New mum and so lonely....

HRV

HI OP

Just thought I might suggest if normal mother and toddler groups are too daunting how about trying something- like another posted suggested- like baby massage, water babies, messy play (when they're older? possibly), tumble tots.

I think its less daunting if you are actually 'doing' something with your baby- less pressure on you to have full on conversations, chat can just be incidental until you feel more confident.

As others have said- go back to docs- if you have PND the right meds will make you feel better- if you dont get a good response from your doc go and see a different one. I saw 4 docs at my surgery before I saw the one who I finally 'clicked' with and felt she understood my feelings and needs- she changed my meds (not PND but laongstanding depression) and it mad a huge difference to me- have now been able to reduce the dose.

Incidentally Im expecting twins and like you am an hour + away from my family and old friends- it's going to be tough- if you need support, you need to tell people- invite them to come and see you- even if you dont really feel like it- keep channels of communication open

All the best x

Gizmogiz

Some excellent advice on here.
I haven't had a baby (we're working on it though!) but I moved to a new village last yr away from friends & family & its been really hard to meet people. I actually think it would've been a lot easier with a baby as there are lots of groups I could've gone to for mums. I went to lots of local exercise classes but everyone always seemed to know each other & I would never stick it out. In the end I started volunteering at the local guides as a helper & have met some really nice people & one likeminded of a similar age who'd also moved at same time & was looking for new friends. Now I have someone to have a coffee or glass of wine with when I want to.
What i'm trying to say is your baby is the best icebreaker so make yourself go to a local mums meeting & stick at it for a few wks. I can almost guarantee u'll find some lovely people to chat to.
Making new friends does take time & u have to put some effort in but it'll b worth it.
Good luck.

clearingout

try and stick out the baby and toddler groups - I know it's daunting but it is a good way to meet people. Most churches have a group attached - you can literally work your way around them until you find one that you feel comfortable in! Paid activities are a way of meeting a smaller group of mums - baby massage, Tumble Tots, music classes etc. but it obviously depends on money. You do have to be open to asking people to come over for coffee or be the one suggesting you all meet up when the classes end. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Your local NCT is always a good place to start (and in my experience, are often run by older mums). An good conversation opener is to simply say you're new in the area and ask what sort of classes, activities, play centres, museums, parks etc. there are around as people will always have opinions on this.

Take care of yourself - speak to your doctor and set yourself a goal of getting to at least one activity a week for the next few weeks. Playgroups only last for a couple of hours, so if it's awful, you're not going to have to stick it out for long. Oh, and asking organisers if you can help with clearing up would also be a very good way of breaking the ice!

make_me_wise

Awwww hun have a massive (((hug))). I imagine its hard enough being a new mum in a familiar area with friends and family close at hand. To be coping with this new phase of your life whilst feeling isolated must be very difficult.

Alot of my friends and some family members found the early months with their little ones quite tough. I have only recently found out I am pregnant, due in January. Am already wondering how I will adjust to this massive life change.

To be honest, although it may be daunting, the only way to build up a support network of other mums is to get out there and mix with some. Not easy when groups have there own established friendships. I bet there are a good few mums that go along to mum and baby groups that are in a similar position to you though.

Have you been to any local gyms?. The one near me offers a creche service. I have joined the gym already to stay fit during pregnancy but also to make some friends. Just getting out for an hour or so once or twice a week and socialising does the world of good.

How about baby massage classes? My local Surestart runs classes. Also baby and toddler ryhme-time. That way people are going along to something and joining in. You can strike up a chat with them. There isn't that dread of there being awkward silences etc as most of the time there is something you are all focused on doing. Starts friendships off gradually.

Ive also found out from a friend of mine that there is a new mums excercise club. They meet in my local park and go for a power walk, babies in prams. Sounds like it could be good.

Provided the birth goes well I plan to start going along to alot of these when baby and I are ready. Otherwise I am sure I would go stir crazy.

I hope you will feel happier soon OP.

bexxie90

awww hun I feel for you so much it is hard and isolating especially when you have just your first child.

Where are you? You never know you could be near me? I am in Suffolk.

I have to say joining the local NCT is fantastic,I wont lie the first few times I found a bit hard as there were a great deal of 'posh' ladies there but that was my misconception of them,they are all lovely and not at all snobby.

