So Sad Needs Advice

gingin_2

SOSAD wrote: »

They have made me feel a little better, people on here are very kind.

People quite often aren't kind on here so I think it's testament to the fact that it is a common albeit still hurtful situation and there are a lot of people who can relate and sympathise to where you are.

Quite often you get people posting who are absolute low ( perhaps like you now), who can't see a way out but and then in 3, 6, 12 months time they are still here posting but from a totally different angle, as the positive ones, who did get out and can offer the next person advice.... I can see that being you :-)

Tuesday_Tenor

My own comment:
>>>> Bringing the boyfrind back in .... What does he expect you to do if you're struggling financially and he doesn't want to move in with you? Ask him for practical solutions, as two heads are better than one. Are there other options? Does he want you to move in with him?

Having read your subsequent posts he doesn't sound very practical, resouceful, wordly-wise in a mature way, so wouldn't expect much from him in terms of other solutions. [And then, why do you want him to be the father of your children?]

I think you should go ahead with plans to brighten up your life: lodger, other interests or (given financial need) some extra work.
[Depending on your current job, of course] I'd avoid extra interests/jobs on the computer but find a something that is a bit sociable (bar/reception/shop work at w/e?), or even just delivering leaflets gives you exercise. (Better, at the moment, than paying for exercise!)

Make it clear to boyfriend that you need some income from lodger or extra work so you might not have quite so much free time this summer. Then, depending how boyfriend reacts, you might grow closer or further apart over the next fw months..

No need to make irrevocable decisions, you're still fairly young. But also, no need to be living in a situation that makes you miserable if it doesn't resolve itself in a few months.

Good luck!

SOSAD_2

Craftyscholar wrote: »

If he is aware of your financial situation why in Hades isn't he offering to help you?

To be honest I've never asked him for money, after splitting with my ex I've struggled on, taking the house into my sole name and paying the mortgage. I'm quite a proud person and like being independant. It was a massive deal for me asking him to move in and share my home with him. If he had just been honest back then and said he wasn't ready, that would have been ok, I just feel like I've been lied to and strung along.

When I look back though, I do feel he should have at least bought the shopping every now and then, he does eat half the food that I buy!

fannyanna

SOSAD wrote: »

I know we can't carry on as we have done, I'm just scared.

Change is never easy and uncertain futures are scary. But as I said before you got through the break-up of your first marriage so you know you are a strong woman and that you will survive this break-up (if that's what you decide is best for YOU).

x x x

Tuesday_Tenor

>>>> he spends around 4 nights and the full weekend at mine,

And he's paying NOTHING towards this?

Looks like you've just found your £90/month to make up your deficit ... !

Assuming he's at work all day, he spends more time at your house than at his parents. So it may be reasonable that his payment to parents is a token one.

What's NOT reasonable is the (lack of) amount he's paying you.

OK, maybe you don't need/want rent, but he should be contributing for what he consumes: food, heat etc.

Again, sorting this out will reveal more about you both ...

emsbet

SOSAD wrote: »

What would make me really happy is if we lived together and got on with our lives like people in love do! We've had heart to hearts and he says he does really want babies and marriage and to have a family live together, but he's been saying the same for 8 months and we are no nearer to anything.

I do feel so much anxiety and upset, I've cried myself to sleep for the past week with the upset.

I'm just not sure what to do anymore.

((hugs)) to you.

I really feel for you and understand where you are coming from. I know it's hard but if a relationship is making you feel this way it is no good! I was in a realationship that made me feel this way, and I clung on to it for dear life even when it was already past saving because I, like you was scared of being alone and scared of how hard it would be to get over him.
But you are are aware of what the divorce did to you and the person you became and so you can take steps to ensure you do not become that person again.
When my previous relationship ended (after we dragged it out for almost a year!) I had to live alone for the first time ever and it was really tough but I decided that I wasn't going to sit at home and feel bad for myself - he was out having a good time so why couldn't I be?! I made sure that I went out whenever friends invited me and invited myself if they didn't
After some time I fell in love with a friend, who is now my husband and I am the happiest I've ever been.
Do you have a group of friends you can go out with, meet some new people? If not maybe as others have suggested get a sociable part-time job.
You've waited 8 long months for this guy to move that's long enough! As others have said you need to have a conversation with him about him moving in and if he doesn't within a set time frame (a few weeks, a month?) then you get a lodger. You shouldn't be struggling for money on the off chance that he might grow up and move in and he shouldn't expect you to!


xx

Slinky

Sorry, but I'm getting cross on your behalf. Eight months to make your mind up about moving in with the person you say you love?

He's staying 4 nights a week and all weekend, but doesn't actually 'live' there and contribute to the bills?

Draw from the strength within, get rid, get yourself a lodger and move on. Being alone has to be better than being unappreciated by somebody who can't quite let go of their ex. Or their mum.

SOSAD_2

Slinky wrote: »

Sorry, but I'm getting cross on your behalf. Eight months to make your mind up about moving in with the person you say you love?

He's staying 4 nights a week and all weekend, but doesn't actually 'live' there and contribute to the bills?

Draw from the strength within, get rid, get yourself a lodger and move on. Being alone has to be better than being unappreciated by somebody who can't quite let go of their ex. Or their mum.

It makes me cringe a bit inside when other people say it. It has been a long 8 months and at the last count we have had 7 dates when he is moving in, then another excuse appears. He is supposed to move in this weekend - I don't think he will. If by Tuesday he isn't living here with me, that's it for me.

janninew

Hugs to you OP.

I have also been in a similar relationship and know how hard it is. All my family told me he wasn't right for me and that I was wasting my time. I carried on and hoped he would change, then one day I'd had enough. You will only end this when you are ready and that is the sad truth.

I wish you all the best OP.

As a side thought to the money issue, would you be entitled to working tax credits? Not sure what your income is or what the cut off point is - worth looking into though.

ViolaLass

Pretend you can't hear anything he's been saying; what do his actions tell you?