New mum and so lonely....

beckseven

I really felt for you when i read your post. I've been in a similar position to you. I moved to a new area when I had my ds five years ago and when he was born I felt so low and isolated. I was 30 at the time but the first of all my friends to have a baby so suddenly i felt very isolated and different from them-they were out and about, going on weekend breaks and always out whereas I was sat on the sofa with baby sick in my hair in my trackie bottoms because none of my old clothes fitted me! My mum was also diagnosed with cancer so i had noone to turn to as i didn' t want to burden my family with my problems when there was already so much going on. What I did was forced myself to walk down to my local mums and tots group-I didn't want to-i felt sick walking in but I'm so glad i did. Everyone was welcoming and although the people there already knew each other and were good friends they included me in things they were doing and I was invited to meals out etc. when i had my dd 2 years ago I found the surestart centre absolutely brilliant too. I went to the baby group there and the staff are excellent-I did baby massage and messy play and buggy walks. I now run the mums and tots group i first went to and if someone is new I make a beeline for them and introduce them to everyone else so please give it a go-babies really break the ice. do go back to your doctors too if you feel really low. Hope all goes well for you

brians_daughter

I havent read all the replies, but i will say that there is never a more opportune time to build a support network of new friends than the one that presents itself once you have just had children.

I moved 100 miles away due to ohs work when ds1 was 3 weeks old. I threw myself into mum and baby goups an the likes and now, 11 years later i have lots of good friends who all have children the same age as my chldren.It does take guts to go to the 1st few meetings but after that you will be relaxed and so happy you went to meet others who know what you are going through

re the PND, you must get this sorted - you deserve to be well. Just because 1 lot of meds didnt work doesnt mean another one wont

clw1

(((hugs)))

I found that when I had my LO I only knew 1 other person who was on maternity leave at the same time so in the first few months I got lonely, bored at home, weepy, stressed, tired etc. What really helped me was forcing myself to go out and meet other new mums.

I am naturally very shy and hate having to make new friends so built it up by starting with 1 group / activity per week, then 2, then 3 etc so that eventually I was going something most days. Whilst there will be some cliques most people are in a similar position of wanting to make new friends and so I had to force myself to smile and start conversations (asking childs name, age etc are good openers), after a few sessions you'll get to know people.

I went to an NCT post natal class that was good (it was a chance to talk about how I was getting on and to realise that others found it tough going too). Also my local surestart ran a group for babies up to 18months which was fab as it was mainly new mums with just 1 child in a similar position to me.

http://www.nct.org.uk/in-your-area/course-finder/courses-parents/early-days-postnatal

Anyway the upshot is that despite finding it hard at the start now I'm still good friends with several people who I met while on maternity leave.

pigpen

I was completely isolated from having DD2 until we moved here 6 years ago.. I hadn't moved town I just lived far enough away I couldn't get anywhere, or everyone worked or my friends moved away.

I hate toddler groups... I don't like other peoples children and half the time I don't like the other people either, I can't sit and brag about my children (especially when they make everyone elses look like fools ). I took mine when they were older so they could mix, share germs and headlice and develop their social skills... it didn't work.. they are still antisocial!

I don't speak to the other parents at school even though I have been taking my children there 17 years!! I haven't made a single 'friend' through associations with my children.. HOWEVER.... I found going to college to do short courses I did find a couple of people to chat to, they aren't friends but I can have a comfortable conversation, I'm not in the house and I developed a new skill in the meantime.

I have had PTSD and PND more than once and never resorted to medication.. primarily because my GP refused to prescribe it as I was breastfeeding.. I found making changes to my life myself worked.. but I had to want the change.. and it is damn hard when getting out of bed in a morning fills you with dread and self loathing.

If you really don't want the pills then only you can make the move to change your daily life.. noone can do it for you.. and moaning about your lot in life actually compounds the low self esteem, lack of energy etc. Do you have a long term goal you can make steps towards now?

What really kicked me into touch was having to move house.. which did nearly drive me to a breakdown!.. BUT.. I decluttered my home which was amazingly therapeutic, I sold loads of stuff online, I started college.. I'm sure you can think of something.

grey_lady

Sure start childrens centres run free courses as well such as baby massage, if you signed up for something like that then everyone would be new and in the same boat. Someone already suggested nct postnatal groups and I've heard good things about them as well.

I'm not a fan of anti depressants, IMHO if you are depressed because you are lonely then a pill isn't going to change that, you need to make yourself go along to these activities during the day or start a new hobby or something that could get you out when your partner is at home to look after the baby.

cyclingyorkie

My lifesaver was the local NCT coffee morning group - I didn't know anyone and like another poster the first couple of meetings I found hard - esp when DD1 was sick on the carpet!

I persisted and was hugely relieved to discover that other mums lived in more normal houses..... ie terraces - like mine.

I made some fantastic friends there - and got a whole load of feedback about toddler groups, schools etc!

I even ran the group for a couple of years....

And please go back to the doctor and talk about how the tablets make you feel.....

The hardest point for me was the ringing up the local contact - it took me 2 weeks to pluck up the courage! And when I did I discovered she lived over the back from me - literally!

mummyinthevalley

Hi,

I have a 9 month old and also moved with my husband and 2 older children away from friends and family, we do find it lonely at times and I have not had as much help with our new baby as I had with the other 2. I have joined baby groups which is something I never did before, probably been to 6 or 7 now and it does get easier, especially as your baby starts to become more interactive, it kick starts conversation! It is difficult and I know how it feels to feel like a spare part but I grit my teeth and get on and most people are really friendly when you start chatting but it doesn't always happen straight away.

I'd say keep going to as many groups as possible, you'll be out of the house and will feel like you've got out and made an effort even if a meeting is slightly awkward, it will be better next time.

Hope this helps

p_joker

I kind of know how you feel :-( I'm not a new mum I have 2 boys 4 and 2 and we have just moved to a small town, I don't think there is even a mum and toddler group here, I can't swim so can't even go to the local swimming pool, you could try facebook and set up a group for like minded people? its just an idea. I didn't know many people in the last town we lived in but know nobody here

chrissy3634

I'm not a new Mum but I do feel lonely.
My only son has flown the nest and lives 200 miles away.
I have a lovely husband but not many frends
I live in West Yorks.
Do you live in this area?
Best wishes Chrissy

freebiequennie

Hello

I felt like this too my baby is now almost 9mths and it does get better - we live 200miles from both our families and all our friends are work friends so at work all day.

I went from a very busy job working full time to being at home with a newborn for company - I used to dread the day ahead and break down the day into chunks like how many hrs til next feed/nap time and then til husband gets home. I used to cry at nothing and feel guilty as baby was much wanted.

Anyway when baby was 8wks old I kicked my own backside into gear and started going to baby groups (we had been out for walks and stuff on own before) which is something I was never going to do and even when pregnant said I wasnt going to any - well we started with a breastfeeding support group and then the following week a baby group for 0-6mth olds and we did these 2 for several weeks and this made my days so much better and you know once you go to one you'll go to lots we have done baby yoga, baby massages, singing story sessions, music and movement groups.

I dont even want to go back to work now (would have jumped at chance at 4-6wks!!) and have to in 2wks time.

Find your local sure start childrens centre and see what they have on as everything through them is free and we have really benefited from lots of groups they have done.

Also look on www.netmums.co.uk and join your local area then click the whats on section and baby and toddler groups and that will bring up things in local area.

First few times I went to groups I didnt say much just played with baby or sat and listened to what was going on - now you cant shut me up