Hacked off being put on like this.

SympathyForTheDevil

I'm a reg user, but using this name as I've done in the past when I'm in a pickle but don't want anyone in RL to read it under my own name.

My Mum has asked me to buy her husband a card for fathers day, or if not one from me, a grandad card for him from my son.

This happened a few years ago too, only I didn't get him a card and mum played merry hell with me (swearing, shouting and threatening down the phone), then started slagging my dad off to me, then even rang my dad and called him all the names under the sun when it had naff all to do with him!

Thing is, my mum left my dad for her husband and her husband left his wife and 2 small children for my mum.

Mum and him have been together for years, yet I don't class him as my stepdad, he's just my Mum's husband.

One of his children got in touch with him a few years ago, through me (via facebook), otherwise he still wouldn't be talking to either of them, so it's because of this why my Mum asked me to get him a card, because his children probably won't.

I have to bite my tongue (it's been getting looser lately believe me) because my Mum moans to me that his kids don't bother with him. Excuse me if I'm wrong, but he walked out on his kids and didn't bother with them for years, only till his son got in touch with him again, and now because the contact isn't as often as they'd like, of course it's the sons fault.

I will buy my Dad a fathers day card and gift and I will buy one and a gift for my husband from our son, but I don't do Grandad Fathers Day cards and I don't see why I should buy one when he has his own children.

Would this hack you off as it has me, or am I in the wrong here?

Don't get me wrong, he's a nice bloke, it was his bday a couple of months ago and I bought him a card and present, but I just hate being asked/told to do something, which I think I should only do because I 'want' to.

This is going to really bug me now and I know if I don't give him a card, my Mum will go mad again and I think I'll just tell her exactly where to go.

Of course I could just buy a damn card, but would you like to know a card you had received wasn't bought because the giver wanted to give it to you?

I hope all that makes sense

pigpen

I wouldn't.. it is the principal.. he isn't your father.. you have a father and just because your mother doesn't like him isn't your issue.

Say No... I love that word and have been practising using it lots of late.. No I won't buy a card for your husband.. you get him one.. no I won't go help my sister out of bed at 24 when I am 5 months pregnant and can barely walk... no no no..... It is so liberating when people realise you won't just sheep along with their unreasonable demands.

I wouldn't want a card from anyone who hadn't bought it because they like me.. probably why i didn't get a birthday card lol.

j.e.j.

It sounds like your mum's being very childish about this, - but then i'm a but cynical when it comes to the fathers day/mothers day stuff!

No, if it doesn't feel right to get him a card, then don't.

Sambucus_Nigra

When she went mad last time, did the earth cave in?

I'm presuming not.

Sometimes, you just got to go with what you want....and you are an adult after all.

SympathyForTheDevil

pigpen wrote: »

I wouldn't.. it is the principal.. he isn't your father.. you have a father and just because your mother doesn't like him isn't your issue.

Say No... I love that word and have been practising using it lots of late.. No I won't buy a card for your husband.. you get him one.. no I won't go help my sister out of bed at 24 when I am 5 months pregnant and can barely walk... no no no..... It is so liberating when people realise you can't just sheep along with their unreasonable demands.

I wouldn't want a card from anyone who hadn't bought it because they like me.. probably why i didn't get a birthday card lol.

My Mum and Dad get on great though, that's the thing.

My Dad and Mum's husband get on great too!

I was so angry at my Mum when she rang my Dad and had a go at him, my Dad didn't know what on earth she was on, just listened to her ranting and put the phone down.

I'm sure if her husband knew what she'd done and said, he would be horrified.

She put me on the spot when she asked and I didn't have time to think so just said 'OK', when what I really wanted to say was 'you must be effin joking after last time!'

I like the bloke, he's been good to us over the years, but he's not my Dad and never will be, so I don't understand why Mum can't get that through her head :mad:

I do birthdays and Christmas for him, but Fathers Day I cross a line through and think I'm perfectly entitled to.

diable

Just say "no" he isn't your Dad and tell your Mum to grow up and ask her how she would feel if you sent your Fathers new partner Mothers day card, jeeez some people can be right ar5eholes at times.

SympathyForTheDevil

j.e.j. wrote: »

It sounds like your mum's being very childish about this, - but then i'm a but cynical when it comes to the fathers day/mothers day stuff!

No, if it doesn't feel right to get him a card, then don't.

She is being childlish over it, then again, she normally always gets her own way over things!

It doesn't feel right to get him one, so I wont, thank you.

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

When she went mad last time, did the earth cave in?

I'm presuming not.

Sometimes, you just got to go with what you want....and you are an adult after all.

No the earth didn't cave in lol, I'm just hacked off now that I've got to explain to her that the answer is No, without her flying off the handle and blaming everyone else.

I'm wondering whether to email her to explain, I can't ring because I know she won't listen and just start shouting. :cool:

Spring_Time

Mothers and Fathers day is a load of old tosh anyway! They barely get registered in our house and we are a very close family. We just will not be told by a retailer when to tell someone we care for just how much we love them!

In your situation I would get the kids to hand make your mums husband a card. It does not have to say "Granddad" or Dad" it can just be a cute picture that the kids draw and them saying something simple like "To ........" "Love from ........." Would keep everyone happy without you having to use the words Dad or Granddad which do not feel right for you

diable

You don't have to explain so don't bother emailing her.

Sambucus_Nigra

SympathyForTheDevil wrote: »

No the earth didn't cave in lol, I'm just hacked off now that I've got to explain to her that the answer is No, without her flying off the handle and blaming everyone else.

Why explain? Just don't do it. When she flies off the handle just tell her to calm down and grow up a little.

shy-but-need-help

I wouldn't, I think Pigpen summed it up perfectly too. I started doing the "no" thing in the last year or so and it feels fabulous, obviously I will still help people where I can and when it's something I feel happy to do but I'm no longer willing to be led around with the guilt card. The first time I said no to my parents/sister and prioritised myself & my immediate family I felt like a naughty child but it's gotten easier and it's empowering.

Your mother is definitely being entirely irrational over it.