New mum and so lonely....

Hushpuppie_2

Hi
Hope someone in a similar situation once can help with words of encouragment..

I had my first baby end of Feb she is the light of my life I never thought I would love her this much:o but she is not the reason im writing this.

I have had to move at 7 months pregnant left work due to partners job and also that could he still live near his kids from 1st marriage, which is what I had to do not complaining about that,its too far from my home town to just pop down with a new born.

I thought I may have PND and was given pills but they made me very sick and im BF so decided not to carry on , my doctor does not know..

Its the feeling of complete lonliness and isolation of being in a new area I dont know anyone here, my health visitor has suggested new mums groups etc but I just cant go I feel like everyone knows each other in some capacity as they are from this town plus im quite shy and its 'just not me' I have tried, even joined netmums and mailed one mum on there we exchanged a few emails then i didnt have my computer for 1 week as it needed fixing when I got it back she hadnt replied so I left it.

I spend alot of time crying I look at my daughter and worry so much about not being around for her, my parents passed away when I was ver young im 40 now.

Im finding it hard to start all ovr again if that makes sense, not close to what family I do have they have not even rang once to see how I am even though we went to show them the baby when she was a week old and visited a couple of my friends too the friends have at least sent a tex to see how I am.

I miss everything about my former home and town but its too far to live there now

Has anyone ever experianced this and come out at the end happy?

thanks for reading

lilab_2

You aren't alone in feeling like this. Lots of new mums do. Try and see if there is a Salvation Army near you. They often run coffee morning drop ins for new mums where you can go and be sure that there is a friendly face to welcome you. That would be a good starting point. Have you got in touch with your local National Childbirth Trust? If you google you will be able to find your local branch and they will point you in the right direction for meeting other new mums. Don't be shy to attend, just go and try to speak to others even if your shyness would normally hold back. Once your baby starts crawling you could attend a Parent and Toddler play session at a gymnastics centre. Lots of mums, babies and coaches to make you feel welcome and included. Hope this is a little helpful.

VfM4meplse

Bless you HP (((hugs))). I have a great deal of sympathy, do be assured that things will improve. It's not surprising you feel unsettled ad that something is missing, but it's also not your faault, just the way that life turned out.

Firstly, count your blessings! Top of the list will be your daughter, think about how much you love her - your parents will have loved you just as much. I would agree that the diagnosis of PMD seems very likely so please give the medication another go. Presumably your GP will have known that you were b/f before prescribing, s/he would not have done anything to put the baby at risk? Taking it in the morning will help, if you are still concerned then express beefore the dose although in reality this won't make any difference to the baby. You may find that eating a light meal beforehand cuts down on the nausea but do persist.

It may not feel like it atm, esp if you are shy, but joining the new mums group will be the quickest way of getting you back to feeling your normal self and part of your new community. I think you'll find yourself a whole new network of friends who have the same worries and concerns as yourself! As your daughter gets older, you'll find that you meet more new people locally through her. You probably visit your local pharmacy quite regularly, you might be surprised at the wealth of experience from the ladies behind the counter when it comes to parenting!

linni

It can be really isolating being a new mum but stick it out and it will happen eventually. Are there any mother and baby groups near you or any 'play centres' that have coffee mornings? Try contacting Homestart http://www.home-start.org.uk/homepage
they are very good with people in your situation. I had a lady come to me once a week and it was great just having someone to talk to.

aliasojo

I feel for you. I'm having to move because of my partner's job and it's scaring the life out of me, I think you are very brave having done that with a new baby too.

Go back to your Doctor and tell him about the pills, he may be able to change them for something else which wont affect you so badly.

What are the neighbours like? Do you leave the house much? Even for just a walk round the block with baby? I think you need to get out more as an initial first step. Just walking will help lift your mood a little and you may come into contact with locals in the passing. Babies and dogs are amazing tools for sparking up conversation.

If you're not up for joining groups, you need to just take baby steps. It will all get better but not if you just stay in the house.

knithappens

I think even without the move, new mums are not prepared for how lonely it can be with a new baby, especially if everyone else works etc, and i think as an adult it is somuch harder to make friends.

I hated the mother and toddler groups, they were very clicky, so I decided to exploremy new area on my own, to get me out and about, I met alot of other mums this way with similar interests.

this is great and helped me find places to go http://www.babiesinthecity.co.uk/ - this is specific to the north west but if you pop in your postcode it will have places nearer to you, of course some are expensive, but i always went for the ones which were free.

Another way i have met a lot of like minded people is online, frums like this and through blogging too, again liek minded peple to talk to.

I was put on anti depresants while pregnant ,but decided against takign them, instead I exercised as it is a naturla mood lifter, also breastfeeding does something similar, also the offer is there if you ever need a chat, i am here. You can PM and i can give you my IM address

Take care hun x

JoJoB

Look, I know it may seem difficult at the moment but the only way to meet new friends is to get out of the house. Toddler groups will be a lovely atmosphere for your little one and a baby is a great ice-breaker. Other mums will be cooing over over your baby and there will be other mums there with babies too.

Some mums will already know each other - that's a given. It doesn't mean that they don't want to know you too. Some people may be unfriendly - that's the way of the world. There's always one or two!

It can take time to make new friends but you must also realise that your presence at one of these groups may make all the difference to someone else feeling just the same way you do. There are going to be weepy exhausted mums for whom pnd is an issue who would appreciate someone to talk to who understands what they are going through. And who feel equally nervous about going to one of these groups on their own.

Maybe check out your local netmums again?

You've got to go to your doctor again hon, and talk to your hv about how you are feeling. If you don't let people know how you are feeling you are denying yourself possible avenues of help.

