advice re:messy house with kids

clearingout

how are you getting on? did you call the police? If I were in this situation today, with my head screwed on and without the emotion of it all, I would do the following:
a) call Police and get incident number
b) call solicitor first thing in the morning and say son as been taken by dad and you want him back. You might need to be very assertive about this.
c) I wouldn't call ex AT ALL, I wouldn't text him or e-mail him. That's what he wants - to know he's upset you/is upsetting you. Equally, don't threaten him with 'I'm seeing my solicitor tomorrow so you'd better bring him back now....' Silence is everything!

I guess the solicitor will see it one of two ways. They'll either say he's not at risk and ex has said he'll return him at the end of the week so wait till then and if he doesn't, then we'll take action. Or they'll think action is appropriate immediately - it is possible to get what is called an ex parte hearing with a judge on the same day (you literally go to court, pay your money and wait.....until a judge has 5 minutes to see you). If the judge agrees the situation is wrong, they would make an order that your son be returned to you immediately. Your solicitor will know whether this is appropriate in this situation (it might be a bit 'too much' - I'm not sure).

Whatever happens - this is the important bit - this incident needs logging with the solicitor and a letter needs to go to your ex saying it is not to happen again. You should then consider whether you want a residency order yourself (am inclined to think you might) which will give you an element of 'control' over your children's whereabouts which you don't have with a more fluid arrangement. I think more importantly, a residency order will show the ex you're not to be messed with.

Take care today. Use the time to relax and work out your next move.

blue_monkey_2

excellent advice clearing out. OP, you must do this, do not let these 2 men control you.

bonjovibel_729

clearingout wrote: »

how are you getting on? did you call the police? If I were in this situation today, with my head screwed on and without the emotion of it all, I would do the following:
a) call Police and get incident number
b) call solicitor first thing in the morning and say son as been taken by dad and you want him back. You might need to be very assertive about this.
c) I wouldn't call ex AT ALL, I wouldn't text him or e-mail him. That's what he wants - to know he's upset you/is upsetting you. Equally, don't threaten him with 'I'm seeing my solicitor tomorrow so you'd better bring him back now....' Silence is everything!

I guess the solicitor will see it one of two ways. They'll either say he's not at risk and ex has said he'll return him at the end of the week so wait till then and if he doesn't, then we'll take action. Or they'll think action is appropriate immediately - it is possible to get what is called an ex parte hearing with a judge on the same day (you literally go to court, pay your money and wait.....until a judge has 5 minutes to see you). If the judge agrees the situation is wrong, they would make an order that your son be returned to you immediately. Your solicitor will know whether this is appropriate in this situation (it might be a bit 'too much' - I'm not sure).

Whatever happens - this is the important bit - this incident needs logging with the solicitor and a letter needs to go to your ex saying it is not to happen again. You should then consider whether you want a residency order yourself (am inclined to think you might) which will give you an element of 'control' over your children's whereabouts which you don't have with a more fluid arrangement. I think more importantly, a residency order will show the ex you're not to be messed with.

Take care today. Use the time to relax and work out your next move.

hi there thanks for the reply rang the police last night but they refused to do anythin wouldnt even give me an incident number as they said its a civil matter and they cant get involved the y advised me to ring the solicitor which i was gonna do anyway so waste of time there lol....

when we go to court in may for the contact issue will ask the solictor to apply for residency at the same time...feeling a lot calmer today....my daughters are due to come home any minute tho and either having himnot turn up or cause me more aggro is not good for my stress levels.;)

ifonlyitwaseasier

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

hi there thanks for the reply rang the police last night but they refused to do anythin wouldnt even give me an incident number as they said its a civil matter and they cant get involved the y advised me to ring the solicitor which i was gonna do anyway so waste of time there lol....

when we go to court in may for the contact issue will ask the solictor to apply for residency at the same time...feeling a lot calmer today....my daughters are due to come home any minute tho and either having himnot turn up or cause me more aggro is not good for my stress levels.;)

they can do something about it, ring back ask for the duty sergeant, explain that he's not returned with bub's and you are worried for bub's safety as he won't answer his phone or tell you where they are.

clearingout

ifonlyitwaseasier wrote: »

they can do something about it, ring back ask for the duty sergeant, explain that he's not returned with bub's and you are worried for bub's safety as he won't answer his phone or tell you where they are.

