New mum and so lonely....

jenjade

how about you go a childrens centre they have staff employed to run the group and thier job is to make you welcome so it is not as clicky as normal mum and baby groups can be. you could phone them ask to speak to someone about what the centre does and explain to them how you feel they may be able to offer you a buddy or come and meet you to go to groups. Just an idea i hope things improve soon

Hushpuppie_2

Thankyou to everyone who took time to post a reply I know how hard it is to even have a cup of tea these days with a baby to look after!

Im living with this depression/isolation rather than dealing with it, as I have cancelled a couple of appoinments now to see doctor as I feel pills cannot help (I know im not an expert) and I dont have anyone to hold baby if I saw a therapist which is something I would consider, my partner is great but he has to work a long day and im really one of those people who pretend that everything is ok so keep it from him but he found out as he had to pick up my pills from chemist (it was my way of letting him know I may have PND)

Family not calling once has shocked me, ok we were never close but I have always doted and spoilt my neices and nephews when they were born..

As you can tell im a very proud person and find it hard to ask for help I get so far then back down and retreat into myself again,

I hope to tell everyone soon that im feeling better I really do as I so want to enjoy my daughters early years, she amazes me everyday with the way she changing and growing...

xx

Agutka

I'm sure the therapist won't mind you bringing her along.

Mine was done on the phone, so whilst I had my first appointment face to face, the rest of the course was on the phone, when I was at home with the two beasts. So occasionally I would say excuse me and deal with the kids. Not a problem.

Counting_Pennies_2

Hushpuppie wrote: »

Thankyou to everyone who took time to post a reply I know how hard it is to even have a cup of tea these days with a baby to look after!

Im living with this depression/isolation rather than dealing with it, as I have cancelled a couple of appoinments now to see doctor as I feel pills cannot help (I know im not an expert) and I dont have anyone to hold baby if I saw a therapist which is something I would consider, my partner is great but he has to work a long day and im really one of those people who pretend that everything is ok so keep it from him but he found out as he had to pick up my pills from chemist (it was my way of letting him know I may have PND)

Family not calling once has shocked me, ok we were never close but I have always doted and spoilt my neices and nephews when they were born..

As you can tell im a very proud person and find it hard to ask for help I get so far then back down and retreat into myself again,

I hope to tell everyone soon that im feeling better I really do as I so want to enjoy my daughters early years, she amazes me everyday with the way she changing and growing...

xx

If I can be very blunt, everything you are saying is what I said to start with.

You don't necessarily need the pills if you try the other things. You can go to a therapist with a baby, I used to book mine around baby's sleep so she would sleep for much of the session, I also took baby a bouncy chair and lots of toys. When baby is young it is perfectly possible, I even breastfed while I spoke to my therapist.

In terms of going for a cranial, again baby comes too. She used to sit in her car seat, then as she got older she would play with toys on the floor, and now, she sits outside with the receptionist nearly 4 years of age and chats away to her while eating a special ginger bread man for being a good girl. If there is a problem my cranial therapist pops out and brings her in.

I told myself I would be better this time next week, don't go giving yourself a time scale, it is not helpful, it puts more pressure on yourself.

Also the quicker you get yourself into treatments the quicker you will be well for her.

Yes there were times of my DDs early years that are a blur, but if I am honest it was the same with my DS when I didn't have PND, it is just the fast pace of babyhood.

Take charge of yourself now.

http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/post-natal_depression

Have a read of this link, I found it very useful.

Then talk with your OH and say you need to do something now to make it better. If you are against taking little one to your therapy sessions, make sure he is home one night a week so he can look after her and you go to an evening session. Both my cranial and counselling had evening and weekend appointments.

Whatever you do, don't make excuses, this is your chance to sort it.

take care

Counting_Pennies_2

PS - if you get yourself registered and have a homestart lady, she can come with you and help you at the appointments too!

Hushpuppie_2

It feels almost silly but I feel envious and in awe of you ladies who posted here that went to new mum groups etc when they found it difficult and settled in after a while..i just feel I cant do it.

I have had the offer of someone from one of these centers to come in with me, but the longer I keep it off the harder I have made it for myself now.

Oh I wish My friends were still local, I just hope I dont end up resenting my new life with partner, home etc..

JoJoB

What are your actual fears about going to a playgroup? What is the worst case scenario for you? That you will be ignored while you watch other people chat amongst themselves?

