This affects both of US

End_of_tether_2

I know there are lots of threads on here about pregnancy but they all seem to be mostly for women, obviously.
However my wife and I had a huge falling out last night, we have been trying for a baby for 8 months now, we believe she was pregnant at Christmas, but at what we think was about 8-9 weeks she suffered what we believe is a miscarraige but nothing was ever proven.

My wife stopped taking the pill in the early part of last year in preperation for us trying, we gave her body a good 6 months to settle down as she had been on the pill for many years. Almost as soon as she came off the pill her periods started again and where as regular as clockwork. Then in November she missed one, we took many preganncy tests and all came back negative, then when she missed her second period we sought medical advice and were told they would not investigate anything until she had missed three periods in a row. Well she, and I, were convinced she was pregnant, lots of symptons, tender breasts, stomach cramps, unbelievable tiredeness, sudden disliking of foods she had always loved, sickness and a few others I can't remember. Then just after Christmas she had a really heavy painful period, totally out of sync with her normal period, again we visited the doctor who suggested it might have been a miscarriage, but as we never had a positive result from a pregnancy test then it might not have been. Not very helpful and we where both quite upset.

Anyway we carried on trying and this month she is three weeks late and starting to show signs again, tender breast, cramps, sickness and is extremly tired again. Trouble is we have done numerous tests and again nothing.

The argument flared up as I refused to buy any more tests, as they seem like a waste of money, and she refuses to speak to the doctor as they have been no help up to date. She said I didn't understand and never would as I am a man.

We both desperately want to start a family, everywhere we turn all we see is babies and children. We dont really have anyone to turn to and talk this through with (I am adopted and my adoptive parents never managed to have kids of there own) and the wife lost her mum a few years back and her Dad is not the sort to discuss this with.

How can tests be so unreliable, did we have a miscarriage, am I being unreasonable? What do I/we do next?

I'm at my wits end and hate to see my wife stressing herself out like this (especially as that wont help) but the unknown is killing us at the moment. Not sure I can go through many more months with this "Is she isn't she saga", every month it feels like somebody pulls your heart out and kicks it round a bit more.

Sorry for the long post.

fannyanna

First of all hugs to you.

My husband and I have literally just started trying for a baby and already we've both had so many ups and downs. It really is an emotional rollercoaster and perhaps us ladies forget you guys and forget that you're also on the same ride.

Pregnancy tests don't need to be expensive. If you buy them from the chemist they are but if you buy them online they're cheap as chips. Amazon have 25 ultra sensitive pregnancy tests for £4.58 (with free delivery). You'll find a lot of ladies on these forums use these tests.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ultra-Early-Highly-Sensitive-Pregnancy/dp/B001G61MU4/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1303983169&sr=8-2

It may have been a miscarriage but it may not have been. Stress can lead to missed periods and as you know yourself trying for a baby is a stressful time.

Although the very fact that you both think that you MAY have miscarried I'm sure has been very upsetting to you both.

Give your wife some time. If she's anything like me I bet she's high as a kite one minute and then very down. I'd imagine she's feeling a bit low at the moment. Once she's settled a bit speak to her again about going to the doctors.

Do you know if she's been keeping track of her cycle by using anthing other than her periods? I don't have periods so can't rely on that but you can buy tests to see when you're ovulating and you can also track your temperature to tell when you've entered your fertile period.

SmlSave

Hi End_of_

The pregnancy tests are scarily accurate now, so much so that the Doctors don't generally do tests anymore.

When we were trying every month I would get symptoms because I so desperatly wanted to have them but they were all my mind/body giving me what I wanted.

If you refuse to buy tests with her though she will just buy them herself. My DH has no idea that I tested every month. I think it would be a good idea if you had a chat and agreed one test a month to keep costs down and get a mid-cheap brand.

Stress can cause an irregular cycle but if they continue I would ask the Doc to investigate.

fannyanna

Also there's a thread on here - trying for a baby part six. The ladies on this thread are amazing and very knowledgeable and supportive.

I'm sure you'd be more than welcome on there and you'd probably get some really good advice on how to support your wife/information about the possible miscarriage/what to do next.

Is your wife the type to join the forum. She might also find the thread useful.

sarahevie

I found out I was pregnant with my first child at 29 weeks, after going to the doctor when I must have been about 3 weeks pregnant, as I kept falling over, feeling light headed.

I hadn't been trying for a baby but they did about 6 blood tests to find out what was wrong. Nothing showed. This went on for literally 6 months.

In the end, I was convinced I was dying, I went a different doctor who was herself 30 weeks pregnant, who did a pregnancy test (still negative) although after a certain time they are no longer effective as hormones change.

However, I was so stressed, and she obviously recognised the symptoms, she got a fetal doppler out and we listened to the heartbeat. To say I nearly fell off my chair was an understatement. I thought I had cancer, brain tumour, everything but pregnancy. She examined me and said 12 weeks pregnant.

Sent me for an emergency scan and they dated me as 29 weeks pregnant. My daughter was born exactly 12 weeks later.

12 months later, I started trying for number 2, and after about 12 weeks I wasn't testing as pregnant, but knew I was. With my history the doctor believed me and got the fetal doppler out. A later scan showed I was 14 weeks.

I think its rare but some people don't test as pregnant.

I also have watched friends be convinced they are pregnant, because they want it so badly, when really they are not. If you really think you are though it's worth insisting on trying the doppler (they have them in surgeries and just bring them in on a trolley, only effective after about 10 weeks though I think, before this you can't hear heartbeat.)

End_of_tether_2

Thanks for the kind words.