I had to start over in a new town some years ago, at a time I was battling depression (but no baby) and do appreciate how difficult it is just to get out the door sometimes, never mind actually talk to people. I joined a local women's group but some nights would just stay in crying cos I was too nervous to go! It was a slightly "cliquey" group as they all knew each other - but they were still welcoming and now years later a couple of them are very close friends and I have recovered from depression with the help of counselling. There is light at the end of the tunnel hon.

It's all about baby steps at the moment and not having any expectations. How would you feel about just going to one of these groups, walking through that door, sitting down in the baby area and playing with your baby with a few toys? Maybe you won't get chatting to any mum on the first occasion (though it would be unusual for you to be totally ignored to be honest!).

Then the second time you go you will be recognised by another mum with a baby your age who sits in the same area with her little one. Natural thing is to smile and say hello. Probably some sort of comment about her baby's hair/smile/outfit would be appropriate - this is how mums get to know each other. Before long you'll be sharing gory birth stories and talking about how crap you feel or how difficult you are finding things. Because most mums with young babies will be having some sort of issue.

Just think of it as going to have a cup of tea and a play with your baby, don't pressurise yourself into thinking you have to make a new friend straight away. These things happen naturally over time. I don't think I really talked to anyone for about 3 weeks when I first went, beyond a "hello". But DD enjoyed the experience so that was the main thing. Now she is 3 and the mums I met there are now good friends and their children are best friends with my daughter.

Try and talk things through with your hv - she will have seen mums in your position a great many times and be possibly able to offer a way through for you.

Do you have a local surestart centre too? The staff there are brilliant and they often run little courses/workshops like baby massage. Maybe a structured activity like this would be less socially difficult for you?

smithyjules

It can be very lonely having a little one and living somewhere new, I've only done the two things separately but that was hard enough.

When my two were first born i found the local Sure Start centre a godsend. Ours is open most of the week and also runs little groups too, cooking, messy play, sensory babies, baby massage etc all free. What I did was pop in when there wasn't a session on so I could meet the staff and then when I went to the sessions there was a friendly familiar face to see as I began the tricky process of meeting other new mums.

if you google Sure Start you should be able to find one local to you, they usually have a whole range of staff from nursery nurses to family support workers etc, which you may find a real support at this time.

take care xx

sandraroffey

where are you living??? PM me, even if its just for chat. i went through this lots of times; my ex husband wanted to keep moving 'for a fresh start' we moved 17 times and each time it was further and further away from my family. i was always on my own, trying to make new friends, as were the kids. you may be near to me?????

Counting_Pennies_2

It is incredibly hard and I feel for you.

The key thing is to recognise your feelings (PND or no PND) and do something about it.

I too am incredibly shy, but I had to push myself to get out there and meet people.

Try contacting NCT and see if they have any coffee groups. Also ask to speak to their PND advisor, most local NCT areas have one.

Have a look locally for any play groups. Many have little baby areas you can sit and have a coffee without like minded mums. You will need to go to a few before you find one you like, so keep hunting. The local council will likely have a link with a childrens information centre that has playgroup lists for your area.

Have a look into sure start if there is one local to you.

Also think about contacting Homestart. I had a lovely lady who came out 2 hours each week to sit and chat, help me get a sleep while she looked after baby. They don't do housework, but will take baby for a walk, help introduce you to local things, sit and chat, help advise.

The key thing for you to do is to meet people. Put a smile on your face when you go in to a play group, remember everyone feels the same about the first time they walk into a place they don't know. The more you smile, the more people will come to chat. If they don't, make a move yourself and ask how old their little one is, that is guaranteed to start a conversation.

In terms of treatment, depending if you have some spare cash, think about going for Cranial Osteopathy. It is recommended on the MIND website as an aid for PND. I regularly go even now for my top up once a month, it totally calms me and leaves me ready to face the world again.

I also took out caffine, sugar and alcohol from my diet, this helped stabalise my emotions, without any ups and downs I found I stopped crying a bit more.

I also wonder about you seeking counselling. The NHS only offer a sticking plaster service of 8 sessions, which is better than nothing, but if you can afford it, I would suggest trying to go privately, http://www.bacp.co.uk/ you can find one local to you on the website link. I think motherhood sometimes brings out a lot of emotions that have been burried deep for decades. You mentioned your parents passing and it is completely understandable that your worries surface at this point. When you are responsible for a child your own mortality really does focus anyway, and you have personal experience which will heighten this worry. It was a real help for me to seek counselling, and I have now had my last session with my lovely counsellor, who I attribute my wellbeing to.

I would go back to your doctor and explain the tablets made you unwell, and that you would like to try some alternative routes (perhaps the ones above I have mentioned) that way the doctor knows. I would also ask the healthvisitor to do the PND test again on you, be honest with the answers. It will give you an indication on how things are, even though you know them deep down, and will be helpful to do it again in a few months when you have put in place some changes.

I just want to reassure you what you are going through is normal, a lot of people experience this, get out there, make your new life. Friends and family from home will still be there, but it is vital you seek new friendships, and a baby is a fantastic conversation starter. I have made many lovely friends through my children!

In time things will improve you will notice a gradual difference, but you need to take charge of it yourself.

Take care

x

Dillence

I was an older first time mum too, which meant most of my local friends had already had theirs, so I didn't really know anyone local to me to go to any groups with. So I found that the best were ones where you were learning something, so baby massage for smaller ones and sing and sign for slightly older babies. That way you get to know people naturally and its up to you how much you talk to other people. It then made things easier when I went to soft play places as there would often be someone from the baby massage class there to talk to.

I may also help to go to you doctor and explain about the tablets.

I know it all felt so much harder on so little sleep.

Take care.
x