OH isn't getting it.

oldtractor

Exactly. I gave up waged work. I enjoy looking after my husband and family and home. DH is a lorry driver so we are not materially well off,but we have time for each other and the family. Invaluable.

EllieA_3

Unfortunatly switching roles is not an option in our house. I earn well over double what my husband is capable of earning, besides i wasn't happy playing housewife. It might suit some people but it didn't suit me.

He is not a bad man so please don't be mad at him

i'll admit his family are very old fashioned he was a late child and his family come from the generation where men worked and women do the "women's work". I guess that even though he wants to be a modern man these views and opinions make him struggle with the practicality's of it.

Years ago he worked full time so i could go to uni and granted i did it with two small children and while working full time. He supported me thoughout.

18 months ago he lost his job, couldn't find full time work he did a few part time jobs but in september we decided as he couldn't find full time work perhaps it was his turn to go to uni and say goodbye to minimum wage so he started college to do an access.

He worked part time for a while at college but when i got a new job (in january) I offered to let him focus on college and look after the house.

We knew the new job would be a huge strain on me, long hours and alot of travel. However we decided the massive payrise which came with it would be worth it.


It shouldn't have been a problem as his hours at college where very much part time (he's currently on summer hol's till he starts uni in september so he only has to manage the house) so he has loads of time free.

I don't think his family help matter's they are very disappoving of this new relationship his mother esp has always thought it odd im not happy at home looking after the kids.

I guess he's an old fashioned man in many ways i belive he means well and there are lots of good points in the relationship and they outweigh the bad.

the_cat

EllieA wrote: »

He worked part time for a while at college but when i got a new job (in january) I offered to let him focus on college and look after the house.

Yes but the fact of the matter is that he ISN'T looking after the house!

If you are happy to have 95% of the work in and out of the house and all the responsibiliy, then fair play to you

I certainly wouldn't be! I'm not saying you should leave him, but what you have described is not a partnership in the true sense of the word and I would be taking steps to change that

valk_scot

Well, I gave up my career 16 years ago to stay at home with the kids. I did it because I was the more proficient one at running a house. It wasn't that I was the female. There are plenty of couples where the men are more proficient domestically. Housework skills are not hard wired into our genes! Look at all the all-male institutions historically, like monasteries and the army, or think of butlers in country houses, or chefs nowadays. They all seem to have been able to cook vegetables and do laundry. It's a total insult to men to think they're less able than women domestically. What's different is the expectation that they should be less capable but really that's as out of date as saying that girls don't have enough brains to be doctors or lawyers. I can't say it often enough...it's five star !!!!!!!! and I'll be dammed if I was to bring up my son any differently from my daughter in this respect. My lad is 14 and he can plan, shop for and cook meals that include fresh vegetables, do laundry, clean the bathroom and hoover and all the rest. It's simply a matter of expectation.

And yet as I said our family is a very traditional mum at home dad at work one. However my OH doesn't expect me to do everything while he sits on his backside at weekends or the holidays. I do the vast majority of it, yes, but he's not sitting there expecting meals to be placed in front of him if he knows I'm busy with something else. He he understand nutrition, he's got a dozen things he can cook plus vegetables and he'll get off his backside unprompted and go to Tesco or whatever with a list. The odd extra packet of biscuits or Doritos do sneak in but that's okay, he doesn't buy nothing but.

I think any partner (either sex) that expects a free ride with the other person doing everything...outside work, house chores, childcare...lacks respect for their partner. If it was a woman doing this while her husband did everything else there would be some hard names dragged out her I expect. !!!!!!!!!!, golddigger, lazy !!!!! etc etc. Yet if it's a man then all sorts of excuses are offered including the Poor Dear Just Isn't Capable Because He is a Man one. Once again, !!!!!!!! to that.

Really, it all just makes me furious. What happened to equality in all this? Respect? Love for his partner, even?

song_of_calliope

Do you think it could be depression? He could be using the video games as an escape if he can't face reality. Given the values his family has tried to instill in him, he could be feeling inadequate that he can't earn as much as you, that he lost his job, etc. If he's depressed then that accounts for his laziness and his need to waste money on junk food. If he's not a jerk (and I believe you that he isn't, you would know!), then to me this is the only other possible explanation for his behavior and it all does seem to fit (although of course I don't know him or you so can't be sure!). So do you think he'd admit to being depressed and go to his GP for treatment?

Edited to say Amen to Val!!!! What a brilliant comment. In our house my partner (male) does all the cleaning and I (female) do all the DiY - because that's what suits our skills best. I'm the world's worst at housework and he couldn't fix the sink etc to save his life.

Oh EllieA I just looked at your posting history and saw what you two have been through. Now I definitely think it's depression and he needs to get help for it. Best of luck to you both.

