OH isn't getting it.

valk_scot

Broomstick wrote: »

You know how it is when you're so busy that there's no time to be ill even though there are illnesses going around and then, come the school holidays, or the week away that you'd been looking forward to, you stop the usual busyness and suddenly get ill then?

Reading the list of what you have been through over these last two years, I wonder if your OH has been able to reach that stopping place before you, and what you are seeing is his 'slump' after everything that has gone before. Maybe if you had been able to stop too you would have 'slumped' with him. Maybe both of you are exhausted and burnt out for the same reasons but he's showing it by being uncooperative and resistant and avoiding responsibility and you are showing it by trying to grab at last vestiges of being in control. Maybe both of you are coming from the same place really.


B x

This is an incredibly perceptive post and I do urge you to read it carefully at least twice, Ellie. Depression is a real possibility for both of you given past history. I know, I've been there (our elder son was ill for two years and died aged 7) and first Hubby had depression for over two years then, after he had a chance to recover a bit, I had it. My GP told me in almost the same words as above that when it was all over and I could catch my breath I'd have a "reaction" to it all sooner or later. I didn't realise at the time she meant depression and I didn't realise I'd have to see my husband through his reaction before I could finally have mine, but she was spot on. These times are well in the past now but we still keep a careful eye on each other.

I really don't think you can carry on doing this much longer. As you say you need him on board. All it needs now is for one more thing to go wrong...even a very minor thing like you getting ill for a week or two...and the whole structure is going to collapse. He won't be able to cope, you won't be well enough to cope. You are the safety net for eveyone else. There's no safety net for you. He is running away from his responsibilities and regressing into being a dependent child. Whether this is from depression (a real possibility) or because that's his character/upbringing/he's just plain lazy and selfish is a bit of a moot point tbh, though I suspect a bit of everything. Depression doesn't cause a complete personality change after all, unless it's severe. And you'd notice severe depression, trust me.

And sure as fate there will be something else along because that's what happens in life. Perhaps even the minor fact of you posting on here asking for help is a sign that you're realising you're cracking under all this. Do not ever be ashamed of this or feel that you "should" be able to cope.

I do think you both need outside help. You say he wouldn't consider some sort of marriage or couples counselling? Why not? Does he think everything is fine? It is possible to go on your own you know, the counseller will see you solo. It might be if he sees you're serious about this he would come along after a while. I also think you should go and have a chat with your own GP about how stressed you're feeling. They might be able to access some personal councilling for you...for example I used to go to a counciller when our son was ill just to talk and blow off steam with a good rant, and very helpful it was at the time.

If your OH sees that you really are serious about how much you need help to cope with all of this then he might just realise that he can't carry on this way ignoring things and being so uncooperative and unhelpful. There's a lot of point in sitting down with your OH on the sofa, bursting into tears and telling him how awful you're feeling and how it's so bad you've decided to see the doctor and a counciller. He may not realise how bad you're feeling. And if he still can't bring himself to pitch in at this point you've got to ask yourself why, exactly? See above list.

It's a bad situation and I do feel sympathy for you. But bottom line is that there's two adults in your house, supposedly, and only one of them is acting like an adult. You can't go on like this indefinately, you'll burn yourself out. You possibly already have tbh. Go and start with your GP. It's free and easy to get an appointment.

the_cat

EllieA

I'm sorry. Not knowing your history I have posted in my usual forthright manner assuming that you were dealing with someone who wouldn't buck his ideas up. It now appears that he it is more a case that he can't. I apologise if I have caused offense by taking things at face value

I suppose at least you have now identified and 'spoken' out loud what the real problem is. The issue is obv not really the food budget - that is a symptom. Have you talked to your OH about these deeper issues?

You have had some excellent advice in the previous posts which I do not feel I can better - so I won't try. Instead I want to wish you luck in getting the help you both so obviously need and hope that things improve soon
Cat

EllieA_3

I guess don't just know what the problem is. Sometimes i wonder if he's just depressed other times i wonder if he is just lazy?!

He's never been good at the "household" stuff he wasn't good when the kids where baby's and he's still not good now. I've always done more than my fair share of house suff even back when we both worked full time so it's hard to belive this is all down to depression.

We did try a councilor for a while back in january (i thin we did about 6 sessions) but we couldn't afford to continue and it wasn't really helping.

I'm just finding he's being impossible to help atm. I just know if i take the cooking/food side away from him, i'll never give it back.

I just can't cope like this, i'm tired and exhusted and there arn't enough hours in the day.

