How to deal with 13 yo daughter ....

peardrops_2

I wondered if anyone who'd gone through the 13 year old girl stage could think back and give me any advice if they went through any similars feelings I'm having please.

My daughter is 13 years old (14 in October) and is getting a bit too worldly wise I think. She's had a couple of very innocent boyfriends and I was OK with this, however she has a new boyfriend and I'm very uncomfortable with him.

He's Year 10 (she's Year 8) and he's what can only be described as a "bad lad"! He's been expelled from school for fighting and swearing at and abusing the teachers. He's very tall and almost manly looking for his age and I'm sure that just kissing and cuddling won't satisfy his "needs" for long.

She's been out on two dates with him in the day time and with other friends around - the second one resulted in her being nearly an hour late home and has been grounded for 2 weeks as a punishment. She was encouraged by him and the others to "stay a bit longer" for which she is now paying the price.

She's just changed her BB picture and it is him and her posing for a photo. I've just enlarged the picture and it is taken with them sitting on a double bed in someone's bedroom. I've asked her where it was taken and she said "his dad's house - we stopped there for a drink". So why in the bedroom I ask .... no answer to that

How on earth do I manage this situation - I don't let her roam the streets or come and go as she pleases, she only really goes out to the town centre on a Saturday with her mates but I feel that this could go disastrously wrong.

Another very upsetting part to this is that her brother has let slip that she's known as a slag in school . I really hope she isn't. We aren't a rough family and I haven't encouraged any "loose" behaviour but I can't be with her 100% of the time. What on earth do I do?

londonirish_3

OK she shouldnt be having sex at her age, and hopefully she isnt, but have you spoken to her about contraception? What you just wrote was me 14 years ago!!!!

happy35

i think you need to talk to her very frankly about relationships and sex.

I would think that there is very little truth in what has been said at school, i have heard this about one girl i know and it was said as she had had a few boyfriends and had only kissed them nothing further

peardrops_2

londonirish wrote: »

OK she shouldnt be having sex at her age, and hopefully she isnt, but have you spoken to her about contraception? What you just wrote was me 14 years ago!!!!

I haven't no - we've discussed contraception generally in the past and she's had the discussions in school but we haven't discussed it as an option for her.

She's told me she isn't doing anything and I do believe she hasn't as yet but I can see her being pushed into it by this boyfriend if she stays with him

meritaten

Please dont make the mistake of banning her from seeing this boy! try some reverse psychology and encourage her to bring him for you to meet. she obviously sees something in him - or it could be his bad boy image which she likes. tell her that you like to make your own mind up about people and want to meet him - if she goes to his dads then its fair for you to meet the lad isnt it? be rational, reasonable and be prepared to give him a chance.

also, when seen against her own family sometimes these bad boys just come to look rough and uncouth - not tall dark and attractive!

please be open minded though - he may be a genuinely nice boy underneath - his rep for fighting and swearing may have come about from being bullied early and fighting his way out of it - talk to the lad and make your own mind up!

Jinx

peardrops wrote: »

I haven't no - we've discussed contraception generally in the past and she's had the discussions in school but we haven't discussed it as an option for her.

She's told me she isn't doing anything and I do believe she hasn't as yet but I can see her being pushed into it by this boyfriend if she stays with him

I think you definitely need to reinforce the contraception chat. And you might want to talk about boundaries and not being pushed into anything....Although I would add that while you may think hes a bad influence and may be pushy and lead her into underage sex, you might need to consider that your daughter may want that....

londonirish_3

Make sure she knows where her local clinic is, even if she is too embarrassed to talk to you she could go there with a friend to get advice/contraception. No one wants to think of their 13 yr old on the pill or even having sex, but rather that than an unplanned pregnancy. hth

Poppy9

If she has a "reputation" it will probably be based on how she is with boys in school, not out of school. Some girls just get into boys at a younger age than others but unfortunately being young are afraid to say no. Some are just flirts.

You need to have a very open and frank conversation with her. She might not like her reputation but doesn't know what to do about. You have to tell her that how far she goes is her choice and the risks etc. but that she should not feel pressure.

Re being in his bedroom. This seems the norm now but it doesn't have to mean anything, they get upto worse in the park!!

They are much more casual about sexual activity now, not a good thing IMO but that is how it is.

You just have to talk freely with both your son and daughter about the issues teenagers face.

Molly41

Perhaps you should talk to her about what underlies this label of "slag". Talk to her about how she feels about herself, about sex and the implications of having sex. Not just contraception although I agree its important.

DVardysShadow

peardrops wrote: »

... She's been out on two dates with him in the day time and with other friends around - the second one resulted in her being nearly an hour late home and has been grounded for 2 weeks as a punishment. She was encouraged by him and the others to "stay a bit longer" for which she is now paying the price.

You mention punishment as though it is the automatic response which you do without thinking. Much though she is 'only 14 years old', she is also becoming a young woman with her own ideas about what she shall and shall not do.

Lose the idea about punishment. It is not going to bring about the results you desire for this situation.

peardrops_2

DVardysShadow wrote: »

You mention punishment as though it is the automatic response which you do without thinking. Much though she is 'only 14 years old', she is also becoming a young woman with her own ideas about what she shall and shall not do.

Lose the idea about punishment. It is not going to bring about the results you desire for this situation.

I disagree I'm afraid. She was nearly an hour late and should be punished for this. She knows the price of being late and has to pay the price. You don't expect to walk into work an hour late and just expect your employers to accept it - you have to pay the price whether that is having to stay late to make your hours up or to lose an hours pay.