Pressure from 'Friends' and people you know 19 April 2011 at 9:44AM edited 19 April 2011 at 6:34PM in Debt-Free Wannabe 116 replies 19.2K views

wherediditallgothen

quantic wrote: »

I'm sure the good times will follow if we are careful, my OH does not have a lot of her wage left after paying bills and stuff, which generally means that she pays for a night out, hen do, presents etc etc and then she doesn't have any money left for us to do anything, or she goes into her CC or overdraft, and as she never has any money spare she can never get out of it. Which means if we ever want to pay off the debt it has to be me.

So basically, I end up paying for stuff that she has gone to, which I cannot go to myself. Don't get me wrong, she has become excellent at curbing her spending with almost everything but its just this last area which doesn't seem to be working. Its tricky trying to find a balance and I feel very selfish for feeling resentful towards paying for things when I don't really have any money to enjoy things myself.

A part of me just wants to say !!!! it, you spend whatever you want on whatever social events your ridiculous friends want to have and you can figure out how to pay it back yourself, but of course I know this will not work longer term.

I feel your pain somewhat. I can't remember the last time I was able to treat myself (at all, much less on a whim). Yet the OH always seems to be the one with something new despite her income being less than half of mine.

Million_Percent

I know exactly how you feel Quantic. My OH doesn't work so I have to fund her little extravagances (not that there are many really). Sometimes it's hard not feel resentful when I'm going without decent clothes but she drinks, smokes and has a gym membership (I know, it doesn't make sense!:rotfl:)

I console myself with the fact that my sacrifices are creating a stable and secure future for us and our daughter. In time we'll be DF and I'll have some disposable income of my own.:T

Million_Percent

quantic wrote: »

Don't want a big flash anything, just want to get to the end of the month and have some money in my bank BEFORE being paid. Not even much... £5 in my bank before pay day and I would be happy. Sick of relying on payday to take us out of overdrafts, pay back stuff and finance etc.

The comment about the big flash wedding was more related to your OH's friends. They will regret it sooner or later.

I know what you mean. I am desperately looking forward to the day I get paid and have the full amount show as a positive balance.

quantic

I don't like to count who has a higher income or who pays for what. I have accepted a long time ago that this is a pointless thing to wonder about, but at the same time - I get the feeling that I won't be doing her any favours by 'bailing her out' as I don't think she will appreciate how much my wage subsidies hers until she can't pay it herself.

I don't want recognition for helping her out financially but most of the time she gets stressed about having to put things on her CC or use her overdraft, but the likely hood is that in the end I will be the one who pays it off. One of her friends actually had the cheek to question how much she contributes towards the house, because I think she thought the reason she was skint was because she was paying to much towards things and I was taking her for a ride. Felt like the ultimate slap in the face, given that I have put up the money for all of our house deposit, fee's, furniture etc.

I'm just so sick of never seeing any of my wage, it will be a good 4 years now that I've been skint, went straight into rented accommodation from Uni in my first job on a very low wage then moved back home and saved up for a house deposit, so feels like I have yet to enjoy any of my wage. I know I should be thankful for what I have and I am, but sometimes just feels like its never ending. I don't mind so much when an unexpected bill comes along, but coupled with really extravagant spending it becomes unmanageable.

I guess the bright side of all this is that I have become very accustomed to spending very little of my wage on myself and making do a lot of the time, so if a day does come where I actually have some money to spare then it will feel amazing.

Another thing that probably doesn't help is the fact that I hate my current job but as the job I want is lower paid I am sort of trapped, until we get past this back and forth with debt and expenses I can't really make a change.

Gilly1976

You might not want to do it but something I think helped my wife and I budget better was having a joint account. We started it when she earned more than me but since me moving to a better job and her going part time I now earn double what she does but we don't look on it like that and the money we have is just our money.

We then have a separate account for all the bills and transfer the amount needed each month from the joint account.

We find it so much easier to budget as it's all in the one place and you know you can't have a blow out because it impacts your partner.

We did always plan on setting up an account each with money to do what ever we want with each month but never quite got there!

quantic

Yeah, we have applied for a joint account. But my plan is slightly different, soon as the last bit of her CC is paid we are going to cancel it, (I cancelled mine last month), we are then going to reduce our overdrafts to £200 each which will be 0% interest, meaning that the only money we will have available to us is £400 (£200 each) so even if we do go over it will never be enough that we won't be able to pay it off the next month.

That way, if the money isn't available to spend, then we have to say no. End of story.

Also, I have started to absolutely hate how having no money due to previous spending makes you look forward to the end of the month, every month - I do not want to live like that! Lifes too short to look forward to the next pay cheque soon as you've received the last one!

jodyg

I hate friends like that! You have a history you don't want to give up, but they aren't making life for either of you very happy at the moment. I would take a relationships approach to this, and for her to have some one on one time with each friend, even do it systematically until she has met with each one there is an issue with. do it over a coffee, or at your place, where it doesn't need to cost much, and she can talk to them about the kind of life style she is choosing to live for the next while. If they disagree with it, they can say so, but ultimately, the tone might be best one of 'i hear that this is not something you would choose, but this is what i am doing, and as such i will not be able to do things that are expensive'. good luck!

rdchick

Anyone else feel REALLY resentful about people who seem to have money coming out of their ears because of benefits?! sorry to be off topic a little but my gaw it annoys me to the core!!

Just spoke to my best friend (she's like a sister to me - one year older known her since I was 4) and she's married, 2 kids her DH earns less than me (and I earn pittance) her parents paid for her wedding and deposit etc for their flat but they seem to spend money like no tomorrow... right now as I type this her OH is getting ANOTHER tattoo... £350 it's costing.... I would love to have that much money to blow on myself! She's always buying new clothes, takeaways and whatever the kids want... I know they don't have any debts and it REALLY annoys me... I think I'm gonna go get myself a couple of kids and a low earning husband... seems the way to go.


Yep I'm jealous and rant over

Million_Percent

Working toward DFD does kind of make you feel like you are wishing your life away. I too always find myself wishing it was the end of the month or thinking 'I can't wait til this time next year' etc. Just have to keep reminding myslef that there is plenty of living to be done and enjoyment to be had in the meantime. Debt reduction does become an obsession but don't let it spoil the simple pleasures of life.

rdchick

Million_Percent wrote: »

Working toward DFD does kind of make you feel like you are wishing your life away. I too always find myself wishing it was the end of the month or thinking 'I can't wait til this time next year' etc. Just have to keep reminding myslef that there is plenty of living to be done and enjoyment to be had in the meantime. Debt reduction does become an obsession but don't let it spoil the simple pleasures of life.

I agree it does become an addiction and being on these boards does too even now when I go into the shop to get something for work I'm like how can I save... etc ect! Mad - MSE has taken over my brain!!