So Sad Needs Advice

jtr2803

I normally pop on and read these threads but it is rare I ever post on them but I can identify with a lot of what you have posted. My ex sounds very similar to your partner and some of the other partners discussed. He proposed after a year but whenever I mentioned a wedding I was told not to be stupid and that we could never have afforded it. He also had free reign of a brand new car I bought, then told me if I wanted him to come and see me I would have to put petrol in the car for him. At the time I gave into it all because, I, like you, was too afraid of being alone.

Eventually we split up because he claimed to want to have a family and marriage but he never made any more towards it, he even suggested that I get a flat and he could move in and just pay for food. Makes me so mad in hindsight. The first few months after we split were hell for me, I remember playing solitaire on the PC until 7.20pm on a friday night and then just getting into bed and crying because I had no friends (he made sure of that), no money (he made sure of that too) and no confidence. The two years I spent single after that relationship were some of the most enjoyable of my life and I don't regret them for a second! Women get through these things because we HAVE to, no man is worthy of crying yourself to sleep over. If he wont commit then move on, it just means he isn't the right man for you. All the time you stay with this guy aren't you just delaying the arrival of prince charming

My prince charming did arive and we have been together for almost 3 years now, he buys me flowers every month, he cooks for me most nights and he would hand over every penny in his bank account if I needed it....that's a proper relationship.

If he DOES decide to move in then you must make sure he pays his way, nothing is free in this life and from the sounds of it, he may be in for a massive shock when he does choose to fly the nest. Out of interest what excuses does he come up with to not move in? Is it possible he is in debt which is why he lives at home and he is too scared to admit to it? Unlikely but just a thought.....

threemuttleys

OP, Firstly ((hugs))

Do you really want a future with this man, or are you just afraid of being alone (i suspect its the second one?) Can you see yourself in a few years with this man (struggling to pay the mortgage, clothes the kids, while he is off to his mums?) A relationship shouldnt make you this unhappy, and he shouldnt be letting you feel this crap either

I suggest that this evening (or as soon as is possible) you have a sit down, and a good and proper heart to heart. Put your cards on the table, tell him what you want/need and how you are feeling. Explain the money situation, you need a lodger or for him to move in/start paying his way. If he is not moved in by Sunday night. Then here is my advice

1. Very Large Pizza (or fave takeaway)
2. One Very Large bar of chocolate (my choice would be Cadburys WholeNut)
3. One very disgusting pudding (I wholeheartedly recommend a whole New York Cheesecake)
4. Copious amounts of alcohol (I suggest Cider, Rose and then Malibu)
5. A good girlie Movie (or 5)

Wake up in the morning with a hangover/indigestion. But this will be your fresh start, fresh day and a chance to get your life back on track.

Again, big big hugs.

Tuesday_Tenor

Hi So Sad

Looks like you're getting lots of food for thought. Some ideas from others will conflict and only you can work out what's right for you, as we on here don't have the whole picture.

>> if he doesn't within a set time frame (a few weeks, a month?) then you get a lodger

Personally, I'd think I'd:
(a) Get him to pay his way re consumables, as that will address most of your financial issues.

(b) Get a lodger sooner rather than later, anyway. Ideally the temporary/part-time sort for the time being. BF has had 8 months to move in; he's lost his chance for the moment.

This will give you and bf a bit of a breathing space to really think what you want. If BF kicks up over either (a) or (b), both of which are reasonable in the circumstances, then that will tell you a lot about him and you should DEFINITELY move on without him.

If you get a lodger BF might not spend so much time with you. His choice, and speaks volumes.

Part 2

You also need to get over the fear of being alone. Then you won't be pressurised (by current bf or anyone else in future) into compromises which are TOO much for you. (Some compromise is always necessary; feeling you're not you any more, or not valued, or being taken advantage of, isn't).

Cultivate friends, interests and a mind-set which will allow you to be reasonably happy whatever happens.

I think (hope!) it might be reassuraung to know that some people can be happy on their own. It might not be for you, but it's not something to panic over. Be relaxed about both (a) trying living on your own and (b) taking steps to meet people when you want/need to.

The happiEST years of my life have been spent in two very special relationships. (8 and 6 years respectively).

However, I've also spent long periods (6+ years) alone as the two almost-soul-mates eventually didn't want the same things as I did long-term.

(I'm a female tenor, by the way!)

Alone in my 30s I was reasonably happy, with home, lodgers, fulfilling career, friends and a wide variety of interests and comittments. Though always expecting to meet Mr.Right.

Alone in my 50s I'm VERY happy. I worked flipping hard for 30 years, paid off the mortgage and can now afford not to work for a while and am planning various travels, alone but to visit friends all over the world. This means leaving behind a full and enjoyable life that I love and that I'll pick up on my return.

Ending the first relationship aged 28 was very sad but there was never any ill-feeling as he'd always said he didn't want children; I just hoped he'd change his mind in a few years! He didn't, and I wanted to leave myself enough time to find somebody else to have children with. We stayed good friends for many years. (Till his new partner coulldn't cope with our friendship). I then spent my 30s alone as I DIDN'T meet the person to have a family with and then had an early menopause before I was 40. So don't leave it too late, but don't panic yet either.