Also someone metioned Sally Army,this is a fab way of meeting new people and the coffee mornings are great,they run on a Thursday here.

Please PM me as I would love to have new friends even if you are miles away from me its always nice to have someone to offload onto even if virtual. I also know a lot about BF if you need any advice

please keep your chin up and give your little darling a big kiss and cuddle that will make you feel good in its self.
xx

Plans_all_plans

In my opinion you need to try to get out and about, going to mums and tots groups etc. Yes, lots of the mums there will alreday know each other and it's hard to get into an already established group, but you should persevere as there'll be rewards in the end! I moved 300 miles from all my family and friends to an area where I knew no-one, we had a 2 year old and I was a SAHM. I went to every group going for a year before I made any friends. I got seriously fed up with feeling like an outsider, but I eventually just pushed my way in little by little! You just have to keep at it, keep talking to people and don't give up if one or two of them make no effort with you.

I'd advise going to your local children's centre, asking what baby groups they have there and start going. If you think you're getting on with someone there ask them what they're up to for the rest of the week and if they're free one afternoon, invite them for a coffee at yours or to go to a playcentre or whatever. Keep at it and don't give up if you don't get anywhere at first. Most mums will know how you're feeling so they should give you the time of day. Good luck!

starjumper

Being a mum can be really lonely at times, lots of people have suggested baby groups and stuff which is good and does help but I'm not very good at small talk and I'm not really interested in other peoples children so I've not really made any friends by going to them, though some find them a really big help.
Can Dad look after baby for a few hours one evening? It'll give you a bit of a break and you could go to an exercise class or something, since baby arrived I've joined a zumba class and not made lots of friends but a few new faces in my life which means when I speak to them its not about nappy rash and weaning or whatever it's about me being a person in my own right. I've only been going a few months and proper friendships can take a while to build so don't give up, keep going and remember every new mum feels lonely.
Sadly facebook got me through some of the darker months xxx

balletshoes

I also didn't get on very well with mums and babies groups I'm afraid - but it was totally down to me, I just didn't put the effort in. I did however walk with the pram every day around the neighbourhood, and when baby was a little older, Surestart were brilliant - would definitely recommend them.

The suggestion about getting out for an hour or so on an evening when your OH can look after baby is a great one in my opinion - gives you some "you" time, when you can be Hushpuppie, not babys mum. Even if you don't strike up friendships right off, it will help make you feel better and more familiar with your new surroundings.

Mupette

You really need to go back and tell your GP you didn't stick to the tablets, GP can't help you if you don't tell them how you really are feeling, no one knows because you are hiding it.

After the birth of my son i was home alone, which was a new thing for me, no work and adult company, just me and the baby, and i didn't really know anyone in my area as i had moved when about 6 months pregnant.

I went to the local baby toddler group, which the first time i walked in was daunting.. but these mums you will be seeing around for a few years, at play group, nursery and junior school...

This is where these friendships start, at the baby group yes some can be clicky, some will be like, 'oh my baby is so advanced he walked out of my womb'....

And i bet you will not be the only nervous shy mum, these women will be around for you for the next 12 years at least, go there make some new friends you will enjoy it and wonder what all the fuss was about.

But one thing go back to the GP and tell the truth, they can help you feel better about this

Agutka

When I went to the baby group I didn't know anyone. No one knew anyone. I went to listen to other's stories (months of fun re-living births etc) and get advice about teething, weaning, moving, anything. And most of all to get a hot tea. At home when you make a hot drink, baby will need you and you end up having cold tea. At group someone was there to make drinks for you. It took a while, but when people started to go back to work, we started meeting outside of group and now I have a healthy circle of friends.
And boy, do you need them when your little baby turns into a toddler :eek::rotfl:
I went twice a week for two years (till they changed how the groups were ran) and even now I bump into people I met all over the place. As other's have said, you will keep seeing the same faces forever and it's nice just to have someone to say hello to.
And do go back to your GP, loneliness is one thing, but worrying unnecessarily about the future is not good for you. I'm just coming to the end of a course of cognitive behavioural therapy and it's been good. There is more help out there than just pills.

Congratulations on your baby girl!