CFC

EllieA wrote: »

He is not a bad man so please don't be mad at him


Years ago he worked full time so i could go to uni and granted i did it with two small children and while working full time. He supported me thoughout.

18 months ago he lost his job, couldn't find full time work he did a few part time jobs but in september we decided as he couldn't find full time work perhaps it was his turn to go to uni and say goodbye to minimum wage so he started college to do an access.

He worked part time for a while at college but when i got a new job (in january) I offered to let him focus on college and look after the house.


....
It shouldn't have been a problem as his hours at college where very much part time (he's currently on summer hol's till he starts uni in september so he only has to manage the house) so he has loads of time free.

I guess he's an old fashioned man in many ways i belive he means well and there are lots of good points in the relationship and they outweigh the bad.

Look, I'm sure he's lovely. My OH, although clueless and frankly lazy when he was a househusband, is the most gentle, lovely and kind man imaginable. But that didn't mean he wasn't an idle shi!t when he was a househusband! (For the same reason I would threaten divorce rather than ever let him go self employed. Some people just need structure.)

EllieA_3

song_of_calliope wrote: »

Oh EllieA I just looked at your posting history and saw what you two have been through. Now I definitely think it's depression and he needs to get help for it. Best of luck to you both.

Yes we have had one hell of a last 2 years starting with him being accused off fraud and fired. We then had a tribunal etc to go though which we lost.

We almost lost the house everything due to a lack of money and dropping an income. Luckily we re-morgaged and that helped but money have been tight ever since.

Then we had our son diagnosed with Autism, we always knew he was different it was such a long battle to get his issues recognised and addressed that when the diagnosis came i think it was a massive shock, i don't think anything could prepare us for that. I guess part of us just assumed where where being over protective and his issues where down to bad parenting and that he'd just grow out of his little ways and temper tantrums.

Then we began the role reversal which was just i nightmare from the begining.

Then recently i've been going to appeal to get my ASD son into a school which can cope with his disability, because the LEA wanted to place him in a nightmare of a school with a horrible reputation for dealing with SEN kids and bullying. (we won the appeal but it was a drain on everyone)

Right now i'm supprised any of us have any energy left and im only now having chance to truely address what is happening for everyone.

I just feel like i've been spinning plates for 2 years. trying to hold everything together.

I know it effects OH as well but he tend to leave me to do the worrying. Always has, he always jokes i do enough for the both of us.

Broomstick

You know how it is when you're so busy that there's no time to be ill even though there are illnesses going around and then, come the school holidays, or the week away that you'd been looking forward to, you stop the usual busyness and suddenly get ill then?

Reading the list of what you have been through over these last two years, I wonder if your OH has been able to reach that stopping place before you, and what you are seeing is his 'slump' after everything that has gone before. Maybe if you had been able to stop too you would have 'slumped' with him. Maybe both of you are exhausted and burnt out for the same reasons but he's showing it by being uncooperative and resistant and avoiding responsibility and you are showing it by trying to grab at last vestiges of being in control. Maybe both of you are coming from the same place really.

Is there anyway that the two of you could work out how to make everything as simple as possible for a bit - even by agreeing to go 50:50 on fast food/microwave meals and some easy to make real food just so that you both can get a bit of room to heal and be a couple again?

Would he get more enthusiastic about money-saving if you could put any housekeeping money saved into a separate account for the two of you to have a weekend away together without the children, or something like that?

B x

song_of_calliope

Oh EllieA, that all sounds horrible - well done for dealing with it all as well as you have.

EllieA wrote: »

I know it effects OH as well but he tend to leave me to do the worrying. Always has, he always jokes i do enough for the both of us.

And that's not really fair on you either! You have to bear the whole burden yourself and I don't see how long you can go on like this. He's probably just not expressing his emotions but that doesn't mean he doesn't have any.

Also is it really such a good idea for him to go back to studying in this state? What if his lazy behaviour continues and he flunks out of Uni? Maybe it would be better if he concentrated on getting a job instead? Then you could maybe afford the junk food and a cleaner once a week and you'd both be happier.

If he won't get help for depression or go to marriage counseling would you consider going to therapy on your own to try to get some strategies for dealing with all this?

EllieA_3

I suppose i should mention.

I still do all the cooking at weekends and i also use weekends for baking for the week, cakes, cookies etc.

I'm just tired, i accept that perhaps he's struggling but i sorted the appeal, im the one working long hours and trying to learn about autism so i can help our son. I feel like im working 24/7 at the moment i just can't cope and coming hope every night to find him playing computer games when i struggle to find time to make a coffee and watch a single tv show is wittling on my patience.

I accept he's not managing well, his self esteme had taken a battering the last 2 years but we have a family and i can't do this alone.

I don't have the option of not dealing... i need him.