Fannyanna - I may buy her some of those tests to show that I am not a total scrooge! I have suggested she joins a forum, but she seems to avoid the suggestion whenever she can. Plus the internet seems like it can offer too much information some times, if that makes sense. I have suggested before that she is convincing herself that she has these symptoms, of fitting symptoms to a condition. Christ that sounds harsh.
She very carefully monitors her temperature and has various methods for plotting her fertility with smart phone apps, good old fashioned pen and paper and ovulation sticks. It's quite interesting from a science point of view, but does take some of the romance out of the experience.

SmlSave - I know she buys extra pregnancy tests behind my back, but it is not a big deal to be honest, I am just trying to stop her getting so upset every time they come back negative. The fact that they are so accurate that doctors rely on them is what worries me.

Sarahevie – Its comforting to know somebody else doesn’t test positive on these tests too....although I think in your situation I would have definitely fallen off of the chair!

Thanks again, I guess I just needed a rant.

fannyanna

End_of_tether wrote: »

Thanks for the kind words.

Fannyanna - I may buy her some of those tests to show that I am not a total scrooge! I have suggested she joins a forum, but she seems to avoid the suggestion whenever she can. Plus the internet seems like it can offer too much information some times, if that makes sense It does indeed. I have suggested before that she is convincing herself that she has these symptoms, of fitting symptoms to a condition. Christ that sounds harsh. No perfectly normal. Since trying for a baby I've felt all sorts of tummy aches that I've never felt before and we both think oooh how exciting. It seems to be reminding my husband though that it's more than likely psychosematic
She very carefully monitors her temperature and has various methods for plotting her fertility with smart phone apps, good old fashioned pen and paper and ovulation sticks. It's quite interesting from a science point of view, but does take some of the romance out of the experience. Haha it does a bit doesn't it. And I bet you'd never thought you'd say this but it also makes it a bit of a chore. My husband still at the stage where it's all a novelty but I'm sure that will soon wear off :rotfl:

SmlSave - I know she buys extra pregnancy tests behind my back, but it is not a big deal to be honest, I am just trying to stop her getting so upset every time they come back negative. I think you both need to accept that this is going to happen whilst you're actively trying. I'm not sure there are many people out there with the willpower to just wait and see what happens. The fact that they are so accurate that doctors rely on them is what worries me.

Sarahevie – Its comforting to know somebody else doesn’t test positive on these tests too....although I think in your situation I would have definitely fallen off of the chair!

Thanks again, I guess I just needed a rant. Of course you do. It's a huge step in your relationship (and your life) deciding to start a family and it's also very stressful trying to conceive. You know your wife needs a bit of support every now and then and you're just finding out that every now and then you're going to need a bit of support too. And it's difficult because your wife probably isn't in the right frame of mind to give you that support. So come on here and feel free to rant whenever you want - you'll feel a lot better for it.

How silly I can't post my response as it's less than 10 characters. It's all up there

euronorris

If she's tracking her temps and using ovulation sticks, have these confirmed that she has ovulated?

End_of_tether_2

Fannyanna - That's hilarious....."My husband still at the stage where it's all a novelty but I'm sure that will soon wear off"......lets just say it help pass some of the colder winter nights. I am very appreciative of your replies, you've put the biggest smile on my face that i've had for days.

Euronorris - She has been monitoring her temperature for 6 months or so and there always seesm to be a very distinct peak in temperature that is normally seen. This month was the first moth we tried the ovulation sticks, and we went away for a mini break at the right time. Despite monitoring temperatures somebody (me!!!) forgot to pack the magic sticks so we can not be 100% sure, however everyother month the timings and temperature seem to have corresponded.

euronorris

End_of_tether wrote: »

Fannyanna - That's hilarious....."My husband still at the stage where it's all a novelty but I'm sure that will soon wear off"......lets just say it help pass some of the colder winter nights. I am very appreciative of your replies, you've put the biggest smile on my face that i've had for days.

Euronorris - She has been monitoring her temperature for 6 months or so and there always seesm to be a very distinct peak in temperature that is normally seen. This month was the first moth we tried the ovulation sticks, and we went away for a mini break at the right time. Despite monitoring temperatures somebody (me!!!) forgot to pack the magic sticks so we can not be 100% sure, however everyother month the timings and temperature seem to have corresponded.

OK, when you she sees the peak, is this after a dip? As I understand it, our temps drop on the day of actual ovulation and start to rise afterwards. Only after 3 continuous rises have occurred (after the dip) can ovulation be confirmed. It's a little more confusing than that, but that's the general idea.

How about an online tool like fertility friend? It will help her to track her cycle and figure out what are normal pre period signs and what might be a pregnancy sign. Also, if she is temping each day, it will automatically detect your ovulation day. So....if she's kept a record so far, she could input the info there and see what it says regarding ovulation day.

Please bear in mind that although she was regular at first, it isn't uncommon for women to have erratic periods in the first year after coming off the pill.

I hope that helps.

spaghetti_monster

Hi, and sorry to hear about your situation.
I was trying for a long time and I would second fannyanna's suggestion to buy the cheap tests in the link. I did the same (also with ovulation tests) and felt better that I always had loads of tests at home and could test whenever and however much I liked without thinking about the cost.
After starting out trying to conceive in a relaxed, "let's see how it goes" way, after quite a while and a miscarriage (and an irregular cycle) I felt much much better to make more effort: ie. charting my temperature, using the ovulation tests, using pregnancy tests. That's where I'd put my effort/energy and the rest of the time try not to stress/think too much about it. This was also better for our sex-life too - not thinking constantly is this the right time or not?

A massive cliche: in the end our son was conceived on holiday. I wasn't using any tests as according to my calculations I was nowhere near ovulating. We were just totally relaxed, not thinking about it and having fun!