Gigervamp

Why don't you show him this thread? It might help.
(((hugs)))

LittleBrownFrog

Blimey! No wonder things are hard for you at the moment - so much to deal with over the last few years!
Marriage isn't about starving yourself in order to feed your spouse though - you need to be feeding one another, looking after one another, and it doesn't sound like that's happening. At the moment you're picking up all the things that your hubby is letting slide - like previous posters have said, that's all very well while you're able to pick up the slack, but it won't take much to tip the balance & send everything off track.

Re. meal planning, even though that's not what this thread is really about now, and I hope I'm not teaching you to suck eggs...

One thing that works well for us in 'stretched' periods (times when I'm too busy, too tired, no-one is at home enough or whatever) is to have a weekly kind of rhythm to our meal plans.

e.g. - Monday - cook something in the slow cooker, filling the slow cooker up (this does 2 or three meals worth for our family) - freeze the extra, that's dinner for next Thursday.
Tuesday - something quick - pasta/veggies/pesto
Wednesday - something on toast, fruit for dessert.
Thursday - leftovers from last Monday.
Friday - slummy mummy food - frozen pizza, froz. fish & chips or similar - anything that can just be shoved in the oven.
Saturday / Sunday - something that will do both days - maybe roast chicken and then chicken-noodle soup

Just an example - I love the slow-cooker for making multiple meals. If you can get 3 meals worth out of a full pot, then you'll soon have a freezer full of things you can use.

And... baking... sounds obvious, but took me ages to figure out, so thought I'd mention it... It's quicker to make 4 loaf cakes & then slice them for lunches, than it is to make four batches of fairy cakes ... I tend to do easy things to have for lunches/snacks during the week, and save biscuits/fairy cakes to do with one of the children.

zippychick

As the thread has developed more into a relationship type issue, Ive moved it to the families board to see if you can get some more/different advice over here

I really hope you are able to sort it out and come to some agreement

Zip

euronorris

Forgive me, I haven't caught up with the thread entirely, but does your OH understand that looking after the home (which includes cleaning, cooking & ironing) IS now his job? Because, it's coming across as though he thinks of it as a bit of a doss around.

Perhaps he needs reminding of this. After all, he wouldn't go into the office and do a half @ssed job because 'he couldn't be bothered' would he? If he did, it wouldn't be long before he was fired.

So, perhaps he needs reminding, given the set agreed budget, and if he isn't able to stick to it, then being a SAHD is obviously not the job for him and he can return to full time work instead.

You could perhaps start by asking him how he feels he is contributing to the family at the moment? By the sounds of it, all he does is a little bit of cooking (poorly) and that's it. How would he feel if the roles were reversed?

ETA: OK, caught up now and see there is more going on behind the scenes than it first seemed. But I would still recommend talking and starting with explaining how tired and overwhelmed you are feeling. Ask him how he's feeling about the current situation and then discuss what you can both do to help each other, and acheive a balance that works better for the family.

I hope it works out for you. And here's a big ((HUG)), just cos!

make_me_wise

Could you bulk cook at the weekend with him and then store it in the freezer till you need it. That way he sees how you cook and learns your techniques. Then he wont be messing up your plans by using too much of the stuff you buy and not making enough meals.

Once he has the hang of it he can cook by himself.

Caroline_a

When my children were young I worked full time, and as they got older they all had jobs to do in the house. The middle one got into a clever habit of not doing her jobs very well... with the result being that more and more I would ask her sister to do them. Eventually I twigged, and made her go back and do it again and again until it was right. Maybe your OH is working this strategy??

However, on a different tack, if your OH is going to uni to enable himself to get a more responsible job he will have to learn about financial control. Most managers now have to manage their budgets themselves, and if they overspend questions are asked! I would point this out to him, because if he can't do a simple household budget, he has no chance with any sort of departmental budget! And if that is the case, there isn't a lot of point in him going back to uni, he may as well stick with the minimum wage jobs!

JodyBPM

You say your husband is a good man. I would say that you just need to talk to him about how the burden of having the responsibility for everything in the house (money, job, housework etc) is weighing heavily on your shoulders, and ask him for his support. If he is a good man (as you say he is, and I have no reason to doubt you as you have gone through some difficult things together) then he should respond to your cry for help. Because he loves you and wants to help you, even if he doesn't much like the jobs or responsibility that he will need to take on.

I think the shopping/budgeting question in the op was really just a red herring, and this is more to do with him taking on none of the responsibilities in the relationship, and you being burdened with them all. Communication is the key, and I'm sure that you can get through this, just as you have got through other challenging times.

Good luck.