lionheartedgirl promises to let it shine :)

lionheartedgirl

Squizz, yes it is proving to be a very difficult journey / Sorry to hear about your meltdown! I have had plenty of those but my teacher is great and gets why it happens.

I find I am back where I was when I was 15/16/17 - I know I am good at music and could make a good career out of it (could have been a better one had I started earlier!), but do I really really want to? Or is it just muddied in issues of control, battles of will, resentment, approval etc? (And as of this year, add in injury/physical effects to boot - oh and the financial drains of owning an instrument that cost me in the low teens of £ks!)

Lately (and having considered previously mentioned wise words from Steve Jobs), I have come to the conclusion it's not for me as a full time career. I may do it later in life when the need to earn well/steadily is less pressing, but I think deep down if I really wanted it, I would have made it happen by now. While I like what I do for a living now, I am not mad on my current job. And if I am to enjoy my work, I have to believe in it. Hence looking for something else.

So this then leads to, well if I don't want to be pro with my music, what on earth do I want to do with it?! I am really enjoying working with my lovely singer friend, and I still want to learn more music and occasionally perform. When I choose my pieces I am less bound by feeling I have to choose hard showy stuff to prove that I am as good as those who have been through music college. My latest piece is a traditional Irish one, probably about Grade 4-5 standard, but I can't wait to put it in a concert as it is so imprinted on my heart that I am desperate to share it with others I've never done any of that style of music, but hearing it a few weeks ago was incredible and has really made an impact on me.

it's going to be a long journey I feel!

I had a really good lesson last night, working on some Christmas stuff that was beyond me last year but is well within reach this year :j and a fantastic jazz piece too - will be a great show piece to have up my sleeve.

Other news - I am off out with the guy from the party tonight meeting up for some food and a couple of drinks in a nice pub in the middle of us both. he lives about 50 mins away. Really not sure how it will go but am open minded and looking forward to it

Other daydreamy stuff - here's a link to a beautiful house not far from me. I have walked past it many a time when my dog could walk for a couple of hours without pegging it. The bit we could see was the bedroom in the massive window - I always wondered what the house was like and now I know!

http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-33846638.html?backListLink=%2Fproperty-for-sale%2FFrating.html

lionheartedgirl

Had a lovely night last night, lots of giggles. We don't have that much in common but seemed to get on well and he's a good kisser so that's promising in my book :rotfl:

I'm seeing him again on Sunday (well, I'm saying that but you all know how that's gone this year so will wait and see ) - we talked about going to the fireworks in 2 possible places on Saturday but in the end decided to stick to our original plans and do stuff on Sunday instead. He's coming over to watch MotoGP with me (sniff, sob etc as there will be a lot of stuff to send off Marco Simoncelli) and then we are going to head out etc. in the afternoon.

We talked a bit about money stuff, was a bit worried about it as he is out a lot, but by the sounds of it he is quite careful and no stranger to Orange Wednesdays etc so that's a bonus as I really can't afford to be spending money to keep up etc. - so if it goes well I think he will be fine doing cheap stuff

I've had a jolly morning unpicking someone else's mistakes :mad: , discovered it will take hours to undo so am going to leave it, and will now get to cop the flak when I report the results as being massively wrong. Oh joy :j

Looks like I am wriggling out of my harp gig on Saturday - the money would have been good, but someone else offered to cover it and I said yes as it will mean a whole weekend off. So will be able to clutter-bust and get to the tip, then see my mum and go to the fireworks with her - there are brilliant ones in my town with the backdrop of the castle and it's a great night out. I've been every year since I've lived here :cool:

Plasterer came round last night so hopefully the quote will be reasonable and we can get moving with everything. Can't wait (well apart from all the mess and disruption etc!)

lionheartedgirl

Free weekend, free weekend, free weekend! :j :j :j

I am having a me me me weekend. I woke up at a sensible time, and started my day with an hour of Pilates. Last time I tried it, my brain was too busy but today I was determined that I neeeeeeded to stretch my poor twisted body out and it has been great. I have got to look after myself better physically, the tension across my shoulders is horrendous and it's not harp related now as I've had the best part of a month off playing....

I'm tucked in with the Corrie repeat, then the MotoGP qualifying starts in a bit so will have a shower and clean the bathroom in between.

I have a stack of magazines to flick through and then recycle, and will tackle the clothes mountain later (lots of clean washing to put away/clothes to clear out).

Mum is coming later and we are off to the fireworks :j looks like it's going to be a bit soggy but it will still be great, can't wait! I'm such a big kid!

Tomorrow I am hoping to squeeze a bike ride in if it's not too wet, then it's MotoGP. Will be so, so sad. Hopefully the chap will make it over to mine - not sure what we will do but should be good and I'm looking forward to it.

Other than that, I am well into the decluttering - cleared loads of stuff out of the freezer yesterday and went through a pile of old cards and papers. My shredder has packed in so I will take my bag of receipts etc into work on Monday. Best of all I found my graph paper plan of my living room plus all my cardboard furniture cut outs so this saves me making more! Also saw a really nice studio flat on rightmove yesterday - completely not what I'm after but it was beautifully done and the use of space was ingenious. So will keep this in mind

It occurred to me this morning that I must ask my gran to show me how she used to make her marmalade. Nothing else has ever been the same and she won't be here forever. Normally when I start feeling like this it's a bad sign - I am off up there the weekend after next so will make a point of pinning her down :rotfl: in a nice way!

Oh and I am really looking forward to playing my harp too at last.

All the above will give me lots of thinking time to mull over all the stuff that needs it. Including the job/CV situation.

Hope everyone has a fab weekend

lionheartedgirl

well, he turned up all was going quite well but he's not that chatty and as a little chatterbox myself I wasn't sure whether it was because he isn't interested or is just quiet. He stayed a while though so who knows. Not sure if we will see each other again, he's impossible to read so am just going to assume it'll go the same way as the others.

feeling a bit emotional (lots of different things) so will have a bit of a blub to get it all out of my system. I'm not sure I'm cut out for all this bloke stuff!

lionheartedgirl

morning all feeling a bit brighter now but my goodness me I had to really give myself a good talking to to get out of bed this morning! :eek:

I had a read of a blog that Cheery Daff had posted on the Matrix thread yesterday - very inspirational, about reaching out and making things happen and not putting things off.

And on Radio 4 this morning, I just caught Thought for the Day - I don't always listen to it but today's was about the impact of the M5 crash last week and how quickly and unexpectedly life can change. He talked about what people hang onto when the chips are down - really got me thinking about what I would turn to if something awful happened again.

On my list are, parents, close friends (not the same ones as this time last year), pets, my house. Some definite food for thought, I am contemplating House v Home quite a lot at the moment as I plan all the fixing up that will be going on at mine.

My dream for the future was always to do a Grand Design somewhere - I had seen this as a very long term thing but really there's no reason why it has to wait years and years saw a beautiful place in the very north of Scotland recently, just daydreaming after lurking anonymously on Pippi's thread and blog. My lifecoaching session in Spain involved talking a lot about my ideal home, it's becoming clearer and clearer just how important Home is to me.

Money is all under control - well the bank account is anyway. I have a little credit card issue still remaining from a bit of splurging last month, but some juggling will see this right. Budgets are still not working to my liking, although the latest one is better than the previous one. Christmas is going to be ultra ultra tight, but if I spend on the right things, it will be wonderful.

I'm contemplating going back to the doctor's - still feeling really down although I suspect at the moment it's seasonal more than anything else, as the nights are really drawing in now. Last week was a busy week, this week looks similar but I will make some time to build some nice things in to lift my spirits a bit and then see how I feel again next week.

The house is much tidier though, thanks to a weekend off :j

redsquirrel80

A Grand Design.. how exciting. I've read the same blog too this morning and it really struck a chord. Sorry to hear you're still feeling down - struggling with the dark mornings/ evenings here too. It's good that you're aware of it though and can keep an eye on it.

Lovely to hear you are looking forward to playing again

lionheartedgirl

feeling a bit brighter today I was teaching last night but didn't have counselling afterwards so I got home earlier than normal which was gooood.

I actually got to see Corrie :j so that's good and then after that, I finally got round to doing my much promised tarot reading.

It was really useful as always, lots of insight and things to think about - a few things that were a bit confusing but I am out of practice and normally there is something that throws me so I toddle off and read up some more.

Most excitingly of all, there were lots of wand cards (creativity) whereas in the past it's all been pentacles (material/money/real world) and cups (emotions) - so this is promising. I have been feeling the creative juices starting to flow much more lately, and am excited about what this could lead to. I have a song brewing at the moment so wonder how that will pan out!

Lots of references to letting go, choosing my battles and not hiding my light :rotfl: somewhat apt given the title of my diary :cool:

The outcome was a bit of a scary card initially (in terms of the imagery on the actual card) but it was reversed so hopefully it's a warning as to what could occur if I don't look after myself a bit better, rather than actually being stabbed by nine scary swords

I have committed to doing more tarot stuff, I enjoy it as it is so calming, ritualistic and analytical. So I'm doing a daily reading of a single card to help me get back in touch with it and increase my familiarity with the cards.

My new yoga DVDs arrived yesterday as well, so I'm looking forward to trying these out. I'm working from home tomorrow so will give one a whirl in the morning.

Tonight it's late night christmas shopping in my favourite shop.... :eek: with 20% off in some departments (not cosmetics thank goodness - can't believe I'm saying that but it would result in carnage) :eek::eek: So I'm going with my mum to get a few presents bought - kids are always the hardest for me so will be good to get her help on those.

After that I might head to the pub in town as there is a band on I quite fancy seeing.

Tomorrow night it's film club night - not been in ages as I've been busy that night each month. I might see if one of my friends fancies coming but tbh I quite fancy going on my tod - I've really come to love this year's solitary cinema trips

Not heard from the chap yet but feeling positive about it so will wait and see

lionheartedgirl

Morning. Can i just say arghhhhhh! :mad:

Positives - last night's shopping was fun, and not too expensive. I bought birthday and Christmas presents for my niece and nephew, between £5 and £8 each per present so pleased with that.

I resisted 20% off the darned Mulberry handbag (£800 plus). I resisted 20% off the beautiful LK Bennett sparkly grey heels (£160).

I resisted pretty much everything apart from a To Do list with only enough space for one thing a day (£6) and a gorgeous russian doll-style set of measuring cups (£12) and a little tiny blank greetings card with a cheerful wizard on (85p). So that was a good effort if you ask me.

I had a lovely time with mum, but realised that my open engaging ways come from her as some bloke overheard something she was saying about one of her pupils and decided he was going to join us, uninvited, for dinner. Did either of us tell him where to go? Of course we didn't! :mad: What are we like! honestly!

Anyway. Less positive news - my clutch burned out on the way up the sodding mega multi storey car park! It was squealing and burning as I parked up, fortunately I made it home afterwards and car is in the garage today.

I haven't added up how much I've spent on car maintenance this year, but that's a job for today. Replacing my car is not in the budget or any of my planning, but it's rapidly becoming a need rather than a want now. It will most likely mean adding to the debt :mad: but if I can work it so I get something cheaper to tax and cheaper on fuel, then I don't mind too much.

I was looking at house stuff again yesterday, and although I am keeping my head above water on the money front, I am sick of all the debt and now with the car, I am realising just how vulnerable I am to unplanned costs. This time last year the dog was costing a bomb in vet bills and I had another big car bill. Currently this all has to go on credit cards as I don't have any buffer at all - all my spare cash goes towards my debts or on a big blowout because I have cut back too far on other areas and feel miserable about it.

So looks like the mother of all LBMs is happening. Again. Humph.

Had to contact XF about phone bill today and wishing I hadn't. He is needling and saying that don't worry, I will find someone as he was still interested even though i was in a bit of a mess when we first got together and he still wanted me despite all that. I said that if all I could attract was people in a worse state than me then I would stay on my own thanks. He got the message...

I've given him til Christmas to get his stuff.

On the plus side, I am off out tonight with friends - change of plan from the cinema but should still be a cheap one. my singer friend told me about a new open mic night and some local film makers showing films, all happening tonight, so it will hopefully be quite inspiring.

Tomorrow is Brownies which never fails to pick me up (and costs me nothing unless I divert to the chippy on the way home) and another open mic night somewhere else if I feel up to it. Friday night there is a possibility of seeing the chap - not sure yet but fingers crossed.

Bahhhhhhh!!! Off to make another coffee and gaze at my lovely cheerful noticeboard which now sits over my desk, full of nice clippings from magazines and inspirational quotes.

Hope everyone's day is going better than mine

lionheartedgirl

Afternoon,

well last night was just brilliant - exactly what I needed :j apart from the late night which seems to have accelerated the arrival of a cold I was expecting to get from a work colleague :mad:

My London-based former housemate is up for the week so she came out too, it was great to see her and we chatted about lots of big stuff for both of us - she has just had a big promotion at work so had bought herself a little present, and the evening warmed up to us planning a celebration dinner all for her on Saturday :T I was shamelessly egging her on but think she appreciated it as she hasn't had much recognition from anyone else.

So we are off to a lovely local restaurant we haven't tried yet, for an early Saturday dinner so she can go and have her big drunken night out that she planned anyway (not to do with celebrating), but she can also do something for her to mark the occasion and be made a fuss of with a few other friends.

We also talked a lot about some other shaky background stuff we both have going on at the moment nice for both of us to be able to share it with someone and I need to see more of her - not just for this reason, but this is a friendship that I really want to nurture - we have got closer since she has moved away and I really miss her.

I did a lot of thinking/mind mapping/money mapping yesterday - not really found any big answers but it has led to other thoughts so that's good.

I don't think I will make it out after Brownies tonight - this cold is getting a grip and I need to curl up in my jammies with some hot drinks and get an early night.

Think I may start brushing up my CV, plus investigate LinkedIn as one of my colleagues has said this could be a good way of helping with the job search. The thought of job hunting is making my heart shudder a bit, but looking at the money situation, and the distraction/lack of motivation going on in my job at the moment, well something needs to be done. My salary, even in the region I work in, is similar to what newly qualified people are being offered in job ads and that's not right

Work is important to me for all sorts of reasons, I don't want to be solely defined by what I do, but I want to feel valued and I want to feel that what I do is making a difference, and believe in what I do for a living. These are all lacking at the moment.

Not much else going on, but will keep chatting away as it helps me to get my thoughts down.

hypno06

Lol, I am right there with you on the cold that you just do not need, coupled with the late nights and the need to be thinking!

You seem to be working through stuff really well though - I am not sure if you realise it yourself, but from the posts you write, it does definitely seem to me as though it is all coming together.

Did see a lovely Mulberry handbag myself today and had to actually say out loud "step away from the handbag".....I got an odd look from a lady nearby, but needs must!!