So Sad Needs Advice

Nimeth

SOSAD wrote: »

What would make me really happy is if we lived together and got on with our lives like people in love do! We've had heart to hearts and he says he does really want babies and marriage and to have a family live together, but he's been saying the same for 8 months and we are no nearer to anything.

I do feel so much anxiety and upset, I've cried myself to sleep for the past week with the upset.

I'm just not sure what to do anymore.

I think it's time that the two of you sat down and had a good heart to heart again. You need to tell him this is what is required for you to be able to afford your house and bills. Tell him the part in bold, just as you've written it but also emphasize that if he isn't going to be moving in anytime soon, you will be getting a lodger as you need the income. If he moves in with you, then he may have a say in whether a lodger comes in or not but until then it's your house, your rules!

Ask him where he sees himself 5, 10 and 15 years into the future. If it's with you, you ought to tell him that he needs to start working on making that happen if it's what he really wants. If he won't, then you don't need to wait around on him to make up his mind.

gonzo127

ok probably not what you want to hear but jesus this guy must be a god amounst his friends,

free (or virtually free) lodgings, no bills, probably no need to cook, clean, do the washing, iron or any of the other boring stuff, has a girlfriend who he can go to eat out of house and home, get laid, but has no real commitment too but is still able to tell her to do what he wants and is able to do what he wants (talk to old GF)

if your relationship carrys on this same track you will end up as the peverbial doormat to be walked all over when ever he feels like it, and all because of your fear of being alone, you really need to realise your own worth, and give him the choice to either step up or sod off, no one deserves to be strung along like you are at the moment.

fannyanna

I will apologise now as what I am going to say is harsh and I am so sorry as I really do not mean to be cruel to you (and I would porbably be doing the same as you) but I think sometimes people need a bit of a kick to get moving in life and find happiness.

This man is taking you for a ride and you are letting him as you are so desperate to not be alone!

You have two choices:

• Stay with him. He might change and all may be wonderful. I however get the impression that he's just not at that stage of life yet where he wants to settle down. Remember men are generally more immature than woman. So you stay with him and carry on being miserable for x years as he's not able to give you what you want. You then finally have enough and break up with him and are miserable because you've wasted precious years of your life on him when you could have met someone else.
• Move on. Yes you will be miserable and yes you will feel lonely. But you know what. You can do something about it. You can go out and socialise and keep yourself busy and do the things that you want to do (and not be dictated by old grumpy that doesn't even want you to have a lodger). You'll get over him. You've moved on from your ex husband. It may have been hard but you've done it. And well done you! You know that you've done it before so you know that you can do it again.

Once again I'm really sorry if that was harsh. I just get the really strong impression that this guy will never make you happy and it's better to be msierable for a little bit (post breakup) than to stay in a bad relationship and be miserable for years.

Please be assured that everything I have said it meant with the best intentions and not to hurt you x x x

SOSAD_2

gonzo127 wrote: »

ok probably not what you want to hear but jesus this guy must be a god amounst his friends,

free (or virtually free) lodgings, no bills, probably no need to cook, clean, do the washing, iron or any of the other boring stuff, has a girlfriend who he can go to eat out of house and home, get laid, but has no real commitment too but is still able to tell her to do what he wants and is able to do what he wants (talk to old GF)

if your relationship carrys on this same track you will end up as the peverbial doormat to be walked all over when ever he feels like it, and all because of your fear of being alone, you really need to realise your own worth, and give him the choice to either step up or sod off, no one deserves to be strung along like you are at the moment.

Thanks for that Gonzo, that last paragraph has really made me think.

fannyanna

Ok just seen some other posts and don't feel so mean now :rotfl:

SOSAD_2

Tuesday_Tenor wrote: »

Wow - about 18 posts while I was composing mine. Hope it helps you feel better OP.

They have made me feel a little better, people on here are very kind.

gonzo127

SOSAD wrote: »

Thanks for that Gonzo, that last paragraph has really made me think.

thanks, i was a little worried that it might come accross as being a bit too harsh as i dont want to upset you, however just couldnt think of a better/nicer way to word it.

Craftyscholar

SOSAD wrote: »

Hi,
I have my own home, although I am struggling paying for everything on 1 salary.

I also have money problems now. My mortgage rate has come to and end and I can't get the same monthly price that I had before, so I'm now going to be paying an extra £90.00 per month. Might not seem much, but when you're stretched anyway its hard. I have seriously considered getting a lodger in (I have a spare double bedroom) but my boyfriend hit the roof and said he wouldn't like being here with a stranger!
.

SOSAD wrote: »

I do feel the money side could be partly to blame, he pays next to nothing at home, so has plenty of spare cash. I do feel quite resentful of this also, he spends around 4 nights and the full weekend at mine, yet I always buy all the food, he never offers to get anything.

If he is aware of your financial situation why in Hades isn't he offering to help you?

ladymarmalade1970

Get on some of the other boards. They aren't kind at all they are downright nasty sometimes LOL. It seems everyone is saying the same thing really. You don't even need to dump him if you feel that bad but i promise once you start getting out more and meeting more people you WILL dump him as you won't need him.
Get that lodger and start living your life. xx

SOSAD_2

fannyanna wrote: »

I will apologise now as what I am going to say is harsh and I am so sorry as I really do not mean to be cruel to you (and I would porbably be doing the same as you) but I think sometimes people need a bit of a kick to get moving in life and find happiness.

This man is taking you for a ride and you are letting him as you are so desperate to not be alone!


You have two choices:

• Stay with him. He might change and all may be wonderful. I however get the impression that he's just not at that stage of life yet where he wants to settle down. Remember men are generally more immature than woman. So you stay with him and carry on being miserable for x years as he's not able to give you what you want. You then finally have enough and break up with him and are miserable because you've wasted precious years of your life on him when you could have met someone else.
• Move on. Yes you will be miserable and yes you will feel lonely. But you know what. You can do something about it. You can go out and socialise and keep yourself busy and do the things that you want to do (and not be dictated by old grumpy that doesn't even want you to have a lodger). You'll get over him. You've moved on from your ex husband. It may have been hard but you've done it. And well done you! You know that you've done it before so you know that you can do it again.

Once again I'm really sorry if that was harsh. I just get the really strong impression that this guy will never make you happy and it's better to be msierable for a little bit (post breakup) than to stay in a bad relationship and be miserable for years.

Please be assured that everything I have said it meant with the best intentions and not to hurt you x x x

I haven't been hurt reading what you posted and if I were giving advice to somebody in the same position as me it would be what you have written!

I know we can't carry on as we have done, I'm just scared.