So Sad Needs Advice

gingin_2

If you reread what you have written and imagine a friend was saying it to you, what advice would you give them?

He sounds either very immature, very controlling, or both. A lodger sounds like a brilliant idea, especially as you say that it would make you happy as well as as finaancially better off. I don't want to pour more misery on you but interest rates are very likely to rise by the end of the year, so best to get on top of it now. What about a social part time evening job as well. Is there any bar work locally?

DevilsAdvocate1

My husband was like this before we got married. We'd been together 3 years but he said marriage and children were not for him. So I thought long and hard and decided to break up with him

I refused to speak to him on the phone or have anything to do with him for two weeks. When we finally spoke, he begged me to meet him. He has since said that he meant it as one last time, but when he saw me he decided he would just have to marry me as that was the only way he could keep me.

We've now been married 15 years and have 3 children. Its a risk - I really meant it when I broke up with him as I knew that marriage and children were important to me. I was 24 and wanted to have time to meet someone else.

D.

ladymarmalade1970

Awwww bless you. Maybe you should have a break from him for a bit. I definitely think you should get a lodger as it will help you out financially and you will have company. Things always seem worse when you have a boyfriend that makes you anxious and no one to talk to.
I could be wrong but also, given your BF does still live with his parents, i bet he would be a nightmare to live with as in not helping out etc. He could even be staying with them so he doesn't have to pay out any money. Whatever the reason, unless he is looking after them as they are ill, it's quite unusual for someone still to be living with their parents at that age and that alone would put me off.
Have you tried internet dating??? I got my OH off the internet (bargain he was lol). We have been together 5 years and are blissfully happy. There are quite literally thousands of single men out there so you could start dating again???? When i first joined match.com i had 120 replies in 10 days and whilst i am not a complete pig i am not exactly Pamela Anderson!!!! You don't have to be looking for a relationship you could just meet as friends etc. I am sure this would be a massive boost to both your social life and confidence.
Best of luck anyway and keep us informed. xx

SOSAD_2

McKneff wrote: »

If you are feeling resentful at him and it shows, thats maybe why he wont move in, are you being moody, etc.

Its a two way street,

It could be you, it could equally be him not wanting the committment of being responsible for half the bills when he may be only paying board money at home.

If it has got to the stage where you want him to move in and he says he wants to move in surely it should also be at the stage where you can be adult enough to sit down and talk about it.

I am feeling resentful now as its 8 months since he said he would move in, I feel I've been quite patient and understanding. We have sat down and had many conversations which always go the same way.

I do feel the money side could be partly to blame, he pays next to nothing at home, so has plenty of spare cash. I do feel quite resentful of this also, he spends around 4 nights and the full weekend at mine, yet I always buy all the food, he never offers to get anything. I worked out how much half the bills would be for when he moved in (I didn't include my mortgage as I don't think he should contribute towards this) and it was around £170.00 per month, which I think is quite reasonable.

Just feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

make_me_wise

SOSAD wrote: »

He is the same age as me and he lives at home with his parents still

I hadn't read this bit when I wrote my last post. At 29 to be still living at home with the parents speaks volumes imo. It sounds as if he has a free and easy life, no real responsibilities, just paying a bit of board. I expect his mum cleans, tidies, cooks, does his washing and ironing etc etc.

He is probably aware that by moving in with you he would be expected to pull his weight in all the ways mentioned above. Plus share the bills etc.

Do have a serious chat with him. I was quite saddened when you said how much you are upset and anxious. No relationship is worth crying yourself to sleep over. I think he is stringing you along and the longer it goes on the worse you could get hurt.

Plans_all_plans

He sounds a bit of a free loader...sorry! I would find it unattractive that a 29 yr old didn't contribute to his parents household while living with them. I would also not be happy that you buy all the food when he's at yours.

My sister's boyfriend kept using her car all the time and never once put petrol in it, she was moaning to me about it, so I said "just ask him for the money!" In the end she did and now he pays her petrol money when he's had the benefit of the car. The food thing is something you could talk about when you sit him down to discuss the relationship as a whole.

SOSAD_2

gingin wrote: »

If you reread what you have written and imagine a friend was saying it to you, what advice would you give them?

He sounds either very immature, very controlling, or both. A lodger sounds like a brilliant idea, especially as you say that it would make you happy as well as as finaancially better off. I don't want to pour more misery on you but interest rates are very likely to rise by the end of the year, so best to get on top of it now. What about a social part time evening job as well. Is there any bar work locally?

If a friend was in the same situation as me I would probably tell her she is wasting her time and to get out - I just wish it were that easy.
I have had a part time summer job before, so I will look into this.

SOSAD_2

make_me_wise wrote: »

I hadn't read this bit when I wrote my last post. At 29 to be still living at home with the parents speaks volumes imo. It sounds as if he has a free and easy life, no real responsibilities, just paying a bit of board. I expect his mum cleans, tidies, cooks, does his washing and ironing etc etc.

He is probably aware that by moving in with you he would be expected to pull his weight in all the ways mentioned above. Plus share the bills etc.

Do have a serious chat with him. I was quite saddened when you said how much you are upset and anxious. No relationship is worth crying yourself to sleep over. I think he is stringing you along and the longer it goes on the worse you could get hurt.

I'm sat here crying now to myself. The thought of not being with him is so hard and to go through another painful split is such a horrible thought.

I really struggled after my divorce, I would just sit in the front room in the dark all weeked, not eating, not seeing anybody. I can't go back to being that person.

I know it sounds pathetic, but I wonder if feeling like I am at the moment is better than being alone.

Tuesday_Tenor

Hi

I was in a similar position in my late 20s. Financially it's tough being a home-owner with a mortgage on your own.

Looking at this practical problem, and leaving your boyfriend out of it initially ...: The normal thing for people in our situation to do was to have a lodger. People seem less willing to share these days. Check whether mortgage has any restrictions ( but to be honest I think we all did it despite any such restrictions!)

If you have some reservations about tying up your spare room permanently, or judging how to find the right lodger consider whether there is any option of having a succssion of temporary people linked to a training scheme. I mean like teachers or nurses on training placements, who need somewhere for 4-10 weeks. Try contacting the accommodation office of local universities, colleges, hospitals, language schools, to see if they need temporary accommodation in your area.

Obviously you won't gain so many ££ but every little helps and there can be advantages: (a) you know something about the background of the people coming and (b) they're only there temporarily which is better both for tolerating annoying quirks and leaving the room free at times for friends to stay.

In fact you can contact teacher training, nursing, physio schools some distance away, as they're often looking for accommodation all over the country.

Would also be a toe-in-th-water way for you to explore whether you're happy sharing/being a landlady.

Bringing the boyfrind back in .... What does he expect you to do if you're struggling financially and he doesn't want to move in with you? Ask him for practical solutions, as two heads are better than one. Are there other options? Does he want you to move in with him?

If he doesn't have any other ideas, then: sorry boyfriend, but you can't dictate how someone else copes with their financial situation.

I'm not saying anything about your ongoing relationship with boyfriend. Just tackle this immediate issue and see what it reveals about each of you. All part of the getting-to-know-you process, which depending how much you see each other, share and communicate honestly, can take weeks or years.

Separate point. I'm sure your views of being together are for the long haul. If you ever get into a situation of planning to live together to reduce the current costs of living, think very carefully whether you're both really doing it for the long haul.

Tuesday_Tenor

Wow - about 18 posts while I was composing mine. Hope it helps you feel better OP.