Hacked off being put on like this.

copier_guy

sorry your right,

bad choice of card.

My dad is dead so was thinking from my point of view

SympathyForTheDevil

*Robin* wrote: »

..This was the line I was thinking along (design your own on Moonpig or a similar site).

But. As you are in touch with this man's son and his gf, OP, what I think I would do is "facilitate" - 'phone the son, and tell him the Oldies have been talking about Fathers Day, and his Dad would really love it if he got a card from his kids..
If the son goes for it and sends a card, fine. If he's still aggrieved by the way his Dad behaved, well it's up to him and his Dad to talk it through.

If your Mum throws a wobbler later, tell her you mentioned the upcoming date to his son, and if no card arrived then obviously her husband needs to work much harder to try and repair the damage he did to his kids. Tbh I agree with you, it's not your responsibility to send him a Fathers Day card.

My own feeling is that these card manufacturers' made-up celebration days are simply a device to increase their profits. When my children were young they made their own cards, when they felt like it (I have a treasured collection of "I love you Mum" and "Happy Tuesday!" etc., cards from this era - tried to teach them that every day was special, ok birthdays were a bit more so ).

I don't have any contact details for his children and I shouldn't have to do anyone else's dirty work for them to be brutally honest.

If it wasn't for me, him and his son wouldn't be on speaking terms at all. I got them in contact with each other, and bowed out.

onlyroz wrote: »

Can't you just phone him on the day and tell him that you appreciate him?

Sure, I'm sure my Dad will hang on for 5 minutes and won't mind at all while I make a phone call to another man to tell him I appreciate him on Father's Day :rotfl:

The guy already knows I like him and appreciate him.

I don't know how many times I have to explain, that this is the one day of the year, for me and my Dad, nobody else.

SympathyForTheDevil

copier_guy wrote: »

sorry your right,

bad choice of card.

My dad is dead so was thinking from my point of view

'Tis OK

Things would maybe be different if my Dad wasn't around, but he is.

sharpee

I think it's unfair of her to ask you.

My parents seperated when I was 23 and have both since remarried. I don't speak to my Dad anymore but still send him a Fathers day card (Yes its a bit hippercritcal as I don't takl to him but at the end of the day he's still my dad).

I send my stepdad a card and pressi to as he is brillient and treats me as his daughter and is always there to help me out when I need help.

At the end of the day it is your choice and noone (even your mum) should force you to do something you don't want.

the_cat

SympathyForTheDevil wrote: »

.
To be really honest, I don't think it would bother him that much.

It will eat away at my Mum though, she will think bad of his kids for not doing anything/getting anything, but I really can't understand why she doesn't see why!

I think she probably feels guilty. She is the reason he has no relationship with his children. SHE is the reason he is not going to get a fathers day card, so warped an idea as it is, she is trying to make things better (for him maybe, or poss just for her) by getting you to 'act' as stand-in for his kids

It's not right and if you aren't comfortable doing it, then you shouldn't send one. End of. The problem is not of your making and even if you were to cave in, it wouldn't even solve it!

Mojisola

SympathyForTheDevil wrote: »

Mum and him have been together for years, yet I don't class him as my stepdad, he's just my Mum's husband.

Would this hack you off as it has me, or am I in the wrong here?

Don't get me wrong, he's a nice bloke, it was his bday a couple of months ago and I bought him a card and present, but I just hate being asked/told to do something, which I think I should only do because I 'want' to.

This is going to really bug me now and I know if I don't give him a card, my Mum will go mad again and I think I'll just tell her exactly where to go.

I don't really think this is about your mother's husband but your relationship between you and your Mum. Rather than put him in the middle of a row between you two, why don't you get him a "Thinking of you" card for Father's Day - this year and every year - and pick a moment when you can talk things through with her without involving an innocent party.

We all have trigger points that can really upset us over things that look minor to other people. The trick is to identify our own ones and try to work on them. This seems to be more a reaction to your Mum telling you what to do than a reaction to sending a card to someone who isn't your Father.

SympathyForTheDevil

the_cat wrote: »

I think she probably feels guilty. She is the reason he has no relationship with his children. SHE is the reason he is not going to get a fathers day card, so warped an idea as it is, she is trying to make things better (for him maybe, or poss just for her) by getting you to 'act' as stand-in for his kids

It's not right and if you aren't comfortable doing it, then you shouldn't send one. End of. The problem is not of your making and even if you were to cave in, it wouldn't even solve it!

Hit. Nail. Head.

Mojisola wrote: »

I don't really think this is about your mother's husband but your relationship between you and your Mum. Rather than put him in the middle of a row between you two, why don't you get him a "Thinking of you" card for Father's Day - this year and every year - and pick a moment when you can talk things through with her without involving an innocent party.

We all have trigger points that can really upset us over things that look minor to other people. The trick is to identify our own ones and try to work on them. This seems to be more a reaction to your Mum telling you what to do than a reaction to sending a card to someone who isn't your Father.

I've already explained this.:cool:

I won't get him a thinking of you card, because I won't be thinking of him.

That's not being petty or nasty, it's because I've got my own Dad and my thoughts will be with him on that day, nobody else!

And it's not a reaction because she is telling me what to do, it's a reaction for asking me yet again when it all exploded last time. And a reaction because she already knows how I feel when it comes to her husband, my Dad, and Father's Day.

FatVonD

I asked my DS if he wanted to send a step father card to my husband one year, he said no initially but then I think he felt a bit left out when DH's own children arrived and he chose to give him one in the end but the situation is VERY different in that DH does a lot of the day-to-day stuff for him and lives with us, I certainly wouldn't expect a step-mum card on Mother's Day from DH's kids and I'd be upset if DS gave one to his step mum on Mother's day but she has her own children. If she had left them with her ex I would hope that I could find the kindness in me to think 'I have so much, she has so little' and let him send one but again the circumstances are very different, I like DS's dad's new partner immensely and she wasn't responsibly for the marriage ending!

In your circumstances I totally agree, he's not your dad, you were of an age when it happened where he wasn't involved in your upbringing and he hurt your own dad so no way should you send him a card. I would however, if he's been a good surrogate grandparent to your kids, get them to send a grandfather one, not for your mum's sake but just to be kind.

the_cat

Personally I wouldn't send a grandfather card, as it is not grandparents day

In this situation I might however consider sending Mum and 'Paul' a joint grandparent card on grandparents day (sept 11th this year - just looked it up;)). Not to keep the peace but if he is a genuinely decent bloke who cares for you and your kids, it might be nice to have an occasion to show your appreciation which is seperate to the whole 'father thing'

Delilah

when i was younger and had no choice i had to send my stepdad a card but now im older i choose not to, he has his own kids and neither of us see him a great deal. They do Step dad cards but its still personal choice, i agree i have my own dad and he will take priority.

I agree i DO NOT send grandparents cards on Mothers or Fathers Day - where is the logic in that? We will be sending Teachers and Pets cards too on those days. If OP feels that she shouldnt have to send one then its her choice. You dont have to explain yourself to other people.