Those who are waiting to TTC

walby1993

Evening ladies,

I was posting on here a little while back but "graduated" to the TTC thread. After one unsuccessful cycle we are back to waiting TTC as we are 99% sure DH is being made redundant tomorrow.

Hope you ladies are all well x

euronorris

Sorry to hear that Walby. ((HUGS)) I hope your OH gets to keep his job, and that if not, he finds another one very quickly.

OH has been benefitting from a 30% tax ruling here in NL, whereby the first 30% of his salary isn't taxed. However, new legislation has recently been passed which means that he will no longer receive this tax benefit. Right now, that doesn't affect him, as he is on a net contract (so, effectively, it is employer who is benefitting as his gross salary doesn't have to be so high). However, as they have been trying to prepare a local contract offer for him (which would be a standard gross contract), he's now said that he wouldn't accept it at this point anymore as he will receive less after tax, and that he'd prefer to stay on the secondment contract until 2013 and then switch to a local contract.

To say I am upset is an understatement. I need to talk about this more with him, but basically, I will not be happy if he chooses extra money over having a baby! He earns more than enough for us to live on without the tax break, and I earn a decent wage too, my debts will be clear next year and so on, so why would we need the extra money other than for a bit of greed on his part? Would it be nice? Sure. Is it necessary? No. Would I priortise this over having a family, and waiting an extra 2, possibly even 3 years (if the local contract never materialised and he had to find another job - and he's already stated that he would want to be in a new job for a minimum of 1 year before buying a place and starting a family)? No. And, to be perfectly honest, it upsets me greatly to think that he would. That his priorties are clearly very different to mine if the (excess) money comes first. Are we really compatible if that is the case?

And yet, at the same time, we were at friends this weekend and he was talking about it with them as though we were already trying and saying that having kids is something he's not willing to give up (as his friend was saying that she doesn't, and she's never felt that way). He really, really wants to have children etc. And yet, his actions give me the impression that he doesn't want kids, or that at least they are not as important to him as he says they. I'm so confused. I don't know what to think.

Am I overreacting? Or reading more into this than there is?

I really don't think I can stand the thought of waiting another 3 years before starting to try. I feel like there will be something else to delay it for then, and something else, and something else. I'm really not convinced he wants them, despite what he says. I get the impression that he wants them in theory, but can't bring himself to go through with it in reality.

euronorris

Or maybe, what he means is 'I really want children, just not with you.'

LittleMoog

*hugs* euro, it's so frustrating when your OH isn't on the same page as you. DH and I have been married 5.5 years, and it's really only in the last 6 months that he's come round to the idea of kids "now" as before it was always kids "eventually", whereas I've spent the last 5 years desperately worrying about when we'd start TTC and how we could afford it etc.

Perhaps you should find a quiet day over christmas if you have time off and sit down with him for a heart to hear?

clearing_out_my_pockets

Agree with littlemoog - you really really need to talk to him. You deserve to know where you stand...

((HUG))

bigzippy

Euro, I can well imagine the emotions and thoughts running through your head I'm sure you already know you needed to talk to him about what this latest revelation makes you feel and think. maybe he felt annoyed r like it was a throwaway comment...?? I'm thinking of you

euronorris

Thanks ladies. I know I need to talk to him. Kinda dreading it though, as I can see it descending into an argument, which I don't want. But, at the same time, I do need answers.

I did say, at the time 'I don't want to wait another 2 or 3 years.' to which he said 'yeah, but it's the only way to hold onto the benefit of this money for an extra couple of years.' and then I said 'It's not going to be that much, you don't really need the extra and you're going to lose this tax benefit either way, so you may as well get used to it now, rather than later and have the security of local job.'. He just said mmmm, and went back to thinking about it.

I left it at that point, as he needs to get his head round it, and time to think about what I said too. Plus, he was going to discuss things with work today and see what they say about it. I have also obtained an English newsletter about the changes from my company, and passed that to him so he knows EXACTLY what is going on with it, rather than just word of mouth through his friend. I've reviewed it too, he'll definitely lose the benefit.

emsbet

((hugs)) Euro.

I'm sorry you're being messed around and I hope your OH can be upfront about what he truely wants. It is difficult to know what to do when someone is giving you such mixed signals.
It's unfair of him to keep messing you around and he needs to be upfront with you about what he wants. I think you need to put your foot down and stand up for what you want. It's clear that you (like all of us here) want children more than anything. It's not something that you can or should compromise on. If you keep letting him put it off and for one reason or another it never happens for you, I think you would end up massively resenting your OH.

I hope it works out for you sweetie and you get the answers you need soon.

xx

clearing_out_my_pockets

emsbet wrote: »

((hugs)) Euro.

I'm sorry you're being messed around and I hope your OH can be upfront about what he truely wants. It is difficult to know what to do when someone is giving you such mixed signals.
It's unfair of him to keep messing you around and he needs to be upfront with you about what he wants. I think you need to put your foot down and stand up for what you want. It's clear that you (like all of us here) want children more than anything. It's not something that you can or should compromise on. If you keep letting him put it off and for one reason or another it never happens for you, I think you would end up massively resenting your OH.

I hope it works out for you sweetie and you get the answers you need soon.

xx

^ What she said! :T

LittleMoog

Afternoon all

has anyone else come off the pill in preparation for TTC yet? My skin has gone revolting, not sure if it's the change in hormones or something else. I've always had really good skin, no issues with spots as a teenager, just the odd one here and there. The last 2 months I've had really dry/red/patchy skin on my forehead (hidden by fringe, thank goodness( and on my cheeks, either side of my nose. I've also started getting loads of spots on my chin in the run up to AF meh! I've started moisturising every day, instead of every 2-3 days (never really needed much before) but last night DH asked what was wrong with my face?! :eek: as it looked so sore and red. I was not pleased!

In other news, when we rearranged our bedroom at the weekend we realised that both our chests of drawers are on their last legs, so we may need to replace them so I've been looking at ikea. Currently none of our furniture matches, as it's half from our bedrooms at home and half bought as and when it was needed for as cheap as possible. however IKEA still do the Malm range, which our bedside tables are, so we could get one large set of drawers and a new wardrobe for £305 and finally have matching furniture and get rid of the vile wood and canvas "wardrobe" we have at the moment.

May be heading there at the weekend as we're going to MK for christmas shopping. we've run out of meatballs and sauce anyway...