I agree. You need an incident number and the police know that. The other thing I thought about later was asking to speak with their domestic abuse staff and getting it recorded there as well. They may go through a questionnaire with you and register you as 'at risk'. Don't worry if he's never hit you or been abusive, they can decide whether there's an issue or not. I specifically remember them asking a question about 'unresolved issues with residency of children' so it's obviously something which can result in abuse. Might be another way around it for you?

anonymousie

Sorry nor read the whole thread but in reply to the OP that's normal IMHO!!

As long as the kitchen and bathroom are basically hygienic mess goes with kids. Soc Services would be a hell of a lot more worried if the kids were in an immaculate shiny clean house and were never allowed to breathe let alone play for fear of " the mess"..

meritaten

hun - you do not actually KNOW where your child is right now. you suspect the father has taken him to his parents but you DONT know this! I would ring the police again and insist on talking to a senior officer! tell him/her that your child hasnt been brought back as YOU arranged and that there is no-one at the exes address. YOU do not know where your child is. you are reporting that child as a missing person. you want the names of everyone you speak to at the police station. if you are asked if you think the child is at risk 'How the hell would you know as you dont know where the child is'. if they ask if the father would hurt the child, again 'How would you know that as you dont know where the child is or who is looking after him'?

blue_monkey_2

I agree. I think you need to get firm - and also tell your solicitor the same thing in the morning.

Stephb1986_2

It's kidnap at the end of the day it was done without your consent. As for being a bad mum I don't think you are your obviously having a hard time and doing the best you can, as long as your kids are fed and in clean clothes SS won't do anything.

Theres a woman over the road from me she has 3 kids her husband left her about 2 years ago even before he left her the house was a sh it tip and I mean really bad, I'm not the tidiest of people but by god I've never seen anything like it in my life. You can hardly open the front door for letters on the floor they don't get moved just scattered around the hall way, you go into the living room theres piles upon piles of washing/ironing/sh ite/ toys manky food plates etc etc it's all over the floor too same in the dining room in the kitchen the floor is filthy and yet more clothes scattered everywhere. I've never been upstairs thank god. She's now been with a new bloke for about 18 months he is as lazy and bone idle as her they don't work and yet the house is like something off the yellow pages advert from years ago remember where someone had thought the guy had been broken into and really it was just his mess?? This house is worse than that.

The kids are left to fend for themselves aged 11,7 and 4 the 11 year old makes tea for the others he puts the bins out on bin day even clears up their ale bottles and takes himself and the others to school before them two have got out of their pit. He then picks them up from school on his way home and gives them their tea they are then allowed to play out in the front garden it's not fenced off round here it's a quiet estate mainly older people but Travis and perkins vans fly up and down doing atleast a good 35mph you get the odd boy racers too and motorbikes UPS is like a mad man too. The youngest one was out the otherday on the front he nearly got took out by a car while they are in bed too don't forget this last week the kids are out playing from 8:30am while they are in bed she can't seem to keep her legs closed. The middle child was on her bike riding from her next door neighbours driveway straight across the road onto our side of the road not even looking for cars!!! They are totally neglected.

She has a cat that she doesn't feed either new neighbours moved in next door but one to her they've took her cat in because they have one they de flea it and everything worm it etc. She's on about getting a kitten!! The fella she's seeing has two kids aswell and they are just left to their own devices while they are upstairs they spend all evening upstairs and the kids downstairs doing whatever.

A few times I've thought about reporting her to SS but didn't know what to do for the best.

Maybe if you were as bad as her SS might do something but by the sounds of it your not so don't worry about it.

Hugs

Steph xx

pigpen

Steph.. report them! You'd never forgive yourself if something happened and you hadn't done something to try to stop it. The chances are you won't be the first and SS are already involved but you can't rely on that.