So Sad Needs Advice

SOSAD_2

Hi,

I'm a long time reader, first time poster. I normally just read through the threads, especially here on the family board.

I know there are some very helpful people and today I need advice, and somebodies ear to bend.

I feel in a very dark place and totally alone. I'm a 29 year old women who lives alone. I was married, but my husband had an affair and, we had a messy, very painful split a couple of years ago. I work full time and to the outside world look like I'm doing ok, I always keep a brave face and never show my feelings. I have my own home, although I am struggling paying for everything on 1 salary.

I met a man 2 years ago and we fell in love. I asked him to move in with me back in August last year as I felt ready to share my home with him. He said yes, but still hasn't moved in, there always seems to be an excuse. I really love him, love being with him and want my life to move forward, babies, marriage etc. He says he wants all this as well, but why hasn't he moved in?! I feel really alone, my relationship is now strained and I feel down so much. Its really knocked my confidence and I keep asking "what's wrong with me?"

Last week I found out my boyfriend still talks to his ex girlfriend via facebook. This resulted in a huge argument. He did admit that he woulnd't like me to talk to my ex via facebook, so I accused him of being a hypocrite.

Everything is such a mess and I'm confused about what I want and what he wants. I do love him and miss him when we aren't together.

I also have money problems now. My mortgage rate has come to and end and I can't get the same monthly price that I had before, so I'm now going to be paying an extra £90.00 per month. Might not seem much, but when you're stretched anyway its hard. I have seriously considered getting a lodger in (I have a spare double bedroom) but my boyfriend hit the roof and said he wouldn't like being here with a stranger!

I feel so torn, so alone and now I have financial worries its even harder.

I don't know if I should just cut my loses and get out, this is so hard to contemplate as I do really love him, but I'm so frustrated.

Sorry for the really long post, but it has made me feel better.

janninew

Oh dear SOSAD, I feel your frustration from reading that post. How old is your boyfriend? And where does he live currently?

Have you got family you can talk to?

I think getting a lodger sounds like a good idea to help with the financial side of things. How do YOU feel about having a stranger in your home though, never mind what your boyfriends thinks!

Plans_all_plans

SOSAD wrote: »

Hi,

I have seriously considered getting a lodger in (I have a spare double bedroom) but my boyfriend hit the roof and said he wouldn't like being here with a stranger!

Sorry for the really long post, but it has made me feel better.

Tell him that as he's not yet moved in he has no right to veto the lodger idea! Bl00dy cheek of him! So, you should really say to him "I'm getting a lodger unless you move in cos things are tough and I'm struggling. If you'd like to move in and share bills, I'm happy for this to happen, but if you wont I'm getting a lodger, like it or lump it"

To be honest, at 29 with a marriage already behind me and a new 2 year relationship, I'd want to know where it was heading too. If you've not had a marriage and kids convo already and have solid plans to move forward, I'd be seriously considering dumping him myself.

Best of luck

SOSAD_2

janninew wrote: »

Oh dear SOSAD, I feel your frustration from reading that post. How old is your boyfriend? And where does he live currently?

Have you got family you can talk to?

I think getting a lodger sounds like a good idea to help with the financial side of things. How do YOU feel about having a stranger in your home though, never mind what your boyfriends thinks!

He is the same age as me and he lives at home with his parents still!

I just feel so much resentment towards him at the moment, he says he wants everything that I want, but how can I believe him?

I wouldn't mind having a lodger, I am struggling at the moment and it would take a weight of my mind. Plus it would be good company for me.

SOSAD_2

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Tell him that as he's not yet moved in he has no right to veto the lodger idea! Bl00dy cheek of him! So, you should really say to him "I'm getting a lodger unless you move in cos things are tough and I'm struggling. If you'd like to move in and share bills, I'm happy for this to happen, but if you wont I'm getting a lodger, like it or lump it"

To be honest, at 29 with a marriage already behind me and a new 2 year relationship, I'd want to know where it was heading too. If you've not had a marriage and kids convo already and have solid plans to move forward, I'd be seriously considering dumping him myself.

Best of luck

We have had the conversation so many times and he tells me he would love kids and to get married, but I just don't believe him anymore. He's been saying he will move in for 8 months now, maybe I should take the hint?!

make_me_wise

What would make you really happy? This relationship seems to be giving you alot of anxiety and upset. For you to be asking 'what is wrong with me' it doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship to be in.

Have you tried having a big heart to heart with your partner and asked him why he has delayed moving in with you. I hate to say it but he seems to want this relationship with you on his terms. He doesn't seem to want to move things forward by sharing your home yet he says he isn't happy about you considering having a lodger.

Not quite sure what to make of the contact with the ex. Some people do keep in touch with ex partners if the split is amicable. But I dont know, I get the impression its not quite so straightforward with your partner and his ex.

Janey3

I'd go ahead and do what's necessary to keep a roof over your head, maybe renting out your room as student accommodation - Monday to Friday? Then you've got weekends to see your boyfriend. It's not for him to dictate what you can or can't do.

Hope it all turns out well for you.

McKneff

If you are feeling resentful at him and it shows, thats maybe why he wont move in, are you being moody, etc.

Its a two way street,

It could be you, it could equally be him not wanting the committment of being responsible for half the bills when he may be only paying board money at home.

If it has got to the stage where you want him to move in and he says he wants to move in surely it should also be at the stage where you can be adult enough to sit down and talk about it.

Plans_all_plans

I really think you should try not to take it personally, though I understand why you are. I find that a lot of young men nowdays are really self-centred and irresponsible (looking at my friends), so that settling down is the last thing on their mind. They don't "need" to settle down til later than women though (biological clock, anyone?!) so it does put relationships under pressure when the woman wants marriage and kids and the man wants his freedom still.

I think you need a good talk with each other myself. I'd even be looking at saying "I need to know where this is going, and if you aren't happy for us to reach a compromise and move along, then I'm rethinking our future together". It's like an ultimatum, but not quite so harsh.

My husband wanted us to move in together (we had a child together by that point) but I refused point blank to move anywhere with him until he proposed. So we got married and now are living together.

You need to decide whether you can live with the current state of affairs or not, and if not, your b/f needs to hear it.

SOSAD_2

make_me_wise wrote: »

What would make you really happy? This relationship seems to be giving you alot of anxiety and upset. For you to be asking 'what is wrong with me' it doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship to be in.

Have you tried having a big heart to heart with your partner and asked him why he has delayed moving in with you. I hate to say it but he seems to want this relationship with you on his terms. He doesn't seem to want to move things forward by sharing your home yet he says he isn't happy about you considering having a lodger.

Not quite sure what to make of the contact with the ex. Some people do keep in touch with ex partners if the split is amicable. But I dont know, I get the impression its not quite so straightforward with your partner and his ex.

What would make me really happy is if we lived together and got on with our lives like people in love do! We've had heart to hearts and he says he does really want babies and marriage and to have a family live together, but he's been saying the same for 8 months and we are no nearer to anything.

I do feel so much anxiety and upset, I've cried myself to sleep for the past week with the upset.

I'm just not sure what to do anymore.

lostinrates

I would get the lodger. I would tell him, calmly, that he's had eight months to move in with you, you love him but you are not able to hang on financially, (or emotionally).

You never know, you drawing a line in the sand might get him to step up. If not, then you now how it is and can weep for a week then move on.