So in my 40s I was a bit sad about not having had a family, but instead my health was brilliant (no PMT or period pains hooray!) and I had loads of energy for setting up my own business and I met a special man who'd already had children and wouldn't have wanted more even if I'd still been able to have them. In many ways being with him was the most fun and exciting time of my life, but eventually he changed (or started being more true to himself?) and wanted different things to me.

Everyone's life story is different. That's mine (so far). My best friend had the happy family time with husband and child but is now widowed. I wouldn't have wanted her husband or her career, or coping with her child at same time as terminally-ill husband, and certainly not her widowhood. She's had certain blessings in her life; I've had others.

You don't know who or what is going to cross your path in life. If you and BF have something special and you can help him mature from his current position, then explore that further.

But otherwise don't let yourself be tied down or dragged down by somoen who isn't right for you. Being alone can be much better than that. Really!

Some words from Louis MacNeice's poem 'Autumn Journal' have stuck with me for years. Written in 1938 with the threat of war in the air. (Best read out loud, slowly):

'September has come and I wake
And I think with joy how whatever, now or in future,
the system
Nothing whatever can take
The people away, there will always be people
For friends or for lovers though perhaps
The conditions of love will be changed and its vices
diminished
And affection not lapse
Into narrow possessiveness, jealousy founded on vanity'.

So, in summary: enjoy life, enjoy people, try not to hurt anyone deliberately, but learn to enjoy your own company too. Good luck whatever you explore and decide over the next few weeks.

SOSAD_2

Thank you all so much for the advice, I have read it all carefully and taken in on board. Thanks to Tuesday for your life story so far, was interesting to read!

My boyfriend is such a good guy in all other ways and is very affectionate and loving. He does have some small debt, nothing out of the ordinary or different from me.

This would be so much easier if he were a horrible person - but he isn't. I feel that he isn't very mature and is probably worried about moving out of his parents. All this I understand, but he doesn't explain his reluctance and I can only guess.

We will see what the weekend brings.

SOSAD_2

janninew wrote: »

Hugs to you OP.

I have also been in a similar relationship and know how hard it is. All my family told me he wasn't right for me and that I was wasting my time. I carried on and hoped he would change, then one day I'd had enough. You will only end this when you are ready and that is the sad truth.

I wish you all the best OP.

As a side thought to the money issue, would you be entitled to working tax credits? Not sure what your income is or what the cut off point is - worth looking into though.

I looked into your suggestion of tax credits, but it seems I earn to much (just!)

Its hard work though paying for a house, running a car, and keeping 2 dogs on a single, smallish salery. There never seems to be anything left for fun.

janninew

SOSAD wrote: »

I looked into your suggestion of tax credits, but it seems I earn to much (just!)

Its hard work though paying for a house, running a car, and keeping 2 dogs on a single, smallish salery. There never seems to be anything left for fun.

Why don't you pop onto the debt free wannabe and ask for advice? They seem to be very friendly from what I've read and will probably be able to offer you some ways to tighten your belt.

Times are hard at the moment, but from having a younger sister in a low paid job, the young, childless seem to be sometimes forgotten about.

ailuro2

OP, your man isn't ready to move in yet by the sound of things.

But he does like having you to visit whenever he fancies a bit of company, if you see what I mean without it sounding too cheeky!

You could have a female lodger, if he's not paying the mortgage or worrying about where the money is coming from for the next gas bill then he has no right whatsoever to complain about you taking in a lodger.

Actions speak louder than words, and right now all he's come up with is deathly silence.

Tell him over a glass of wine that you're not managing to pay for it all on your own and you need a housemate to split the bills with. since he hasn't taken you up on your offer then you need to find someone who will before you end up deeper into debt.

Tuesday_Tenor

SoSad

I'm intrigued by what sort of 'excuses' can stop him moving in so many times ... This is the bit that has me most concerned.

You're right to be feeling that the next few days must be 'make or break' time.

Whatever happens I hope you can change your username to:

So Happy - to have boyfriend living here and it's great!
OR
So Happy - to have had all that misery lifted now that immature, free-loading committment-phobe is gone. On with the rest of life!

TT

make_me_wise

SOSAD wrote: »

I'm sat here crying now to myself. The thought of not being with him is so hard and to go through another painful split is such a horrible thought.

I really struggled after my divorce, I would just sit in the front room in the dark all weeked, not eating, not seeing anybody. I can't go back to being that person.

I know it sounds pathetic, but I wonder if feeling like I am at the moment is better than being alone.

Oh hun have a huge (((hug))). I have never gone through all you have. Splitting up with anyone is hard and painful, but after a while you will move on from it. It is then from that moment that you can live happily and one day someone will come along that makes you happy and feel really wanted.

What you are in at the moment isn't a proper relationship. Your boyfriend has you in limbo land not knowing where you are at with him. He is behaving like an imature teen not someone in their late 20s. How many more nights are you going to cry yourself to sleep over him? He is not worth you making yourself so upset and anxious about, that is not love.

make_me_wise

threemuttleys wrote: »

1. Very Large Pizza (or fave takeaway)
2. One Very Large bar of chocolate (my choice would be Cadburys WholeNut)
3. One very disgusting pudding (I wholeheartedly recommend a whole New York Cheesecake)
4. Copious amounts of alcohol (I suggest Cider, Rose and then Malibu)
5. A good girlie Movie (or 5)

:T:beer::T

I like the way you think. Am going to go out of my way to have a bad day tomorrow just so I can console myself doing the above, lol.