advice re:messy house with kids

tizerbelle

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

hi thanks so much for taking the time to reply i feel a lot better knowing that other people think im 'normal' lol:rotfl:

Not sure I called you "normal" - how boring would that be?! Be eccentric; quirky; unique; special; individual. No one is normal, we may live typical lives but that doesn't mean we are normal! If you have normal, you have to have abnormal - not a good word in any sense.

I was worried that your posts were showing you were going down the road of starting to believe numpty and twerp's opinions and focusing on that narrow-minded thought about a towel on a bathroom floor making you a bad mum. People do that, they get 99% of something right but stress about the 1% that didn't go right, instead of congratulating themselves on the 99%. Numpty and twerp know this, it's why they say things like that. So you just needed a reminder from someone totally outside the situation who can see the "big picture" and help you remember what it looks like.

So your orders for this easter weekend are to keep the big picture firmly in your mind, stuff the housework, sod numpty and twerp and have fun with your kids doing whatever you and they want to do as a family building memories together and if you create a mess, who cares.

barbiedoll

I visit a lot of family homes for my job and I recently went to a house with 4 kids and a newborn baby and there was not a thing out of place. No toys lying around, no magazines or books, no clothes, nappies, tubs of cream or packs of wipes and no cups or plates anywhere. In contrast, I also went to one which was an absolute tip. If I didn't know differently, I would have thought that it had been burgled, it was completely horrible! Food wrappers all over the floor, dirty crockery everywhere, heaps of yellowing newspapers and books piled everywhere and it smelled really nasty. (The owner was a middle-class woman, she and her kids always look immaculate and she is a teacher! :eek:)

The point is......both scenarios are completely normal to their owners. Some people are very tidy and some are not. Some are bothered about mess and clutter, and some just don't see it as a problem. Social Services really aren't bothered by a messy house, nor are most kids! Personally, I like to see children living in a home where they are free to play, make a mess and to enjoy their childhood. I can't see why people have kids if they want to live in a show house, it sounds like too much hard work to me!

A friend of mine had her sick dad staying with her recently. We went to visit him and he was eating a sandwich for his lunch. As soon as he finished, she made him take his plate out to the kitchen and she then got out her "dustbuster" and proceeded to vacuum around his chair where he had dropped a few crumbs! At my house, you can eat what you want, and the crumbs stay there until vacuuming day (every third Thursday of the month! :rotfl::rotfl:)

Pee

Some men are great at noticing that housework needs doing without being able to do very much of it themselves. (I've never met a woman who falls into this catergory, but I guess they might exist.) Take a deep breath and remember you have to be as pleasant and reasonable with him as possible because of the children, but you had a very lucky escape there. What a horrid man.

Also, the reason for this grump is likely as not to do with his car playing up, rent being overdue, boss being grumpy etc and very unlikely to really be about the state of the house.

clearingout

hello
Have just read the first few posts on this thread. My ex was a total nightmare - I AM an untidy person, I can live with a layer of dust and frankly don't mind if the children's bedrooms are untidy. What I DO manage to do, however, is keep the hallways, bathroom, front room and kitchen clean and tidy all of the time (so I can have visitors in at very short notice and not worry about how everything looks - doors shut on everything else!) and we blitz the mess around once every 14 days. Our home is not a show home, nor are we living in squalor. It's exactly that - a home.

Ex reported me to Social Services with a long list of complaints which included there being food on the floor (probably at 9am when I'd just got them out to school, yes!), the children being covered in fleas (he had animals, not me!), 'unexplained' bruising on all three children (never asked me to explain but certainly no unusual bruising or anything you wouldn't expect to see in healthy, active children), the baby at the time having 'green poo' (I assume this was mean to mean I wasn't feeding him properly), that I had post natal depression and wasn't seeking help for it (not that he's qualified to diagnose me seeing me 2 minutes on the doorstep once a week, nor could he have possibly known if I had help or not), amongst other 'lesser' issues.

Social Services didn't even come out to me - we had a 20 minute discussion on the phone, they were satisfied with my answers and the case was closed. I could be wrong, but I suspect Social Service duty teams deal an awful lot with exs making this kind of accusation so unless there is more independent evidence of your living in total squalor (ie one of your neighbours has also made an accusation or the school has shown some concern to Social Services), I would be surprised if they do visit you.

Try not to worry about the residency thing - been there and done that as well! PM me if you want any support with it. I know it's worrying but I am sure you will be fine with it.

mummyplus3

He sounds like a first class n00bhead. I wouldnt worry about it he is just trying to wind you up. Your house sounds perfectly "normal"

liney

Was he a neat freak when you lived together? My friends ex was abit 'Sleeping with the enemy'.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

He's just being a !!!!!!. As is the other one.

Don't worry so much about the residency application, as I think you'd have to be violent to your children for them to decide to split your children up, don't worry about number one being spiteful either, as it probably means he isn't getting his leg over at the moment.

As long as your children are relatively clean - ie, not crawling with nits for months on end - are well fed - and the only things on the floor are toys and bits and pieces, rather than old food, full nappies and dog muck - it'll be fine.

Having said that, it might make you feel better to have a big box to dump all the stuff into, just so you can't see it all the time. But I have seen some seriously dirty places in my time - like !!!!!! wiped over the walls, trodden down nappies, dogs crapping everywhere, children covered in flea bites, drink issues, drug issues, mental health issues, domestic violence, criminal behaviour and none of those children were even visited. So I don't think that a few toys and a soggy towel (why do they do that? My DD does it as well) is grounds for an overworked social worker to come out.

Dippypud

OP your doing fine, as other people have said he's being a @rs*.

He's hit a nerve, and your feeling a bit vunerable, maybe hormones or the long easter break. We all feel like this now and again

My kids are in their late teens, early twenties now, they still leave a mess in their wake and need reminding to 'pick it up'.

Your 'normal', your family is 'normal', dont worry, dont listen to him, but DO save all texts etc, just incase.

Good luck and big hugs

bonjovibel_729

hi just wanna say thanks for the advice and reassurance on this issue i think a poster was correct when they said he hit a nerve he knows exactly how to wind me up and knew this would ruin my weekend...am guessing he had a bad day at work or the issue with my sons father has arisen either way who cares have just been out in the garden to find all the 'dangerous' things and clear them up but i honestly cannot see anythin dangerous out there unless he is talkin about a piece of wood my son has been rolling his cars down...why are exes always such a**holes lol

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

...why are exes always such a**holes lol

Because if they weren't, they would still be your OH.

:cool: