Pressure from 'Friends' and people you know

edited 19 April 2011 at 6:34PM in Debt-Free Wannabe
116 replies 19.2K views


  • quanticquantic Forumite
    1K Posts
    Hi Quantic, I've read this thread with interest and on the original topic I'd simply say your OH's friends sound like they are more interested in 'what' they are doing rather than 'who' they are doing it with. If they can't/won't understand that you can't afford or don't want to waste your money on certain things then they are probably not the greatest of friends. We have a circle of friends all with different disposable income levels and it's never an issue. We decide first that we are going to do something and then decide what to do based on what everyone can afford.

    Anyway, sorry to hear that your OH may be made redundant, however it is good that it looks like you can manage on the one salary. If nothing else, this totally vindicates your stance with your friends and shows that you were right to focus on paying down your debts while you could afford it. Good luck with it all and stay positive.

    Thanks you, and everyone else in this thread for the kind words and advice. I have an anxiety problem which makes it really difficult for me to express these concerns to people I know so it's been really great to get some 'anonymous' support.

    I was struggling to figure out if it was acceptable for friends to go on like this and if it's kind of 'just the way it is' but quite clearly a lot of people have found themselves under the same kind of pressure.

    While this topic may not seem like it's a massive problem it still puts considerable pressure on us and feels like we are living someone elses idea of live at times.

    Well you have all given me a lot to think about and as I'm off for the next week for Easter I plan to spend it trying to figure out the best plan for this new situation and try to support my OH, she will be in from work soon so I'm gonna try and make her feel at ease about all of this.

    Enjoy Easter and the royal wedding everyone!

  • quantic wrote: »

    With her girl mates tho, its never just a cuppa or a nice cheap meal. For example, she got cheap tickets for horse riding this month (few quid)... this has now turned into... Lunch in town at an expensive place, horse riding, tea at another expensive place and then a few drinks on the quayside...

    So something that was bought through a deal website (so she could see her friends without spending a fortune and drive to avoid taxi's) and was supposed to cost like £12, has now turned into 2 meals out, drinks and 2 taxi's....

    Oh my flipping god! You poor people - you are obviously trying but fighting a rear guard action against your friends.

    I hate to say this but if you are serious you may have to consider this:

    1. Explain to you friends your situation, say that your priorities in life have changed and that although you want to spend time with them this has to be done without constant cost. That you don't want to spend 30 years paying back 10 years of 'fun'.
    2. If they don't understand then look around for new friends...:(

    I hope to read better news as I work through this thread, but I have to say that this post horrified me!
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  • quantic wrote: »
    To give you an idea of how mental some of my OH's friends are. One of them has just started a degree in her part time, just so that she could get a student overdraft to buy things with...

    Again. I say WHAT????:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:
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  • Well, that's their lookout.

    While you're having two holidays a year, safe in the knowledge that you can leave your house to your kids and not the bank, they'll be struggling with letters from DCA's still! :rotfl:

    I agree that that above is a likely scenario. But I find it tragic - they will wake up one day and realise how badly this has affected their lives. I think it's awful...:(
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  • Well I've read through this whole post and I think you guys sound like a lovely couple :heartpuls You obviously love her very much and she seems like a really sweet person. I hope you two have a happy life together.

    I'm sorry to hear about the job but these are bumps on the road of life and you are in a much better position to deal with this because of your sensible attitude. Well done you and Happy Easter!

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  • coolttcooltt Forumite
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    People have different priorities at different points in their life but some of us tend to look at the bigger picture a little earlier than others, it's called being realistic.

    There's nothing wrong with your mates they've just got different priorities to you at the moment.

    I think it takes a switched on cookie to realize if you ain't got a decent roof over your head everything else life throws at you is just that little bit easier to deal with.

    Just carry on doing what that little sensible voice in your head is telling you to do you'll be the ones going away on holiday 4 times a year in the end when everyone else can barely afford a trip to Butlins!
  • quanticquantic Forumite
    1K Posts
    Again thanks everyone, pretty shocked at the amount of attention this thread has got, clearly this is one that is pretty close to the heart of many... We won't find out whats happening with OH's job for a few months yet so fingers crossed that we can get our affairs in order by then.
  • patman99patman99 Forumite
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    I guess I'm lucky, most of my friends are as skint as me, so when we meet-up, we usually do a 'DVD, beer &pizza' evening.

    I guess the op's free-spending friends use plastic to finance their life-styles. The only problem with using CC's/Debit cards is that you have no attachment to the cash you are spending. If you actually had the money sitting in your hand, you would think "that's a lot of money, can I really afford it?".

    My lbm came when, at the age of 41, the company I had worked-for for over 16 years relocated to France. It made me realise that I really had to do something to stem my outgoings.
    It took nearly a year to get back into employment. The one good thing to come out of being made redundant, had my employers not moved, I would not have registered my cv with a load of agencies. In turn, I would not have been offered an interview with the company I now work for and instead of earning a good salary, I would be stuck on £7.49 p/h and wondering if I would be able to afford birthdays and Christmases.

    My aims for the near-future are now to get through my cataract op on Thursday (with Friday being a B/H, I will only loose 1 days pay), and then get to the end of September and move from 'agency' to permanent employee.
    Never Knowingly Understood.

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  • quanticquantic Forumite
    1K Posts
    Ok - would like a little advice, me and OH are pretty broke this month after settling some thing at the end of last month. This month her friend is getting married, she has got to attend 2 Hen Do's for it, both separate and will probably cost in the region of £150 combined, she has spoken the the friend and asked what the deal is with regards to gifts for the wedding, who has replied saying cash.

    What is an acceptable amount of money to give someone, people at work are saying £50-100, but christ we cannot afford £250 in one month for a person's wedding, I don't even know this girl very well... bearing in mind, any money we spend at this point will send us into our overdrafts.

    Hate being made to feel like this over stupid things like gifts, almost wish we had waited a few more years to move out....
  • Mimi_Arc_en_cielMimi_Arc_en_ciel Forumite
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    why TWO hen do's? that's ridiculous! could your OH just attend 1 hen do and then give money from the one she isnt attending? Just because the bride is asking for money it doesnt mean you HAVE to give them money. Buy them a nice photo frame or something along those lines
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