on.

and gently advising that sex with a minor is illegal and sex with a 13 year old is statutory rape,, not ideal for the first lighthearted chat about relationships but something to bear in mind that she needs to know when you feel able to say it without seeming like you're about to imprison the boyfriend for something that may not even have taken place