Really, if that's the worst case scenario, it's not too awful is it? No-one's going to point and laugh at the new person and turn their backs on you! You really have to think of it in terms of just going somewhere different to have a little play with your baby - forget about all the other people there and focus on your little on.

The offer from someone from one of the centres to go with you can still be taken up - they won't have retracted it just because you have been a bit slow on the uptake, they completely understand your situation as a symptom of pnd and will be happy to help when you are ready.

Ultimately the help is there waiting for you petal. but it can't be forced on you. At the moment you are inventing reasons not to take the help that is out there. You can take your child to counselling with you, you can ring homestart and have a volunteer come to see you, you can talk to doc about alternatives to pills. You really CAN do all of these things. You can also be honest with your partner about your pnd - he shouldn't be finding out from chemist receipts my lovely, he needs to know what is going on with you.

There is a great saying "if you keep doing the same things the same things will happen". Your sense of isolation is not going to get better on its own. You have to look at all the possibilities mentioned on here, find the one that is the least difficult for you to try and at least make a start with that.

Why not get your local homestart number and give them a ring today to request one of their volunteers to come visit you? That's one phone call - one tiny step and will give you a great sense of having done something positive. Because at the moment your inertia is just another stick to beat yourself with.

RebekahR

I am not yet pregnant. I am planning on becoming pregnant with my 1st in the next couple of months. However I find myself worrying about things like this already! I will want to get out and socialise for the good of the baby and my mental health. But I am so like Hushpuppie. So many fears. I am so shy, quiet with low self esteem. So for me to do this will be a massive step. I hope come this time next year when I am about to give birth and go into a sobbing mess that Hushpuppie will have found friends and encourange and remind me of this post!!

So much has been said that is so helpful. Baby steps ... literally lol. I have nothing more to add as others are far more experienced than I am. Thanks for the advise I have bookmarked this for when its my turn! Good luck hun. You CAN do it I think I will start with baby massage when it's my turn.

moneysaver12

Hi i know you said you had messaged a mum on netmums but what about posting on the meet a mum board on netmums, that way members can message you. I have met two mums through there so far and am meeting another one on friday, by posting a message on there about me and my little boy. Wanted to send hugs x

Counting_Pennies_2

I hear what you are saying, but no one will get you better but you.

This is the start of lots of learning. We don't realise how self centred (meant in a nice way) and focused on just a few friends we become until a baby comes along.

You need to get out there to make friends now, which in turn will teach your daughter her social skills. You will no doubt be inviting back for play dates when your DD starts school and this is the grounding for you.

Start practising in your social skills in all these anonymous settings so when it comes to school you will be well versed in conversation.

Honestly, with a 7 year old and a 3 year old, I spend my days talking about school work, which scooter/bike is best, teachers, etc, all things that are so easy to speak about. Before that it was how many nappies I had changed, how OH did nothing around the house to help (good one to get the moans started amongst every mum!) mother in law discussions are a good meeting of minds too.

I think you should give yourself an easy aim. One new achievement each week.

This week Homestart. Get yourself self referred. I put the link below. Be honest with them, say you have no family, no friends, you have PND and been prescribed tablets. That you need help, an ear, some confidence building. They more than often have someone they can match you to.

http://www.home-start.org.uk/findus/findus

Next week, call your contact up to go to that play group.

Following week, take yourself to the doctors and be honest. If pills aren't for you, state what you are going to do (cranial, diet, counselling to see if that will help) ask your GP to give you some counsellors contact details and refer you to one (either privately to get started straight away, or on to the waiting list)
Keep going to that play group, or to a new one if you didn't like the first.

Following week, book up a cranial osteopath (ask around at the play groups for referrals, don't need to say it is for you, many babies have cranial, so you can use that as your cover) then call the osteopath and say you have PND and read that it can be of help, book an appointment and try it out. Keep going to your play groups.

Each week build up, and eventually you will have a nice little buzz going on.

On a bad day, try to get yourself out. Remember not to have more than one big thing a day, if shopping tires you, don't fit in a play group meeting too where your energies will be taken up.

Try to have at least one nap around midday when baby does to refresh yourself.

Most of all, take charge now. Only you can do this.

In terms of being envious of others doing it, don't think it was easy, it was not. But when I got there and made the effort my life became much better.