How to deal with 13 yo daughter ....

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peardrops wrote: »

I beg your pardon - who on earth do you think you are talking to? I'm happy to listen to other people's points of view, that why I asked for people's opinions on here but I do not expect to be spoken to in that way....

Totally agree the delivery is not "user-friendly", but please do not let the delivery of the advice blind you to the wisdom that actually lies within it? Because, there are wise words there.

I do hope that you find some value in the points of view that have been offered to you and haven't taken umbridge and turned away from what could be good advice.

Teen years are known as the years our children "grow-up"; personal experience has taught me that the teen years are the years *we* grow-up

I survived (thrice my own; plus two lots of my own offspring ) you will too

Poppy9

gravitytolls wrote: »

It isn't her choice, she's 13, she lives under your roof, you do not condone sexual activity, end of story. .

I'm not condoning sexual activity at all at such a young age, I meant by her choice is that she shouldn't feel under pressure as 13 is too young to be having sex or even serious petting (such a lovely word :rotfl:). I've tried to empower DD to know she had the right to say no and it was okay and that "not eveyone else was doing it" or that it woud make her "popular" if she said yes.

dottygirl

I also think you should encourage this boy into your home and on your family outings. Take him bowling with you. I dont know his background but sadly some children are not set a good example at home. You sound a very caring mum, trust your daughter and have some mum daughter time too. keep smiling x

gravitytolls

Re. being late, she needs to know you're not just cross that she abused the trust you placed in her, but that you go out of your mind with worry, wonder when is it too soon to call the police, should you go out looking for her etc.?

She needs to know that if she expects to be treated as a grown up, she needs to behave responsibly, and that means abiding by the rules. Society has rules for all of us, if we transgress, we cop for it, if we play the game, we reap the rewards.

chewynut

When I was that age (not that long ago, 2003) if I was theoretically going to get up to stuff like that, I'd get up to it regardless of what my parents had to say.

If they didn't like it then I simply wouldn't tell them about it. I'd theoretically lie about what I was going to do and then go and do the dumb stuff anyway. If she wants to do it then she's probably going to do it regardless of what you say to her. I'd advise letting her know the risks in a way that isn't 'nagging'. The more you 'nag' her the less she'll listen. Or that's the way I behaved. Sorry, mum

P.S., grounding is so old school since the invention of the Internet. Turning the Internet off for two weeks would kill any teenager :cool:

meritaten

gravitytolls wrote: »

Re. being late, she needs to know you're not just cross that she abused the trust you placed in her, but that you go out of your mind with worry, wonder when is it too soon to call the police, should you go out looking for her etc.?

Oh boy, my mum played this card! with tears streaming down her face, and cries of 'where did I go wrong?' if I came in at 10.pm not the 9.00pm she had decreed (and I was nearly fifteen and had gone to a disco which didnt start til 8.00 and ended at 1.00 am!) I grew so tired of the histrionics I just stayed out later knowing I would get the same whether I was half hour late or three hours.

She needs to know that if she expects to be treated as a grown up, she needs to behave responsibly, and that means abiding by the rules. Society has rules for all of us, if we transgress, we cop for it, if we play the game, we reap the rewards.

Yes, but the game needs to have very FAIR rules cos teens smell hypocrisy or unfairness miles away! and to teens...grown ups make up their own rules dont they? does dad ground mum for being late back? does mum ground dad for anything? teens do notice things like that! when it becomes one rule for parents and another for kids and the 'kids' start to complain -its time to realise the kids are growing up and the rules need to be reviewed! As adults we transgress the rules but usually rationalise they dont apply! we did 35 miles an hour this morning in a 30 zone cos we were late taking the kids to school! teens notice these things and will USE THEM AGAINST YOU!

emsywoo123

peardrops wrote: »

I beg your pardon - who on earth do you think you are talking to? I'm happy to listen to other people's points of view, that why I asked for people's opinions on here but I do not expect to be spoken to in that way....

Ok, so DVS was a little condescending, but if you speak to your 13yr old in this way, I would expect her to answer back, I was with you all the way til I read this and it REALLY grated on me!! :eek: :eek: :eek:

mummyplus3

Surly if she was an hour late on one night then she would just have to come in an hour earlier the next night or for the rest of the week or something?
I think that is how I will do it with mine when they are older but by the time mine are that age they'll all have microchips or something ridiculas lol!

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meritaten wrote: »

Yes, but the game needs to have very FAIR rules cos teens smell hypocrisy or unfairness miles away! and to teens...grown ups make up their own rules dont they? does dad ground mum for being late back? does mum ground dad for anything? teens do notice things like that! when it becomes one rule for parents and another for kids and the 'kids' start to complain -its time to realise the kids are growing up and the rules need to be reviewed! As adults we transgress the rules but usually rationalise they dont apply! we did 35 miles an hour this morning in a 30 zone cos we were late taking the kids to school! teens notice these things and will USE THEM AGAINST YOU!

Your children go to school on a Sunday?

shy-but-need-help

I have a thirteen year old and we deal with her by constant, open communication where we tell her over and over that she can come to us, she can talk to us and as her parents we are ALWAYS going to help her find the best way through any situation she deals with. We tell her that even if it's something we may not like we will always support her and love her and that no matter how messed up she thinks something is or how out of her depth she feels she can still come to us.

I know that probably sounds like new age hippy, not in the real world but in a liberal parenting book type theory but we do it because we had her when we were messed up teens who felt like they couldn't go to anyone for fear of being told off or talked down to.

We have a very open relationship with her- we tell her outright we appreciate she will have sex when she feels ready and not necessarily when a statute says she can, but we also tell her life was not easy having to adapt to being a parent and playing grown up when all of our friends were still having fun. We also point out to her that she needs to ask herself if she could deal with being forever connected to the person she is having sex with because in reality pregnancy will tie you to that person for life, whether you remain in a relationship with them or not. We also then re-enforce that her self esteem is important and that being able to like the person she is is importance and that she should never give up her self-respect. Hopefully empowering her as a person will prevent her relying on the wrong sort of person to make her feel worthwhile.

My parents were very guarded and had a "we'll hit the roof" mentality over sex before marriage and frankly all it did was make them impossible to go to for advice or support. I'd have much preferred them to be open with me- making things taboo made them seem more exciting. Our DD often jokes there's no point in rebelling as we'd support it anyway.

I would not worry too much about the use of the word slag- it's a very different concept in high school to what it is to an adult, to high schoolers it's the word they bandy about when a girl is more popular with boys than they are or when someone dares to date someone they wanted to or when boys notice someone more than they notice the other girls. It doesn't at all have the same associations with genuine promiscuity that it has in the adult world.