Hacked off being put on like this.

SympathyForTheDevil

diable wrote: »

Your Mum should be hassling his kids and not you.

That's the thing though, his daughter hasn't seen her Dad for years and his son has only recently got back in touch, but my Mum as stuck her oar in a few times. I know Mum and her husband have had a few arguments over the son, because she's told me.

Saying that though, I've always backed his kids (actually when I say kids, they are in their 30's) because I know if one of my parents walked out and didn't bother with me because of the grief they would get from my other parent, I wouldn't want to make that much of an effort with the other parent either.

meritaten wrote: »

I stand by my post - I think its petty of the OP to cause all this upset over a peice of card with a word on it. and as others have pointed out that word need not be dad! Also, no-one has answered my question on whether the kids actually see stepdad as a grandfather figure.
The OP claims to now have a good relationship with her mum (actually she said they were like sisters), so would it hurt to give SOME acknowledgment to the man her mother loves?
The OP must be wondering this at some level - if she was so convinced she was in the right she wouldnt be asking our opinions would she?

What planet are you on?

I'm not causing upset. Father's Day, is for my Dad.

It's not a day for Grandad's is it?

Mum's husband has his own children. If their relationship has gone to pot, then it has nothing to do with me and is no business of mine.

I know for a FACT that he understands when it comes to Father's Day because he knows how close me and my Dad are!

If I ignored him all together (which I don't), or ignored his birthday, (which I don't), or ignored him at Christmas (which I don't and actually they both come for Christmas dinner at my house!) I would understand where you are coming from.

My Mum wants me to get a card for her husband, because she knows his own kids won't. That's what it boils down to. If his own kids bothered, she never would ask me.

I don't think I should be put on a guilt trip by my own Mother, for something that is partly her fault.

And actually I did answer you, but you obviously just read what you want to read. I said my son DOES call him Grandad and gifts and cards from him at bdays and Christmas are to Grandad.

As for 'would it hurt to show the man her Mum loves some acknowledgement', I do! Birthdays, Christmas and whenever I see him!

Blimey, he's going away on a camping trip with MY DAD, my 2 Uncles and my husband in a few weeks for my Dad's birthday, so he knows he is not excluded in any way.

So please, before you berate me anymore, READ what I have been saying.

The problem I have, is my Mum knows when it comes to Father's Day, I have one Dad and that's it. She knows my Dad doesn't get a Grandad card, so she shouldn't expect her husband to receive one!

If she looked in the mirror and understood that she took part in breaking the relationship with her husband and his kids, she wouldn't ask me!

meritaten

SympathyForTheDevil wrote: »

That's the thing though, his daughter hasn't seen her Dad for years and his son has only recently got back in touch, but my Mum as stuck her oar in a few times. I know Mum and her husband have had a few arguments over the son, because she's told me.

Saying that though, I've always backed his kids (actually when I say kids, they are in their 30's) because I know if one of my parents walked out and didn't bother with me because of the grief they would get from my other parent, I wouldn't want to make that much of an effort with the other parent either.



What planet are you on?

I'm not causing upset. Father's Day, is for my Dad.

It's not a day for Grandad's is it?

Mum's husband has his own children. If their relationship has gone to pot, then it has nothing to do with me and is no business of mine.

I know for a FACT that he understands when it comes to Father's Day because he knows how close me and my Dad are!

If I ignored him all together (which I don't), or ignored his birthday, (which I don't), or ignored him at Christmas (which I don't and actually they both come for Christmas dinner at my house!) I would understand where you are coming from.

My Mum wants me to get a card for her husband, because she knows his own kids won't. That's what it boils down to. If his own kids bothered, she never would ask me.

I don't think I should be put on a guilt trip by my own Mother, for something that is partly her fault.

And actually I did answer you, but you obviously just read what you want to read. I said my son DOES call him Grandad and gifts and cards from him at bdays and Christmas are to Grandad.

As for 'would it hurt to show the man her Mum loves some acknowledgement', I do! Birthdays, Christmas and whenever I see him!

Blimey, he's going away on a camping trip with MY DAD, my 2 Uncles and my husband in a few weeks for my Dad's birthday, so he knows he is not excluded in any way.

So please, before you berate me anymore, READ what I have been saying.

The problem I have, is my Mum knows when it comes to Father's Day, I have one Dad and that's it. She knows my Dad doesn't get a Grandad card, so she shouldn't expect her husband to receive one!

If she looked in the mirror and understood that she took part in breaking the relationship with her husband and his kids, she wouldn't ask me!

So its not your stepdad you are annoyed with then. Its your mum for asking you to send a card.
On the surface everything is fine - but it isnt is it? you have all this anger simmering underneath. the upshot is that this nice bloke doesnt get a card even to grandad on fathers day - cos he is NOT your dad. Oh I get exactly where you are coming from Sympathyforthedevil - you are hitting mum where it hurts, you are friendly with her, let your kids see her OH as grandad, but you are letting her know by not sending her OH a card from the kids but instead you let her know obliquely exactly what you think of him (and her) and wonder why she gets upset?
Does the word hypocrite mean anything to you? If you REALLY didnt think of this bloke as anything other than what you say - your kids wouldnt think of him as granddad and you WOULDNT be friends with your mum.

