Family bereavement - no closure

Bogof_Babe

Auntie-Dolly wrote: »

My stepfather died from bowel cancer & at the end he was in no condition to go hiking in a Camodian National Park. It all sounds rather unbelievable.

I was about to say exactly the same thing. My mum has just passed away from bowel cancer, and for the last couple of weeks could hardly lift her head off the pillow, never mind talk coherently and send farewell emails. Very fishy.

beasygirl

Thank you everyone for the advice. When we found out and spoke with SIL we did think at the time we should just leave the situation alone to respect FIL wishes.

But RBS just won't give up we have on average about 5 calls a day from them ranging from 7.50am - 9.10pm. I always rush to get the phone so DH doesn't have to deal with it but its becoming more difficult to just ignore the situation and try to move on (sorry if that sounds insensitive)

FIL was what you would call an 'oddball' very strange man, but was set in his ways about what he wanted. As much as all of this is a shock to the system, how this has all come about with unfinished business is FIL to a tee.

I will suggest the police to DH, I didn't want to beforehand in fear of upsetting him more. We were actually coming to terms with it and starting to laugh and behave normally again, then the calls came and the post. It's just a constant reminder that the situation has not been dealt with properly

PoorCharleyBear

I would also be very surprised if Cambodian authorities found a non-local body (assuming FIL was not Cambodian?) and not try and trace it. Imagine the outcry in diplomatic circles if they just buried an unclaimed body while making no attempt to identify it.


I agree with the others- it sounds completely implausible and like your SIL is making things up as she goes to make her life easier.

How can you and DH accept he is dead just on a vague and pretty far fetched story? I would definitely want a lot more to allow me closure in such circumstances.

patchwork_cat

You have an obligation to go to the police. He could have been murdered or anything.

I agree with the posters about terminal cancer and the ability to travel to Cambodia! No way!

If he did go to Dignitas then with the change in the law everything would probably be OK, but there would still need to be an investigation.

Violetta_2

I do think as thing's are so odd you need to speak to someone official about this, your OH needs some answer's & going to the police would at least make it official rather than RBS thinking you are covering from him.
Obviously none of us have any idea what happened but could he have chosen his time I'm so sorry to say this, but killed himself before he got any worse & perhaps your sil is covering for him. (just with some people speculating re someone who is terminally ill gallivanting about).
I have to admit I am intrigued it sounds like something out of the movies.

paddy's_mum

The OP's predicament is really bothering me and I've fussed and fretted all evening over why I feel so apprehensive. I've finally put my finger on why. OP - it is this.

If you have real suspicion that something isn't right and do nothing to alert/inform the proper authorities, are you going to get caught up in subsequent crossfire and deeply entangled in a possible investigation of wrongdoing? How forgiving are the Police going to be when you explain your position by saying that you didn't feel it was your place to ask questions or make waves?

You run the risk of being 'tarred with the same brush' if it does transpire that some criminal or deeply underhanded behaviour has gone on. If your own parents smell a rat, you must realise that we can't all be just cynics from somewhere or other.

I urge you to seek the advice of your local police. Even if they say they will look into it but there's nothing to worry about, you will at least have guarded your own back. From what you say about the sister in law, it seems unlikely that she would lift a finger to protect you from hurt or harm.

I do hope this all works out for the best and that you can regain some peace of mind. Good luck.

patchwork_cat

paddy's_mum wrote: »

The OP's predicament is really bothering me and I've fussed and fretted all evening over why I feel so apprehensive. I've finally put my finger on why. OP - it is this.

If you have real suspicion that something isn't right and do nothing to alert/inform the proper authorities, are you going to get caught up in subsequent crossfire and deeply entangled in a possible investigation of wrongdoing? How forgiving are the Police going to be when you explain your position by saying that you didn't feel it was your place to ask questions or make waves?

You run the risk of being 'tarred with the same brush' if it does transpire that some criminal or deeply underhanded behaviour has gone on. If your own parents smell a rat, you must realise that we can't all be just cynics from somewhere or other.

I urge you to seek the advice of your local police. Even if they say they will look into it but there's nothing to worry about, you will at least have guarded your own back. From what you say about the sister in law, it seems unlikely that she would lift a finger to protect you from hurt or harm.

I do hope this all works out for the best and that you can regain some peace of mind. Good luck.

That is why I said that the OP had an obligation to inform the police. I was thinking that they might be charged with something like obstruction if there was a crime.

Broomstick

The thing is that:

1) You know enough to know that something doesn't feel quite right, which is presumably why you posted here in the first place. Even if you don't speak to the police now, something else might come to light in the future which flags everything up again and someone might report it. If this happens, then you are sure to be spoken to and it's going to look very odd that you were not sure about things but didn't say anything at the time.

2) It will be easier to find out what has happened when the trail is still 'hot' rather than several years down the line. If your SiL went under a bus next week, it sounds as if a lot of the true story will go with her. The police need to have the chance to follow this up now.

3) If your FiL is dead, his body must be somewhere. If it has been buried or cremated or donated to science officially then a record must exist. If he went to Dignitas they will know. There will be a paper trail. Unless you follow it up you DH will never know and always wonder. You may be able to hide it away temporarily but there may come a time in the future where it preys upon your minds all the time and it will be so much harder to discover the truth.

4) If there is nothing wrong and nothing to hide there is also nothing for your SiL to fear.

puddy

agreed, you must go to the police. what on earth does SIL mean by 'can of worms' - is she referring to some suicide agency or something more sinister?

and yes, if FIL did not leave a will, that means that any property and estate (including that bank account) is intestate, including the house in turkey (although you say you are on the deeds, bit confusing)

anyhow, you need to keep remembering that you were not left with any debt, a dead person does not leave beneficiaries with debt, the estate pays the debt, not relatives. simply write to rbs and tell them that you are considering their phone calls as harrassment and for gods sake, get a caller display phone and dont pick up phone calls with 'witheld' as their number!!!! i cant understand why you're rushing to pick the phone up, turn the sound down and anyone important will leave a message

meritaten

hun - your FIL may have been an oddball, but so many of us are suspicious that something you dont know about has occured - we are advising you to go to the police and report that your FIL is missing and that a family member says they are dead. you think that there is something not right. you want them to investigate as there is no body, no death certificate. and money was moved out of your FILS account AFTER you were told he had died.
it may be that he went to swizterland to an assisted death clinic - but who assisted him? there is a good reason why its not legal here.