SympathyForTheDevil

meritaten wrote: »

So its not your stepdad you are annoyed with then. Its your mum for asking you to send a card.
On the surface everything is fine - but it isnt is it? you have all this anger simmering underneath. the upshot is that this nice bloke doesnt get a card even to grandad on fathers day - cos he is NOT your dad. Oh I get exactly where you are coming from Sympathyforthedevil - you are hitting mum where it hurts, you are friendly with her, let your kids see her OH as grandad, but you are letting her know by not sending her OH a card from the kids but instead you let her know obliquely exactly what you think of him (and her) and wonder why she gets upset?
Does the word hypocrite mean anything to you? If you REALLY didnt think of this bloke as anything other than what you say - your kids wouldnt think of him as granddad and you WOULDNT be friends with your mum.

Are you my Mum because she's an ignorant fool who won't see past her nose either!

The bloke won't get a card to GRANDAD on FATHER'S DAY, because it's FATHER'S DAY, not GRANDAD'S DAY.

Comprende????????

My own Dad doesn't get a Grandad's card, so why would any one else, but then again I've just proved my point that you don't read anything other than what you want to read because I've already said that on this thread.

I'm angry because it's Father's Day. Time for me and my Dad. I'm an only child. He's my only Dad.

END OF.

He's not my Dad.

I don't do Grandad cards on Father's Day.

Which means, that he doesn't get a card from me or my son.

But I'm the hypocrite?!

Oh crawl back under whatever rock you came from why don't you.

You're talking rubbish.

If you're so concerned, do you want his address so you can send him a card??????????????????????????????



ETA : There isn't KIDS, there is once child (again you don't read). Again, he sees him as Grandad, but it's not GRANDAD'S day, so what exactly is your point?????

skintscotslass

I'm not surprised you're hacked off...your mother is behaving like a seven year old. How old is she?

I have a partner and while he is more of a father to my DD than her biological father, I certainly wouldnt expect DD to buy him a card and neither would he. Your mother has some very strange ideas!

POPPYOSCAR

Personally, I don't see the problem of sending a card with step dad on it if you have a good relationship with him but I understand that everyone is different and you don't want to send a card so to send one would be wrong as you feel that way> You do sound very angry about it which I don't really understand.

Just say no if that's the way you feel.

mountainofdebt

Could it be that as you have a reasonable relationship with your stepdad, whilst he has virtually none with his real children, your mum is trying to ease the guilt / pain / upset that he no doubt feels when he doesn't get a card from them on Father's Day?

copier_guy

Im with the OP.

My mum left us for another man years ago.

whilst my relationship with my mum recovered and is normal now, i am always a little distant from her husband. Mainly because he is a Narcissistic pig. There is a family wedding in a few weeks and he is giving the bride away (she is marrying his son - her father is dead). One day he says he will do it the next he wont, despite being measured for the suit and originally saying yes. Now he says he will but wants to travel in his own car not the wedding cars - hes a total losser

Sorry i digress,

OP - how about a "your like a father to me card" ? - not an ideal solution i know

good luck

*Robin*

copier_guy wrote: »

OP - how about a "your like a father to me card" ? - not an ideal solution i know

..This was the line I was thinking along (design your own on Moonpig or a similar site).

But. As you are in touch with this man's son and his gf, OP, what I think I would do is "facilitate" - 'phone the son, and tell him the Oldies have been talking about Fathers Day, and his Dad would really love it if he got a card from his kids..
If the son goes for it and sends a card, fine. If he's still aggrieved by the way his Dad behaved, well it's up to him and his Dad to talk it through.

If your Mum throws a wobbler later, tell her you mentioned the upcoming date to his son, and if no card arrived then obviously her husband needs to work much harder to try and repair the damage he did to his kids. Tbh I agree with you, it's not your responsibility to send him a Fathers Day card.

My own feeling is that these card manufacturers' made-up celebration days are simply a device to increase their profits. When my children were young they made their own cards, when they felt like it (I have a treasured collection of "I love you Mum" and "Happy Tuesday!" etc., cards from this era - tried to teach them that every day was special, ok birthdays were a bit more so ).

onlyroz

Can't you just phone him on the day and tell him that you appreciate him?

SympathyForTheDevil

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Personally, I don't see the problem of sending a card with step dad on it if you have a good relationship with him but I understand that everyone is different and you don't want to send a card so to send one would be wrong as you feel that way> You do sound very angry about it which I don't really understand.

Just say no if that's the way you feel.

I'm only angry about it, because she's asked me again, knowing all the upset she caused last time she asked.

I'm angry about it too, because she's only asked because she doesn't think he'll receive anything from his own children.

Believe me, if she thought his son would get him a card (maybe he will, who knows?) she wouldn't ask me, so why put it all on ME to put it right??

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Could it be that as you have a reasonable relationship with your stepdad, whilst he has virtually none with his real children, your mum is trying to ease the guilt / pain / upset that he no doubt feels when he doesn't get a card from them on Father's Day?

To be really honest, I don't think it would bother him that much.

It will eat away at my Mum though, she will think bad of his kids for not doing anything/getting anything, but I really can't understand why she doesn't see why!

copier_guy wrote: »

Im with the OP.

My mum left us for another man years ago.

whilst my relationship with my mum recovered and is normal now, i am always a little distant from her husband. Mainly because he is a Narcissistic pig. There is a family wedding in a few weeks and he is giving the bride away (she is marrying his son - her father is dead). One day he says he will do it the next he wont, despite being measured for the suit and originally saying yes. Now he says he will but wants to travel in his own car not the wedding cars - hes a total losser

Sorry i digress,

OP - how about a "your like a father to me card" ? - not an ideal solution i know

good luck

No, because he's not.

I have a Dad, he's blinkin' fantastic and I don't need or want another Dad, whether stepdad or not and I really wouldn't want to upset my Dad by sending a card like that.